The story of sunflower LGBT | Chen Yan | TEDxXiHuWomen

As a woman yearning for marriage and children changing into a LGBT practitioner, Chen Yan shares her self-struggling, emotions and social identification experiences. She believes that sexual diversities should be the stepping stone rather than shame in life; and explains how an inclusive and diversified society could bring pride and hope to people.

My speech might sound like a drama,
or a little bit like a romance novel,

but it is really a tortuous process
of metamorphosis in my short life so far.

When I first heard about the word "gay,"
this image popped into my mind.

I could hardly image how gays make love,
especially the lesbians.

Growing up in a traditional family,
I felt that a woman should be with a man -

Fall in love, get married, have children,
work and do housework.

So since junior high, I set out
to find my future home,

known as "puppy love."

But the openness to family education
brings me a lovely experience.

I love watching movies.

When the Internet was not censored,

a girl recommended me a movie,

and it inspired me immensely.

I understood a woman
can live with another woman,

and women don't need men,

not only in life, but also in sex.

But the girl who recommended me the movie

did not bring much change
to my life at that time,

because she inspired me but not herself.

Then she left me in a torturing way.

It was a terrible
unrequited love experience,

and she was like a bright
and attractive star, exuding charms.

But my life goal remained the same,

which was to seek out a future husband.

When I was in sophomore year,

I met a guy.

He was very handsome,
had good personality and temper.

I felt he could satisfy my dream
of becoming a housewife,

and the days of falling in love,
getting married, going to work

and doing housework
was laid out in front of me.

I finally found a tall,
rich and handsome guy.

I was lucky that my years of efforts
didn't go to waste.

So please don't crush those kids
with a puppy love dream.

Emotional intelligence should be
developed from childhood.

I was in a relationship with him,
when one day,

the star came back to my life again.

She came to visit me in Hangzhou,

and we were like best friends again.

We excitedly talked and talked
for a whole night.

She told me
she had a girlfriend in college,

faced the fact that she was a lesbian;

I told her that I finally
found a boyfriend,

and decided to settle down.

We chatted a lot about high school,

and about the college life
that was unknown to us.

That night, the old feelings came back.

Although feeling the guilt of betrayal,

I followed my heart,
and did what my body told me to do.

We kissed and I had sex with a woman
for the first time.

I felt a rich satisfaction in my heart.

At the last night of her visit,

I vented out all the pain and worries
that I had felt in the past,

crying and hugging her
as I was talking to her.

She told me that night that she loves me.

And I replied, "I loved you."

But after that night,

we started a tight relationship.

I told my boyfriend everything;

I told him stories about that girl,

and the happiness of our reunion,

but I skipped the "details."

I kept a long distance relationship
with my girlfriend,

and we contacted each other frequently.

They still loved me as before,

and it made me happier and happier.

The love from two people,

made me more blessed.

But because of this

covert love,

and the despicable behavior
of dating two people at the same time,

I felt very distressed,

especially when I was dating a boy
and a girl at the same time.

I really did not know what to do.

One day I cleared up my thoughts,

and I posted the whole story online

so that a friend of mine
could give me advice,

or just to unbosom myself,

just to vent.

But my boyfriend saw the post.

That night my boyfriend and that girl

called me and texted me respectively,

and we went on arguing, stop arguing
and arguing again.

I told my boyfriend,

I did not want to give up the girl,

I didn't want to experience
her leaving me again.

And I told the girl that this boy
made me want to settle down,

and I wanted to stop looking elsewhere.

In the end,

the girl said she would wait for me,

and she couldn't keep our love secret
as she was in a relationship at that time.

So she broke up with her girlfriend.

She loved me that much,

so she decided to be with me.

And my boyfriend told me that

he waited years for me
to fall in love with him,

so he would not give up.

He said, "Let's stop arguing.

I really love you."

At that time, I couldn't even understand
the two relationships I had.

The two of them would appear in dreams.

When I closed my eyes,
their faces came together or got apart,

but they were just there
at the same time.

I really didn't understand
what was happening to me at that time.

Some people said I was not loyal,

and this was an act of betrayal.

But after they knew about each other,

they still chose to be with me.

I found many excuses for myself,

and I felt unbelievable.

I wanted to marry my boyfriend,

and I also wanted
to be with the girl forever.

It was interesting that
once I had dinner with my parents,

and my father asked me if I was a lesbian.

My mother then added that
there are many bisexuals nowadays.

And I thought, "Wow, I didn't know
my mom was so open-minded."

But after I swang between
two relationships,

I decided to go against the norm,
and be with the girl.

My boyfriend went to the US
for further studies afterwards.

And the love triangle
lasted for about one and half years.

To me, maybe the sense of belonging
was more important than material needs.

At that time I really loved my girl more,

both mentally and physically.

So I was with girl like this.

During that time, I tried
to know more about bisexual people.

I wanted to understand

what the special feeling was about,

and then I read many stories
about bisexuals.

Some people liked boys first,
then fell for girls.

Some liked a boy, and then dated a girl.

So it's not like what other people said,

that bisexuals have multiple choices --

more choices than straight and gay people.

But many bisexual people
have self identification issues.

They are like me,

kept struggling to understand why
my feelings are different from others,

and why it would be like this.

But their trouble made me feel clear.

I felt that everyone's love experiences
are different,

may it be men with men,
women and women,

men and women,
or women and men.

Sometimes I'd stood in front of a building
and looked at the windows,

thinking that there must be
different stories behind each window.

I thought, "So why am I bothering myself
with what I'm feeling?

There are so many
productive things to do."

So I made peace with my feelings.

I knew I was just an exception,

someone that would like
to share my love stories.

So I should try to live well!

The rest doesn't matter.

The love struggles in the past
should be the stepping stones of life,

rather than shame.

I believe that women should love bravely.

Loving a man is easy;

and loving a woman is actually fine too.

Do what feels right.

After theses issues,

I tried to understand other people
with feelings that were unknown to me.

I found websites with explanations
about LGBT in Beijing and Shanghai.

Here it is:

L stands for Lesbian;

G stands for Gay;

B stands for bisexual;

T stands for Transgender.

I found some social activities for LGBT,

and I envied some proud gay parades
in Hong Kong and Taiwan.

Why can't we have that in Hangzhou?

Then, fearlessly,

I drafted a parade plan
from those inspirations.

In the case that
I didn't know much about LGBT,

I posted the plan on website.

And then a bisexual girl I knew

from Taiwan

saw my post,

and she told me,

"It's impossible for you
to make it happen right now,

as you did't have resources
and social connections.

It was not realistic.

I said, "Fine, I'll start to learn
and build social connections."

I participated in
the Proud Festival in Shanghai,

and met the director
of Shanghai Woman Love.

She encouraged me
to start a local group,

and organized some activities.

I found the only one bisexual friend
in my bisexual chat group.

Her name was Doudou,
and then we met and chatted.

I told her my thoughts
of building a group,

and she agreed to help me.

In the end, she became
my best activity partner.

If she was in Hangzhou right now,
maybe it'd be her that's standing here,

as she also had plenty of experiences.

Of course our team was not
just for organizing parades.

I hoped it would bring hope

to the LGBT friends
that are in search of directions.

Just like when I was in an agonizing,
one-sided love experience,

and when I was struggling
with self-identification,

if there was someone or a group out there,

that I could go to and seek help,

then it wouldn't have been so difficult.

So Doudou, my girlfriend and I
built the team in the beginning.

We are all female.

At that time someone purposed us to

just build a lesbian group.

But I felt that all LGBT
may have self-identification,

emotional and
social-identification issues.

So I proposed that we should
build a more inclusive group,

letting more people to join us.

Only when we are actually unprejudiced

and diversified that
the society can accept us.

So we welcomed straight people
to join our activity,

I've always felt that only when
people accept their own feelings,

face their true selves,
join the activities

to meet like-minded friends,

be nice to yourself and love bravely

that you can be a happy LGBT.

So some of my friends wanted me
to introduce friends to them,

and I'd say,
"Join us in the activities,

and meet new friends."

After building the group,
I've met many people and gained knowledge.

I always think that there's no need
to hide when doing these things.

We participated in
the Hangzhou marathon last year.

We waved the flag in the crowd,

and I felt extremely proud.

It was like a proud gay parade
in Hangzhou,

and we also joined the marathon this year.

We even shouted slogans this year.

We looked at the beautiful surroundings,

and were looked at
by the people surrounding us.

I felt so proud.

Hangzhou was a brilliant place,

and many guests would come to Hangzhou,

so we also held some presentations.

In Hangzhou, we tried to
find some enthusiastic friends.

We invite them to the study group
go to a movie,

or go out for a run.

I don't think there should be
many participants in an activity,

or how large it has to be.

As long as everyone is truthful,
the activity would be successful.

It's to let everyone enjoy this activity,

and enjoy this moment.

After building the group for a while,
I got used to coming out,

I would tell just people
that I am bisexual.

So naturally I didn't lie
to my mom about it.

Later on, my whole family knew,
and it didn't go quite well.

My grandma neither supportedn or objected
as she just wanted me to be happy.

But my parents and other relatives
wanted me, as a girl,

to get married to a nice guy,

and have a stable life.

They didn't understand why
I chose to make things difficult.

All in all, they just couldn't understand
why I broke up with my boyfriend.

So I tried to be independent.

Maybe I'm just a girl
but that doesn't mean I'm weak.

Many people said I am selfish,

since I can't satisfy my parents' wish
of getting married and having children.

Well, if that's life for you, good.
But this is my life.

Someone asked me if
my girlfriend came out.

My girl gave a prouder answer.

She said, "I came out with the society.

My parents might be happier
if I don't tell them.

I became independent
in my company and society,

stronger and more charismatic.

It has no correlation
with sexual preference.

I love her confidence.

I used my spare time to
keep the group running for two years.

In work I was a dutiful accountant.

In my spare time,
group activities enriched my life,

and I got to know more people
fighting for public welfare,

and I tried to support them

in the effort of
eliminating prejudice and inequality.

A friend complained two days ago.

He felt so tired.

Being a grassroot group organizer,

you'll need more than 100% of energy,
and it's hard sometimes.

Because everyone is doing this
with passion and no pay.

But at the times when you feel tired,
if a friend could give encouragements,

and even a hug,
it'd be my fuel to go on.

Changing from a traditional woman
to a public welfare practitioner.

Besides my curiosity and love,

I have my friends' positive inspiration
and courage.

So love bravely and do courageously.

Traditions and moralities
are built by people,

so as long as you are having a good life,
nothing else matters.

Although, getting married and having kids
are still my dreams.

Thanks.

(Applause)