WEBVTT

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These days I work
as a sex researcher and educator.

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But when I first accepted a job, in 1999,

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at the Kinsey Institute for Research
in Sex, Gender, and Reproduction,

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I was really nervous to tell my family
that I would be working in sex research.

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I was particularly nervous
to tell my grandmother.

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My grandparents lived around the corner
from my family and I growing up,

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and I was really close with them.

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And they were loving
and kind, and generous people,

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and also very Catholic,
and very traditional,

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and people who didn't talk about sex.

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But when I went to Boston
to visit my grandmother,

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and I told her about the job
that I was taking,

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she surprised me by saying
that she was proud of me

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and that she thought
it was really important work to be doing.

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This was not the grandmother that I knew.

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But then she told me a story
that helped me to understand.

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This is my grandmother
and my mom as a young girl.

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My grammy told me

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that she and my grandfather had tried
for years to become pregnant,

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and when they finally did it
was a dream come true for them.

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Until she went into labor.

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It was only in the midst of labor
that she learned for the first time

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that her baby would be delivered
not through her stomach,

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which is how she thought babies
left the body, but through her vagina.

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Although she didn't use the word vagina
when she told me this story.

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So this was an awful
and frightening birth experience,

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that really should have been wonderful,

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and something that they had
looked forward to for years.

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In case you're wondering how it could
get to that point, because I was :

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her mom had died when she was a teenager,
she wasn't around to tell her about birth.

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I have no idea why her doctor
didn't give her that information.

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Except maybe this was, you know,
I mean, it was before Kinsey's time,

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that was before the sexual revolution,
these things weren't talked about...

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But as a result, she thought that Kinsey's
pioneering work in sex and reproduction

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was so valuable.

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That's why she thought it was great
that I was working there.

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Now she tried to do better
with her daughter, my mom,

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by giving her more information
about pregnancy and childbirth.

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But still, they were uncomfortable
talking about sex and bodies.

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That was the home my mom was raised in,

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so that's still how my mom felt
about those things.

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And when it came time for me
to be in fifth grade,

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and my class was shown
a video about puberty,

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that I'm sure many of you have seen too,

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she asked me in the car
on the way to dance class

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"Did they show you the video in school?"

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And I said "Yes."

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And she said "Do you have any questions?"

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And I said "No."

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And that was our only conversation.

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Now, two years later,
I got my period for the first time.

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I was with my grandparents,
I didn't want to tell them,

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So I had to call my mom
because I needed help.

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When she came home from work,

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she came back with a brown,
paper grocery store bag

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and handed it to me, and said
"Here, I have the things you need."

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And inside the bag were pads.

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The whole experience was so embarrassing
and painful for me,

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that months later, when I ran out,
I needed more.

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I just was not going to approach
that conversation with her again,

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but I didn't know where to get any,
and I wanted to try tampons anyway,

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'cause I swam all the time,
and I didn't want to talk to her about it.

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So I figured, well, I have a bike...

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Now, I wasn't allowed
to leave the neighborhood,

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I mean, we lived in the suburbs,
far away from any stores.

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I only was supposed to be driving,
like a block or two on my bike

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to my friends' houses.

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We were point A at my house,

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the farthest I'd ever ridden
on my bike alone was point B,

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one mile away to a friends' house.

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But I thought about it for a while,

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and I figured out
that there was this store in South Miami,

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that's where the tampons were!

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(Laughter)

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So one day when I got enough nerve,
and figured no one was gonna miss me

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for a little while, I got on my bike

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and I pedaled what ended up being 
five miles following this route.

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It's fairly straight, but it actually
crosses a lot of busy streets.

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And I was really worried
about getting caught,

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but I got the tampons,

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put the plastic bag on my handlebars,
and rode back the five miles,

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and never told anyone ever.

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My mom will find out
when she hears this talk.

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(Laughter)

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Now a culture in which 13-year-old girls

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end up riding their bikes
disobeying their parents,

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which I hardly every did,

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you know, all because this is
so uncomfortable for them,

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it's not the only bad outcome
of a society that doesn't talk about sex.

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When sex is treated as abnormal,
doctors and patients don't talk about sex.

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It's not unusual for cancer patients
in my line of work

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to tell me that they've had 50 or 100
or more medical appointments,

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including for pelvic radiation,

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and never once had a health care provider

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mention the serious
sexual side effects to them.

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When sex is treated as abnormal,

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we don't talk about it
or teach about it in schools.

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And when the CDC maps 
sexually transmissible infections,

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it's perhaps not surprising, 
that they tend to cluster

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in areas of the country
known for lack of sex education.

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Notice the dark areas
for chlamydia in the US,

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gonorrhea in the US,

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and HIV in the US.

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When we don't talk about sex
and it's treated as abnormal,

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people sometimes say inaccurate
or insensitive things.

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The 2012 election season
was particularly painful for me

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to hear phrases like "legitimate rape",
"rape shutdown mechanisms"

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and the quote 
"Some girls, they rape so easy."

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When sex is treated as abnormal,

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we don't even know what's true about sex,
because we're not talking about it.

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A few years ago our research team found

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that 30% of women in the United States

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reported some degree of pain
when they had sex.

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The editor of one of the most respected
newspapers in the country refused

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to let her writer cover this story,
because, she said:

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"If that was true, we would know
because women would be talking about this"

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But, you know, women don't even talk much
about sex that feels good,

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let alone, sex that feels painful.

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So I think the way that we talk about sex,

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and the way that we don't talk about sex
in this country is severely broken.

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I also think that the way
we're expecting it to change is broken.

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If we sit around waiting for politicians,
and school systems,

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and parents to change this for us,
we're gonna be waiting for a long time,

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because most of these people never got
much training in sexuality education,

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or comfort in their homes themselves.

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So my idea is a fairly simple one.

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But it's gonna take 
a commitment for a lot of us

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to sort of put this into practice,
take a deep breath and do it civical,

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which is just to make sex normal.

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So concrete ways you can do this:

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Openly read sex books.
Not on your digital devices.

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On planes, on subways.

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I've been doing this for years,
it's an amazing conversation starter.

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(Laughter)

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Get sex-positive books for kids
and donate them to schools and libraries.

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Celebrate sexual diversity by going
to sex-positive art events,

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walking in or hanging out
at Gay Pride parades,

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going to marriage equality celebrations,

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like the one that recently occurred
on this stage in Bloomington.

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(Applause)

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You can watch a movie.

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A movie that shows realistic views of sex,
nuanced views of sex,

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documentaries like Orgasm Inc.

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Talk about sex with a doctor or a nurse,
with your kids, with your parents.

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If you've got a partner,

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start by saying something that you like
or miss about your sex life together.

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Find a sex-positive video,

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TED actually has several,
including this orgasm talk,

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and post it on your Facebook wall.

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I guarantee you, you'll get the likes
you've always wanted.

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(Laughter)

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You can also go more public.

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A few years ago a colleague and I
were in Vegas,

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and she dressed as a giant homemade vulva,

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and I walked around with her
and interviewed women and men of all ages,

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asking what they thought she was.

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A few guessed Star Trek,
but a lot got it right.

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(Laughter)

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And I know this isn't for everybody,

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but you can also just wear
sex-positive T-shirts.

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These are some of the ones I have.

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Wear them out, wear them to the gym
and the grocery store.

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If you don't have something like that,

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you can wear
an "ovary ova-achiever" button

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or a "testicle having a ball" button.

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They will be in the lobby at the end
of the day, that you can pick up.

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I have gifts for all of you.

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You can also get your doctors and nurses
to change the waiting room.

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They often say that they're asked
sex questions that they can't answer,

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or don't have the time to answer.

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I say add some good quality
sex books to the waiting room.

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Change the posters in the bathroom
away from botox and vein treatments,

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to a "Grab Your Gonads"
testicular self-exam poster,

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or a poster celebrating
the diversity of women's genitals.

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Make space for sex.

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Here I started the Bloomington Sex Salon
that brings sex researchers

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into the community, into bars and cafes.

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A local restaurant sometimes gets cheeky
with their menu items,

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including the French Tickler.
That's from FARM.

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Support the sex arts. From left to right,
is my Etsy-bought uterus-doll,

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vulva lapel pins
from a local handmade market,

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a clay vulva man that a student made,

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and a sperm-shaped salt shaker
that I picked up in Argentina.

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Put it on the Thanksgiving table.

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And finally, embrace real sex and bodies.

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Check out Cindy Gallop's "Make Love,
Not Porn" website and TED talk,

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watch shows like Lena Dunham's Girls,

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and check out makesexnormal.tumblr.com —
the new site launched this week

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that encourages people to send in photos
showing what they do to make sex normal.

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Now recently our research team
asked people what they like about sex.

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A man said:

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"It's a very pleasant habit we started 40
years ago. It makes the marriage better."

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(Laughter)

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A woman said "Feeling completely loved,
like I was the only person in the world

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he wanted to be with."

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Another woman said "Before my husband
passed he just made me feel good.

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I miss the way he would make me feel."

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And a man said "Makes you feel
like your life is worth a little bit."

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So yeah, sex in all of its ups and downs,
and ebbs and flows,

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and having it,
and not having it sometimes,

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all of that is part of the normal
human experience of sexuality.

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It is a normal part of life,

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I just think we have to go out
and make it normal.

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Now I have a professional stake
in this for sure,

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because I believe
that if we make it normal,

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if we help people to become
more comfortable,

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that people will more easily report
sexual assaults and rapes,

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they'll more easily talk about
STIs and STI-testing,

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they'll more easily talk about love,

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intimacy and connection
with their partners.

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But I also have a personal stake in this.

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And this is that, like many of you,

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I know the sadness, and pain,
and frustration of relationship problems,

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when two people can't talk about sex.

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I also know the joys, and the intimacy,
and the pleasure

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that comes with relationships,
when two people can talk about sex.

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The other personal stake for me is that,

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when I think of 13-year-old girls
riding bikes,

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rather than thinking of them secretly
buying tampons, crossing busy streets,

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disobeying their parents,

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I wish for them a world,
in which they're riding their bikes

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to a friend's house,

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feeling the freedom that comes
with being young, and out on your own.

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Because for them,
they will be living in a world

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where sex, and bodies,
and periods and puberty are totally normal

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because all of you and I made it normal.

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Thank you.

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(Applause)