A journey of forgiveness | Ellen Rutledge | TEDxIronwoodStatePrison

From the perspective of a mother whose son was murdered in 2008, Ellen speaks on the topic of her journey of forgiveness, which is the ultimate gift to herself.

This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at http://ted.com/tedx

Ladies and gentlemen,

please give a warm welcome
to our next speaker,

Mrs. Ellen Rutledge.

(Applause)

My name is Ellen Rutledge.

I'm employed here at Ironwood State Prison

as secretary to the Chief Deputy Warden,

Mr. Neil McDowell.

Like many of you,

I always thought
that my family would be blessed

with a long and happy life together.

But God did not include that
in our life plan.

On the morning of October 22, 2008,

our lives were tragically changed forever.

At approximately 4:30 in the morning,

my only son, Michael,

stepped out of his house,
preparing to go to work.

As he was loading up his truck,

he was approached by two
armed robbers wearing ski masks.

He was brutally beaten.

He was fatally shot
in the head, execution-style,

while he was on his hands and knees.

The only physical thing
that those robbers took

was his wallet.

At the time of his murder,

Michael was 35 years old.

This picture was taken just a few months
before he was murdered.

He and his wife
had been married for 13 years;

they had two young children.

They owned their own home
in a nice neighborhood,

and they were living what we all call
"the American dream."

When I was given the news
that my son had been murdered,

thus began my long ride
on an emotional rollercoaster.

My emotions ran from disbelief,

to bargaining with God,

and many nights of grief and despair.

You see, as a mother,

it's my natural instinct

to fix whatever problems
my children might have.

But I couldn't fix this.

To this day, I still have
a hard time understanding

how anything so unforgivable
could happen to any family.

But it does.

One of the most difficult things

we as humans are ever called upon to do

is to respond to evil with kindness,

and to forgive the unforgivable.

We love to read stories
and watch movies

about people who respond
to hatred with love.

And yet when that very thing
is required of us,

our default seems to be one of anger,
bitterness, or vengeance.

If you don't practice forgiveness,

you might be the one
who pays the most dearly.

So, the kindest thing
you can do for yourself

is to forgive the unforgivable.

Lewis B. Smedes, professor,
and author of many popular books

including "Forgive and Forget," is quoted:

"To forgive is to set a prisoner free

only to discover
that the prisoner was you."

Since the murder of my son in 2008,

I have journeyed down
a thousand emotional roads,

seeking the answers to:

can I, will I ever forgive
those two young men

who chose to kill my son,

instead of just taking his wallet
and walking away?

No rational answer has ever given me
the solace that I seek.

During the past five years,

I have eased off
the freeway of pure anguish,

and I now travel
on a frontage road of acceptance.

I have searched my soul
time and time again,

and I have come to know

that I am no longer
identified as a victim,

but rather, I am a strong,
positive, and resilient woman.

Be assured, we all have
the ability to forgive.

But it may not happen
in one fall swoop.

Sometimes it has to happen in layers.

Sometimes we have to forgive
someone many times

before we can let go
of all the emotional residue of the past.

We can take inspiration
from the words of Nelson Mandela,

who was imprisoned for 27 years
by the South African government.

He says: "As I stepped out the door
toward my freedom,

I knew

that if I did not leave all the anger,
hatred, and resentment behind,

I would still be in prison."

So, how do we know
if we have achieved forgiveness?

If you have taken the steps
to restore peace in your heart,

you will feel a shift.

You will no longer feel sorrow
over the circumstance.

You will no longer feel angry
with that person.

You'll feel sorry for them, instead.

And you will tend not to have anything
else to say about the situation, at all.

You will feel lighter,
and you will know in your heart

that you have given
yourself the ultimate gift.

Thank you.

(Applause)