0:00:14.395,0:00:18.890
These days I work[br]as a sex researcher and educator.

0:00:18.890,0:00:21.680
But when I first accepted a job, in 1999,

0:00:21.680,0:00:26.380
at the Kinsey Institute for Research[br]in Sex, Gender, and Reproduction,

0:00:26.380,0:00:32.330
I was really nervous to tell my family[br]that I would be working in sex research.

0:00:32.330,0:00:36.980
I was particularly nervous[br]to tell my grandmother.

0:00:36.980,0:00:42.440
My grandparents lived around the corner[br]from my family and I growing up,

0:00:42.440,0:00:44.120
and I was really close with them.

0:00:44.120,0:00:47.320
And they were loving[br]and kind, and generous people,

0:00:47.320,0:00:51.170
and also very Catholic,[br]and very traditional,

0:00:51.170,0:00:53.690
and people who didn't talk about sex.

0:00:53.690,0:00:56.240
But when I went to Boston[br]to visit my grandmother,

0:00:56.240,0:00:59.240
and I told her about the job[br]that I was taking,

0:00:59.240,0:01:02.350
she surprised me by saying[br]that she was proud of me

0:01:02.350,0:01:05.600
and that she thought[br]it was really important work to be doing.

0:01:05.600,0:01:08.400
This was not the grandmother that I knew.

0:01:08.400,0:01:12.200
But then she told me a story[br]that helped me to understand.

0:01:12.200,0:01:15.690
This is my grandmother[br]and my mom as a young girl.

0:01:15.690,0:01:16.910
My grammy told me

0:01:16.910,0:01:20.660
that she and my grandfather had tried[br]for years to become pregnant,

0:01:20.660,0:01:23.650
and when they finally did it[br]was a dream come true for them.

0:01:23.650,0:01:26.120
Until she went into labor.

0:01:26.120,0:01:30.870
It was only in the midst of labor[br]that she learned for the first time

0:01:30.870,0:01:34.890
that her baby would be delivered[br]not through her stomach,

0:01:34.890,0:01:39.360
which is how she thought babies[br]left the body, but through her vagina.

0:01:39.360,0:01:42.640
Although she didn't use the word vagina[br]when she told me this story.

0:01:42.640,0:01:47.520
So this was an awful[br]and frightening birth experience,

0:01:47.520,0:01:49.400
that really should have been wonderful,

0:01:49.400,0:01:52.260
and something that they had[br]looked forward to for years.

0:01:52.260,0:01:56.110
In case you're wondering how it could[br]get to that point, because I was :

0:01:56.110,0:02:01.230
her mom had died when she was a teenager,[br]she wasn't around to tell her about birth.

0:02:01.230,0:02:05.200
I have no idea why her doctor[br]didn't give her that information.

0:02:05.200,0:02:08.520
Except maybe this was, you know,[br]I mean, it was before Kinsey's time,

0:02:08.520,0:02:12.230
that was before the sexual revolution,[br]these things weren't talked about...

0:02:12.230,0:02:16.710
But as a result, she thought that Kinsey's[br]pioneering work in sex and reproduction

0:02:16.710,0:02:19.480
was so valuable.

0:02:19.480,0:02:22.430
That's why she thought it was great[br]that I was working there.

0:02:22.430,0:02:24.970
Now she tried to do better[br]with her daughter, my mom,

0:02:24.970,0:02:28.250
by giving her more information[br]about pregnancy and childbirth.

0:02:28.250,0:02:31.850
But still, they were uncomfortable[br]talking about sex and bodies.

0:02:31.850,0:02:34.130
That was the home my mom was raised in,

0:02:34.130,0:02:37.300
so that's still how my mom felt[br]about those things.

0:02:37.300,0:02:40.090
And when it came time for me[br]to be in fifth grade,

0:02:40.090,0:02:42.380
and my class was shown[br]a video about puberty,

0:02:42.380,0:02:45.130
that I'm sure many of you have seen too,

0:02:45.130,0:02:48.090
she asked me in the car[br]on the way to dance class

0:02:48.090,0:02:50.270
"Did they show you the video in school?"

0:02:50.270,0:02:51.480
And I said "Yes."

0:02:51.480,0:02:53.730
And she said "Do you have any questions?"

0:02:53.730,0:02:55.460
And I said "No."

0:02:55.460,0:02:58.650
And that was our only conversation.

0:02:58.650,0:03:02.670
Now, two years later,[br]I got my period for the first time.

0:03:02.670,0:03:06.560
I was with my grandparents,[br]I didn't want to tell them,

0:03:06.560,0:03:09.700
So I had to call my mom[br]because I needed help.

0:03:09.700,0:03:11.660
When she came home from work,

0:03:11.660,0:03:15.000
she came back with a brown,[br]paper grocery store bag

0:03:15.000,0:03:19.460
and handed it to me, and said[br]"Here, I have the things you need."

0:03:19.460,0:03:22.550
And inside the bag were pads.

0:03:22.550,0:03:26.930
The whole experience was so embarrassing[br]and painful for me,

0:03:26.930,0:03:30.740
that months later, when I ran out,[br]I needed more.

0:03:30.740,0:03:33.880
I just was not going to approach[br]that conversation with her again,

0:03:33.880,0:03:37.720
but I didn't know where to get any,[br]and I wanted to try tampons anyway,

0:03:37.720,0:03:41.410
'cause I swam all the time,[br]and I didn't want to talk to her about it.

0:03:41.410,0:03:43.490
So I figured, well, I have a bike...

0:03:43.490,0:03:46.190
Now, I wasn't allowed[br]to leave the neighborhood,

0:03:46.190,0:03:48.920
I mean, we lived in the suburbs,[br]far away from any stores.

0:03:48.920,0:03:52.180
I only was supposed to be driving,[br]like a block or two on my bike

0:03:52.180,0:03:53.390
to my friends' houses.

0:03:53.390,0:03:54.770
We were point A at my house,

0:03:54.770,0:03:58.760
the farthest I'd ever ridden[br]on my bike alone was point B,

0:03:58.760,0:04:00.970
one mile away to a friends' house.

0:04:00.970,0:04:02.950
But I thought about it for a while,

0:04:02.950,0:04:05.840
and I figured out[br]that there was this store in South Miami,

0:04:05.840,0:04:08.720
that's where the tampons were!

0:04:08.720,0:04:10.030
(Laughter)

0:04:10.030,0:04:14.820
So one day when I got enough nerve,[br]and figured no one was gonna miss me

0:04:14.820,0:04:16.810
for a little while, I got on my bike

0:04:16.810,0:04:22.138
and I pedaled what ended up being [br]five miles following this route.

0:04:22.138,0:04:25.588
It's fairly straight, but it actually[br]crosses a lot of busy streets.

0:04:25.588,0:04:27.758
And I was really worried[br]about getting caught,

0:04:27.758,0:04:28.902
but I got the tampons,

0:04:28.902,0:04:32.680
put the plastic bag on my handlebars,[br]and rode back the five miles,

0:04:32.680,0:04:35.700
and never told anyone ever.

0:04:35.700,0:04:38.128
My mom will find out[br]when she hears this talk.

0:04:38.120,0:04:39.450
(Laughter)

0:04:40.880,0:04:44.832
Now a culture in which 13-year-old girls

0:04:44.832,0:04:47.440
end up riding their bikes[br]disobeying their parents,

0:04:47.440,0:04:48.840
which I hardly every did,

0:04:48.840,0:04:52.200
you know, all because this is[br]so uncomfortable for them,

0:04:52.200,0:04:56.310
it's not the only bad outcome[br]of a society that doesn't talk about sex.

0:04:56.310,0:05:03.020
When sex is treated as abnormal,[br]doctors and patients don't talk about sex.

0:05:03.020,0:05:06.978
It's not unusual for cancer patients[br]in my line of work

0:05:06.978,0:05:10.730
to tell me that they've had 50 or 100[br]or more medical appointments,

0:05:10.730,0:05:13.054
including for pelvic radiation,

0:05:13.054,0:05:15.512
and never once had a health care provider

0:05:15.512,0:05:18.512
mention the serious[br]sexual side effects to them.

0:05:18.512,0:05:20.650
When sex is treated as abnormal,

0:05:20.650,0:05:23.276
we don't talk about it[br]or teach about it in schools.

0:05:23.276,0:05:26.350
And when the CDC maps [br]sexually transmissible infections,

0:05:26.350,0:05:29.400
it's perhaps not surprising, [br]that they tend to cluster

0:05:29.400,0:05:33.370
in areas of the country[br]known for lack of sex education.

0:05:33.370,0:05:37.310
Notice the dark areas[br]for chlamydia in the US,

0:05:37.310,0:05:39.698
gonorrhea in the US,

0:05:39.698,0:05:42.208
and HIV in the US.

0:05:42.208,0:05:46.420
When we don't talk about sex[br]and it's treated as abnormal,

0:05:46.430,0:05:50.210
people sometimes say inaccurate[br]or insensitive things.

0:05:50.210,0:05:54.260
The 2012 election season[br]was particularly painful for me

0:05:54.260,0:05:58.760
to hear phrases like "legitimate rape",[br]"rape shutdown mechanisms"

0:05:58.760,0:06:03.280
and the quote [br]"Some girls, they rape so easy."

0:06:03.280,0:06:06.480
When sex is treated as abnormal,

0:06:06.480,0:06:10.200
we don't even know what's true about sex,[br]because we're not talking about it.

0:06:10.200,0:06:13.260
A few years ago our research team found

0:06:13.260,0:06:15.956
that 30% of women in the United States

0:06:15.956,0:06:19.356
reported some degree of pain[br]when they had sex.

0:06:19.356,0:06:24.852
The editor of one of the most respected[br]newspapers in the country refused

0:06:24.852,0:06:27.430
to let her writer cover this story,[br]because, she said:

0:06:27.430,0:06:31.160
"If that was true, we would know[br]because women would be talking about this"

0:06:31.160,0:06:35.908
But, you know, women don't even talk much[br]about sex that feels good,

0:06:35.908,0:06:38.760
let alone, sex that feels painful.

0:06:38.760,0:06:41.684
So I think the way that we talk about sex,

0:06:41.684,0:06:45.824
and the way that we don't talk about sex[br]in this country is severely broken.

0:06:45.824,0:06:50.136
I also think that the way[br]we're expecting it to change is broken.

0:06:50.136,0:06:54.600
If we sit around waiting for politicians,[br]and school systems,

0:06:54.600,0:06:58.432
and parents to change this for us,[br]we're gonna be waiting for a long time,

0:06:58.434,0:07:02.610
because most of these people never got[br]much training in sexuality education,

0:07:02.610,0:07:05.640
or comfort in their homes themselves.

0:07:05.640,0:07:08.490
So my idea is a fairly simple one.

0:07:08.490,0:07:11.030
But it's gonna take [br]a commitment for a lot of us

0:07:11.030,0:07:14.980
to sort of put this into practice,[br]take a deep breath and do it civical,

0:07:14.980,0:07:18.220
which is just to make sex normal.

0:07:18.220,0:07:20.560
So concrete ways you can do this:

0:07:20.560,0:07:24.430
Openly read sex books.[br]Not on your digital devices.

0:07:24.430,0:07:27.312
On planes, on subways.

0:07:27.312,0:07:31.420
I've been doing this for years,[br]it's an amazing conversation starter.

0:07:31.420,0:07:32.544
(Laughter)

0:07:32.544,0:07:38.220
Get sex-positive books for kids[br]and donate them to schools and libraries.

0:07:38.220,0:07:42.380
Celebrate sexual diversity by going[br]to sex-positive art events,

0:07:42.380,0:07:45.144
walking in or hanging out[br]at Gay Pride parades,

0:07:45.144,0:07:47.530
going to marriage equality celebrations,

0:07:47.530,0:07:51.260
like the one that recently occurred[br]on this stage in Bloomington.

0:07:51.260,0:07:52.618
(Applause)

0:07:55.448,0:07:57.000
You can watch a movie.

0:07:57.000,0:08:00.688
A movie that shows realistic views of sex,[br]nuanced views of sex,

0:08:00.704,0:08:02.944
documentaries like Orgasm Inc.

0:08:02.944,0:08:07.212
Talk about sex with a doctor or a nurse,[br]with your kids, with your parents.

0:08:07.212,0:08:08.700
If you've got a partner,

0:08:08.700,0:08:13.556
start by saying something that you like[br]or miss about your sex life together.

0:08:13.556,0:08:15.064
Find a sex-positive video,

0:08:15.064,0:08:18.224
TED actually has several,[br]including this orgasm talk,

0:08:18.224,0:08:20.030
and post it on your Facebook wall.

0:08:20.030,0:08:23.120
I guarantee you, you'll get the likes[br]you've always wanted.

0:08:23.122,0:08:24.350
(Laughter)

0:08:25.370,0:08:27.360
You can also go more public.

0:08:27.360,0:08:29.648
A few years ago a colleague and I[br]were in Vegas,

0:08:29.648,0:08:32.950
and she dressed as a giant homemade vulva,

0:08:32.950,0:08:37.520
and I walked around with her[br]and interviewed women and men of all ages,

0:08:37.520,0:08:39.290
asking what they thought she was.

0:08:39.290,0:08:42.500
A few guessed Star Trek,[br]but a lot got it right.

0:08:42.500,0:08:43.490
(Laughter)

0:08:43.490,0:08:46.100
And I know this isn't for everybody,

0:08:46.100,0:08:48.793
but you can also just wear[br]sex-positive T-shirts.

0:08:48.793,0:08:50.423
These are some of the ones I have.

0:08:50.423,0:08:53.146
Wear them out, wear them to the gym[br]and the grocery store.

0:08:53.146,0:08:55.286
If you don't have something like that,

0:08:55.286,0:08:58.310
you can wear[br]an "ovary ova-achiever" button

0:08:58.310,0:09:00.440
or a "testicle having a ball" button.

0:09:00.440,0:09:04.260
They will be in the lobby at the end[br]of the day, that you can pick up.

0:09:04.260,0:09:06.704
I have gifts for all of you.

0:09:06.706,0:09:09.890
You can also get your doctors and nurses[br]to change the waiting room.

0:09:09.890,0:09:13.240
They often say that they're asked[br]sex questions that they can't answer,

0:09:13.240,0:09:14.876
or don't have the time to answer.

0:09:14.876,0:09:18.000
I say add some good quality[br]sex books to the waiting room.

0:09:18.000,0:09:22.186
Change the posters in the bathroom[br]away from botox and vein treatments,

0:09:22.186,0:09:26.430
to a "Grab Your Gonads"[br]testicular self-exam poster,

0:09:26.430,0:09:30.910
or a poster celebrating[br]the diversity of women's genitals.

0:09:30.910,0:09:32.282
Make space for sex.

0:09:32.282,0:09:35.976
Here I started the Bloomington Sex Salon[br]that brings sex researchers

0:09:35.976,0:09:38.976
into the community, into bars and cafes.

0:09:38.976,0:09:42.270
A local restaurant sometimes gets cheeky[br]with their menu items,

0:09:42.270,0:09:46.618
including the French Tickler.[br]That's from FARM.

0:09:46.618,0:09:52.876
Support the sex arts. From left to right,[br]is my Etsy-bought uterus-doll,

0:09:52.876,0:09:55.756
vulva lapel pins[br]from a local handmade market,

0:09:55.756,0:09:58.122
a clay vulva man that a student made,

0:09:58.122,0:10:03.240
and a sperm-shaped salt shaker[br]that I picked up in Argentina.

0:10:03.250,0:10:05.410
Put it on the Thanksgiving table.

0:10:05.410,0:10:08.596
And finally, embrace real sex and bodies.

0:10:08.596,0:10:13.696
Check out Cindy Gallop's "Make Love,[br]Not Porn" website and TED talk,

0:10:13.696,0:10:16.500
watch shows like Lena Dunham's Girls,

0:10:16.500,0:10:21.068
and check out makesexnormal.tumblr.com —[br]the new site launched this week

0:10:21.068,0:10:25.728
that encourages people to send in photos[br]showing what they do to make sex normal.

0:10:25.728,0:10:30.280
Now recently our research team[br]asked people what they like about sex.

0:10:30.280,0:10:31.260
A man said:

0:10:31.260,0:10:36.500
"It's a very pleasant habit we started 40[br]years ago. It makes the marriage better."

0:10:36.500,0:10:37.880
(Laughter)

0:10:37.880,0:10:42.090
A woman said "Feeling completely loved,[br]like I was the only person in the world

0:10:42.090,0:10:44.090
he wanted to be with."

0:10:44.090,0:10:48.330
Another woman said "Before my husband[br]passed he just made me feel good.

0:10:48.330,0:10:51.590
I miss the way he would make me feel."

0:10:51.590,0:10:56.002
And a man said "Makes you feel[br]like your life is worth a little bit."

0:10:56.002,0:10:59.906
So yeah, sex in all of its ups and downs,[br]and ebbs and flows,

0:10:59.906,0:11:02.250
and having it,[br]and not having it sometimes,

0:11:02.250,0:11:06.672
all of that is part of the normal[br]human experience of sexuality.

0:11:06.680,0:11:09.560
It is a normal part of life,

0:11:09.560,0:11:13.090
I just think we have to go out[br]and make it normal.

0:11:13.090,0:11:16.050
Now I have a professional stake[br]in this for sure,

0:11:16.050,0:11:18.160
because I believe[br]that if we make it normal,

0:11:18.160,0:11:20.416
if we help people to become[br]more comfortable,

0:11:20.416,0:11:23.390
that people will more easily report[br]sexual assaults and rapes,

0:11:23.390,0:11:26.440
they'll more easily talk about[br]STIs and STI-testing,

0:11:26.444,0:11:28.690
they'll more easily talk about love,

0:11:28.690,0:11:31.040
intimacy and connection[br]with their partners.

0:11:31.040,0:11:33.190
But I also have a personal stake in this.

0:11:33.190,0:11:35.480
And this is that, like many of you,

0:11:35.480,0:11:40.622
I know the sadness, and pain,[br]and frustration of relationship problems,

0:11:40.622,0:11:43.454
when two people can't talk about sex.

0:11:43.454,0:11:46.910
I also know the joys, and the intimacy,[br]and the pleasure

0:11:46.910,0:11:51.218
that comes with relationships,[br]when two people can talk about sex.

0:11:51.218,0:11:54.078
The other personal stake for me is that,

0:11:54.080,0:11:57.434
when I think of 13-year-old girls[br]riding bikes,

0:11:57.434,0:12:02.920
rather than thinking of them secretly[br]buying tampons, crossing busy streets,

0:12:02.920,0:12:04.208
disobeying their parents,

0:12:04.208,0:12:07.638
I wish for them a world,[br]in which they're riding their bikes

0:12:07.638,0:12:09.368
to a friend's house,

0:12:09.368,0:12:12.614
feeling the freedom that comes[br]with being young, and out on your own.

0:12:12.614,0:12:15.360
Because for them,[br]they will be living in a world

0:12:15.370,0:12:19.770
where sex, and bodies,[br]and periods and puberty are totally normal

0:12:19.770,0:12:23.074
because all of you and I made it normal.

0:12:23.074,0:12:24.110
Thank you.

0:12:24.110,0:12:25.830
(Applause)