Brené Brown on Blame

(GASPS)

How many of you are blamers?

How many of you,
when something goes wrong,

the first thing you want to know
is whose fault it is?

Hi. My name is Brené. I'm a blamer.
(LAUGHTER)

I need to tell you this quick story
from a couple of years ago

when I realised the magnitude
to which I blame.

I'm in my house. I have on white slacks
and a pink sweater.

I'm drinking a cup of coffee
in my kitchen - a full cup of coffee.

I drop it on the tiled floor.

It goes into a million pieces,
splashes up all over me.

And the first... I mean a millisecond
after it hit the floor,

right out of my mouth is this:

(LAUGHTER)

He is my husband.

Let me tell you
how fast this works for me.

Steve plays water polo with friends.

The night before,
he went to play water polo.

I said, "Make sure you come back at ten.
I can't fall asleep until you're home."

He got back at 10.30, so I went to bed
a little bit later than I thought.

Ergo, my second cup of coffee,

that I probably would not be having
had he come home when we discussed.

Therefore...
(LAUGHTER)

So, the rest of the story is,
I'm cleaning up the kitchen.

(PHONE RINGS)
Steve calls.

Caller ID. I'm, like, "Hey."

He's like, "Hey. What's going on, babe?"
"Huh. What's going on?"

Um...
(LAUGHTER)

"I'll tell you exactly what's going on.

"I'm cleaning up the coffee
that spilled all..."

Dial tone!

(LAUGHTER)
Cos he knows.

How many of you go to that place,
when something bad happens,

the first thing you want to know
is whose fault is it?

I'd rather it be MY fault
than no one's fault. Because why?

It gives us some semblance of control.

If you enjoy blaming, this is where you
should stick your fingers in your ear

and do the "nanana" thing,
cos I'm getting ready to ruin it.

Here's what we know from the research.

Blame is simply the discharging
of discomfort and pain.

It has an inverse relationship
with accountability.

Accountability, by definition,
is a vulnerable process.

It means me calling you and saying,

"My feelings were really hurt
about this." And talking, not blaming.

Blaming is simply a way that
we discharge anger.

People who blame a lot

seldom have the tenacity and grit
to actually hold people accountable,

because we spend all of our energy
raging for 15 seconds

and figuring out whose fault
something is.

Blaming's very corrosive
in relationships.

It's one of the reasons
we miss our opportunities for empathy.

Because when something happens
and we're hearing a story,

we're not really listening.

We're in the place where I was -

making the connections as quickly as
we can about whose fault something was.

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