WEBVTT

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Good afternoon, everyone.

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I'm a psychologist
working in college counseling.

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I work with clients
with mental health issues,

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so in that sense, I'm considered
a mental health expert by many.

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However, when I first came to the US
as an international student 10 years ago,

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I was facing my own self-doubt
and various adjustment issues.

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I wasn't ready to face all the different
norms and rules and expectations.

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I felt lost.

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My confidence was shaken.

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I was struggling with anxiety issues.

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These issues were carried over
to my professional life.

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I remember my negative voice
was so loud at the time.

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It sounded like this:

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"You're not competent.

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You're going to screw this up.

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Your clients are going to hate you.

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You'd better quit now."

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(Exhales)

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I remember the first client I saw
was someone with anxiety issues.

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Ironically enough,

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I was sitting in my therapist chair,
feeling overwhelmed by my own anxiety.

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My face was as red as a tomato can go;

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(Laughter)

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my heart was pumping fast;

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my hands were sweaty.

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I was this close to running away
from that therapist chair

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and from my own anxiety.

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And the only reason
I didn't do it, honestly,

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was because I knew I would get busted
by my trainee supervisor,

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who was watching me in the next room.

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(Laughter)

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I felt I was trapped in my anxiety;

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I could not reach my potential.

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I wanted to know how this has happened.

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I started to look closely into it.

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I found, interestingly, it is something
that actually many of us share -

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a universal and common human condition.

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The predominant component of it

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is shame:

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the negative self-perception
and self-criticism we bring onto ourself,

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with or without self-awareness.

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"I'm not good enough."

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"I don't deserve to have that."

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"I'm less of who I want to be."

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"I'm not likable."

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"I'm going to die alone."

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"I'm stupid and dumb."

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You see, shame is more
than just the self-criticism;

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shame is the underlying drive to it

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and the root to many emotions
we experience:

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fear, sadness, frustration,
anger, jealousy.

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Shame is also the underlying drive

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to many emotional and behavior
problems we experience:

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low self-esteem, anxiety,
depression, suicide thoughts,

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addiction, violence, and racism.

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Shame's different from guilt.

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While guilt is how we feel
about what we do -

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for example, "I have done
something wrong" -

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shame is how we feel about ourselves -

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"I'm stupid; I'm dumb."

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While guilt can sometimes
drive us to do the right things,

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shame is almost always
self-destructive and debilitating.

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In fact,

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shame has now become
such an epidemic in our lives,

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many of us are probably
familiar with this voice -

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"not enough" -

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right?

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I see some of you nodding here.

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We constantly beat ourself up
for not being smart enough,

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not doing enough,

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not making enough contributions

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to our friends, our team,
and our community.

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When we finally make it
to all these goals -

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if we really can -

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we start to struggle with not
taking care of ourself enough,

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not attending to our
relationships and families.

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It seems wherever we go,

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we're followed by this voice.

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We listen to it.

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We constantly feel the need
to do more and more,

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better and better.

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Where's the end?

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In this process, we get
stressed out and overwhelmed.

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When neurobiological psychologists
dig into this underlying mechanism

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of this phenomenon,

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they find shame and self-criticism

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can reduce our prefrontal cortex's
capacity to sustain attention

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and inhibit our impulsive behaviors.

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The impact of this is very similar
to the effect of sleep deprivation.

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Imagine how you'd be feeling
if you are sleep-deprived.

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Some of us are probably familiar
with that right now, right?

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(Laughter)

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The neurobiological pathway
resulting from a shaming environment

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can further create a mental model

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predisposing us to perceive this world
with despair and anxiety

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and therefore leading
to various mental health issues.

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So if you want to debilitate yourself,

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just shame yourself.

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If you want to debilitate others,

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just shame them.

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Now, imagine my eagerness
to get out my shame

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after I realized what
it had been doing to my life.

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I embarked on this journey
of de-shaming in the past 10 years.

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I tried various tactics
to get rid of my shame.

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I hid it from others.

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I pretended it didn't exist.

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I played along, avoiding triggers.

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Well, none of this worked,
as you can imagine.

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And then I beat myself up
for not being able to beat my shame,

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and it turned out to be this perfect cycle
of self-blaming and shaming.

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Sounds a little familiar, right?

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So,

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how has shame become such a persistent
and prevalent issue in our life?

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It's time for us to look at our brain

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and understand
how our self-talk is formed.

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Every thinking pattern can be associated
with a certain neural pathway.

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Neurons that fire together, wire together.

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Think of your brain
as a giant electric network

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made of millions of electric circuits.

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Every time a thought passes,

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it lights up a certain neural pathway.

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The more you think this way,

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the more strengthened
this neural pathway becomes.

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Gradually, it becomes
a habitual way of thinking,

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regardless of whether or not
the thought itself is rational.

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So if you say, "I'm so stupid,"

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you inadvertently
light up a neural pathway

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that reinforces a shaming pattern.

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And this neural pathway
will likely light up again next time,

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when you are in a similar situation.

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"I did it again; I must be stupid."

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Soon enough, you will start
to speak a shaming language -

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very fluently or even on autopilot.

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Psychologists call this
"automatic thoughts."

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So you will start to live
in a shaming world

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filled with emotional distress
and negativity.

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Sounds very depressing, right?

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So how can we save ourself
from such a destiny?

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The good news about our human brain

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is its plasticity,

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meaning neurons can rewire,

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neural pathways can be reconstructed.

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So let's say

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if you tell yourself,

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"I'm stupid.

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My boss hates me.

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I'm a loser."

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Pay closer attention
to what you tell yourself

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and put intentional effort
into challenging this shaming pattern.

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Start compassionate self-talk.

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You will start to generate

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new neuron connections
and neural pathways.

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"Oh, this has been hard on me.

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It is difficult not to be able
to be understood by others.

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I feel invalidated.

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I feel hurt."

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The more you engage
in this thinking pattern,

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the stronger the new
neural connections will become.

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Gradually,

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the old neural connections will fade away

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and you will start to speak
compassionate self-talk

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to replace the old,
habitual way of thinking.

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Research has revealed -

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being compassionate to yourself

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can increase your emotional resilience
and your psychological well-being.

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Here's how this works:

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people who are more
compassionate to themselves

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are better at coping
with negative emotions

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and less likely to ruminate
on their negative thoughts

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and therefore having a lower level
of depression and anxiety.

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Being compassionate to yourself can also
reduce your stress hormone, cortisol,

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and increase your heart rate variability,

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which indicates people
are more relaxed, calmer, and safer.

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They're more open and flexible
to respond to changes in their life.

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So you must be wondering right now -

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how can I practice
this compassionate self-talk?

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Okay, here's a start.

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Are you ready?

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Okay.

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Let's say goodbye to all the old grammar:

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"I am negative.

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I'm not enough.

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I don't deserve this.

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I'm less of who I want to be.

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I'm stupid. I'm dumb."

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I can go on and on,

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but you have heard me say
enough of that this afternoon.

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Keep a mental journal throughout your day

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and count how many of those sentences
you actually say to yourself.

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You would be surprised.

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Start to challenge
those automatic thoughts:

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"Am I 100% sure those thoughts are true?

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Or am I just saying this out of habit?"

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If you're not 100% percent sure,

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even only 1% doubt,

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question them.

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Don't let them pass.

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Stop being harsh on yourself:

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"I can't do this;
I shouldn't have done that."

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You mean well;

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you mean to motivate yourself.

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However, this tone can only
impact your self-esteem negatively.

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So how about we try
a different set of tone?

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"I will.

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I would like.

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I hope.

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I would like to do this."

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It still gets the job done, but imagine
how you would feel differently.

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Let's practice compassionate acceptance

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of being imperfect
and therefore being human.

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It's inevitable to make mistakes
and reach our limits.

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Having flaws simply means
you're normal, right?

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Right? Here's where
you're supposed to say "yes"

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even if you don't think
it applies to you personally.

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(Laughter)

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So, I have a confession to make:

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I was pretty stressed out
and anxious at one point

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when I was preparing for this talk.

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You know, those "what ifs,"
"not enough" voice:

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"What if you forget
what you're going to say?"

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"What if you drag this so long
they have to kick you off the stage -

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(Laughter)

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in a kind way?"

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So I kept doing more and more.

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I want this to be better and better.

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I want this to be perfect.

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And then I was, "Wait a moment.

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You are giving a talk
about being imperfect

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while you're striving for being perfect?

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How's that going to work?

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Of course you're stressed out."

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So I ask myself,

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"Okay, what can I do with it?"

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I start to back paddle in my thoughts:

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"Okay, not too late yet.

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Scratch what I said;
scratch those 'what-ifs.'"

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Imagine there's a neural pathway
that actually gets unwired here;

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there's a new one coming here.

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What can my compassionate brain tell me?

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"It is okay.

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You will make mistakes.

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Expect it, and be okay.

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You will feel emotions
because you're human;

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you don't want to be a robot."

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Well, I actually felt more relieved -

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still a bit nervous -

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but more relieved
after giving myself this break

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and probably saved myself
from a potential panic attack.

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Let's cultivate an open
and curious mindset

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instead of a closed
and judgmental mindset.

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How many times have you
heard yourself saying this:

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"What's wrong with me?
Can't get this right."

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How about we try this:

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"Hmm, I wonder why I'm having
this challenge right now?

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This is an interesting puzzle
to be solved."

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If you have trouble accessing
your compassionate self-talk,

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here's a trick to it:

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ask yourself what would you say
to your family or your friend

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or who you care about

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when you see them suffering or struggling.

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Give the loving-kindness
you give to them for yourself.

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We certainly don't need double standards
in our relationships, right?

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So this is a shortcut to access
your compassionate neural pathway.

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This is a process that takes
ongoing practice and repetition.

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This is like learning
a new language to many of us.

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We wouldn't know
how to speak a new language

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just by simply acknowledging
it exists, right?

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We need ongoing practice.

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So let's start to pay attention
to what you tell yourself

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because whatever
you are saying to yourself,

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you are listening.

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Thank you.

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(Applause)