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(GASPS)

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How many of you are blamers?

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How many of you,
when something goes wrong,

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the first thing you want to know
is whose fault it is?

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Hi. My name is Brené. I'm a blamer.
(LAUGHTER)

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I need to tell you this quick story
from a couple of years ago

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when I realised the magnitude
to which I blame.

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I'm in my house. I have on white slacks
and a pink sweater.

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I'm drinking a cup of coffee
in my kitchen - a full cup of coffee.

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I drop it on the tiled floor.

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It goes into a million pieces,
splashes up all over me.

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And the first... I mean a millisecond
after it hit the floor,

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right out of my mouth is this:

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(LAUGHTER)

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He is my husband.

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Let me tell you
how fast this works for me.

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Steve plays water polo with friends.

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The night before,
he went to play water polo.

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I said, "Make sure you come back at ten.
I can't fall asleep until you're home."

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He got back at 10.30, so I went to bed
a little bit later than I thought.

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Ergo, my second cup of coffee,

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that I probably would not be having
had he come home when we discussed.

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Therefore...
(LAUGHTER)

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So, the rest of the story is,
I'm cleaning up the kitchen.

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(PHONE RINGS)
Steve calls.

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Caller ID. I'm, like, "Hey."

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He's like, "Hey. What's going on, babe?"
"Huh. What's going on?"

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Um...
(LAUGHTER)

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"I'll tell you exactly what's going on.

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"I'm cleaning up the coffee
that spilled all..."

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Dial tone!

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(LAUGHTER)
Cos he knows.

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How many of you go to that place,
when something bad happens,

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the first thing you want to know
is whose fault is it?

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I'd rather it be MY fault
than no one's fault. Because why?

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It gives us some semblance of control.

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If you enjoy blaming, this is where you
should stick your fingers in your ear

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and do the "nanana" thing,
cos I'm getting ready to ruin it.

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Here's what we know from the research.

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Blame is simply the discharging
of discomfort and pain.

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It has an inverse relationship
with accountability.

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Accountability, by definition,
is a vulnerable process.

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It means me calling you and saying,

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"My feelings were really hurt
about this." And talking, not blaming.

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Blaming is simply a way that
we discharge anger.

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People who blame a lot

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seldom have the tenacity and grit
to actually hold people accountable,

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because we spend all of our energy
raging for 15 seconds

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and figuring out whose fault
something is.

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Blaming's very corrosive
in relationships.

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It's one of the reasons
we miss our opportunities for empathy.

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Because when something happens
and we're hearing a story,

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we're not really listening.

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We're in the place where I was -

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making the connections as quickly as
we can about whose fault something was.

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