Un Cuento Chino (Chinese Take-Away)

Chinese Take-Away (2011). Argentine tragi-comedy film written and directed by Sebastián Borensztein. Starring by Ricardo Darin, Muriel Santa Ana, Ignacio Huang, Enric Cambray and Iván Romanelli.
Roberto is a veteran of the Falklands war. He runs his own hardware store and collects newspaper articles about grotesque mishaps originally triggered by a lack of diligence.
While Roberto believes he has his life under control and is safe from surprises, he is confronted by an appalling incident. A Chinese man named Jun is thrown out of a moving car in front of Roberto's eyes. An event that will change both lives...

Based on some true facts

CHINESE TAKE-AWAY

Hardware Store "De Cesare"

302, 303, 304, 305, 306, 307, 308

309, 310

311, 312, 313, 314

315, 316, 317, 318

319, 320,

321, 322, 323.

He screwed me again,

that son of a bitch!

Look, the box says it contains

350 Phillips screws made in Argentina.

Of course I count them!

Why wouldn't I?

The box says 350!

Why do I care if the machine spits out

a few more sometimes

and othertimes a few less?!

Because I always get less!

Tell your boss
to stop busting my balls.

Either he gives me what's missing

or I'll never buy from him again!

Period!

Goddam thieves!

Scammers, they're all scammers!

Screw 'em!

All right.

100 grams
of long headless nails...

- Anything else?
- Nothing else.

$5.

- Excuse me... How do you know?
- How do I know what?

That it's 100 grams...

You're right,
I made a mistake.

It's $5.

- Bye.
- Bye.

- Hi, Roberto.
- How's it going?

- Your Internet order arrived.
- Oh.

Why don't you get a computer?

No. I need it
once a year, so I'll use yours.

The Friday magazine
with the movie.

My sister-in-law, Mary...

She is back in town for a few days...

You know... I've been thinking...

It might do you good
to have a...

- Bye.
- Bye.

Happy birthday, Mom...

I hope you like it.

How do I know it's 100 grams,
you imbecile?

Because I always give you extra...

How do I know you're an imbecile?

Because you look like an imbecile!

Look at the fried eggs and chips
I'm treating myself to

with real potatoes,
not that frozen crap

consumed
by imbeciles like you...

This one is a bit more expensive,
but this one

melts when it heats up.

And if you have to change the bulb,
you won't be able to unscrew it.

Trust me: Spend a little more
and take this one, it's much better.

Will you excuse me a second?
I'll be right back.

- Hello, Mary...
- Hello, Roberto. It's been a long time.

- When did you get here?
- Yesterday...

- Didn't Leonel tell you?
- Oh, yeah. He said you were here...

You never answered my letter.

I wrote you a letter
about 6 months ago...

No, no. I never got it...

You never got it?

How strange...

Anyway, if you didn't get it,
you didn't get it.

- Did you have a good trip?
- Yes... Very good.

I'm with a customer...
Sorry, I have to go back in.

- Good to see you, excuse me.
- Good to see you too...

- Bye.
- Bye.

"Dear Roberto:

During the three hour
bus ride to my village...

...not a minute passed
without me thinking of you.

It's true,
I hardly know you,

but as soon as I saw you
at my sister's house,

I felt
l'd known you all my life.

Maybe because there are two things

I notice very quickly in people:

Integrity and suffering

and you
have them both."

- My mother collected things
from around the world.

I never knew her.
But my old man used to tell me.

He even kept the ashtrays
from the time they both smoked.

- Oh, Roberto.
- What?

What?

The bed, the bed, there...

Not there, that's my father's room.

Roberto... fuck me now!

"... And since everything
has a meaning,

I can't stop
wondering

why you have gone so far away

after having been so close to me?"

Ok, Roberto. Here's your order.

...Nails -sizes- point-five,
one, and one and a half,

saw blades, small padlocks,

and one box
with big padlocks.

This box of Phillips screws is a gift,

to compensate for the
shortfall from before.

Yes, a gift...

And this is also for you.

- The boss wants you to have it.
- Let's see...

It's a set
of drill bits.

- They're British.
- British? No, thanks.

- But it's a gift.
- No! Thanks.

- Hello, sweetheart.
- How are you, Gladys?

- Fine, and you?
- Fine.

- It's rather chilly, huh?
- A bit.

- Bye, honey, till next saturday.
- Bye, thanks.

CEMETERY

...394, 395...

Son of a bitch!
He screwed me again!

There are six missing...

Six or six thousand,
it's the same thing.

It's the same thing!

Fatal Romance:

"A hot passion
goes terribly wrong.

In a remote Italian village
outside Catanzaro,

locals are still laughing
under their breath.

Everyone knew about the love affair,

but the lovers' unexpected end came
as a shock to everyone."

- "Oh, caro mio..."

- This is so funny!

No, I don't understand a word, man.

No, no...

Don't get you at all, but I saw it.
The damn taxi driver robbed you.

I know, but...

they hit you...

No Spanish?
You don't speak Spanish, do you?

Take this, put it there.

Blood, here, there...

"2737 Catarán Street".
It's the Pompeya neighborhood.

Do you live there?

Is it your house?

Your house. Do you live there?

For God sake!

Right! Stop, stop! I get it!

Get in.

Get in the car.

Get in, damn it, I'll take you there.

Get in!

There, get inside. There.

Goddamit!

No, no, no, get out... get out.

Out, out... when you see a police car,
ask them for help,

I can't do this, I tried.
I'm very sorry.

Get out. Get out!

The door.
Close the door!

Come!
Get in, let's go!

Let me see.

It's here, here...

This is the address.

Ring, ring... You go there, go.

What?

I don't understand you.
I don't get you at all.

I brought him here, I'm sorry,
Good evening. He's lost...

Sorry about the hour.
The kid is lost.

He has a tattoo on his arm
with this address.

Yes...

- can you see it?
- Yes.

I bought the property
from a Chinese man...

It was about
three and a half years ago...

- He was called... Qian.
- Qian! Qian!

- Qian...
- Qian...

Do you know
where we can find that man?

I have no idea.

- A telephone number?
- I never saw him again.

- An address? Anything?
- I lost track of him. No.

Frankly, no.

Good night, sorry.

He also has an address
tattooed on his left arm.

I took him there,
but the family doesn't live there...

I brought him here so that you can call
the Chinese Embassy in the morning...

Shut your trap, I know
what I'm supposed to do.

Bermudez!

Listen, clear out a cell
for this Asian,

until we can set a court date.

Excuse me...
why would you put him in jail?

Because this is a police station,
not a refugee camp.

The kid is lost, he's not a criminal,
why would you put him in jail?

I don't need to explain myself
to you or anybody else.

Yes, you do.
You're a public servant.

He's lost, he's not a criminal.
Why are you going to put him in jail?

If you're going to do it,
at least tell me why.

Because I damn well please.

And I damn well hate it when a jerk
in uniform disrespects me.

What was that?
Apologize now.

Or you want to
spend the night in jail, too?

I told you to apologize.

Apologize, dickhead!

Son of a bitch...

...and he asks me to apologize...

Take a shower...

water...

Hot water to...

How do I explain myself? Water...

Take a hot shower in there...
Go on.

Eat, eat.

That's "Morcilla". It's pure iron...

Argentine cows. Not mad cows.

That was an invention
of the British

messing with genetics...

And that, there, is Criadilla.
Testicles.

A true delicacy.
Nobody eats them here but me.

Liver, they eat. Chitterlings, kidney...

But not the balls. People are wimps.
Bunch of jerks!

Come here, come in.

Sleep there.

Tomorrow I'll take you
to your Embassy and that'll be that.

Come here...

His name is Jun Ho, he's 25 years old,
comes from Fu Quian and he's an orphan.

He came all the way here
working on a ship.

He arrived at the port
and asked for a taxi...

He is looking for
his "Ta Puo".

- Sorry, his what?
- His "Ta Puo". His father's elder brother.

- Basically, his uncle.
- Oh...

- Right, now we have his personal info.
- Very good...

Everything is settled then.
I can relax now.

I'll leave him with you.

Jun, it was a pleasure..

Sorry, but what's happening now?

We'll try to find his Ta Puo,
but he can't stay here.

So this is my phone number,
you leave me yours.

The only thing I'm leaving
is this kid.

I did my part.
Goodbye.

I'm not used to being with people.

Especially like this.

Eat that.

You know what, buddy?

We're gonna find
a solution to this right away,

for my good and yours.

Someone here should know
something about your uncle...

So why don't you go in and ask?

Go in and ask.

No undelstand, no undelstand.

He's Chinese, you're Chinese,
he's talking Chinese.

Why don't you understand him?

I speak cantonese.
He speaks Mandarin.

Different languages.

Motherfucker!

Hey! Me undelstand "Motherfucker"!

Out!

Out! Out!

You sister a whore!

Come here.

Sit down.

Look,

here's the deal.

We're going to set a deadline...

Otherwise, I'll explode.

Boom!

Today is day one... one.

Tomorrow is day two,

Then three, and so on...

4, 5, 6, 7.

If on day 7 we don't find your uncle,

you go, anyway.

Today: One.

All of this...

it has to go out. It goes out.

It goes out.

All of that: Here!

Hello.

Hello.

Do you have hinges
for a bathroom cabinet?

Yes.

- What size?
- Small.

- How many do you need?
- Two.

Two small hinges,
anything else?

- Oh, brass ones. Don't you have them?
- No, I don't.

But they go inside,
I don't think they're visible.

No, but when I open
the cabinet I can see them.

- I'm obsessive with aesthetics.
- I can see that.

Do you know if there is
a bigger hardware store nearby?

I mean, one that has everything.

No, I don't.

Ok, thank you. Goodbye.

Jerk...

"In Romania: Unintentional murderer".

"In the small village of Welescu,

a tragedy interrupted
the monotony of everyday life.

The inhabitants of this medieval
village in the south of Bucharest,

are still shocked by the events
leading to the death of a barber

who also put an end
to his customer's life".

Good morning!

How are you doing, Roberto?

- Hi, Mary. How are you?
- Fine.

- Leonel sends this.
- Oh, thanks.

I went out to do some shopping,
so he asked me to bring it.

Of course, thank you.

- Hey, what's that on your face?
- Nothing, it's nothing.

- Did you hire some help?
- No, no, no...

It's a Chinese kid, staying
for a week. That's all.

He doesn't speak Spanish, he's lost,
I found him in the street,

I brought him here... I don't know...

He'll stay a week,

until his relative
shows up, if he ever shows up.

Okay, look: Tonight
I'm cooking stew...

with everything: Zucchini, potatoes,
chickpeas, chicken, bone marrow...

and I'd love for you
to come.

Thanks, Mary. But I can't.

Because of the kid?
Bring him along.

Sooner or later you have to eat.
Say nine? Is it too late?

Nine, then.

You should have made noodles.

He's going to think
we're cavemen.

Don't look at him like that,
you'll make him uncomfortable.

He likes it, huh?

Why wouldn't he?
They're millions of them.

They eat whatever they can,
they're not fussy like you.

They're smart.
They eat scorpions, snakes, ants.

Are you sure he doesn't understand a word?

Nothing at all.

Just Chinese...

So how do you manage?

Gestures...

There's not much to say anyway.

From living alone to living
with a Chinaman. You're weird, Roberto.

Look how straight his hair is!

They're millenarian.

How I'd love to have hair like that...

This is my house,
in the countryside, where I live.

See how nice it is?

This is my dog, Blackie.

Why are you talking to him?
He doesn't understand anything, Mary.

He understands the pictures.

Look, this is Porfirio, the vet
who looks after all the animals.

This is Olga, my cow,
whom I milk myself.

She's a very, very good cow...

Oh, no! I can't show you this one,
I look terrible.

And here I was laughing
at Bebi's joke.

Okay. We're leaving.

It's late.

Roberto!

Yes?

Don't you want some cake,
there's quite a bit left over...

No, thanks, Mary.

Everything was delicious.
Sleep well.

Thank you.

Damn it!

No, no, no! Turn on the light!

There's a switch here, see?
Turn on the light.

Turn on the light, dammit!

Goddamit!

No.

No, leave that...

come here, come here...

Hello...

How's life
treating you, buddy?

- Like shit.
- Oh, how nice...

No, no, put it there.

I saw it last night.

It's in Russian,
with one subtitle every half hour...

Can't understand a damn thing.

Newspapers.

Put them away.

But now that you speak Chinese,
Russian must be a piece of cake!

I'm trying to do some accounting
And I don't want to screw up.

Do you need anything else?

- Bye.
- Bye bye, bye bye...

- Hello, Roberto.
- Good morning...

Look, I need
four more lamp sockets...

Okay...

Hey,
you've hired an employee.

No, no, no...

- He's... Chinese.
- Yeah, I see that.

My advice: Check his papers,

Immigration officers are
are snooping around.

Hi, Roberto, good morning.
Excuse me.

Sure.

- How are you?
- Fine.

- Isn't it a beautiful day?
- Yes.

I know you have to work
and I know you're very busy.

But I just had an idea.

Listen: Your friend is not
from here, doesn't know the city.

I don't either,
so it occurred to me

that maybe I could take him
around to see the sites...

and have a nice
day out and about.

- What do you say?
- Me?

- Is it a bad idea?
- No, no...

Okay, fine, then.

- Go get him, so I can take him with me.
- Oh, yes, I'm sorry.

Come here, come...

Take this, come.

Here he is.

- Hello!
- Go.

Come, come!

I'm taking you sightseeing.

No, no, Roberto can't come,
he's very busy.

You come with me.
Don't be afraid.

Bye!

Hello. Yes.

Yes. Speaking.

Marcelo who?

Yes, yes, he lives here!

No, he isn't now but he's living here.

Where are you calling from?

From La Plata... Are you his uncle?

And where's the uncle?

Oh, I understand.

Yes, that's my address.

Couldn't you come today?

Any time.
No problem. I...

Ok, ok. It's fine, perfect.

Give me your number, please.

Nine in the morning?

No, it's fine with me.
Tomorrow morning at 9.

Very well.

Thank you, thank you very much.

Hi.

I can't believe I had so much fun
without understanding him at all!.

We went to the Planetarium,
we rented bikes...

- I found his uncle.
- Nooo!

They just called from the Embassy.

Your uncle.

- Ta puo.
- Ta puo!

Your ta puo. Your uncle.

On the phone, just now...

- We have to celebrate, Roberto.
- Phew... of course.

Let's order a meal.

My treat if you don't mind.

And how did you find him?

For the last few days I was
pulling strings with the Embassy

and making moves in the Chinese
community and it all came together...

These are some flyers that I found.
They always leave them around.

- Anything you can recommend?
- I don't know, I never order food...

Okay, let's see...

Oh, Chinese food...

It sounds like a good
farewell meal!

- What do you think?
- Good...

- Really?
- Yes, perfect.

Okay...

She is going to order
Chinese food.

Food... Chinese...
for the three of us.

Hello, good evening.

- Your order.
- Thank you.

- Here you are.
- Thanks.

- Keep the change.
- Thank you.

Do you speak Chinese?

We have a translator,
but only for a minute...

He has to hurry back
to his job.

Say something to him, say hello.

Tell him that tomorrow morning at 9
his uncle will come pick him up,

in case he didn't understand.

He says he's very grateful
and would like to know your name.

Roberto.

With "r"...

- "Ro-po-po..."
- That's good enough.

Jun Ho.

Jun, yes! The Embassy guy told me.

It's so interesting I feel
I could ask him a thousand questions!

Another day,
the food is getting cold...

- Okay, that's it.
- Yes, of course.

Thank you for your help here.

Please, make sure
the door is closed.

- He thanks you both very much.
- Oh, it's nothing.

- Bye, thanks.
- Bye, thanks.

Let's eat!

- What did he say?
- I don't know.

I took some pictures today.

If you don't mind, I'll bring them
tomorrow morning before he leaves.

By all means, bring them for him.

Leonel was gonna print them for me,

I hope they come out nice.

What a great day!

What was great for me,
was the part when the phone rang

and a chinese guy promised to come
pick up the "package" tomorrow.

- I'm leaving.
- I'll go with you.

No, stay.

I don't want you to watch
me stumble home.

Bye.

See you tomorrow, Mary.

For your farewell...

This is called "Dulce de Leche",
the most delicious thing in the world.

Your people
forgot to invent it,

so we had
to invent it instead.

Good, right?

- Hello, I'm Marcelo Cheng.
- Roberto De Cesare, my pleasure.

- This is my wife, Ana.
- Pleased to meet you.

- And this boy must be the nephew.
- Yes, he is!

Mr. Qian is quite moved
because he thought

his nephew had died
in an earthquake in China.

Oh, I see.
And where is Mr. Qian?

I'm sorry but what's going on?

Mr. Qian says this boy
is not his nephew,

and the kid says
he's not his uncle.

Yes, he is, why not?
He is! He is!

Tell him to touch him again!
Thoroughly! Touch him again!

The Embassy
must have mistaken the names.

- We better go.
- Wait, wait...

You tell me the old man
is alone.

The kid
is also alone.

He doesn't speak Spanish.
I don't speak Chinese...

He's here because I found him
in the street, couldn't leave him there.

What I'm saying is, just until
his real uncle is found,

why doesn't he go with you?

Same language, same habits.
He's clean, reserved, helpful...

Roberto, what happened?

I'm sorry, Mary...

"JUN HO QIAN
IS LOOKING FOR HIS UNCLE"

Good morning,
I'd like to see Mr...

Excuse me... excuse me, good morning.

I know you have over five thousand
years of history,

and all the patience in the world.
But I have to open my hardware store

so I can feed myself and the Chinese
kid that I'm stuck with.

I'm holding ticket 46 and I want to know
where the other 45 people are

because there's no one
in the waiting area.

Would you be so kind
as to help me now, please?

Twelve time we stalt seeing people.

At 12? That's an hour away,
that's too long.

I need to speak
to Mr. Pin Ga Hion...

Pin Ga Hion?

In China fol two month.

Can I see his replacement, please?

- No one, we have no people.
- "We have no people?"

Over a billion Chinese people
in the whole world,

and you tell me you don't have
enough people. How dare you?

Why don't you think of a better excuse
if you don't want to help me.

I could be dead in two months!
I need a solution now!

I have a Chinaman
living in my house,

who doesn't speak
a word of Spanish.

I'm desperate,
I don't know what to do any more!

I'm all alone, nobody helps me.

D'you understand, or don't you,
you worthless idiots?

Is it so difficult?

Hello.

150 grams of washers,
do you have them?

Out!

Didn't you hear me, ass hole?
Beat it!

I'm fed up with idiots like you
who only exist to piss me off.

Out you imbecile!

Son of a thousand forsaken whores!!!

Come...

Is it me who gets breakfast?
Of course...

come here, come...

This is one hell of a mess.

It's a huge mess. Yesterday I told
you that it had to be cleared up.

We have to take all of this out.
This goes out,

out to the street.
Out, all this. Out.

Dammit!

Get in!

He doesn't speak Spanish.

Take him to the Chinese neighborhood,
leave him on the main street. Take this.

Bye, thank you.

I'm so sorry...

- Hi.
- Hi.

I came to bring these photos for Jun.

The ones I took the other day.

Jun left.

- What? His uncle finally showed up?
- No.

No, he decided to leave.

- Where to?
- I don't know...

I understand.

It must be hard to live with a stranger
who doesn't speak your language.

Last night,
I imagined myself in China.

Alone. Lost. Without money,
unable to speak the language...

But then I thought:
He's so lucky to have Roberto.

And Jun had the tremendous good luck
of meeting you.

It's hard for me
to deal with certain things.

I know.

That's why
you don't give me a chance either.

And I speak Spanish.

I love you, Roberto.
It's as simple as that.

You hardly know me, Mary...

You're grumpy, reclusive...

sensitive, kind...

and courageous...

plus, you have that gaze
that makes my knees weak...
.

You... are... very k-kind.

How the hell did I get in
this mess with you?

Just don't get it.

- Hello.
- Hello.

Sorry I'm late...
but I could only make it

if we delivered your order last.
- It's fine.

Come in.
Come in.

You can leave your things there.

I asked you to come
so I can clear up a few things.

Sit down.

First of all, tell him
I'm very grateful for what he did today.

Tell him... he can stay
a little while longer.

He says he doesn't know how
he will repay you for everything.

By studying Spanish.
I'll pay for the course.

As soon as he learns a couple of words,
he has to start looking for a job...

and a place to live.

- He says he'll study day and night.
- Very good.

Let's eat.

I'd like to know who he is,

what he does,

what work he did in China?

He's a craftsman... he worked
at a plant painting toys by hand.

And why did he leave?

He had some problems,
and since he had no family,

he decided to come to Argentina
to look for his Ta puo.

He asks whether you have a family...

No,

my mother died when I was born

and my father died
when I was 19.

What were his problems in China?

He was about to get married
when his fiancee passed away.

- He'd like to ask you a question.
- Yes, sure.

What is it you always
look for in the newspaper?

I like collecting things...

I collect stories
that are unbelievable, absurd.

Why did you start
such a collection?

My father was an Italian immigrant.

Every Sunday he received
the Italian newspaper, L'Unita...

On Sunday, April 20th, 1982

L'Unita published this news:

"Argentina is at war
with England".

He didn't clip it for the headline,
which was already totally absurd,

but for this photograph.

That's me.

With a machine gun in my hands...

My old man left Italy
escaping from the war.

He didn't know another war
was waiting for him here.

We fought under
disadvantage compared to the enemy.

Eventually, we had to surrender...

After that we were held prisoner
until they brought us to

Buenos Aires
and handed us back

secretly, like worthless trash.

They wanted to fatten us up
before sending us home.

As if putting back on a few kilos
could change what they did to us.

By then I couldn't care less.

After you've killed one guy,
two, three...ten

after you've seen
your friends die,

you don't care about anything.

All I wanted was to come home
and hug my old man.

When I got home
I realized what'd happened.

I hadn't had any newsfrom him.

The English blockade
meant that no news reached us.

The last time my father
received the newspaper L'Unita...

it had this picture on its front page.

He must have been so shocked
that he cut it out and pasted it.

That same night
he went to bed

and never woke up.

"R.I.P. ~YOUR FRIENDS"

Life is a huge nonsense,
it's totally absurd...

Everything I have here, confirms it.

For him, everything has meaning.

No. Everything has meaning?

Let's see...

All of this... every single of this...

"Patient waited two years
for a heart transplant...

The operation was a success...

when he was being taken home
the ambulance got in an accident.

His wife, his nurse
and the driver were unhurt.

The man died instantly".

This is full of that stuff.
Look at this one,

From your country... it's unbelievable.

"Fusheng Province"

"Cow falls from the sky
and unleashes a tragedy.

A gang of cattle thieves
used a plane to steal animals.

A group of armed peasants
were waiting for them."

Now, what sense does this make?

Answer me...

What's wrong? Why doesn't he speak?

What did he say?

What's he saying?
Tell me what he's saying!

That article was about him.

That was the way his fiancee died.

No, it can't be!

It can't be!

It can't be!

No... It can't be.

It can't be possible!

Son of a bitch!
You gonna rip me off?

Okay, we'll see.

Hello?

Hello?

Who is it?

I don't understand. Who is it?

Yes, it's me...

who gave you my number?

The Embassy?

Yes, yes! He's here!

Are you his uncle?

Are you sure?

Hold on...

Where?

Mendoza... Mendoza province?

I'm sorry. I don't understand you clearly

Yes, don't hang up.
Don't hang up...

Wait, wait, please...

Jun! Jun!

JUN!!!

Come, come, come!

It's your uncle, your uncle.

- Your... Ta puo.
- Ta puo!

Talk to him...

Ta puo?

(Last call for LAN Airlines,

Flight 1424,

please board through gate number 5)

- How're you doing?
- Okay...

I got you several from the provinces
and some from Mexico...

Is everything all right?

- Yes, why?
- Nothing.

Well, I'm off.

Oh, tell Mary that Jun went to Mendoza.
He found his uncle.

Mary left last night.
You're too late.

I'll tell her when she calls.

I'm home, in case you need...

Right...

Thanks...

This film was inspired
by a true report.

The story told by shipwrecked
Japanese men has been confirmed.

A cow fell from the sky
and sank our fishingship,

said the skipper
to the media.

According to the findings
of Russian investigators

members of the Russian
armed forces stole

a couple of cows
and put them aboard a plane.

However, during the flight
the cows became violent

and in order to avoid
an accident,

the crew was forced
to throw them out of the plane,

with such bad luck
that one of the cows

landed on a Japanese fishing ship

which sank to the bottom of the sea."

This is the oddest piece of news
I have ever presented.

Next the news on the economy.

We'll be back with you
after a small break.