Making sex normal | Debby Herbenick | TEDxBloomington

The belief that human beings -- throughout their lives -- deserve to have access to accurate information about their bodies and sexuality drives much of Debby Herbenick's work. Among her greatest passions is translating sexual science to the general public through teaching, books, columns, podcasts, television, social media, blogging, crafting, public art, and her latest project: Make Sex Normal.

This talk was given at a local TEDx event, produced independently of the TED Conferences.

These days I work
as a sex researcher and educator.

But when I first accepted a job, in 1999,

at the Kinsey Institute for Research
in Sex, Gender, and Reproduction,

I was really nervous to tell my family
that I would be working in sex research.

I was particularly nervous
to tell my grandmother.

My grandparents lived around the corner
from my family and I growing up,

and I was really close with them.

And they were loving
and kind, and generous people,

and also very Catholic,
and very traditional,

and people who didn't talk about sex.

But when I went to Boston
to visit my grandmother,

and I told her about the job
that I was taking,

she surprised me by saying
that she was proud of me

and that she thought
it was really important work to be doing.

This was not the grandmother that I knew.

But then she told me a story
that helped me to understand.

This is my grandmother
and my mom as a young girl.

My grammy told me

that she and my grandfather had tried
for years to become pregnant,

and when they finally did it
was a dream come true for them.

Until she went into labor.

It was only in the midst of labor
that she learned for the first time

that her baby would be delivered
not through her stomach,

which is how she thought babies
left the body, but through her vagina.

Although she didn't use the word vagina
when she told me this story.

So this was an awful
and frightening birth experience,

that really should have been wonderful,

and something that they had
looked forward to for years.

In case you're wondering how it could
get to that point, because I was :

her mom had died when she was a teenager,
she wasn't around to tell her about birth.

I have no idea why her doctor
didn't give her that information.

Except maybe this was, you know,
I mean, it was before Kinsey's time,

that was before the sexual revolution,
these things weren't talked about...

But as a result, she thought that Kinsey's
pioneering work in sex and reproduction

was so valuable.

That's why she thought it was great
that I was working there.

Now she tried to do better
with her daughter, my mom,

by giving her more information
about pregnancy and childbirth.

But still, they were uncomfortable
talking about sex and bodies.

That was the home my mom was raised in,

so that's still how my mom felt
about those things.

And when it came time for me
to be in fifth grade,

and my class was shown
a video about puberty,

that I'm sure many of you have seen too,

she asked me in the car
on the way to dance class

"Did they show you the video in school?"

And I said "Yes."

And she said "Do you have any questions?"

And I said "No."

And that was our only conversation.

Now, two years later,
I got my period for the first time.

I was with my grandparents,
I didn't want to tell them,

So I had to call my mom
because I needed help.

When she came home from work,

she came back with a brown,
paper grocery store bag

and handed it to me, and said
"Here, I have the things you need."

And inside the bag were pads.

The whole experience was so embarrassing
and painful for me,

that months later, when I ran out,
I needed more.

I just was not going to approach
that conversation with her again,

but I didn't know where to get any,
and I wanted to try tampons anyway,

'cause I swam all the time,
and I didn't want to talk to her about it.

So I figured, well, I have a bike...

Now, I wasn't allowed
to leave the neighborhood,

I mean, we lived in the suburbs,
far away from any stores.

I only was supposed to be driving,
like a block or two on my bike

to my friends' houses.

We were point A at my house,

the farthest I'd ever ridden
on my bike alone was point B,

one mile away to a friends' house.

But I thought about it for a while,

and I figured out
that there was this store in South Miami,

that's where the tampons were!

(Laughter)

So one day when I got enough nerve,
and figured no one was gonna miss me

for a little while, I got on my bike

and I pedaled what ended up being
five miles following this route.

It's fairly straight, but it actually
crosses a lot of busy streets.

And I was really worried
about getting caught,

but I got the tampons,

put the plastic bag on my handlebars,
and rode back the five miles,

and never told anyone ever.

My mom will find out
when she hears this talk.

(Laughter)

Now a culture in which 13-year-old girls

end up riding their bikes
disobeying their parents,

which I hardly every did,

you know, all because this is
so uncomfortable for them,

it's not the only bad outcome
of a society that doesn't talk about sex.

When sex is treated as abnormal,
doctors and patients don't talk about sex.

It's not unusual for cancer patients
in my line of work

to tell me that they've had 50 or 100
or more medical appointments,

including for pelvic radiation,

and never once had a health care provider

mention the serious
sexual side effects to them.

When sex is treated as abnormal,

we don't talk about it
or teach about it in schools.

And when the CDC maps
sexually transmissible infections,

it's perhaps not surprising,
that they tend to cluster

in areas of the country
known for lack of sex education.

Notice the dark areas
for chlamydia in the US,

gonorrhea in the US,

and HIV in the US.

When we don't talk about sex
and it's treated as abnormal,

people sometimes say inaccurate
or insensitive things.

The 2012 election season
was particularly painful for me

to hear phrases like "legitimate rape",
"rape shutdown mechanisms"

and the quote
"Some girls, they rape so easy."

When sex is treated as abnormal,

we don't even know what's true about sex,
because we're not talking about it.

A few years ago our research team found

that 30% of women in the United States

reported some degree of pain
when they had sex.

The editor of one of the most respected
newspapers in the country refused

to let her writer cover this story,
because, she said:

"If that was true, we would know
because women would be talking about this"

But, you know, women don't even talk much
about sex that feels good,

let alone, sex that feels painful.

So I think the way that we talk about sex,

and the way that we don't talk about sex
in this country is severely broken.

I also think that the way
we're expecting it to change is broken.

If we sit around waiting for politicians,
and school systems,

and parents to change this for us,
we're gonna be waiting for a long time,

because most of these people never got
much training in sexuality education,

or comfort in their homes themselves.

So my idea is a fairly simple one.

But it's gonna take
a commitment for a lot of us

to sort of put this into practice,
take a deep breath and do it civical,

which is just to make sex normal.

So concrete ways you can do this:

Openly read sex books.
Not on your digital devices.

On planes, on subways.

I've been doing this for years,
it's an amazing conversation starter.

(Laughter)

Get sex-positive books for kids
and donate them to schools and libraries.

Celebrate sexual diversity by going
to sex-positive art events,

walking in or hanging out
at Gay Pride parades,

going to marriage equality celebrations,

like the one that recently occurred
on this stage in Bloomington.

(Applause)

You can watch a movie.

A movie that shows realistic views of sex,
nuanced views of sex,

documentaries like Orgasm Inc.

Talk about sex with a doctor or a nurse,
with your kids, with your parents.

If you've got a partner,

start by saying something that you like
or miss about your sex life together.

Find a sex-positive video,

TED actually has several,
including this orgasm talk,

and post it on your Facebook wall.

I guarantee you, you'll get the likes
you've always wanted.

(Laughter)

You can also go more public.

A few years ago a colleague and I
were in Vegas,

and she dressed as a giant homemade vulva,

and I walked around with her
and interviewed women and men of all ages,

asking what they thought she was.

A few guessed Star Trek,
but a lot got it right.

(Laughter)

And I know this isn't for everybody,

but you can also just wear
sex-positive T-shirts.

These are some of the ones I have.

Wear them out, wear them to the gym
and the grocery store.

If you don't have something like that,

you can wear
an "ovary ova-achiever" button

or a "testicle having a ball" button.

They will be in the lobby at the end
of the day, that you can pick up.

I have gifts for all of you.

You can also get your doctors and nurses
to change the waiting room.

They often say that they're asked
sex questions that they can't answer,

or don't have the time to answer.

I say add some good quality
sex books to the waiting room.

Change the posters in the bathroom
away from botox and vein treatments,

to a "Grab Your Gonads"
testicular self-exam poster,

or a poster celebrating
the diversity of women's genitals.

Make space for sex.

Here I started the Bloomington Sex Salon
that brings sex researchers

into the community, into bars and cafes.

A local restaurant sometimes gets cheeky
with their menu items,

including the French Tickler.
That's from FARM.

Support the sex arts. From left to right,
is my Etsy-bought uterus-doll,

vulva lapel pins
from a local handmade market,

a clay vulva man that a student made,

and a sperm-shaped salt shaker
that I picked up in Argentina.

Put it on the Thanksgiving table.

And finally, embrace real sex and bodies.

Check out Cindy Gallop's "Make Love,
Not Porn" website and TED talk,

watch shows like Lena Dunham's Girls,

and check out makesexnormal.tumblr.com —
the new site launched this week

that encourages people to send in photos
showing what they do to make sex normal.

Now recently our research team
asked people what they like about sex.

A man said:

"It's a very pleasant habit we started 40
years ago. It makes the marriage better."

(Laughter)

A woman said "Feeling completely loved,
like I was the only person in the world

he wanted to be with."

Another woman said "Before my husband
passed he just made me feel good.

I miss the way he would make me feel."

And a man said "Makes you feel
like your life is worth a little bit."

So yeah, sex in all of its ups and downs,
and ebbs and flows,

and having it,
and not having it sometimes,

all of that is part of the normal
human experience of sexuality.

It is a normal part of life,

I just think we have to go out
and make it normal.

Now I have a professional stake
in this for sure,

because I believe
that if we make it normal,

if we help people to become
more comfortable,

that people will more easily report
sexual assaults and rapes,

they'll more easily talk about
STIs and STI-testing,

they'll more easily talk about love,

intimacy and connection
with their partners.

But I also have a personal stake in this.

And this is that, like many of you,

I know the sadness, and pain,
and frustration of relationship problems,

when two people can't talk about sex.

I also know the joys, and the intimacy,
and the pleasure

that comes with relationships,
when two people can talk about sex.

The other personal stake for me is that,

when I think of 13-year-old girls
riding bikes,

rather than thinking of them secretly
buying tampons, crossing busy streets,

disobeying their parents,

I wish for them a world,
in which they're riding their bikes

to a friend's house,

feeling the freedom that comes
with being young, and out on your own.

Because for them,
they will be living in a world

where sex, and bodies,
and periods and puberty are totally normal

because all of you and I made it normal.

Thank you.

(Applause)