Big Fat Quiz of the Year 2013 (NEW!!)

Jimmy is joined by different teams of celebrities to find out who can remember the most about this year's events. Jack Whitehall and Jonathan Ross, Dara O Briain and Kristen Schaal, and Noel Fielding and Richard Ayoade are amongst those taking part.

Big Fat Quiz of the Year 2013
Air date: Dec 26, 2013
Genre: Game-Show, Celebrities, Comedy

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello and welcome to
the Big Fat Quiz Of 2013.

Of course, these days you can't
call things big and fat.

So welcome to the Bubbly, Jolly,
Fully-figured, Enjoying Life,

Celebrating Our Curves
Quiz Of The Year.

The Big Fat Quiz 2013 -

think of it as a slightly more
up-to-date version
of the Big Fat Quiz 2012.

Or a slightly old hat version
of the Big Fat Quiz 2014.

If you'd like to play along at home,

then presumably you don't have
the new Xbox.

Unlucky.

Let's meet our teams.

First up, we have a bit of
fresh meat, Jack Whitehall,

and he's brought some
mutton dressed as spam,

it's Jonathan Ross.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Next up, she's the crazy stalking
fan girl from
Flight Of The Conchords,

he's a maths-loving science bod.

It's like Match.com: Pick The Teams.

It's Kristen Schaal
and Dara O'Briain.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And finally, we've got
a rock'n'roll dandy

and the brains of the operation.

All we need now is a ladies' man,
a jock and Jason Statham

and we've got ourselves
a heist movie.

It's Noel Fielding
and Richard Ayoade.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Jack, are you OK with
Jonathan this evening?

Yeah. Well, I did this
lovely show last year and I got...

Don't touch me.

I got in a lot of trouble last year

for some jokes that I said
on this show.

So I was like, "This evening,

"I'm going to behave and there
are going to be no Ofcom complaints.

"I am on best behaviour."

And you've put me with Jonathan Ross!

- I'm mentoring you this year...
- You're not!

That's like turning up
to an AA convention

and your sponsor's Gazza.

Like...

He's going to lead me astray!

I've got some jokes
I've written for him,

some family-friendly jokes...

- They're so awful! - He said
he's not going to do 'em

but this will keep you
out of trouble and get laughs.

Well, I'm very much looking forward
to hearing those.

Dara, Kristen, how are you?

We're great, we're fantastic.

- Kristen's just over for,
essentially, for the day.
- Yeah, sure.

And I'm so looking forward
to questions

about British politics,
British television shows...

hits in the British charts
over the last 12 months or so.

- LAUGHTER
- Yeah!

This has been a great year for me.

I became a woman.

It was really touch and go
but I think it happened.

When you say you
"became a woman"...?

Just blossomed.

LAUGHTER

OK. Richard, you look composed
and ready for this.

Yeah. It's been up and down
as a year. Erm...

Lot of sadness.

AUDIENCE: Aw-w!

Don't patronize me.

But yeah, I'm here.
I'm ready to quiz,

I'm ready to take
a sideways glance

at the events of
the previous 12 months.

LAUGHTER

I look like his legal adviser.

That's exactly it.

Could you talk me
through the outfit?

- Yeah. - I mean, because you know...

Oh, just skate over mine.

KRISTEN SHRIEKS

I didn't realise!

It's a moat.

Are you all right, Noel?

As Noel's legal adviser,

that is very dangerous.

- Where there's blame,
there's a claim.
- We're going to sue you.

Don't sue me!

I've got a dress on, look.

CHEERING

That is a hell of a look,
that's a strong look.

Nearly broke my cheekbone.

Right, Round One.

Round One is all about the
year's biggest news headlines.

Chris Huhne was jailed for getting
his wife to take speeding points.

Whilst in prison, he was subjected
to violent threats and verbal abuse.

Although, to be fair, it was
his decision to phone his family.

In August, two young women
were imprisoned in Peru

on charges of drug smuggling.

The girls, one from Northern Ireland
and one from Glasgow,

said they had been
living in terrible conditions

but now they were glad to be out

and living in a Peruvian jail.

Abu Qatada was deported
to Jordan this year.

It was the first time in history
Heathrow security had let someone
on the plane

only after assurances that
he DIDN'T pack the bag himself.

Of course, it wouldn't be a quiz
without questions.

Eyes down, everyone, Round One.
First up,

it's over to a man
who made the transition

from comedian
to revolutionary in 2013.

It's Russell Brand.

CHEERING
Hello, Jimmy Carr.

Now, would you cast your mind back
to January, this year.

Do you remember it came out
that certain lasagnes and food

and that, meat food,
had horses' innards in it?

Like, innards that had come out
of a horse,

the thing that the horse was
when it was alive,

that had become a type of food now.

Iceland, the supermarkette,

was implicated negatively
in all of that.

What did Iceland boss
Malcolm Walker say

when he was asked whether
he'd checked for horses in his food?

What did he say?

That's the question, Jimmy,
that I'm passing on to you.

Obviously you can't ask
questions directly, Jimmy.

You don't have
that degree of ability.

LAUGHTER

The claws are out.

It's remarkable.

JACK: Who's this man?

He's the head of Iceland,
Malcolm Walker.

Did he say that
the vegetarian burgers

had pantomime horse in them?

No, he didn't but it would have been
brilliant if he had.

OK, question number two,

which event prompted
BBC news reporter Simon McCoy

to say, during an outside broadcast,

"Plenty more to come from here.
Of course, none of it news".

Well, that's inappropriate.

An outside...what, an outside
the building broadcast?

He was outside a building, yeah.

What was going on inside?
What was going on?

- That's the question. - That's like the
opposite of what you want to hear.

- Could that make perfect sense?
- You're meant to listen to me.
- Just think of the question.

I'm older than you.
You're meant to listen.

- Stop bickering, you two.
- Do you know,

the last time me and Jonathan
worked together,

we did a thing where
we gave out an award.

I got a tweet from someone,

one of the most creative
bits of abuse ever,

saying, "Jonathan Ross
is like a cyborg

"sent back in time to remind
Jack Whitehall

"that he's still not funny."

LAUGHTER

Well done, trolls.

OK, next up we're going over

to one of the biggest
comedy stars in the world.

It's Steve Carell, everyone.

CHEERING
Hi, Jimmy.

Hi!

2013's been a funny old year

and one of the strangest events
occurred in February

when windows in over 4,000
buildings shattered in Russia.

But can your teams remember why?

Can they?

Oh, the geeks have got it.

- Yeah, the geeks... - What?

Nothing.

MUMBLING AND CONFERRING

Next question, why did a marriage
proposal in July

get tweeted about by Nick Clegg,

written about in
the Independent newspaper

and mentioned in the official
parliamentary records?

Wow, it got tweeted?

- Wow(!)
- LAUGHTER

- That's amazing. - That's a big deal,
yeah.

- That's a big deal, yeah.
If it gets on to Twitter...
- It's on Twitter.

And finally, it's over to
Mitchell Brook Primary School
in Neasden

who are performing
one of their unusual school plays.

Can you tell me
which news story they're acting out?

Trade, security, the economy.

I'd agree!

Ooh!

I'm telling on you.

THEY GASP

Here are all the secrets.

ALL: Yay!

ALL: Oh, no!

He is very naughty.

Don't worry, you can live in Russia.

Phew!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

That was powerful.

It was.

OK, so what news story were the kids
of Mitchell Brook Primary School

acting out, there?

Jimmy, can I introduce a little idea

to maybe make the stakes
a little bit higher

and a little bit more fun
for everyone?

It's that if Noel and Richard

fail to get in the top two
teams at the end,

that they go backstage
and switch outfits.

Yes!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's a fine idea.

I mean, we are prepared
to take the same bet, OK?

No, cos I don't want to have to wear
a cheap suit.

- AUDIENCE: O-o-o-oh! - Wow!

Dara, Kristen?

- Whoa! - I'd love to wear
Dara's outfit! - I don't like
where this is going.

OK. So everyone's up for this,
it looks like, Dara.

We were doing joke answers,

we're not doing joke answers now,
if I have to wear that dress.

How dare you!

It's a lovely dress.

I'm just saying, I'm a very...

- it just won't work on me.
- You should just...

You should have confidence
in your body.

I think if you wear it, you'll
look like a massive Quality Street.

It'll look amazing.

OK, time for some answers.

First up, Russell Brand asked you

what explanation
Malcolm Walker gave

for not detecting horse meat
in Iceland meals.

What did you all put?

Well, we wrote "Neigh,"
by which we meant he didn't,

he said he'd never eaten it.

He doesn't eat at Iceland.

- What have you got? - He said yes. - Yes!

Yes, there's horse meat

but only the best horses,

only Lipizzaners.

- Lipizzaner ponies which you
could have ridden round. - Yeah,

- no poor horses. - Yeah.

OK, that's not the exact
right answer.

We can go now to Richard.

"I check once a month
when I'm in the shower

"so I am confused."
I couldn't fit all of it in.

"..and so I'm confused.

"Why would you ask me
if I checked for horse meat?

"Because that would imply
that I was looking for it

"which would implicate me

"and so I'd probably try
and dodge that question."

That's almost, I mean,
that's almost what he said.

- Have a little look at
what he actually said. - What?!

Constantly testing, checking,
every week.

Did we test for horse?

No!

But we haven't tested
for dog or cat either.

I mean, there might be dog and cat.

You can't test for everything.
LAUGHTER

I wanted to see him
list every animal he knew then

and run out at puma.

And then you walk in the background
and he goes,

"Or crow!"

OK, so no-one got that.
Next question.

I asked you what event prompted
BBC News reporter Simon McCoy
to say,

"Plenty more to come from here.
Of course, none of it news".

This one we have got wrong.

What did you go for, Richard?

"Gang bang inside,
the whole place is going to blow."

LAUGHTER

Dara, what did you go for?

- We put down the opening
of the Old News Museum. - Yeah.

Oh!

But that's still news.

Exactly.

Jonathan?

- I don't know what Jack
was thinking, here. - The weather!

"None of it news, we've still got
more stuff to come, none of it news."

- So that is what happened next.
- You never listen to me!
- Let's take a look.

Well, plenty more to come from here.
Of course, none of it news.

Because that'll come
from Buckingham Palace

but that won't stop us.

But until then, we're going to be
speculating about this royal birth

with no facts to hand.

LAUGHTER
Back to you, Ben.

So it was the royal birth.

It was the birth,
Kate and William had George.

Was this big news in America?

Oh, yes! It was a boy named George.

And we were like, "Yay!"

And then we went back
to our sad lives.

Let's have a little
look at the royal family.

Here they are.
There's four generations.

Wow, he's got a long body.

LAUGHTER

George looks like, there,
when you pick a cat up

and its feet are stuck to the carpet
and its body goes really long.

Well, I'm not quite sure that's
what's going on but yeah, OK.

Question number three,
Steve Carell asked you

what caused windows in over 4,000
buildings to shatter in Russia,
this year.

- Did you know? - A big old meteor.

- A big old meteor caused
4,000 windows to shatter. - Oh!

OK, Noel, Richard, what did you put?

We put "asteroid or
some other space business."

- Well, that feels pretty good.
- That's pretty cool, yeah.

Jack, Jonathan?

We put "Miley Cyrus on her ball."

- I thought maybe... - The ball.
- ..the ball smashed the windows.

I've got a joke for Jack to do

which is, kind of,
more family-friendly

- than the material
he's used to doing. - OK.

Kill me now.

This is going to work for you.
Support him in this,

it could be a whole new career.

The windows shouldn't
have broken in Russia

because they had only just been...

Putin.

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

All right. So shall we have
a little look? Let's have a look.

This is the meteor in question.

What's this, the asteroid?

MUSIC PLAYS ON CAR RADIO

JACK: Good tunes.

- Wow! - All right,

I asked you why
a marriage proposal in July

got tweeted about,
written about in the Independent

and mentioned in the official
parliamentary records.

What did you get?

I thought a dog proposed to a cat

because that's a lovely story.

Dara, what did you go with?

We said it's a gay thing,

and I put two little love hearts

but actually one of them looked
like Pacman so I gave him an eye.

So we think it's,
you know, gay marriage.

And Noel, Richard, what did you get?

- Gay marriage. - Yeah.

So a point for Dara and Kristen,
a point for Noel and Richard.

It was the first gay marriage
proposal.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

The first ceremony is expected
to take place in March 2014

and the first marriage proposal
was between

Ed Fordham and Russell Eagling.

Congratulations, boys.

APPLAUSE

And finally, we saw
Mitchell Brook Primary School

performing an unusual school play.

What event were they acting out?
Did you get this?

Spy man.

What did you get, Dara?

Edward Snowden was
the spy man's name.

Although, he wasn't actually...
Yeah, it wasn't his spying.

He just opened up
the files of the spies.

- Of the NSA, yeah. - Yeah.

And people got really upset
because,

"Oh, my God, they're spying."
And you're going, "Yeah?"

People were mildly upset.

I think with the age
of YouTube and Twitter,

people were like,

"Oh, someone's watching me
all the time?!"

LAUGHTER

- "Cool."
- Make yourself actually sexy.

"Hello, NSA." Often when I step out
of the shower, I go,

"Who's watching now?"

- To no-one in particular!
- I've only got two followers

but I've always got the NSA.

Don't I, don't I?
Are you there, boys?

- I've got a joke for you
about this spy man. - Oh...

He was...they locked him
in a building

and he couldn't get out
because he was...

Snowed in!

LAUGHTER

What did you guys get,
Noel, Richard?

- We got Snowdown.
- Snowdown, fine, near enough.

Armageddon - Watership Down?

I thought I saw a rabbit

but it wasn't, it was a child.

And I thought I saw Bruce Willis.

Near enough. I think
everyone gets a point there.

Everyone gets a point.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, let's check in on the scores.

Jack and Jonathan have one point.

Count them, one.

Dara and Kristen,
and Noel and Richard

have both got three.

- CHEERING
- So that's all for Part One.

See you in a bit.

Welcome back
to the Big Fat Quiz of 2013.

This round is all about the year
in TV and movies.

Peter Capaldi was announced
as the new Doctor Who.

We all have different opinions
on who the best Doctor was,

just like we all have different
opinions on who the second worst was

after Sylvester McCoy.

Simon Cowell announced
he's going to become a father.

He's not revealed
if he's expecting a boy or a girl

or indeed a group.

Gregg Wallace allegedly punched
a man in the face at a dinner event

over claims the man
groped his girlfriend's backside.

He wasn't annoyed that the man
felt up his girlfriend,

just that he said it was soggy,

tasteless
and with a terrible texture.

Let's remind ourselves
what we were watching this year.

CHEERING

♪ Let's get ready-ready
Let's get ready-ready

♪ Let's get ready to rumble... ♪

♪ I got this feeling on
the summer day when you were gone

♪ I crashed my car into the bridge

♪ I watched, I let it burn

♪ I threw your shit into a bag
and pushed it down the stairs

♪ I crashed my car into the bridge
I don't care!

♪ I love it

♪ I don't care!

♪ I got this feeling on a summer day
when you were gone... ♪

Yes!

Ye-e-es!

♪ I don't care

♪ I love it

♪ I don't care

♪ I don't care

♪ I love it. ♪

Compensating?

APPLAUSE

OK, some big fat questions now.

For our first question, it's over
to two of my favourite teachers

from Educating Yorkshire,
Mr Mitchell and Mr Burton.

This show is so good.

ALL: Hi, Jimmy!

Now Educating Yorkshire
was full of incredible

and sometimes very moving moments.

One of the most memorable was

when Mr Burton here helped Musharaf
overcome his stammer.

But can you remember
what technique I used?

Were they mumbling?
Cos it sounded terrible.

That's a Yorkshire accent,
that's how they talk in Yorkshire.

Oh. Sorry.

They say things like tintintin.

What does that mean?

That means, "It isn't in the tin."

"Tintintin?"

"No, ti'nt in t'in."

OK so, Musharaf had a stutter
and one of the teachers helped him

to overcome it.
How did he overcome it?

It was an incredible, powerful,
wonderful moment of TV.

I cried so much when I watched that.

Oh, my God, points for you
in my mind!

I cry too much.

- Do you cry at everything?
- Everything.

I cried at an episode of
Deal Or No Deal the other day.

All this woman wanted was
to take her daughter on holiday

and then she got a blue at the end
and I just went, completely gone.

Er, spoiler alert!
I haven't seen it.

Deal Or No Deal?

It is the most amazing show ever.

Basically, this guy opens
all these boxes and in one of them

is a severed head.

You don't know which one
it's going to be in.

And then you've just got to deal
with it or not deal with it.

APPLAUSE

Next question, very simple.
What happened inside this box?

That's Mariella Frostrup, yeah?

Yeah.

It's The Book Show.

It's the other show.

Next question, in January this year,
Quentin Tarantino

had a fairly lively interview
with Channel 4 News

but what memorable phrase did
Tarantino use during the interview?

- Your handwriting, it's like
a doctor's handwriting. - I know.

"I'm slutty"?

Yeah, I am.

You look it.

OK next question, Joey Essex
was everyone's favourite
on I'm a Celebrity this year.

In the jungle, he admitted he wasn't
able to do two basic things.

What were they?
There's a point on offer for each.

- Yeah, yeah, got it. - That's a sure.

Joey Essex was on Splash last year
and he went up the high board

and he said, "Oh, I'm a bit scared
up here, mate, this is a bit scary."

And Tom Daley said, "Well,
it's like a second home to me."

He went, "You live here?"

OK, finally, it's over to my
favourite bake-off contestant,
Ruby Tandoh.

Hi, Jimmy. We all had our bake-off
disasters at one point or another

but the unluckiest of all
was poor Howard,

who managed to lose his custard.

Can your teams remember
what happened to it?

That's not a euphemism.

No, but the way Ruby said it there,
it didn't help anyone, did it?

How did he lose his custard?
Thank you, Ruby.

OK, have you all got answers?

- Yeah, we do. - OK, fabulous.

Mr Burton and Mr Mitchell
asked you how Musharaf

overcame his stammer in
Educating Yorkshire. Who got this?

We went for a gluten-free diet
and tickles.

Get out that gluten and get
your tickles, and talk straight.

- Noel, Richard? - Prolonged sarcasm.

Jack, Jonathan, what have you got?

The answer, that's what we've got.

Took his parents hostage.

What's your...? Let's have a look.

Breath, nice and loud,
nice and proud.

HE STAMMERS

One thing and it's only cos
I watched The King's Speech
quite recently.

One thing he does, right, when...
Cos it's a very similar thing to you

in that he just can't
get the words out.

One thing he does do, is he makes him
listen to some music.

- And then when he's listened to the
music, he gets him to do it again.
- OK.

- Have you got your phone with you? - No.

Right, plug it into mine
and I'll put you some awful music on.

- Right, are you ready? - Yes, sir.

- There? - OK. - Go for it.
One, two, three.

"The moment when after many years
of hard work that I owned this,

"is the same moment when the trees
unloose their soft arm

"from around you,
the birds take back their language.

"You never found us,
it was always the other way round."

Bloody hell! That's insane!

Musharaf, everyone!
It's amazing, right?

That's beautiful.

Yeah, it's really lovely.

OK, I asked you what
happened inside this box.

What did you get?

That box, it looks like Tron's shed.

What have you got answer-wise?

Water rafting
that culminates in sexy bits.

Well, we didn't specifically know
about the water rafting in there

but definitely there were sexy bits.
Dara?

- People doing sex. - People doing sex.

- Inside the box? - In the box.
- No, hold on.

- It was Mo Farah. - You saw...

Mo Farah completed it.

Mo Farah was in there, you saw him.

I've realised,
I was thinking of The Cube.

This is a different show
but I bet, if Mo Farah did this show,

he'd nail it as well.

That was the box from Channel 4's
Sex Box. Let's have a look.

In a few minutes,
a couple will enter this box.

They'll have sex and then
immediately afterwards come out

and talk frankly
about what they did,

to me, a panel of
internationally renowned sex experts

and in front of our studio audience.

Welcome to Sex Box.

How do they know they really did it?

They could just,
"Yeah, we did it and whoo!"

And, you know, they were just
sitting in the box just, like,

"OK, let's go."

OK, next up, I asked you
what memorable phrase

Quentin Tarantino used
when he didn't like

- one of Christian Guru-Murthy's
questions on Channel 4 News.
Did you get this? - Yes.

He said, "I don't have to answer
that, you're not my mummy."

I can tell you that's not right.
Dara, Kristen?

It may look like I've written
I'm shatting your ass down.

But that is just merely
bad handwriting on my part.

- I'm shutting your ass down.
- Noel, Richard, what did you put?

- He said, "I'm shutting your
butt down." - Let's have a look.

So you don't want to
talk about anything serious?

I don't want to talk about
what you want to talk about.

I don't want to talk
about the implications of violence.

I haven't wanted, because the reason
I don't want to talk about it,

because I've said everything
I have to say about it.

If anyone cares what I have to
say about it, they can Google me

and they can look for 20 years
what I have to say.

I haven't changed my id...
my choice, my opinion one iota.

No, but you haven't,
you haven't fleshed it out.

- That's the only reason...
- It's not my job to flesh it out.

No, it's my job to try
and ask you to.

And I'm shutting your butt down.

So, Dara, Kristen, you get points.
Noel, Richard, you get points.

- Jonathan, Jack, you get none there.
- Unfair.

OK, next I asked you what two basic
things Joey Essex revealed

he couldn't do on I'm a Celebrity.
Did you know?

Croquet and crochet.

They're very hard to do at
the same time.

And he gets confused between them
so whenever he tries to do crochet,

he does it with a mallet.

Dara, Kristen?

To read and write.

Is that right?!

It's weirder than that.

OK, Noel, Richard,
what did you go for?

Make decisions and oscillate.

LAUGHTER

Ah... I... Let's have a look.

Don't do it.
Pick your nose if you have to.

I can't blow my nose.

Can't you? Why?

Never learnt how to do it.

You just blow, like -
hold your mouth and blow.

I can't do it, I can't go like that.
So I have to go like that.

Things that you don't really need
to know, I don't really know.

This sounds so stupid.

Yeah, I learnt to do my laces
and stuff because that's...

I needed to tie my laces up
for the rest of my life

but blowing your nose, you don't
have to do it the professional way.

You can just do it the Joey way.

15, 30, 30 minutes past nine.

I can tell the time on
the digital ones, can't tell it

on an actual like round one
what goes like that.

You know, I retract any
feeling that we were harsh.

Yeah.

This is the best TV you've got?

This and sex in a box?

Can I just say really,
this is really pernickety

and so annoying and I do want
to come back to it but if you do

play croquet, you do have to go
clockwise playing, so technically

not knowing how to tell the time,
he wouldn't be able to play croquet.

If you went anti-clockwise,
you'd be disqualified
and you'd lose the game.

The idea he can't blow his nose
is the really...

Like, he can't do
it like a professional.

That was the amazing bit,
like a pro.

I can't do it like a pro,
you know these pro guys.

They're good.

I book them
for children's parties all the time.

They come in and they do...

..across the room. Amazing!

Finally, Ruby from Bake-Off asked
you what happened
to Howard's custard.

Did anyone remember?

He piped it into Paul Hollywood's
soggy bottom.

Is that allowed?

That's just a bit of silly
Radio 4 slap and tickle.

What have you got Noel, Richard?

He just forgot where it was.

That is almost
the definition of losing it.

Yeah, to be honest.

- Seems reasonable. - Dara, Kristen?

I think somebody stole it,

somebody used his custard
in their trifle.

OK - it was Deborah,
we're going to show it now.

If you're of a sensitive disposition
it might be an idea to look away.

Where's my custard? Oh, no!

I'm so sorry, Howard.

What's happened?

I used Howard's custard by error.

They were both in the same fridge
and I forgot what my bowl was,

and I used his.

I haven't used it all
but I am really upset.

Howard, this is... this is like...
it's like a recurring nightmare.

So now you've taken
possession of Deborah's custard?

- Yes. - And his own,
and I'm really sorry.

I've got some of my own.

Jerry! Jerry!

LAUGHTER

More English TV gold there for you.

Argh!

Wow, "Someone used my custard!"

- "Oh, I'm really upset!"
- Fucking hell, Jimmy!

But she didn't use it all, did she?
There was a bit left.

But he still had to go
and make more.

Oh, fucking hell, no!

Yeah, how did he cope?

He's in a kitchen so there can't
have been any more custard there.

How many times
have you made custard?

- Oh! - It's really hard.

I buy it. You can get it in cartons.

OK, time now for
a special bonus round about movies.

I'll show you pictures from three
of the biggest movies of the year

which have all been subtly improved.

All you've got to do is
tell me the names of the films, OK?

Ready for this?
Here's your first one.

LAUGHTER

I think Jimmy looks brilliant.

Yeah, that's a better haircut
than what you've got now.

AUDIENCE BOOS

I like your hair now... Oh, boo-boo.

- OK, next one. - Oh, my...

Any hurtful comments?

That's just a normal picture of
Jimmy at home in his onesie,
that is.

I like that haircut, too, on you.

Thank you very much.
OK, and the third one?

That's quite good hair.

That image made my orbs
fizz slightly.

Your orbs?

What I'm saying, Jimmy,

is if I was drunk in Camden,
I would get off with you.

You look like you're coming
out of a gorilla's vagina.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

A tiara would not develop
in a gorilla's womb.

There's not the pressure
to create that kind of rock.

OK, let's have a look
and see what you've got.

Star Trek, Behind The Candelabra
and Great Gatsby.

- OK, Dara?
- We've got that although I think

we've misspelt, we've written

Behind the Candlebra,

a very different film.

Behind the Candelbra's pretty
acceptable, I think,

and what have you gone for,
Noel and Richard?

Star Trek 2, Liberace Behind
The Candelabra, The Great Gatsby.

Well you're all three for three.

It was, of course,
Mr Spock in Star Trek,

Michael Douglas
in Behind the Candelabra

and I was Carey Mulligan in
The Great Gatsby.

APPLAUSE

Let's see
what that's done to the scores.

OK, Jack and Jonathan
have 4 points.

Noel and Richard have 8.

In the lead,

Kristen and Dara with 9 points!

CHEERING

Now, in a last-ditch attempt

to inject some life into the British
economy, here are some ads.

I wonder if there's any sales on.

CHEERING

Welcome back to the
Big Fat Quiz of the year.

This round is all about the year
in music.

David Bowie surprised everyone
by releasing his first album

in ten years. His previous album was
released on something called a CD,

and you got it from a place
called a record shop

which was a building
you actually had to go to

and you had to pay for it.
It was rubbish.

The Spice Girls' musical Viva For
Ever closed after just six months.

The problem was the casting.

Turns out it's quite hard to find
actresses who can't sing or dance.

AUDIENCE GROAN

Kill Jimmy! Kill Jimmy! Kill Jimmy!
Kill Jimmy! Kill Jimmy!

Thank you for your support.

We're hoping that'll catch on as
a kind of nationwide catch phrase.

Bonnie Tyler represented the UK in
this year's Eurovision song contest.

Bonnie wrote the song in Wales,
recorded it in Nashville

and fucked it up in Sweden.

Right, time for some more questions.

First it's over to X Factor judge
and pop impresario, Louis Walsh.

Hi, Jimmy, how are you?

Now I know what it's like to be
in the glare of the public eye,

just like celebrity super-couple
Kim Kardashian and Kanye West.

They had a baby daughter in June
and everyone wanted to know

what they would call her.

Can your teams remember what it was?

- Oh, yeah, yeah.
- OK, so we all know this.

- Noel, try and get some valuable
points in. - Look at Brucie.

I love that song.

Don't you know that Kanye West song
Bound 2, it's kind of...

It's like the most mental song ever
and it's kind of genius.

- # I....
- Uh!

♪ Uh-huh, honey!

♪ I...

♪ I know it's hard to be in love... ♪

It's like all that.

We should do it.

She's lying on the thing...

- Yeah. Oh, yeah, when...
- Don't do it. Don't do it!

I'll be on the motorcycle!
I'm on the motorcycle

She's really...
No, no she's not that into it.

Bring out the bump!

- Dara is the a motorcycle.
- He is the motorcycle.

- The motorcycle? - Yeah.

And then he's going... What's
he going?

♪ I know... ♪

DARA REVS LIKE A MOTORCYCLE

♪ Nobody to love

♪ Nobody... ♪

Is it on, the motorcycle?
Is it going?

♪ Uh-huh... ♪

OK, if you could just come out

and talk frankly about
what you've just done.

Next up, which controversial chart
topper has been banned

in 20 UK universities, led to an
American dance coach being fired

and a law suit with Marvin Gaye?

Who was responsible for all
of that this year?

Is that? Do you think that's right?

Bang in the middle of songs.

Cos he, a lot of people... Yeah.

- That could be right. - They don't know
what's what, but I do.

OK, next question - Beyonce got into
trouble for not doing something

at Barack Obama's inauguration.
Can you remember what it was?

Yeah.

The answer can't just be,
"Yes, I can remember."

You've got to write down
what it was.

You've incorrectly framed
the question. So I claim my point.

During the chart rundown,
on April 14th,

BBC radio refused to play
the number two single in full.

Can you tell me why?

Oh!

Yes. OK.

You're sure?

Finally it's over to the Channel 4
newsroom where Jon Snow

has a special bulletin about one of
this year's biggest hits.

Over to you, Jon.

An American building contractor is
facing legal action

after it emerged that she
inadvertently demolished a residence

whilst trying to gain entry.

She issued an apology to the home
owner insisting

"I never meant to start a war,
I just wanted you to let me in,"

and adding that she just closed her
eyes and swung.

This is not the first time the
woman's professional conduct

has been called into question as she
was previously found licking tools

and operating heavy machinery while
fully nude.

Jon Snow there, God bless him.

OK, so what hit song was Jon
reporting on?

Yes. Yes.

What's the song called again?

Wrecking balls.

Well, that's very much
the question, Jack.

OK, all right.
First up, Louis Walsh asked you

what Kim and Kanye called
their baby. Did you know?

Fred West.

It's a lovely name.

Dara, Kristen?

It's North.

And Noel, Richard?

North By North West.

That's the full name.

So his middle name is By North West?

- Yeah. - No, By North.
West is its last name.

It's no more ridiculous than
the actual name, is it?

No. It's a fabulous name.

Yes, they did christen
their child North,

so no points for you,
Jack and Jonathan,

but everyone else gets one.

OK. Next I asked you which
controversial chart-topper

has been banned in 20 universities,

led to an American dance coach
being fired

and a law suit with Marvin Gaye.
Did you get it?

Aled Jones.

A lot of people see Aled on TV
and they think, "There he is,

"face of an angel, voice of an
angel," but behind closed doors

he is absolutely bonkers.

Kristen, Dara?

- Yeah. - What have you gone for?

We've gone for creepy Robin Thicke.

- Creepy? - Creepy Robin Thicke.

- Why Creepy?
- He's just creepy. Look at him.

You'd clean him with a wire brush.

He's filthy, dirty, sleazy,
get out of here. He's horrible.

I've really taken against him.
I really have gone against him.

I'm OK with him. I mean
the lyrics are a bit date-rapey...

"I know you want it,
I know you want it.

"I know you're saying
one thing, but I know."

Yeah, you're a tart.

Those may not be
the actual lyrics, but the...

What's the song called?
No Means Yes?

It might as well be, Noel.

It's called Blurred Lines
but basically the content,

the idea is, "What was that, no?

"Oh, yeah, whatever."

No is such an ambiguous word,
though, isn't it?

What does it mean?

It's a nightmare for me,
cos my name sounds like Noel.

No.

North By North West,
let's carry on now.

It's very ambiguous

when someone says, "I don't want
you to have sex with me."

What do they mean by that?

Like, are they teasing?

I just don't know where you
stand these days.

Let's have a quick look
at Robin Thicke's Blurred Lines.

♪ I know you want it

♪ I know you want it

♪ I know you want it

♪ You're a good girl

♪ Can't let it get past me

♪ You're far from plastic

♪ Talk about getting blasted

♪ I hate these blurred lines... ♪

What a prick.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

- He's just an idiot, though.
- Yes, he's just an idiot.

I don't think he even knows
what it means.

He's just a fucking idiot.

I did a show where I sat next to him.

I mean, his legs were, like,
so thrust apart

and the big bulging crotch
was in your face

and it was just all so unnecessary.

Oh, you know you want it!

The show I was on was
Alan Carr Chatty Man,

which is actually a great show.

Don't know if anyone has seen it,
so...tune in.

He does great interviews.

Yeah, but he mainly gets B-listers.

Next up I asked you what Beyonce
didn't do at Obama's inauguration.

- Did you know? - Yes.

We believe she didn't sing,
she mimed there,

and I'm saying she didn't sing,
but apparently it wasn't actually

Beyonce because Beyonce couldn't
make it so they had to send...

Beyons B.

I like that one, that worked.

Dara, Kristen?

Well, I, I think...
She lip-synched, she didn't sing.

- Noel, Richard, what did you get?
- Miming, singing.

Miming, singing. That's the right
answer, everyone gets a point.

I asked you why BBC Radio refused
to play the number two single

in full on April 14th.
Did you know?

Cos it was shit.

Such an angry young man.

Dara, Kristen?

Thatcher had just died and it was
Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead,

and they said they'd play an excerpt
of it and explain why it was

in the charts rather than making
everyone listen to the entire thing,

which is very fair cos actually once
you've got the gag, you doze off.

♪ Ding dong the witch is dead! ♪

Cos it goes on for three minutes
of that, like, "I get the joke!"

♪ Do-do-do! The witch is dead! ♪

Richard, you got this?

♪ Ding dong the witch is dead! ♪

It was Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead,
from the Wizard of Oz,

which reappeared in the charts
following Margaret Thatcher's death.

Jon Snow reported on one of
the biggest hits of the year.

Did you know what it was?

- Yes. - Miley Cyrus.

And the song was?

- Look at Me.
- But she's on the Wrecking Ball.

- Noel, Richard, you got this? - Yeah.

- Kristen, Dara? - Wrecking Ball.
- Wrecking Ball by Mi.

By Miwey Cywus.

By Miwey Cywus.

And her sexy face.

Why do people think she's being,

"Oh, she's awful,
she's all gone sexual."

There's nothing sexual
about somebody going...

- Just wagging their... - Hold it,
do that again with your tongue

cos you look a bit like her.

Look, if we give you the hairstyle,
get your tongue out. Look at that.

Let's have a look at Miley Cyrus.

♪ Wrecking ball

♪ I never hit so hard in love

♪ All I wanted was to break your
walls

♪ All you ever did was wreck me... ♪

I met Miley Cyrus on a show,
actually.

I was doing Graham Norton on the...

That's a good show, isn't it, Jack?

It's a great show,
and she was actually very nice.

It was back when she was
in the Disney days.

She's quite A-list.

OK. All right.
Time for a very special guest

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome
the new landlord

of the Queen Vic,
it's Danny Dyer, everyone.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

It's Danny Dyer,

or should I say Mick Carter. You're
the new landlord of the Queen Vic.

Yeah, yeah.

How do you think
you're going to die?

Cos in EastEnders, everyone,
they either get run over

or there's a gas explosion
or occasionally shot.

If you had to put a bet on now...

No, no, I want to do an Ian Beale,
that's me now, I'm done.

I'm fucking... I'm going to stay,
a 20-stretch, you know what I mean?

A 20-stretch?

Very few actors talk about jobs
in terms of...

I bet very few prisoners
are impressed by,

"Where did you do your 20-stretch?"
"In EastEnders."

How was your Christmas, Danny?

Did you have a couple of jars
and get off your fucking nut?

Nice bit of goose, that was nice.

Bit of goose, that's Cockney
rhyming slang for slag.

It is! Shut up! Goosy rag, slag.

- It's not. - It is!

How was your year?

Good. Did a film called Vendetta,
it's out now.

Come out on the 23rd.

It's a strong piece of work.
Jack, you've seen it.

Very good, came out on the 23rd,
closed on the 25th. Brilliant.

It didn't. It is really good.
It's violent, though, innit?

- It's very violent, yes.
- Very scary.

Hold it, Jack's trying to get a bit
tough. "It's violent, innit?"

A minute ago he was talking
about croquet rules.

Come on, question time.
You've got a question for us.

You're the new landlord of the Queen
Vic. It's a suitable question.

All right. Fuck sake!

I'm the new landlord
of the Queen Vic.

- I've just said that.
- That's what I'm saying.

Danny, are you wearing leggings
or are they...?

Have we caught you in the middle
of a Shakespeare play?

Fucking hell, what's the fucking...

Can you pirouette, can you
make it like ballet?

You look like you're in panto,
that's all.

Can I fucking read this or what?
Fuck sake!

I wanna fuck off!

The second half of the Nutcracker
starts soon. You gotta go.

I think they're called jeggings.

That is a blurred line right there.

Because they're quite feminine,
if you want to see how a real man

should dress, Noel,
stand up and show him.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I must be the only person
in here who's thinking,

"His jeans are a bit baggy."

Come on, Danny, question.

Right, I'm the new landlord
of the Queen Vic.

We know!

Bonnie Langford called,
she wants her top back.

Are you going to read this out?
Let's do it.

It's not as easy as it looks.

It's a fuck, it's a
right poxy question and all.

Let me get this straight, you're
the landlord at the Queen Vic.

Go on.

I'm still with you, just...

Yes, we're listening.

Right this year Wetherspoons
announced they're opening a new pub

in a questionable location.
Can you remember where?

I couldn't give one fuck
at this point!

OK, so you all write something down.

So Wetherspoons are opening
a pub in a questionable location.

How long have you been
on the show now?

- How long have you been filming
EastEnders? - Couple of months.

- Is it hard work? - I'm fucked,
to be honest. Fucking shattered.

- You need this like
a hole in the head? - Yeah.

OK, Jack and Jonathan,
what have you got?

We don't know for sure. Albert
Square, next to the Queen Vic.

- And then we drew a little picture
of Danny. - Of the landlord.

OK, what have you got,
Dara and Kristen?

Kristen thought maybe somewhere
in or on the river,

but we also drew a little picture
of Danny.

OK, and Noel, Richard,
what did you put?

Drainpipe Village.

They actually opened a pub
called the Hope and Champion

at the services on the M40.

Right, mind how you go,
see youse later!

Danny Dyer, ladies and gentlemen.

Danny Dyer, everyone. Danny Dyer.

Give him a round of applause.
Danny Dyer.

Right, let's have a look and see
what that's done to the scores.

Jack and Jonathan have got 6,
Dara and Kristen have 14,

Noel and Richard have 13.

We're off for a quick break.
See you in two.

Welcome back to
the Big Fat Quiz 2013.

This round is
all about the year in sport.

Cyclist Lance Armstrong confessed
all on Oprah about his drug use.

Oprah said Armstrong
was emotional and intense.

Well, that's drugs for you.

As well as confessing
to taking drugs,

the cyclist also admitted peddling.

Andy Murray stormed to victory
at Wimbledon in July.

It was 77 years since the last
Englishman won Wimbledon -

Fred Perry, who had to beat
Ben Sherman, Ted Baker

and Ron Superdry along the way.

I'm not saying Andy Murray is dour
but he took his victory champagne

and put it in the fridge to save
for a special occasion.

OK, time for some questions.

First one - in July this year,

Andy Murray stormed to victory
at Wimbledon,

but what teenage behaviour
were Hollywood actors

Gerard Butler and Bradley Cooper
caught doing at the final?

You should write some jokes for him.

- Yeah!
- His speeches are always like -

SLOWLY: "It was a really
tough match."

Ah, he's like Superman,
and he goes -

"Oh, it's really difficult."

Write a joke for him, Jimmy,
you selfish fuck.

He's a lovely fellow. He's dropped
into Mock the Week twice,

done things with Sport Relief for us.

He's great, he laughs at himself.
Lovely fella. Everything's always...

What, are you going out with him?
Why don't you marry him?

You can now.

- From March, I can.
- Where did you watch the match from?

I watched the match
from inside his tennis bag.

He didn't know I was there.
It was brilliant.

I was in there amongst
the sweat bands and his old pants.

Handing him bananas.

Handing him Lucozade. He loved it.

"It was a really tough match."

It's a very good Andy Murray.
OK, next question.

How did the normally genteel Oxford
and Cambridge boat race

land the BBC in trouble
with Ofcom this year?

- Have you seen the Oxford/Cambridge
boat race, Kristen? - Never.

Wait! I did!

I saw it on Social Network.

- Yes! - Yes, you're right.
- It was in The Social Network.

Well, it's a real thing. How did
they get into trouble with the BBC?

They showed coverage of that
and they got into trouble.

Lots of the things in the film
The Social Network are real things.

Nobody thinks they invented like
rowing for the sake of the film,

The Social Network, and then ever
since that film come out...

It's not like Americans
watching it thinking,

"That's like quidditch.
It doesn't really happen."

Next, it's over to the chirpiest
man in pop, Olly Murs.

Hi, Jimmy. Olly Murs here.

Now, when I'm not in the studio
making records,

I'm no stranger
to the football pitch,

but can your teams tell me what
was unusual about the new signing

to Doncaster Rovers reserve team
this year?

So, Kristen, very much a question
for you there -

Doncaster Rovers,

what was unusual about
their signing? Come on...!

This must've been big news
in America.

It was big news in America.

OK, so over to Christine Ohuruogu
for our next question.

Hi, Jimmy.
Now I've had a pretty good 2013.

I won a gold medal at the world
championships for the second time

and I was named Athlete Of The Year
for a third time.

It was also a big year
for David Beckham

who signed for Paris Saint-Germain
in January,

his last club before retiring.

But can your teams tell me what he
immediately did with all the money?

OK.

- Oh, did you know that?
- Yeah. - Oh, wow!

- Dara knows a lot of stuff.
- He really does.

Yeah, but Beckham -
what an achievement.

He doesn't look like it,
but he knows stuff.

Do you know what I'd do
if I was David Beckham

and I had all that money
and international fame?

First thing I'd do?

I would go up to those people
that do the caricatures

in Leicester Square
and just buy the one of myself.

Because, you know how they always
have a David Beckham there,

ready to go, as an example?

How sweet would that be!

Everyone else is queuing,
takes ages to get drawn.

You're David Beckham, just turn up,
yeah - one off the shelf,

and off I go.

With ALL your money?

I like David Beckham -
he was on my show with Will Ferrell.

Couple of fucking A-listers
there for you.

He came on your show then,
but two weeks prior to that,

I definitely saw him on
The Alan Titchmarsh Show.

He's seeing other hosts.

OK, let's get some answers.

First up, I asked you what teenage
behaviour

Gerard Butler and Bradley Cooper

were caught doing during
the Wimbledon final.

They blanked Jonathan Ross.

Jonathan was there at the final
trying to be friends

saying, "Come on my show?"
And they were, like, "Fuck off!"

They were. You were both there
at that time.

- I was there with Jimmy.
- Yeah.

- We actually saw them. - You were trying
to flirt with them,

"Oh, I'd love to have you on,
Bradley."

And they were, like, "I'm afraid
we're booked for Loose Women."

Dara, Kristen?

- They were jumping about
and high-fiving... - Break dancing?

They brought lino and they spun
on their heads.

They...they were high-fiving
each other.

- No! - OK, Noel, Richard?

Necking and texting and giving
each other Eskimo kisses.

- Eskimo kisses? - Yes, with the nose,
and all that. - Could you and Noel...?

- Yeah, we could but we'd just...
We'd rather... - I would have done it.

Such a slut!

JACK: I'll give you one.

We'd rather have sex in a box.
No-one wants to see that.

The answer was...

The answer was they were spotted
actually taking a selfie.

Taking a little selfie there
of themselves.

- Yeah. - Just taking a selfie to send
to Paul O'Grady

saying, "Please let me
on your show, otherwise..."

OK, I asked you how the boat race

landed the BBC in trouble
with Ofcom. What did you put?

We put "no oars".

They were doing it like when
you're in the bath

and you can't get
the hot water down...

OK, Dara, Kristen?

I didn't know, I thought nip slips.

Oh, that's... Oh, what's that?!

Too many nipples!
The children!

Every stroke, do-ing!

Little singlets moving to the side.

Worse than nip slips,
is if your COX slips out.

I mean, very much
a rowing-based joke!

And you said swearing, as well.
Noel and Richard?

- Er, cox did a swear. - Yeah, there
was a little bit of swearing.

Oskar Zorrilla, the Oxford cox,
swore all the way through.

Yeah, but he's the cox,
it's like...

It doesn't matter what he says.

If Clare Balding said, "It's time
for the fucking boat race."

Then you could complain,
but he's the cox.

Next up, Olly Murs asked you what
was unusual about Doncaster Rovers'

new reserve signing.
Did you get it?

He is a she.

Well, I think Dara got it.

Yeah, it's a member of...I think
it's One Direction.

I can't be...
But it's one of those bands.

So our answer is still valid -
he is a she.

- Noel, Richard?
- One Direction. - That's right.

The answer is Louie Tomlinson
from One Direction -

- he's the new reserve signing
for Doncaster Rovers. - Wow.

- There he is.
- He's the one on the right, yeah.

OK, next up, Christine Ohuruogu
asked you what David Beckham did

with all his wages when he signed
for Paris Saint-Germain. Any ideas?

- Over to Jonathan.
- I think he was going to a market

and he exchanged the money
for some magic beans.

And Victoria was furious.
She threw the beans out the window.

And overnight,
a giant beanstalk grew,

and young David went up
the beanstalk.

He was very brave,
but he was also scared

because a giant was living
at the top of it.

"Fee-fi-fo-fum, I smell...
I smell a range of colognes!"

OK, Dara, Kristen?

He gave his money
to children's charities.

- OK, Noel?
- He bought new shin pads.

No, "charity" we put.

Look, at the start,

- charity, charity.
- Or a flat screened 3D-enabled TV.

I can see the charity there,
so the answer was

David Beckham gave all his wages
to a French children's charity.

Bet he's regretting that now
he's got to support

a wife and four kids on his pension.

And now, for a bonus question,
it's over to the Big Fat Quiz's

masterpiece theatre,
where actor Charles Dance

is reading from a celebrity
biography published this year.

Chapter Five.

I sometimes have to pinch myself
when I think of what I'm doing

and how lucky I am.

Not long ago, I was out and
Steven Gerrard, the England player,

came up to me and shook my hand
and was, like,

"I love the show, I always watch it."

I nearly choked on my vodka.
I couldn't believe it.

It was crazy,
and I was, like, W-T-F!

We had some banter
and I couldn't get my head round it.

My legs were like jelly. Lol!

Like the time I got invited
to Jamelia's birthday party at Maveda

and swapped numbers with Pixie Lott!

The most starstruck I've ever been

is when I sort of met Beyonce
at her perfume launch.

I love Beyonce, but unfortunately,
she had a load of security round her

so I had to just look at her.

Sad face.

Then there was that time I was
late for the Twilight premiere and

ended up on the red carpet next to
Taylor Lautner and Robert Pattinson.

I fancy the pair of them!

I definitely wouldn't say no, and I
couldn't believe it was happening

and that I was actually next to them.

It was brilliant!
Hashtag - the good times.

Charles Dance there!

Very good, OK...

So what celebrity autobiography
was that from?

Have you all got something?

OK, so, Jack, you've gone for...?

- He went for...
- Baroness Trumpington of Sandwich.

No, almost the opposite of that.
Dara and Kristen?

We've gone for legendary cleric
Bishop Desmond Tutu.

It's the text speak
that gave it away.

Noel? Richard?

We put his own autobiography.

It might be a double bluff.

He didn't seem to even be
looking at the book.

It was like he'd lived it.

It was, he was reading
by candlelight.

It was like Cyrano de Bergerac -

there's no way he could have been
reading the words.

- That didn't even look like the book.
- No. - It was leatherbound.

That was something out of a jumble
sale the props department bought.

The whole thing's a fucking sham.

Let's go back and see.

That was an extract from Secrets
Of An Essex Girl, by Lauren Goodger.

Amaze!

I actually don't know who that is.

- She's in The Only Way Is Essex.
- Ah, right.

Let's see what that's done
to the scores -

OK, so Jack and Jonathan
have six points,

Noel and Richard have 16,

Dara and Kristen in the lead
with 17 points at this stage.

Going for a quick break,
see you in three.

Welcome back to the Big Fat Quiz.

This round is all about the people
who made this year memorable.

Tommy Robinson quit as head
of the EDL, which is a shame as

I was just thinking about switching
my gas and electric to them.

He quit because he said there were
too many far-right extremists,

which is a bit like giving up Grindr
because you keep meeting gay men.

17-year-old Paris Brown
resigned from being Britain's

first youth police
and crime commissioner

after tweeting about taking drugs,
having sex and getting drunk.

She's now head of the Co-op Bank.

- OK, ready for more questions?
- Yes. - Straight over to

the walking encyclopaedia
from Pointless, Richard Osman.

Hi, Jimmy. Hi, everyone.
Hope you're having a good time.

Now, it's a fairly well-known
TV fact that because I'm Richard

out of Pointless,
I never get anything wrong.

However, this year the Vatican
did get something wrong.

They had to recall 6,000 coins
they'd issued to commemorate

the inauguration of Pope Francis.

Why did they have to recall them?

Can your teams remember the fairly
major mistake that they made?

OK, so the coins to commemorate
the inauguration of Pope Francis

had something wrong with them.
What was it?

Next question. Justin Bieber
had a hell of a year.

He punched a photographer,
he had his tour bus raided,

was allegedly filmed leaving
a brothel in South America,

even had his pet monkey confiscated
by German authorities.

But how did a visit to Amsterdam
prove particularly controversial?

Got into all the papers,
a big story.

Yeah, but that doesn't mean
we were obliged to read it.

I think you'll like this one.

Be that as it may.

OK. I think you know this.

I don't believe I do.

Did you say I don't "Bielebe" I do?
You did say that.

- You did. - Shoot me in the head now.
- Subconsciously, you're a Bieleber.

We should write that down.
"I don't Bielebe it."

- And that could be a new
catchphrase. - I don't Bielebe it!

Kill Jimmy, kill Jimmy, kill Jimmy.

Yay. OK, next question. I'm very
excited to say we're going over

to the one, the only Will Ferrell.

Hi, Jimmy.

Now, as you know, former president
George W Bush has given me

a lot of great material
over the years.

But even I felt a pang of sympathy

for him when his e-mails
were hacked this year.

The leaks revealed he'd taken up
an extraordinary new hobby.

Can your teams tell me what it was?

- No, that's wrong. - It's correct.

- It's not only wrong, it's probably
libellous. - It's not.

I do the politics questions,
you do the silly Justin Bieber ones.

That's how we work, as a dynamic.

OK, next question.

MEP Godfrey Bloom
caused embarrassment for UKIP

this year after a string
of high-profile gaffes.

Can you name one of his gaffes?

What did you do? Oh, yeah!

Final question. Dame Helen Mirren
hit the headlines for

doing something rather unexpected
while dressed as the Queen.

What was it?

Oh, yeah.

That is not what happened.

Yeah, it could be.

I would do that.

She would have woken up.

OK, has everyone got something?
We'll go for answers.

First up, Richard Osman
asked you what mishap befell

the set of commemorative coins
produced for Pope Francis this year.

- Did you know? - Yes.

They were chocolate coins.

OK, Dara, Kristen?

I thought the worse thing that
you could give them would be

melted down wiccan nickels.

A wiccan nickel?

Yeah, melted down into the
pope's commemorative coin.

So, a witch's...

Oh, my God, can I just say,

that photo looks like
Baby George all grown up.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

That is weird.

From the background,
is he going through a Stargate?

OK, Richard and Noel?

They had condoms on them.

All the coins...

- Had condoms on them.
- So no-one got that.

I can tell you the answer,
the answer was 6,000 coins

had to be recalled because they said
"Lesus" instead of "Jesus."

Is Lesus the Lizard Jesus?

The Lizard Jesus, yeah.

Next up, I asked you what
Justin Bieber did in Amsterdam

that proved particularly
controversial. Did anyone know?

Well, Jonathan's
just put "Anne Frank."

The question was, what did he do?

We need to elaborate there.

He went to the Anne Frank Museum
and he signed in the book saying,

"I think Anne Frank
would be a Bieleber."

No, no, no. Please give poor
Justin Bieleber a chance. He said,

"I do hope she might... I wonder
if she might have been a Bieleber."

Which is not necessarily a bad thing
to wonder, especially if,

as he probably was, you're off
your fucking tits on marijuana.

A friend of mine went to Amsterdam
and took some magic mushrooms and

went to the Anne Frank Museum and
thought it was like an interactive

thing where it was like
Where's Wally?

And ended up trying to rip off one
of the radiators, cos he thought

he heard someone behind it, but it's
not embarrassing, because as I say,

it happened to a friend of mine.

- Kristen, Kristen, do you know
this one? - I do know, yeah.

It's just like Jonathan said,

he said Anne Frank
would love him, you know.

He thinks Anne Frank
would have loved him

and I think that's really beautiful,
and for people who are, like,

"That's so gross." It's like how do
they know what she would have loved?

Like, she'd be like
a Bright Eyes fan or something?

Well, it's a fine and complete
answer. Noel and Richard?

Anne Frank stuff.

That is good enough from you.
What happened was

he visited Anne Frank's house
and wrote in the guest book,

"Truly inspiring
to be able to come here,

"Anne was a great girl, hopefully
she would have been a Bieleber".

- That's fine. That's fine.
- Also, come on, he was, like, 16.

If my son, when he was 16,
went to Amsterdam and I found out

he'd gone to the Anne Frank Museum,
I'd be fucking amazed.

There's a lot else
to do in Amsterdam.

It's a good point.

That's the most proud
I've been to be British this year

because, like, last year we had the
Olympics, we had the royal wedding,

like, national pride was
at an all-time high and I thought

we were never
going to get that again.

And then in February,
Justin Bieber came to this island

and within four days,
we broke the fucker.

Proud of ourselves.

YOU should be proud of yourselves.

And next up, Will Ferrell asked
you what extraordinary hobby

George W Bush was revealed
to have taken up. Anyone get it?

- Yup. - He wrote the wrong thing.

Stalking. And then I put "Dash, deer
not women," because he's a hunter.

He likes hunting,
so it's... He was stalking deer.

- It's a practice where you follow
deer around. - That's not the answer.

- You could not be more wrong.
- He paints portraits of himself

and of dogs and he's actually
not that bad. And I just wish

he would have believed in himself
and had enough confidence

to become an artist before he got
into his presidential phase.

If he'd only really
given it a go, you know?

Same as Hitler, to a certain extent.

If he'd just stuck
with the painting...

How much damage
could he have done, you know?

He painted portraits of himself
in the bath, didn't he? The bathroom?

That's very specific. Let's have
a look at some of the paintings.

That's all right.
It's a pretty good dog.

I mean, that's a grown man that was
the most powerful man in the world

that did that, so well done.

- NOEL: Yeah! That's pretty fucking
cool, that one. - That's all right.

This one's better.
This next one, look at that.

Who's that in the mirror?

Chris Huhne in prison.

OK, next up, I asked you

if you could name one of
Godfrey Bloom's gaffes this year.

How did you get on?

Was he the one who called those
break-out meetings at UKIP's party,

he referred to women as sluts?

That is one of the things he did.
Jack, Jonathan?

He's the Bonga-Bonga man,
as well, isn't he?

He's the one who talked about
sending people to Bonga-Bonga land

and we've put "Slutgate", because
we popularised it in that way.

OK. Noel, Richard?

We put, he said something
that wasn't racist.

But we put Bongoland in the corner.

Presumably the one you have,
the one you have is when he hit

- somebody with a catalogue? - Yeah.

He hit a Channel 4 reporter
with a brochure, party brochure.

Somebody pointed out that,

"There are no black faces on
your montage of UKIP supporters."

So he thought about it for a second

and weighed up the pros
and cons...and just hit him.

He hit him over the head
and called him a racist.

Let's have a look.

Mr Bloom, what do you make
of the front cover of this,

your, the conference brochure
with no black faces on it?

What a racist comment is that.
How dare you!

That's an appalling thing to say.

You're picking people out
for the colour of their skin.

You disgust me, get out of the way.

What's appalling
about making that point?

Racist. You, sir, are a racist.

Why am I a racist, for saying
there aren't any black people?

You tell me this and you've checked
out the colour of people's faces.

Disgraceful, disgraceful.

Now that's good TV!

That reminds me so much
of my dad, when he found out

that our local newsagents
was stocking the Guardian.

You bastards!

He also said British aid shouldn't
be sent to Bongo-Bongo land.

But you know what? He is right,
because if we're sending aid

to Bongo-Bongo land, that's wrong,
because it doesn't fucking exist.

It's where they make Um Bongo.

Final answer, final answer.

I asked you what unexpected thing
Helen Mirren did

whilst dressed up as the Queen.
Did you know?

Scaring people in Madame Tussauds.

That would be so much fun.

She was doing whatever play
she's doing in the West End

and there were drummers drumming
outside and she left the show,

mid-show, and it was just in the
middle of one of the acts and said,

HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: "I'll be back
in a minute." Or whatever.

I don't do the Queen's voice.

HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: "One must go
and tell some drummers to fuck off."

Went outside
and turned all Danny Dyer on them.

"You fucking slags. Fucking drummer!"

"Fucking drum you, cow."

And then, off they go.

Noel, Richard?

- Told drummer to fuck off.
- That is the right answer.

I've got the direct quote, which was

"Shut the fuck up,
people have paid fucking £100

"for their theatre tickets"

- to a group of drummers outside the
theatre. - I think she had a point.

Yeah, but what if she'd
accidentally stumbled into Stomp?

So it's that part of the show
where I introduce a mystery guest.

All you have to do is guess
who they are and how

they made the news this year. Ladies
and gentlemen, our mystery guest.

APPLAUSE

How are you?
It's very nice to meet you.

OK, so you can only ask questions
that she can answer yes or no.

Did you get
your tights from Danny Dyer?

- No. - Were you in
Spice Girls: The Musical?

- No. - Congratulations.

Yes, well done.

Is your name Amanda Knox?

No.

Yes or no?

Did you appear on television?

Yes.

Did you appear on it unwillingly?

- No. - Was the situation blurred?

- Yes. - Did you win MasterChef?

- No. - Is it a cooking show?

- No. - Is it...? - A performing show?

- Yeah. - Are you the lady
that operates Bruce Forsyth?

- So it's a big show on television,
big reality show. - Not that big.

There was a news story
off the back of this.

It was a reality show and there was
a news story off the back of it,

cos it was such an extraordinary
thing that happened.

Have you been on
the Jonathan Ross... Oh, no,

it's a big show, you said!

Another clue would be
you were on a show

and I think it is fair to say that
you were not...you were not invited.

- Oh, yes, I know,
you threw an egg at someone. - Yes.

Write down your answers. You've
got to write down your answer.

- He gave the whole answer
to everyone. - You didn't say.

- What was it again?
- She threw an egg.

OK, let's see what everyone put.

Jack, Jonathan, you went with?

We went with threw egg on Cowell.

- Richard?
- We just went with threw an egg

at someone on Britain's Got Talent.

- Dara? - Threw an egg, like Jack said.

So tell them who you are.

My name's Natalie Holt and I
threw some eggs at Simon Cowell.

What's the back story to it anyway?
I never really got why you did it.

Well, I just thought
Simon Cowell's got too much power

and influence in the music industry,

so I thought it would be funny
to throw an egg at him.

And you, young lady, were correct.

It was very funny.
Let's have a look at you in action.

♪ The unreachable

♪ The unreachable

♪ Star

♪ And I always dream

♪ The impossible dream... ♪

APPLAUSE

CHEERING

I've got one more question.

- Go ahead, Noel. - Will you marry me?

Holy cow!

I'm marrying somebody else, sorry.

Oh, for fuck's sake!

Really good aim.

You were, like, 30 feet away from
him and he got him on the head.

I got him twice.

How did you get backstage
and onto the stage for that?

I was booked to mime in this backing
orchestra with an act that was on

the show and I just thought,
"Well, I could pelt them with eggs."

Have you ever considered
becoming a terrorist?

Natalie Holt, everyone,
give her a round of applause.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Let's take a quick look and see
what that's done to the scores.

Jack and Jonathan have 9 points,

Noel and Richard have 21.

In the lead,
Dara and Kristen with 22.

Time for another break.

Once again, Natalie,
give her a round of applause.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Welcome back to the Big Fat Quiz.

This round is all about lifestyle -

the fads, fashions,
technologies and trends of 2013.

Grand Theft Auto 5 was
an enormous hit this year.

The big moral question is,
does playing Grand Theft Auto

affect the way one relates
to hookers

you've kidnapped in the real world?

The Share A Coke campaign

launched this year,

advertisers discovered
people all over the world

enjoy having their teeth dissolved
by something with their name on it.

Right, and for our first question,
it's over to Rizzle Kicks.

Wassup, Jimmy?

Now, as pop sensations,

it's very important we keep
ourselves looking shipshape.

- These bad boys didn't happen
overnight. - Where's the beach?

One of the biggest health fads this
year was the 5:2 diet,

but can your teams explain
how it actually works?

So, that's the Rizzle Kicks.

Can we have another
look at the Rizzle Kicks, there?

One of them looks as
if he might be solving a murder.

That'll be Harley.

Harley - I love the Rizzle Kicks.

I love Rizzle Kicks.

Do you really love Rizzle Kicks?

Yes, I love Rizzle Kicks.

Do you go to their gigs?

- Ye... - I have never...

Wear their badges, got their album?

I hate people who are only getting
on the Rizzle Kicks bandwagon now,

because I was there when they were
just starting off.

OK, next question.

Have a look at this clip of a woman
sitting down to a bite to eat.

Why was this newsworthy?

Here she is.

She's eating a bit of burger there.

Why did that make the news?
Why on earth would that be a story?

Jonathan, what have you got?
What's going on?

Well, last year Jack had
some pizza delivered.

- Because it's Boxing Day...
- Oh, you've got some bread. - Yeah.

We thought we'd make some
food for us.

Oh, what have you got?

I've got some bread
and we've got some turkey.

Last year, I ordered pizza
for everyone, a lovely gesture.

This year, you've brought
your old turkey.

Oh, thank you, Jonathan.
You're so generous.

Oh, and, yeah, just go ahead
with your hands.

- We just...? - You can add some mayo
if you want.

Jonathan, this is the least
appetising thing I've ever seen.

- Are we allowed to eat this,
Jonathan? - Yes.

Are there any vegetarians
here in the audience?

DARA: Stop squeezing the sandwich.
What is this process...?

LAUGHTER

- Don't throw turkey at people.
- I'm sorry.

You know how Jonathan makes
a sandwich, right?

Jonathan puts
the things between the bread

and then squeezes really hard...

It's called a post-Christmas
sandwich.

We're in the middle of a quiz here.

CORK POPS
Ooh!

What noise did you just make, Jack?

That was the bottle.

Jimmy, I've also got some
presents for people.

These are, and I'm re-gifting,
these are unwanted gifts.

I thought I would bring them
in anyway.

That's really kind of you.

That I want.

Unwanted Christmas gift.

- I don't know. - Jonathan!

Oh, I haven't seen that,
can I have that?

- Yeah... - Trust me, you don't
want to watch that.

Do you know what, Jonathan?

Did you actually go out
and buy two copies just for this?

No, these are the ones you gave me.

All the fun over here.

I'm going to put some
turkey in this...

If we put your jacket on the
turkey, it'll look like it's alive.

I think you should wear
the turkey as a hat.

But that's the perfect present.

It's a Jimmy Carr DVD
with turkey in it.

- Noel? - This is unbelievable. - Noel?

- Yeah, what's happened? - Noel, if Dara
were to put on your coat,

you would look like the baddie
in Despicable Me.

I'm just saying, that would...

I just think it would look amazing.

We're all fans of Despicable Me,
yes?

AUDIENCE CHEERS
And then if I put...

I don't want to stretch it, here...

You might have to just put -
oh, wow!

That's great.

It's like a small scarf on me!

Your coat is like a throw for me.

We should do... This is just a much
better way to do television shows.

- Why don't we carry on like this?
- Let's carry on like this, Kristen.

Am I getting yelled at right now?

Let's carry on...

Are you serious?!

I like the fact that Jonathan
brought out the turkey

as a bit of a gag,
and now has eaten half a sandwich.

It's really good turkey.

Now we just look like two people
who met at a festival...

..and are badly
coming down off of drugs.

LAUGHTER

Let's quiz.

- OK, let's quiz, let's quiz,
everyone. - Come on.

I'm ready to quiz.

OK, time for another guest question.

This time it's over to astronaut
Chris Hadfield.

Hey, lovely Chris.

Hi, Jimmy. Chris Hadfield here.

This year, I spent five months
on the International Space Station.

I had the chance to photograph
and tweet some incredible images

of our Earth, but what did I do
just before I came home from space

that has since been viewed over
19 million times on YouTube?

OK, so Chris wants to know
what he did in space

that attracted 19 million hits
on YouTube.

How can we carry on with the quiz?
I feel so empowered.

- If you could just write down...
- I feel like Henry VIII.

No!

Next question.

You just hit
Keith Richards in the face.

I feel like I'm on a really weird
one-night stand at Glastonbury

and I don't know
when's the time to...

- I've got to get back to my tent.
- OK...

I would give you my number but my
phone's run out of battery, so...

let's maybe just call it quits.

Dara, I'd get yourself checked.

Seriously.

OK, so one of my favourite actors
is asking the next question.

It's Paul Rudd, everyone.

- They're all your favourite actors.
- God, he's such a crawler.

Hi, Jimmy!

Now, obviously, I'm a major
newshound

and I don't miss a single scoop.

One story in particular
caught my eye this year.

In November, 23-year-old Evan Spiegel

reportedly turned down an offer
of $3 billion from Facebook.

Can your teams tell me why?

Final question on this round, OK?

Does anyone mind
if I just have a sleep?

- Just curl up.
- Do you want me to spoon you?

OK, night! Wake me up in four fucking
hours when this is over.

Good night, sweet prince.

JACK: Here's a pillow for you.

OK, you don't need me
for the rest of this, do you?

No, no, you have a little nap
over there, OK.

Time for a Say What You See
question.

I'm going to show you a series
of pictures that spell out a phrase.

For example, this spells...

Noel... Field... Ding.

- Yeah. - Good.

Let's liven your desk up a bit.

Because, again, you've come as
colours of Wimbledon, you freak.

It does look like you're
standing on a giant tennis court.

"Oh, it was a really tough match."

LAUGHTER

"A ball came and I had to hit it
back, really tough."

OK, so final question,
Say What You See,

so all you've got to do
is say what you see here.

- Say What You See. - Say what you see,
say what you see, OK.

- Well... Oh. - Ah.

THEY WHISPER

It's a technology story,
if that's a clue.

What? That doesn't even make sense.

Boom! We've got it.

Wow(!)

- Oh, all right. - Well, that's...good.

Right, I'm throwing turkey at you.

No, don't throw turkey.
No throwing turkey.

Hey, when that starts...

we've all got a lot of turkey
to throw.

I think - well, if there's
an arms race,

I think Jonathan's very much
in the lead, there.

OK, some answers.

First up, Rizzle Kicks asked
you how the 5:2 diet works.

Does anyone know?

Five meals...

two fingers.

That's got to be it, right?

That is incorrect, but that also
works, but don't try it.

Noel, Richard?

Two days no eating, five days eat.

Tarzan wrote that.

I thought it was for every
five glasses of alcohol,

it's two glasses of water.

- That is a great diet. - Yeah.

Yeah, five days normal eating

and for two days, you eat
about 500, 600 calories.

That is the right answer. OK, so
Noel and Richard, you get a point,

Dara and Kristen you get a point.
Marvellous.

OK, next question.

We saw a woman
sitting down to have a bite to eat.

What was going on here?
Why was this newsworthy?

KRISTEN: She's smelling
for horse meat.

You see, this is the point at which

I've clearly walked away
from the desk.

"Smelling for horse meat," we seem
to have written at this point.

JACK: I know what it is. I just put
a squiggle because I panicked,

but it's a woman who's trying meat
and it's been made by robots.

It was robot...genetically mutated.

Yes, it's genetically modified meat.
It's not actually from an animal.

It was meat grown in the air.

Noel, what have you written?

Genetically modified burger.

Yeah, she was eating the world's
first lab burger.

The burger cost a staggering
£250,000 to make.

JACK: Lamb?

Not lamb. Lab.

Cos I've had several lamb burgers
and they are delicious.

Especially if you have them
with tzatziki.

I can give you the ingredients
and I'll get an extra point for it.

OK, next up,
Chris Hadfield asked you

what he did in space that got
19 million hits on YouTube.

Did you know?

I put, "Two astronauts, one cup."

If you thought
the one on Earth was messy...

He's coming on Stargazing
in a week's time.

I'm really looking forward to
meeting him

and I don't want him to see
that what we wrote was...

- Cake farts. - Cake farts.

This was a big hit,

cake farts is when, preferably
a woman, will fart on a cake

and up close so you can see
the icing vibrating...

and it's beautiful.

It's like watching sound, like,
visually...and it's a big trend.

So, cake farts in space. Boy!

- Just like two cups. - Yeah.
- Or whatever.

Noel, Richard?

I was over there being...disrobed.

Richard, what did you get?

I put Gangnam Style, I was upset.

Noel had left.

He performed a version
of David Bowie's Space Oddity.

Let's have a look.

♪ This is Major Tom
to ground control

♪ I've left forevermore

♪ And I'm floating in a most
peculiar way

♪ And the stars
look very different today... ♪

OK, next up, Paul Rudd asked you
why 23-year-old Evan Spiegel

turned down an offer of $3 billion
from Facebook in November.

- Did you know why?
- We didn't even hear that question.

Was that when they were making
love on the floor in front of us?

- Yes. - We got distracted.

Did he turn the money down?

Yes, he turned down $3 billion.

That's crazy talk.

Kristen, Dara,
what did you get for this?

We apparently got...

They mistook him
for a starving country.

- So, you thought... - $3 billion.
He was like, "Oh, no,

"I'm not a country that needs
to feed all these people.

"I'm just some guy with an app, so
why would you give me $3 billion?

"So, I'll turn that money away
so you can put it to good."

What a lovely sentiment this time of
year, what a beautiful thing to say.

- OK, and Noel, Richard?
- What have you put?

I can't even - oh, we got this.

- No, we didn't. - No, no.

I put, "He was owed more
and he was haggling."

- So vague. - No, he was the guy
that came up with Snapchat

and he turned down $3 billion.

- Jimmy, get on with the show.
- All right.

Put the knife down, eh?
It's a lot of fun, I know.

- Don't play with the knife.
- Who are you, Crocodile Dundee?

I asked you to say what you saw.

How did you get on?

Decannon Ted Flamefist.

Decannon, which is a very
popular name in...

somewhere. Flame fist.

- NOEL: We got this.
- It could mean anything.

- We nailed this. - OK, Noel, Richard?

3-D printed firearm.

Let fat rain.

- Oh, 3-D! - Dara, Kristen?

- We said 3-D printed firearm.
- It does say...

Well, you got it,
it's the 3-D printed firearm.

It was the Liberator gun, which you
could use a 3-D printer to make,

was released this year.

Decannon Ted Flamefist.

That was the guy that did it.

The guy that made the 3-D printer
was called Decannon Ted Flamefist.

He was from Jamaica
and his name was Decannon.

Now you've had a drink,
you're getting a little bit racist.

OK, let's get some scores.

Jack and Jonathan have nine,
they're lucky to even have that.

And...well, neck and neck here,

Noel and Richard and Dara and
Kristen have both got 24 points.

- Ooh! - Ooh!

Neck and neck.

See you after the break for the
final part of the Big Fat Quiz.

Welcome back to the
Big Fat Quiz of the year.

This round is all about
the talking points and scandals

that shook the year.

One billion Euro-worth of arts
stolen by the Nazis was recovered.

The Nazis originally seized
the art between 1939 and 1945,

during what art historians
call Hitler's "Angry Period".

Boris Johnson was revealed
to have a love child this year.

Boris has had
a string of affairs with women

or, as they've become known,
Boris bikes.

Everyone was worried about
the false widow spider this year.

Of course, the worst thing about
being bitten by a poisonous spider

is that you're probably Australian.

OK, let's have
some scandal questions.

Our first question
comes from a performance artist,

muppet and self-described weirdo,
the Great Gonzo.

Yeeeh!

Hi, Jimmy, it's Gonzo here,
one of the stars of our new movie,

Muppets Most Wanted.

And, you know, as a world-class bog
snorkeler and performance artist,

I've been in some pretty locations,
including this place here.

But none are stranger than
the streets of Kingston upon Thames.

Can you tell me what unusual object
was found by Thames Water staff

in a sewer under those very streets?

The Great Gonzo wants to know
what was discovered

lurking in the sewers
under Kingston, in West London,

in August this year.

OK, this year, embattled mayor
of Toronto, Rob Ford,

faced a series of controversies,

most notably being filmed
smoking crack cocaine.

But how did he defend himself

when accused of making
sexual advances to a colleague?

THEY GIGGLE

Jack and Jonathan, what are you...?
Sitting at the back giggling!

We're going to smoke
a cigarette later.

OK, next up, it's over to Strictly
superstar, Sophie Ellis-Bextor.

Hello, Jimmy.

Well, I wore some fabulous outfits
when I was on Strictly,

but I wasn't
the only one dressing up.

In September, a mysterious costumed
figure got over 196,000 likes

on Facebook,
which sparked the tabloid frenzy

to try and unmask him.
Can you remember who it is?

So, Sophie wants to know
what mysterious figure everyone

wanted to unmask this year.

What serious figure
everyone wanted to unmask?

What mysterious figure
everyone wanted to unmask.

- Mysterious figure... - There was
a mysterious figure... - ..unmask.
- ..wearing a... - ..everyone.

- Figure. - Who wears a mask?

Maybe it's the person from The Cube.

Is it John Merrick?

- It's not John Merrick, no. - OK.

John McCririck?

It was not John McCririck
or John Merrick.

Next question, in what
unusual location did a £14,000

rose garden appear this year?

Is it, like,
a really posh accident black spot?

So, rose garden. Where have you
seen roses this year that you
thought, "That's remarkable"?

Oh, we've got it, we've got it,
mate. Move on, sister.

Have you guys got this?

I have no idea.

The Louvre -
that's a peculiar place for roses.

Finally, over to the one,
the only Harry Hill.

Hi, Jimmy.

I've been supplied a question
that I'm asking you,

as if it's one
that I've come up with.

Listen, in August this year,

photos taken at a zoo
in China's Henan province

became an internet sensation,
but can your teams tell me why?

Why, Jimmy, why?

Harry Hill there. He's been
enjoying Christmas, hasn't he?

OK, let's get some answers.

The Great Gonzo
asked you what was discovered

lurking in the sewers under
Kingston, West London, in August.

- Anyone get this? - Yes.

Danny Dyer's leggings stash.

That is not the correct answer.
What did you get?

There's a giant ball of fat.

What did you get, Noel, Richard?

Wet wipes and a wad of fat
the size of Canada.

Of a galleon, not Canada, a galleon.

A galleon.

Well, you're absolutely right.

It was the fat burg,
a bus-sized lump of congealed lard

and wet wipes
found floating in the sewer.

Where is it now?!

Doing the night route
down to Trafalgar Square.

I asked you how Toronto mayor
Rob Ford defended himself

when accused of making
sexual advances to a colleague.

Did anyone know?

We said he's got pussy on tap.

That's, sort of, the right idea.
Noel, Richard?

Put Blurred Lines, she didn't
know that she wanted intercourse.

Dara, Kristen?

They were like you, you said
that you would, can I say this,

eat her pussy and he was like,

"Never, I got all the pussy
I could eat at home."

Like, I am full.

That is 100% correct.

Let's have a look
at him defending himself.

Oh, and the last thing was
Olivia Dondeck said

that I wanted to eat her pussy.

Olivia Dondeck, I've never
said that in my life to her.

I would never do that.
I'm happily married,

I've got more than enough
to eat at home. Thank you.

More than enough.

That pussy is just relentless.

OK, Sophie Ellis-Bextor there
asked you which mysterious figure

everyone wanted to unmask this year.

- Tara, tara, tara... - Jegging man!

OK, what did you go for,
Noel, Richard?

He put Kojak,
who doesn't even wear a mask.

That's why
it's so difficult to unmask him.

- Always thinking. - Bravo!
- Kristen, did you get this?

We said the Northampton clown.

And that is the right answer.

Basically, they set up a web page
called Spot Northampton's Clown

and then they'd post clues
as to where he would be.

Oh, Jesus, what, in that river,

with a necklace made
out of children's shoes.

OK, next answer,

I asked you where a £14,000
rose garden appeared this year.

Did you know?

- Yes. - Yeah. - Go on.

BOTH: Danny Dyer's leggings.

That is not the case. Dara, Kristen?

I guessed the Tube because that,

what a happy thing for the Tube.
That would really liven it up.

It would be lovely.

Noel, Richard, did you get this?

No, we put David Cameron's back.

That was so close.

Gaga. Gaga's head.

It's actually
Cheryl Cole's backside.

- Yes... - Oh, fuck, yeah, of course!

Yeah, but how do we know that
Cheryl Cole's backside has not

been in Danny Dyer's leggings?

Can you imagine,
on a hot day in the summer,

the problem he has with green fly.

The roses
look like they've been burned.

They do look like burnt roses.
They're very dark, aren't they?

Maybe she was trying
to blowtorch the aphids off.

We're really getting
a long view of her butt.

And finally, Harry Hill asked you
how photos of a zoo in Henan

- province in China ended up going
viral, did you know? - Yes.

Were they building boxes
for pandas to have sex in?

To be filmed by Channel 4.

Pandas in boxes having sex
is not the right answer. Kristen?

You go ahead, Dara.

Yeah, they replaced the animals,
or they didn't have animals,

so they put dogs into the cages
instead, pretending to be

lions and what not.

But they looked, the dogs had
a nice mane, so you could be like,

as a child, you could be like in awe

and have a nice trip at the zoo.

Noel, Richard, what did you get?

- We got a dog disguised as lion.
- OK, let's take a look.

So this is the lion
in a Henan zoo in China.

It looks more like a bear.

That is, let's have a look
at it next to a real lion

just so you can see, just in case
you forgot what a lion looks like.

Oh, Jack, Jack,
I think I've got a joke for you.

I don't know
what kind of a dog that is,

but I think it might be
a...shih-tzu.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, let's check in on scores.

Jack and Jonathan have ten points.

OK, Noel and Richard have 26.

Kristen and Dara have 28,
just in the lead, OK?

There are a total
of eight points on offer here.

So, we're fucked, anyway.

There is no chance in hell
you can come back, but for pride.

There's 18 points
for this final question.

OK, we're looking for three things -
the biggest-selling single of 2013,

the most-watched TV event of 2013

and the
biggest-selling game of 2013.

All you've got to do
is get all three right

and you get
an extra bonus two points.

So it's the biggest-selling
single of 2013 according to the

official chart company,
the most-watched TV event of 2013,

the biggest selling game of 2013.

OK, so two points for each
and a bonus two points

if you get all three of them.

It's really between Kristen and
Dara, and Noel and Richard here.

We're having a fight.

You're having a domestic?

- We're having a dispute, yes. - Yeah.

So one more answer from you
and then we're there.

This is it, ladies and gentlemen,
this is the final question.

OK, let's see what everyone got.
Let's go to Jack and Jonathan first.

Biggest selling single,
Blurred Lines.

Might have the name
wrong on the next one -

Dara Does Some Maths.

Big, huge, huge.

Which is my favourite maths show.

I disagreed with him on the
last one, but he argued me down.

The best game, Boggle.

- Every year... - It is a good game,
it's a great game.

It is a classic game.

OK, Dara, you've got...?

Dangerously, we've gone
for Get Lucky by Daft Punk

- as the biggest single,
she disagrees. - Yep.

- What do you think it is, Kristen?
- Blurred Lines.

- You think Blurred Lines. - But the
picture of... - But he was like,
"Roar, roar, roar..."

That's what I did, I went, "Roar,
roar, roar, roar, roar, roar."

- "Give me pen, I write!"
- Well, sort of.

Anyway, we went for
Britain's Got Talent final

and went for Grand Theft Auto 5.

- Yeah. - OK, and Noel, Richard?

- Blurred Lines. - Blurred Lines.

Prince George.

- Prince George, the TV event. - Yeah.

- Me, neither, OK. - Yeah.

That bit with the reporter,
that bit. The biggest.

Sure, and then?

Grand Theft Auto 5.

OK, well, I can tell you
definitively the biggest single

of the year was Blurred Lines.

- Holla! - That's right, I say. - A-ha!

Daft Punk are in second place.

The biggest TV event of the year was
of course, Wimbledon - the final.

- Oooh! - May have been for viewing
figures, but not for minds!

OK, the biggest selling game
was Grand Theft Auto 5.

- Boggle. - Boggle.

So let's have a look and see what
that's done to the final scores.

AUDIENCE: Oooh!

It means Jack and Jonathan
have got 12 points,

while joint winners Dara
and Kristen, and Noel and Richard,

- have both got 30 points.
- That's brilliant.

You have to share the trophy.

For the first time in the Big Fat
Quiz, you have to share this.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Joint winners.

A big thank you to our amazing
panel, all our special guests.

Thank you for watching.

I'm Jimmy Carr, this has
been The Big Fat Quiz 2013.

Good night!

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