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(GASPS)

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How many of you are blamers?

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How many of you,[br]when something goes wrong,

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the first thing you want to know[br]is whose fault it is?

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Hi. My name is Brené. I'm a blamer.[br](LAUGHTER)

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I need to tell you this quick story[br]from a couple of years ago

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when I realised the magnitude[br]to which I blame.

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I'm in my house. I have on white slacks[br]and a pink sweater.

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I'm drinking a cup of coffee[br]in my kitchen - a full cup of coffee.

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I drop it on the tiled floor.

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It goes into a million pieces,[br]splashes up all over me.

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And the first... I mean a millisecond[br]after it hit the floor,

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right out of my mouth is this:

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(LAUGHTER)

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He is my husband.

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Let me tell you[br]how fast this works for me.

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Steve plays water polo with friends.

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The night before,[br]he went to play water polo.

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I said, "Make sure you come back at ten.[br]I can't fall asleep until you're home."

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He got back at 10.30, so I went to bed[br]a little bit later than I thought.

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Ergo, my second cup of coffee,

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that I probably would not be having[br]had he come home when we discussed.

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Therefore...[br](LAUGHTER)

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So, the rest of the story is,[br]I'm cleaning up the kitchen.

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(PHONE RINGS)[br]Steve calls.

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Caller ID. I'm, like, "Hey."

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He's like, "Hey. What's going on, babe?"[br]"Huh. What's going on?"

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Um...[br](LAUGHTER)

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"I'll tell you exactly what's going on.

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"I'm cleaning up the coffee[br]that spilled all..."

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Dial tone!

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(LAUGHTER)[br]Cos he knows.

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How many of you go to that place,[br]when something bad happens,

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the first thing you want to know[br]is whose fault is it?

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I'd rather it be MY fault[br]than no one's fault. Because why?

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It gives us some semblance of control.

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If you enjoy blaming, this is where you[br]should stick your fingers in your ear

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and do the "nanana" thing,[br]cos I'm getting ready to ruin it.

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Here's what we know from the research.

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Blame is simply the discharging[br]of discomfort and pain.

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It has an inverse relationship[br]with accountability.

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Accountability, by definition,[br]is a vulnerable process.

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It means me calling you and saying,

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"My feelings were really hurt[br]about this." And talking, not blaming.

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Blaming is simply a way that[br]we discharge anger.

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People who blame a lot

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seldom have the tenacity and grit[br]to actually hold people accountable,

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because we spend all of our energy[br]raging for 15 seconds

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and figuring out whose fault[br]something is.

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Blaming's very corrosive[br]in relationships.

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It's one of the reasons[br]we miss our opportunities for empathy.

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Because when something happens[br]and we're hearing a story,

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we're not really listening.

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We're in the place where I was -

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making the connections as quickly as[br]we can about whose fault something was.

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