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Czechoslovakian state film presents

ONCE UPON A TIME
THERE WAS A KING

- What do you bring to us, glassmaker?
- Glass maker: Glasses, sir.

I can see that!

Pay half a crooked dime or

I'll smash the piece of junk to smithereens .

- Glassmaker: That's what I'm afraid of.
- Hurry, hurry, hurry!

Another is coming!

- What do you bring to us, draper?
- Can't you see? Linen!

Pay half a crooked dime
or I'll tear your linen to shreds.

You won't and
I won't pay either!

You will pay, draper!

I won't pay, border guard!

- Yes, you will!
- No, I won't!

- What?
- What!

- You won't?
- I won't!

- OLD WOMAN: Now, now...

Come to it, why wouldn't I pay?

I'll be happy to pay.

Why would you pay?
You know what, leave it!

No, no! I'll pay!

- But but...
- Just take the dime

and make me happy!

- Well, if you insist.
- All good till end days!

What do you bring to us, granny?

Healing herbs, Martinek.

- You know me?
- Of course!

I often put you to sleep
when you were little.

And how big is your kingdom?

So big that sexton's son Honzik

could throw a rock over it 9x times.

That's a nice big kingdom.

Well, be good and behave!

I will, granny! I will!

Granny!
Who are you?

I'm telling you, a herb lady.

I know, but who are you really?

If I told you, Martinek,
you wouldn't believe me.

Why is it called "My Kingdom"?
Such a strange name.

It's the people's kingdom.

We know that,
but our King does not.

He thinks it's his alone,

He calls himself
"King, I the first".

- I don't want to be King!
I want to be...

I don't even know what I want...

Besides the King doesn't need to know
what he wants. If he wants...

- Put a stitch here.
- It's fixed now.

So, what do you think?
Does it suit me?

Oooh!

Oooh yes or Oooh no?

- Oooh yes!

You'd better!

I'm marrying off my daughter.

Which one?

I don't know which one.

And whom will she marry?

- Smart ass,
Whom can a princess marry?

Hey, you! Are the princes
in our land yet?

Only a glassmaker, a draper and
an old woman have crossed

our borders since this morning.

That's quite an active touristic traffic.

But the princes should have been here,

because they have announced themselves...

Ouch!

I got pain in my shoulder!
Et cetera, come here! Quickly!

The most humble servant
of Your Majesty's health.

Here, pain here!

I see!

Ooh!

Stungilosis prickses!

- What kind of illness is that?
- No illness would dare to take you on!

You're as healthy as a turnip.

As a turnip? You couldn't think of
any other ordinary thing?

As a golden fish!

This pin stung you?

- You wouldn't even wish me a
proper illness!

You don't like me!

- Oooh.

- If I died, no one would shed a tear.
- I'd shed, and big one!

- Would you weep for me?
- Yes, and very much!

- Show me how you'd weep.

- Oh, my king!
- Okay do not weep!

Enough!

Show me how you'd weep.

And you?

And how would you weep all together?

No, no! Stop!

This is not what I call weeping!

I'm the only one who would
weep properly on my own...

but I wouldn't...because I'd be very dead.

And would you wring your hands in sadness?
- Oooh yes.

- And how?

Not like that!
That's not proper wringing!

Show them how !

That's how you do it.

l'm going to look if the princes haven't
taken the longer way.

And you practise it meanwhile.
- Wring!

Give it to me.
You have no overview!

You must search properly
and not just gawk!

A hare!

What the...
What is this?

Am I looking abroad?

Of course!
You've set it to "infinite".

I see...

Well... oh yes.

Now l'm at home.
And home is sweet home!

A kingdom as it should!

Ohh.

There's a dozen of those
little Kubats already!

And they've started
a second dozen!

- We need a new census.

- Well, there might be more of them.
- True.

- Hehe! That basket maker and that
seamstress are married now.

- Right, right!
- I didn't know that.

What a woman!

But not a sight of the princes.
As soon as you spot them, report it!

- To me!

- And you go get the bride and treat
her with respect,

she's your future queen.
That's enough. Enough!

- But dear King, you have three daughters.

Pardon me, but which one will be
my future Queen?

That's right.

Nevermind, bring all three of them!
- Yes.

- Meanwhile I'll go get my regalia and

think it over there.
- Yes.

All of you, turn the other way!

The King is entering a secret door!

- I know, I know,

I can't find anything because
I'm not good at it.

I think only of myself and
don't know what I want.

I can almost hear you, Marenka.

But I still need my king's robe.

Because I'm marrying off our daughter, Marenka.
And that's not job for a man.

I would need you here now.

Nobody advises me...

Nobody likes me...

l'm not exaggerating!
Nobody complies with me!

Please, where have you put that...

Sorry, here it is.

I haven't worn it since our wedding.

Do you remember...
it's been so long,

we said when our daughters will grow up,
and we arrange their weddings,

we'd leave it here to them to rule

and we'd go to the seaside,

where we can read and talk?

As you can see, that time has come.
And I'm here all alone and must decide alone.

All of this, and whole kingdom too,

shall belong to Drahomira or Zpevanka
or Maruska.

One of them it shall be, but which one?

I love them all equally!

And each one is so different.

For example Drahomira,

when they showed her to me
for the first time,

I didn't know whether to cry or laugh.

But even ugly buds grow up to beauty.

As far as you can see, in lands far away,
you'll not find a fairer, more graceful,

and vainer person.

Often she made us laugh when she was
dolling herself up with fancy shards,

and then we had to lift her to the mirror,
so she could see how it suits her.

And it suits her even today.

She'd be a fine queen,
but more for an eye than for ruling.

About our second born, Zpevanka,

the crow must have delivered her to us
from some fairy land

where laughter governs and
where worries are banned

and singing goes for from dusk till dawn.

But I don't know how would she stand as a
queen in our clear-headed world.

She'd might be seen as too...
...vocal to our people.

- And he's here again! Again! Again!
Again! Again! Again!

Don't pipe, piper!

Can't you hear?

Can't you speak?

You're crazy!

He's crazy.

He is, but crazy about you!

Can a queen be married to a piper?

She can, but a singer can never be the queen.

A tiara of art suits
the royal head better

than golden jewels!

Your singer's throat is lying, sister.

I shall be the queen!

We'll see about that!

Also, you've forgotten about something.

There's also Maruska!

- (sarcastically) She'd make a fine queen!

I wonder what she's wearing
for this opportunity.

- Sister!
- Maruska!

- Maruska!

Boys, haven you seen Maruska?

Oh, here you are, princess Maruska!

The King wants to decide which one
of you will be the queen.

Take off your apron and
dress in your best.

- But an apron suits me the best.
Much better than a royal crown.

- You do not know that.

It would, for you speak so wisely.

Where did you come from, old woman?
What do you want here?

I sell spices.

Vanilla, nutmeg and cinnamon,
whatever you like.

I have everything.

Rare saffron, pepper, marjoram,
caraway and mustard.

Spice from a myrtle tree!

We'll buy it all from you, Granny.

Cook, bring the scales.

- And do you have any salt?
- Only spices.

But salt is more precious than any spice!

I've already said that the royal crown
would suit you well.

It will be Maruska.

She's the wisest and loves me the most,
like you used to love me.

Thank you for your advice, Marenka.

May the Princesses enter!
Play the music!

Where is Maruska?

She'll be here in a moment.

The one I was depending on the most,
doesn't even bother to show up.

She was taking care of your kitchen!

The kitchen is everything and
l'm nothing!

When I die, not even the dog will bark!
When I close my eyes...

I'll end up a beggar when I'm old.
My own daughters will exile me from my house.

- But daddy!
- Silence!

Silence!

You are both same and
so is the third.

Do not rush!
Take your time!

It's only your father awaiting you.

So...

- Hear, hear, hear!

When fate will have weaved my life's
thread to the end,

my days will be fulfiled,
and my throne will stand empty.

When my daughters will put aside
the veil of mourning,

and tears will be wiped with
brand new days,

strifes, skirmishes and infighting
over the crown,

may threaten the unity of the land.
- Oooh!

But cheer up, my subjects!

Your King and sovereign knows best
what to do in such difficult times.

Oooh!

I've decided that I will select
the next queen today.

It'll be the one who loves me the most!

Thus speaks my will!

Come forward, Drahomira,

and tell me how much you love me.

I love you like... gold.

Hm, gold? A rare element!

Actualy, why not.
Very good, Drahomira.

And now you, Zpevanka,
how much do you love me?

Daddy, my King,
I love you like gold too.

Wait a moment!
We already heard that.

I love you like the gold in the throat
this kind of gold:

(clapping)

- A pity that your mother can't see this,
she'd be happy.

I can see and hear that you truly love me.

And now Maruska.

Tell me, how much do you love me?

- I love you like... like...

I love you... like only
a daughter can love her father.

Well, that's an obligation, isn't it?

Anyone can come up with that.

Take an example from your sisters!

And now again.
You love me like...

Ok, I'll help you.

Besides gold, there are other things.
Equally or more precious...

- I love you like salt!

- Like what?
- Like salt.

Salt?

Salt?!

- Yes, salt, because salt is needed.

Because salt is abundant everywhere.

Because everyone has enough of salt.

I see!
You mean that you've had enough of me!

But daddy...

My own child has enough of me!
My own blood has enough of me!

Thank God your mother
can't see this now!

Daddy, you don't know what I meant.

I know nothing but you know everything!

Child is lecturing her father,
I really like that!

Daddy, there is no reasoning with you.

And now you are rude too!

No reasoning with me?

Isn't that funny?
- Oooh!

- It's not! It's sad!

So I am to be laughed at?

Alright then.

Get out of my house!
Get out!

I said, get out!

- Go home, go back!

- My King!
- I am here!

- Ooh!

My King, I've been looking for you!

They're here!
- Who?

- We expected them to come from the river
but they came from the forest.

- Who?
- The princes!

Princes? - Mhm.
- Damn, that's not good.

How many?
- Three.

- Three!
And princesses are...

- Are two.
- Two. And one throne.

- That makes it six together!
- That makes... wait how?!

- 3 + 2 + 1 = 6!
- That's right! But nooo!

The throne is just one but
princesses are...

- Two!
- For now! For now there are two!

- Because Maruska...
- Maruska... you expelled her.

- Excuse me?
- It's true.

- Actually I did.

But she'll come back!

She can't be without me.
She'll be sorry,

I know her! And before night
she'll be back!

- And before night will be 7 of them!
- What are you saying, seven?

- That's right!
- 3 princes + 1 throne...

- Leave the throne out of it!
- But I have to!

- It's about the throne!
- You don't have to!

No, no, you're confusing me.

You're counting pears and apples together.
And that's not about it!

- What is it about then?

- It's about that 3 princes are not
3 princesses...

- But two!
- Yes, I mean - NO!!!

Stop that math.

You're just confusing me.
How can I decide...

- But but but but but but!
Princes are waiting!

- And I don't want to see them!

Not now.

Tell them to rest, wash and change,

I invite them to dinner.

Then it will be dark
and Maruska will be here.

And now strew (leave).

I said strew (leave).

- Sure, but what?

Strew yourself away!

- I see. Strew myself away!
Strew away!

So amusing, my King!

I'm strewing away! I'm strewing away!
I'm strewing away!

What should I to say to them?

- You can sing to them, if you like,

just keep them busy!

- In the King's name,

Et cetera welcomes and greets you.

Et cetera, that's me!

Et cetera, that's me!

I'm the right hand of my King!

I'm the right hand of my King!

Et cetera!

I change my profession with
every thought of his,

from a barber to a doctor,
from the doctor to a grooms,

from the grooms to a scribe,
then right to the chamberlain,

right away from the chamberlain,
I graze horses and foals.

Serving as castle warden,
I serve to the morning,

I sing with him and weep with him,

I weep with him and sing with him,

When being his friend, I drink from jug
with him till the morning.

He comes for advices to me,
we bother each other.

Sometimes he hits me,
and then he strokes me.

To sum it up:
I'm his Majesty's,

To sum it up:
I'm his Majesty's,

I'm his main counsellor.

Et cetera, Et cetera, Et cetera,
Et cetera,

Et cetera, my great repute!

Et cetera, Et cetera, is my name!

- I can't introduce myself
so nicely but...

- You don't have to!
I can tell who you are!

You are the Handsome Prince, son of...
- King Alabaster the Sixteenth.

- Right. And you are the Brave Prince,
son of...

- King Cannonman the Eighth.

- Right. And you are the
Wise Prince...

- Son of my father.
- I see.

I shall accompany you to your chambers,
you must be tired after your journey.

- What are you spying here, gardener?

- I'm watching over you.

When you were little you
couldn't climb trees.

- But now l'm big.

- And still clumsy.

- Watch out, that's Drahomira!

- Why would you call it like that?

- Because it got noble stature like you,
has a sweet scent, like you.

- But stings!
- Just like you.

- Give it to me.

And keep it. I've got a prettier one,
a golden one.

- Golden rose has no scent.

- But it's more beautiful!

- A rose without scent...
is like a beauty without a heart.

- Our swamp isn't good for your
little shoes, princess.

- Put me down!

- As you wish.
- Ouch!

- Who doesn't know this area,
won't make it far.

And where to now?
- There!

- To the wood there?
- Mhm.

- But that forest is deep.
- So what!

- Aren't you afraid?
- No!

- Why won't you talk more?

- Because, I'm sad,
and don't ask me anymore.

We're on solid ground again.

Goodbye, fisherman.

- Stay! It will be dark soon,

and my hut is near.

- I want to be alone now.

But one day I will come to you.

Goodbye, fisherman.

- Come in, little daughter.

Come in, there's nobody here.

Don't be afraid!

You must be hungry, right?

Make some garlic soup.

The firewood is nicely dry,
it will burn like a tinder,

if you know how to light it.

That's enough, Maruska.
I can see that you can.

But now sit down at the table,
the soup will be ready soon.

But it's not going to be this
easy every day!

Today is an exception,
because you walked whole day.

Sit down.

Oh, that soup smells so nicely!

I'll taste some too!

Good evening.

- It's you, granny!

- I am little late.

It takes some time to put all
the little ones to sleep.

The shoemaker's Anicka,
would not fall asleep!

You were a little afraid,
weren't you?

- I was, but I was nicely afraid.

Granny, and how do you do
all these things?

- Who knows everything has no
interest in learning more.

Besides it was an exception today for
having such a nice guest here.

What would we have hands for?

I'll do it myself.
You cut the bread.

So you're saying that salt is more
precious than gold?

- And isn't it?

- Before we find out about that,
we'll eat some food.

- May the King enjoys the royal meal!

Eels, oysters...

- What do you think?
Is it dark outside?

- Oh, yes! You could almost
cut it in pieces!

- Well, I don't think so.
- Well, it's not dark,

but you can't see anything!

Well maybe dark can be seen,
but I can't see it!

- Tell me, Handsome Prince,
is it dark outside?

- Only ugly people are interested
in darkness,

because it can hide their ugliness.

Darkness is not my case.

- Wise Prince, what think you?
Is it dark?

- It depends on the darkness.

It's not dark as in pitch,

but if it's dark in my land,
then I export it abroad.

Some monarchs pay a good price
for this good darkness.

- So, is it dark or not?

- Command me and
I shall make darkness!

- Let's eat then.

- Eels, oysters, burbots,
lampreys, salmons,

rolls made of fish roes
and crayfish,

wild ducks and
roasted capercaillies,

and then boiled in wine
with peach.

Little pikes warmed for three days
in beech vapor,

and drowned in cream.

- Stop! A herring.

I said, bring a herring
for everybody!

How is it?
Do you like it?

Do you like it?

It's delicious, isn't it?

The one I am eating, is delicious!
What a delicacy, right?

And what a lovely smell!
And have you tried the head?

Try that head, it's delicious, crispy!

So, do you like it?
You like it?

You don't like it, right?

And why not?

You don't know?
Ok, I'll tell you!

Because it's salty!

- Oooh, yes!

- Yes, salty!

Not even the dog wants it.

Even that silly animal knows that salt is just
ordinary, worthless and common taste!

Hm, Taste? Pff!
It's aftertaste!

Just my own blood, my own daughter...

It's dark!

It's so late and my girl isn't home yet.

She leaves her father's house...

Maybe she's in the garden?
Hidden?

What an invention...

modern flint and steel,
with password...

I'll shine on her!

I'll shine on the whole kingdom!

Maruska!
Maruska!

Maruska!

- Daddy!

Granny!

Granny!

Granny!

- I know, you dreamt that your
dad was calling you,

and you would like to go back
to him, right?

- I would, granny.
- Well, do as you wish,

if you think the right time has come.

- The right time?
I miss daddy.

- You two were fighting over salt.
And who was right about it?

- I was,

but I still miss him,
and my heart hurts,

and his surely too.
- Maybe.

Give him time and he might find out,

that truth can't be shouted down
or expelled from home.

You gotta be patient,
even when your heart hurts.

The truth is worth of any pain.

- If only he knew that he doesn't
have to worry about me.

Would that be possible, granny?

- You're lucky!

It's just about time when
rare herbs blossom.

Look, this is a rare herb.
You smell it once and you'll disappear.

Smell again and you'll appear.

Try it.

Hehe, you look like a ghost.
You sniffed too little.

Never do anything with half effort!
Not even miracle!

Breathe in more!

- What now, granny?

- Make wish to be in the castle and
another rare herb will take you there.

- I wish that, granny,
but l'm still here.

- I forgot to pick that herb,
I've almost messed up.

Smell it again.

Let's go to the woods,
there is plenty of that herb there.

- I want to sleep, I want to sleep,
I want to sleep.

Sleep I want!

What do I want?
Sleep!

What I wanna do about sleep?
I want to sleep!

Who wants to sleep?
Not to me!

I won't sleep, won't sleep!

- But you're already sleeping!

- Not at all!
Huh!

Maruska! Is it real or just a dream?

- Of course it's a dream!

If this wasn't a dream,
could I do this?

- So, I am dreaming about you.
You are my nice dream.

But I couldn't fall asleep,
they didn't make my bed properly!

Nobody can make my bed like you.

- Mom gave me some hard drill in it,
so I can do it now!

- Oh yes, your mom.

It's pity that we never had a fleet.

Your mom was a born admiral.

- Let me do it. You'll never fall
asleep like that!

- I'm not sleeping already?
- You are, but not properly.

- I can sleep nicely too!
Look.

And I'm dreaming about my
dearest daughter.

But when I wake up,
I won't be dreaming about you,

l'll be worried about you again.

- You can stop worrying about me.

I'm doing good and you're my dearest dad.

- And you are my dearest dream about my
pigheaded daughter,

who has come back to daddy,
and daddy has forgiven her.

- Forgiven her what?
- You know, about that salt.

- You have nothing to forgive me.

- If you want to fight again,
then disappear.

- Daddy, don't say that,
or I will do it.

- Wait, wait, not yet!

So you're still saying that salt is
more precious than gold?

- And isn't it?
- It is not.

Everyone can live without salt.
- l'd like to see it!

- And you will see it!

All the salt, in the whole kingdom, every pinch,
I'll destroy to the last pinch!

- And how will you do it?

- You should know that,
if you're so clever!

I'll give order for all salt to be brought
here and we'll throw it into water.

And now go to the beddy to sleep!

- Dreams don't sleep,
and l'm your dream, you know.

- Yes, you are my dream.

But my dream is MY DREAM!

And my dream must obey what
I want him to do! Right away!

And don't try to upset me!
I'm not the dream here!

Well, I'm not a dream,
you are not a dream!

Wait, you're not dreaming,
you are a dream!

Who...? Or who is
in the dream?

- Why are you sneaking into my dream?

- I just wanted to ask you,
who are you shouting at.

Who... Whom... Who...
What are you complaining about?

- Why would I dream about you, when I am
already dreaming about Maruska?

Damn! She was right here
and now she's gone.

Because of you! That's
your fault!

Maruska!
Where is she?

Maruska!

Where are you?
Maruska!

- Maruska!
- She's gone!

- She's gone!
- Maruska!

- Maruska!

Oh, when you're dreaming already,
which one fits, what do you think?

- What do you mean by that?

Only my Maruska,
I dream of Maruska!

- Ouch! OUCH! Hehehe
Who's doing that?

- So, what's wrong with you?
Do you feel sick or what?

- Somebody is tickling me!
Somebody is tickling me!!

- Get out, you buffoon!

- I am a buffoon?
You're a buffoon!

You're quarrelling with a chair,
your cap is rising on your head,

my candle snuffed out, somebody
is tickling me here,

and you call me buffoon?!

Firstly, I don't know what that means!
And secondly, it offends me!

I'm leaving.

So I can't even ask you
which one should be the queen!

- Not the pigheaded one!

Actually, let the princes decide
themselves.

And come here and snuff
out the light.

So? Did you hear me?

Will you?
- Coming!

And now get lost!

What a dream, the most
stupid dream I know.

I know! I'll wake up
from all of this!

I want to wake up!
I want to wake up!

I want to wake up!
I want to wake up!

What did I want?
To wake up.

- Goodnight, daddy.
- Goodnight.

- Such a lovely day, isn't it?
- Yes, like a golden one.

- And how have you slept?
- My bed was too soft.

I prefer to sleep on a battlefield.

- And the din of battle doesn't
disturb you?

- I mean, after the victorious battle!

I can see a lovely glade from my room,

with three apple trees and
crystal clear well.

- That well.
Cook!

Is there water of life or death
in that well?

- I don't know that!
I don't drink water.

The water of life is great for your skin!

- Now I'm thinking...
Cook!

Do these apple trees next to the well
grow golden apples?

I'd like to graft golden apples
on our trees at home.

Even if it gives you few golden apples,
it would be without work.

Do you like to work?

- I mustn't! Effort makes
people ugly.

- I prefer to fight!

Hey, slacker, listen!

Isn't nearby some gloomy ravine or gulch
where wild dragons have their lair?

- Dragons?
Maybe wild rabbits.

- Pity! Dragons are my cup of tea!

Six heads cut down by single blow!

- Do you have a hot water?

- We do, but the kitchen is still closed.

- Oh my!
Where have you been?

If you excuse me...

Quickly start with wooing!

The Princesses are in the garden,
let's say "randomly",

and you should "randomly"
meet them!

So go, go, woo, woo, chase them,
flirt with them!

Quickly!

The one you will like best,
is yours!

What about this?
Here we go.

You can finish your meal
at the wedding feast.

And we're finally alone!

Well...

Is this enough for two of us?

- I won't surely give them everything!
- Hahaha!

- Pff, princes! Dummies, more likely!

- Shall we start?
- Mhm

- And when he got through the thorns,

he entered the castle where
every soul was sleeping.

The Sleeping Beauty, too, of course.

And the Handsome Prince kissed her...

- And the princess woke up.

We know that one.

- You know that one, but you don't know,
who the Handsome Prince was.

It was me!

And have you heard of Snow White?
The one who served the dwarfs.

Then she slept in a glass coffin and
a Prince came, woke her up,

with a kiss. And...

- And that was you, too!

- So, you know that?
- And then they got married.

- And the same with the Sleeping Beauty.
That's how it usually ends, right?

They got married and lived
happily ever after.

- Exactly!
Those are just fairytales!

I didn't marry her.
I've never wanted to get married.

Actually, untill I met you!

Love made my heart beat.

Quiet!
Can you hear it beating?

(GUNSHOT)

- What are you doing?
- Learning to shoot!

- Why?? - In case a bear comes by,
l'd shoot him!

- What would bear was doing here?

- He'd would be looking for honey!
- But we don't have bees!

- A swarm might fly around!
- And have you seen the swarm?

- No, I haven't.

- Then go and look for it!
- True that!

- We have to outsmart the fools!

I know a lot about that!

Cleverness is my specialization!

It's like the Prince who rescued
the Princess from the clutches of

a twenty headed dragon.
- It was you, right?

- Me? Not at all!
He was a fool!

I knew that Princess,
she wasn't worth it.

But if it had been you,
I don't wanna jinx it tho,

the dragon could have forty heads, or fifty,

or even hundred heads...

(GUNSHOT)

- Save yourself!

I've missed him!
- Whom?

- Save yourself!

- Save us!
- Save us!

- Yes, alright!
Right after I get my armor on!

- Hu!

(Hu)
Hu! hu!

What a surprise!
It isn't the bear after all!

- Something worse - a piper!

- You should be ashamed spoiling
our chances!

Do you want us to end like old maids?

- And you would want to marry
such dummies?

- Pff!

- Pff!

- What did I answer to her actually?
- If I only knew!

Wait, wait, wait...
Once again...

She made the bed and said
she was doing good...

- Don't start with that again,
or it will obsess you like the other night!

Take the bath,
that will help you to relax.

- We quarrelled about salt,

and I said to her...

if only I knew,
what I said to her!

- You called me a buffoon!

But l've forgiven you already.

- You have nothing to forgive me...

That's what she said to me, that I have
nothing to forgive her!

- It's getting cold for you!

- And I wanted to prove that I was right...

but how I wanted to prove it,
I can't remember at all...

- But you will, you will, you will remember!

- Aaah!

- Aaah!

- What a bath!

This will make you relax!
- What is it?

- A lavender salt!

I'll dissolve it in the water!

- Dissolve it in the water!

That's what I told her!
And I will do that!

- I know you will do that!

- Salt!

Bring all the salt to me!
To the Castle!

Saaaaaaaaaaalt!

I command to overyone everywhere
in my kingdom,

to hand over all the salt you got,
without waiting, men, women or kids

bring all the salt,
otherwise you'll be punished!

All of the saaaaaaaaalt!

Every single pinch of it! To the very
last grain! To the Castle!

That's will of your King, Me The First.

(carpenter)

- Next one!

Next one!

Next one!

(carpenter)

Next one!

Next one!

You don't have more?

- I do. But I am not giving more!

- You dare to oppose the King's command?

- Command?

It's nonsense!

- Shut up, you mouthy woman!

- I'll show you who is mouthy here!

And to the king too!
He knows why he is out of sight.

He's ashamed - that's it.

He was always a bit daft,
but we said it's fine,

because he has a good heart. But now?
Now he's totally crazy!

Yesterday he drove out Maruska
and today he's taking our salt.

Just like that! With no reason!
Salt!

Even the cattle can't live without it,
even wild animals go for it!

If that smartass doesn't know that,

let him ask my little Majdalenka,
she will tell him!

And what shall we salt with?
You don't know, right?

You eager beaver!

- Me? Eager beaver?
- Yes!

- You brazen tongue!
I'll throw you into the prison!

- Me?! You...!!

(SLAP)

- Oh my, what a woman!

- And she's right.
What will they salt with?

- With nothing.
And so shall you.

- But that won't be eatable.
- Flummery, mummery!

- Next one.

What is it?

You couldn't come earlier?
Everyone has been here already!

Who are you?
- The herbalist.

The herbalist...

The herbalist...

And are you from this kingdom?

- I belong to everywhere.

- I belong to everywhere...
I belong to everywhere...

You don't belong here,
according to me!

You're not on my list.

Gimme! I'll... throw it there.

You are a pretty granny.

I've seen you somewhere...

But that's quite a long time ago.

You know what?
Keep your salt.

- If the King would need it,
he can always have it.

- Where have I seen that granny before?

Everything is completed!
Everything is done!

- It's not!
- But all the salt...

- No! I'm not done with that
stupid mineral yet!

I command to throw all the salt into water
and drown it like a kitten!

Right now!
Immediately!

- Maruska! Maruska!

Moon, you're the guardian of the lovers,
tell me, where is Maruska?

- When the water on the bottom sighs,

a tree drops its branch in the foam,

meanwhile a restless dragonfly,

turns stalks into rings.

No, my song isn't passionate enough,

but we look to each other's eyes,

In the silence I hear that heart beating,

I hear yours and you mine.

- That's the end of the song?

- No. There's one more verse,

about the deepest silence.

- Sing it then.

Only two can sing that.
- I know the melody. Teach me the words.

- It has neither melody nor words.

- How is it sung then?

Like this...

- Maruska! Maruska!

- Maruska, where are you?
Maruska!

- She'll come back to you soon!

- You're the kindest granny!
I was afraid you'd be angry.

- Why would I? I know that
fisherman of yours,

I was his godmother, he's a good lad.

But for now focus on something else,
and watch this!

- To prove that I am right,
- Like always!

- I've ordered to prepare a pork feast,

which won't be affected by
a single grain of salt,

salt, which they said is necessary
for enjoying the food! Haha!

So, l'm ceremonially initiating the first
salt-free pork feast ever.

Bon appetit!

- Music!

Well, eat half to full, drink half to full.

I don't know how about you,
but l've enjoyed the food very much!

- So have we.

But, honestly,
it might have been better.

- Yea, it'll never be better
without salt.

- It will, it will be.
We have plenty of tastes.

For example, what's sweet
doesn't need to be salty!

Brilliant! Tomorrow you will prepare
a sweet feast!

Enough.
- Pardon?

- Enough!

- What are you giving me?
- We have plenty of tastes.

What's sour doesn't need to be salty.

- How dare you talking to me like that?
- Give me salt and you'll enjoy food again.

- Salt, salt!

It's not art to cook with salt!
Without salt - that's art!

- Can't be done without salt.
- It can.

- It can't!

- It can! And I'll prove it to you!
I'll cook alone!

- And l'll be watching.
- No, you won't,

because l'll throw you into prison.

- But you rebuilt the prison
into wine-cellar!

- Then we'll lock him in the wine-cellar!
He looks like a barrel anyway!

- Fluffy pan... pancake,
Here it is!

Soft fluffy pancake, pleases the king
and even his subjects.

- Alright. So, read it.

- Prepare a lump of yeast, eggs, sugar,
smooth flour, warm milk,

lemon peel and...

- Read! Read!

- Ehh... lemon peel and...

- And what?

- And salt!

I told you, can't be done without salt!
- You empty head! - Haha!

- We'll put spices instead and
tastes will be rich!

Haha!

Give it here, we'll start immediately!

So crack one or two eggs...

Wait, what are you doing?

One OR two eggs.

- Well, 1 egg or 2 eggs = 3 eggs!

- That's right.
So, crack one.

- Ooh.

- Wait, it seems to be boiled ones.

- No, they're not. - Hehe.
- We must try a different method...

Pass one or two eggs.
- That makes it three!

- Put them into the mortar

and let's go.

- And what about the shells?

- Every egg has a shell,

if it didn't, it wouldn't keep together!

- That's right! At least the pancakes
will be nice and crunchy!

- Add fragments of glass instead!

- Punish him!

- Bunglers! You can't even hit me!

- Well, there's not much of it.
- There's not.

How big pancake do you want?

- Well... for the whole castle,
about half an acre.

- Damn! That'll take some time!

What do we start with?

- With flour!

That's remarkable how heavy it is,
when the flour is in one sack.

- If we do things with enthusiasm
and passion!

- Then our work succeeds!
- It must!

You're amazed, right?

- Hm, he's not watching right now,
when he might learn something.

- He's sitting there green from envying us,
because we're doing good!

- Just, let him suffer!

- Without the phantasms that
delude you in the skies.

And take what mother's care
affords here!

- Now it will be fine and crunchy!
- That's right!

- And now we add some milk.
- Moment! Is it warm?

- Of course it is!
I know how to cook!

Have you thrown in some yeast?
- What what?

- Have you thrown in some yeast?

- I haven't!
- Do it then!

Throw it there and I'll throw it in here.
Adequately!

- Adequately!

Adequately!

Adequately!

Adequately!

- Well, that's it. And now...

- And now salt!
- Not salt! Spices!

- Spices for half an acre!
- That's right!

- Caraway seeds? And how much?
- Well, how much...

Adequately!

- Adequately!

Adequately!

Adequately!
- Bay-leaf? Why not!

- Saffron, to give it colour!

Adequately, adequately...

- Red pepper to give it pep.

- And mustard to give it sharpness!
Hehe!

- And nutmeg to taste!

- What about chamomile?
- Shove some in!

And marjoram!

- What about thyme?
- Yes, thyme!

And... ginger!

- Huh! What about that box??

- It'll get absorbed.

What is that?

- Oh, right! Right there!
It's rising already!

- Aah!

I see!

And isn't it rising too much?
Not adequately!

Look! Do something!
Put it back!

Just hold it! Press on it!
Quickly! Blow on it!

Blow on it, blow on it!
- What should I do?

- Into the arms the sweet
song of woods,

Into the arms the sweet, sweet flavour...

- It'll swallow us and we'll die here!

- Help!
- Help!

(opera bros) Help!

Cook! Help us!

- What is it?

- I command you to come and
help us at once!

- Me too!
- You won't command me!

You have to beg me.
- How dare you!

- Wait, you have to beg!
Do it!

- Then, I beg you.
- That's not enough.

You have to beg me nicely!

- Then, I beg you nicely!
- That's right!

- Well, that's how I like it!

Here you go.
- Give it to me and pull!

Follow me, follow me!

Follow me and don't be scared,
don't be scared!

- And what now?
- We have to hold the door no matter what!

- Look, look! I don't want to panic,
but we are lost!

- We're not lost!
We'll stuff it and hold it!

And you hold me, and push!

In the hardest moments only the Ruler
himself always knows what to do!

- Person shouldn't get old unless he is wise.

- That's not your quote.
- But it's handy.

- For you, but now I know what
I didn't know before.

- Tell me, if I know as well!

- I know that special work should
be done by specialists.

- I didn't know that...

- It could have been delicious...
those... things...

- Fluffy pancakes!
And they will be again!

- No, they won't.
- You will laugh,

and they will be!
- No, they won't.

Nothing will be.

I'm tired and a bit ashamed.

I feel sad... and I feel like crying.

- I can make you laugh!
You'll be laughing about what I can do!

An elephant stood in the river Nile,

and his trunk is under water,

and suddenly a crocodile came
and seized his trunk.

Do you know what that elephant said?

That's a stupid joke.

Hehehehe...

- That made me laugh, man...

Then I'll imitate a rooster for you!
Just a little rooster!

That one was very little.
Now bigger one!

(laughs)

- I'm glad that you're laughing.

- And you will laugh too!
Come, quickly!

Take that gold.

- And why are we doing this?

- Now we'll see who was right.

We'll see whether salt is more
precious than gold!

Got it? She has salt!

- Who?

- That widow, that young clean woman
who smacked you.

- I see!
- She has salt, okay?

We'll give her all the gold and
all the jewelry.

And she'll give us her salt,
We'll salt our bread!

In addition l'll prove that I was right!
Yay!

Load it there!
- Sure!

- She lives here.
- Yup.

- Go and speak to her.

- I did once.
You can do it this time.

- Me?
- Yes, knock on the door.

(knock knock knock)

- That is not enough!
You must knock 3 times with your fist!

(KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK)

- What's wrong with you?

Oh, what fancy guests!

What do you look for here?

- Ehm I... l... l'm not, l'm not
looking for anything...

Here I brought something very
useful for you,

real, royal, not fake, fancy treasure.

Such a treasure is always useful
in a household.

Do you sleep on a straw mattress?

For a little ring like this you can get
three carts of eiderdown.

Do you go dancing?

Put on these emerald earrings
and your neighbours will turn green!

Don't you like your cottage?

Sell one ruby and buy a farm house.

You can have everything you see here,
all the jewellery and beauty things.

Just for...
- In exchange for what?

- For a bag of salt!
- For a bag of salt, right?

And then l'll salt my bread with diamonds?

Or with earrings?

And we'll give the sheep
emeralds to lick?

- Bugbear! Bugbear!

- Nah, that's not a bugbear,

but he has bugbears in his mind.

He wears the cloak because of shame
and calls himself the king.

You should be ashamed! You're burly man but
you're acting like an old virgin.

What have you done with our salt?
What?

If you offered me your whole kingdom,
I won't give you a single grain!

I'm saving it for good people!

- What's wrong sister?

- I am going to faint.

- That's beacuse we're starving.

- Better to starve than eat no salted.

- Sister, don't fall asleep!

Oh, what should I do?

Help! Help! Heeeelp!

Help us, help us, help us!

Heeeeeelp us!

- Thank you, gardener.

I have a headache, my throat
is getting tight and my heart hurts.

- Feeling better?

You feel sorry about jewels?

- I like being liked.
- I like you without them.

Besides, l've got better one.

- Help us, help us, help us!

- What's going on?
Why are you calling for help?

- How come you can talk?
- Because my mom taught me.

- And why didn't you talk before?
- Was any reasonable talk with you before?

- Was or wasn't..., but now you have to
go with me to help my sister.

- She doesn't need it anymore.

- But now l'm feeling strange...

Going... to faint...

- My ear!
Ouch!

And now nose is stucked!

- Can you hear it?

All princesses used to lie at
my feet, but these?

I don't get it, am I getting old?

- We don't complain.
We packed all we have,

and farewell Hungry kingdom!

- You're going too right?
- Of course!

- That's right,
even courtiers are leaving.

A dog died here!

- Excuse me, do you know
where is the kingdom,

where baked pigeons fly itself
to your mouth?

- I think the best way is across
seven rivers.

- Ah, it's better to go around
Gingerbread house.

- Thank you.
- They will get lost there!

- They won't find anything.
I've searched everywhere already.

You have to work... everywhere.

- Where are you off to, faithful courtiers?

- Should we... help?
- But!!!

- He means to us, not them!

- Let us do it, old man!

- We will help you, it's heavy for you.

- What is it?

- We are wandering,
wandering and wandering!

We can't go on.
- We must.

- What must?

We just have to do one thing:
devide the loot.

Why shouldn't we devide it
here and now?

- He's right!

If we have to carry it, then let everyone
carry his own share, right?

- I can't pull it on my own.

Help me to get this out of the forest,

and after l'll give you something
in return.

- Give something in return?

We are not going to devite it equally?

- Of course, we are.

Two of us, half for each.

- And me?
- Pff, there isn't a third half!

- True, so for you two won't
left anything.

Easy!

This novelty will drill a hole in
your not used armor in a second.

- Of course.

- I'll drill a hole through you!

And everything will be ours.

- Wrong! I'll do the drilling and
everything will be mine.

- How come?

One shot will make a hole in
only one of us.

- True. And second shot will make
a hole in the other.

- That cannot be denied.

- That's right. And now we don't have to
waste time by dividing it.

- My leg!

- Ouch!

- The treasure is running off!

- Easy! Look,
what we failed to do here,

we can try do elsewhere tomorrow.

- But first we must get out of the forest.

(storm)

- They took the wrong path. They don't know,
this one leads past the gallows.

- I don't care about the gold and
the courtiers, and the shame I caused.

I want just one thing, Marenka,
to have clear mind.

Damn it! For once I wanna know
what to do.

I wanna know how to recognize the truth,
before it turns against me!

How is it, that I've never looked for her?

Haven't I installed a telescope,

to see far away,
what everybody's doing?

I... into their plates
do... look...

But having telescope is probably
not enough.

I suppose person should go into their
homes and see, hear and understand.

You're saying: mostly, do not have fear
to go among people.

And who is saying, that I am afraid?

Marenka, no matter the storm,
I am going now!

- Come already!
- Wait when it stops raining.

- I won't! Even if wheelbarrows
were falling from sky!

- And where do you want to go?
- Wherever,

where the bread is salted and
the king is good.

The one who rules here
is neither good nor a King!

If he expelled his own daughter,
what can you expect from him?

Yesterday he took the people's salt,
tomorrow he might shave their heads.

And it's sadly around here.
- And lack of salt!

- Come, come!

Come already!
We'll salt our radishes,

and have some beer,
- And salted roll!

- and bacon! Come then!
- Lucky men.

They'll salt some radishes, have some beer,
salted roll and bacon.

But what about me?

I've expelled my daughter,
yesterday I took the people's salt,

and tomorrow I'll shave their heads...
What am I saying?!

But who will help me?

- Alright, I will help you.
But I need Maruska for that.

Maruska!

Maruska!

- You were calling me, Granny?
- What's that good meal, you're cooking?

- A fish soup.

He's back from fishing and he's starving.

- Well, that's fine.
You'll be back in a moment.

But before that you must go to your daddy.

You're not glad?
- I am.

- You'd rather finish cooking
that soup, right?

What's wrong?
Did anyone hurt you?

- I hurt my daddy.

I always thought I loved him only.
With all of my heart.

- And suddenly there is a room
for the fisherman as well.

Don't be sad about that.

A good heart has room for all
people of good will.

It's like with this cup of salt.

It contains as much salt
as how much love is in your dad's heart.

If he wanted to salt only his bread,
the salt in this cup won't be enough.

If he wanted salt for everyone,
it's bottomless.

- Maruska!

Aw, I'm sleeping somewhere again
and you are my dream.

- I'm not your dream tonight.
It's real me, tonight.

- Really the real one?

- Carefully! Don't spill the salt!

- You have salt!
You don't have more?

- Is it not enough for you?
- Ah, not for me, but for the people,

and it's not enough for them.

- Maybe it's enough!
You know what? Let's try!

- Show me!
It's a bottomless cup of salt!

There's a whole pint of salt in it!

Not just a pint,
there's a whole tub of salt in it!

A whole heap of salt!
A whole hill of salt!

Mountains of salt!
Salt for the whole kingdom.

Salt for the whole world!
We'll salt our bread!

- What do you say?
Salting will go easily, right?

We'll salt everything!

And don't thank me,
it's all thanks to my Maruska.

I always said you could depend on her.

And I was always kind to her,
right Maruska?

Where is that girl?

Maruska?
Maruska! Maruska!

I don't care about salt,
I just want Maruska.

Maruska! Maruska!

Maruska!

Maruska!

Hey, person!

Hey, person!

Can you hear?

Person, haven't you seen Maruska?

- Why would I climb on pear tree?

- Nah, I'm asking if you've seen
my little daugter.

- I see!

You're lurking for a little squirrel!

- No! I'm asking if you have seen a girl,
a daughter of mine!

- Oh, I see!

That forest bees are swarming!

- Nooo!

- A father... a beautiful daughter...
young...

Me stubborn... I expelled!
She left...

Heart hurts... I am searching!
I am searching!

- You are searching. If you lost her,
find her yourself.

- And I will find her!

And just so you know, it was your King
you were speaking to!

- Hahahahaha!

(nature laughs)

- Just laugh, laugh at human misfortune,
you foolish plants.

Shame on you, you silly plant!

I'll show you who's the boss here!

I'm still King, Me the First!

Ouch!

What's happening?

I'm sinking!

Help!

I'll drown in the swamp!
Help!

I'll become a rock, turn into lignite,
they'll put me into stove!

Help me people, do something,
nature!

Wise plant!

- What are you yelling here for?

- Oh deaf person...

You won't hear me.

But one day here will be a sign:

"A king who ruled badly died in this mud,"

"he fed the false people,"

"and expelled the honest ones."

"He called himself: King, Me the First,"

"but he didn't know he was the last..."

What's happening?

I feel relieved!

I'm rising!

I'm going up!

- You've found solid ground
under your feet.

- A solid ground under my feet!
I won't perish?

Long live to me!
Everything can be put right!

- Run to the fisher's house.
- To the fisher's house?

- To Maruska!
- To Maruska!

(sneeze!)

- Daddy!

- Maru...

(sneeze!)

This cold is big as... (sneeze)
as a timber!

The steam is choking me!
But you make good hot grog!

- I taught her that.

- You be quiet. You're not part
of our family yet.

But you might have written
a line to me.

Not because l'm the King.
But father should know everything.

But you haven't made a bad choice.
I must say.

The crown will suit him quite well.

- It won't, mister King.
I prefer to stay at pond.

But if you want to make me happy,
make me a fish warden.

- What is he saying?

A queen can't marry to a fish warden.

- But I don't want to be the queen.

- Then who's going to rule according to you?
- You!

Look at the mess you've made.

And who should put things right?

You can do it.
You're in your best years.

- Do you think so? In that case I can
manage one more cup.

In my best years.

- If I might say what I think, then...

- Then what?
- Then you should marry again.

- That's true.
But where would I find...

- A bride?

It doesn't have to be one who has
a monogram with a crown.

- Of course! It doesn't!

It doesn't! Why should she have
a monogram with a crown?

Wine? Give it to the chief fish warden!
To the highest fish warden!

- What?

- I'm asking if you believe that salt
is more precious than gold!

- I do.

And do you know what is more
precious than salt?

- Everybody knows that!
Love, of course!

- And love is the salt of life!