My speech might sound like a drama, or a little bit like a romance novel,
but it is really a tortuous process of metamorphosis in my short life so far.
When I first heard about the word "gay," this image popped into my mind.
I could hardly image how gays make love, especially the lesbians.
Growing up in a traditional family, I felt that a woman should be with a man -
Fall in love, get married, have children, work and do housework.
So since junior high, I set out to find my future home,
known as "puppy love."
But the openness to family education brings me a lovely experience.
I love watching movies.
When the Internet was not censored,
a girl recommended me a movie,
and it inspired me immensely.
I understood a woman can live with another woman,
and women don't need men,
not only in life, but also in sex.
But the girl who recommended me the movie
did not bring much change to my life at that time,
because she inspired me but not herself.
Then she left me in a torturing way.
It was a terrible unrequited love experience,
and she was like a bright and attractive star, exuding charms.
But my life goal remained the same,
which was to seek out a future husband.
When I was in sophomore year,
I met a guy.
He was very handsome, had good personality and temper.
I felt he could satisfy my dream of becoming a housewife,
and the days of falling in love, getting married, going to work
and doing housework was laid out in front of me.
I finally found a tall, rich and handsome guy.
I was lucky that my years of efforts didn't go to waste.
So please don't crush those kids with a puppy love dream.
Emotional intelligence should be developed from childhood.
I was in a relationship with him, when one day,
the star came back to my life again.
She came to visit me in Hangzhou,
and we were like best friends again.
We excitedly talked and talked for a whole night.
She told me she had a girlfriend in college,
faced the fact that she was a lesbian;
I told her that I finally found a boyfriend,
and decided to settle down.
We chatted a lot about high school,
and about the college life that was unknown to us.
That night, the old feelings came back.
Although feeling the guilt of betrayal,
I followed my heart, and did what my body told me to do.
We kissed and I had sex with a woman for the first time.
I felt a rich satisfaction in my heart.
At the last night of her visit,
I vented out all the pain and worries that I had felt in the past,
crying and hugging her as I was talking to her.
She told me that night that she loves me.
And I replied, "I loved you."
But after that night,
we started a tight relationship.
I told my boyfriend everything;
I told him stories about that girl,
and the happiness of our reunion,
but I skipped the "details."
I kept a long distance relationship with my girlfriend,
and we contacted each other frequently.
They still loved me as before,
and it made me happier and happier.
The love from two people,
made me more blessed.
But because of this
covert love,
and the despicable behavior of dating two people at the same time,
I felt very distressed,
especially when I was dating a boy and a girl at the same time.
I really did not know what to do.
One day I cleared up my thoughts,
and I posted the whole story online
so that a friend of mine could give me advice,
or just to unbosom myself,
just to vent.
But my boyfriend saw the post.
That night my boyfriend and that girl
called me and texted me respectively,
and we went on arguing, stop arguing and arguing again.
I told my boyfriend,
I did not want to give up the girl,
I didn't want to experience her leaving me again.
And I told the girl that this boy made me want to settle down,
and I wanted to stop looking elsewhere.
In the end,
the girl said she would wait for me,
and she couldn't keep our love secret as she was in a relationship at that time.
So she broke up with her girlfriend.
She loved me that much,
so she decided to be with me.
And my boyfriend told me that
he waited years for me to fall in love with him,
so he would not give up.
He said, "Let's stop arguing.
I really love you."
At that time, I couldn't even understand the two relationships I had.
The two of them would appear in dreams.
When I closed my eyes, their faces came together or got apart,
but they were just there at the same time.
I really didn't understand what was happening to me at that time.
Some people said I was not loyal,
and this was an act of betrayal.
But after they knew about each other,
they still chose to be with me.
I found many excuses for myself,
and I felt unbelievable.
I wanted to marry my boyfriend,
and I also wanted to be with the girl forever.
It was interesting that once I had dinner with my parents,
and my father asked me if I was a lesbian.
My mother then added that there are many bisexuals nowadays.
And I thought, "Wow, I didn't know my mom was so open-minded."
But after I swang between two relationships,
I decided to go against the norm, and be with the girl.
My boyfriend went to the US for further studies afterwards.
And the love triangle lasted for about one and half years.
To me, maybe the sense of belonging was more important than material needs.
At that time I really loved my girl more,
both mentally and physically.
So I was with girl like this.
During that time, I tried to know more about bisexual people.
I wanted to understand
what the special feeling was about,
and then I read many stories about bisexuals.
Some people liked boys first, then fell for girls.
Some liked a boy, and then dated a girl.
So it's not like what other people said,
that bisexuals have multiple choices --
more choices than straight and gay people.
But many bisexual people have self identification issues.
They are like me,
kept struggling to understand why my feelings are different from others,
and why it would be like this.
But their trouble made me feel clear.
I felt that everyone's love experiences are different,
may it be men with men, women and women,
men and women, or women and men.
Sometimes I'd stood in front of a building and looked at the windows,
thinking that there must be different stories behind each window.
I thought, "So why am I bothering myself with what I'm feeling?
There are so many productive things to do."
So I made peace with my feelings.
I knew I was just an exception,
someone that would like to share my love stories.
So I should try to live well!
The rest doesn't matter.
The love struggles in the past should be the stepping stones of life,
rather than shame.
I believe that women should love bravely.
Loving a man is easy;
and loving a woman is actually fine too.
Do what feels right.
After theses issues,
I tried to understand other people with feelings that were unknown to me.
I found websites with explanations about LGBT in Beijing and Shanghai.
Here it is:
L stands for Lesbian;
G stands for Gay;
B stands for bisexual;
T stands for Transgender.
I found some social activities for LGBT,
and I envied some proud gay parades in Hong Kong and Taiwan.
Why can't we have that in Hangzhou?
Then, fearlessly,
I drafted a parade plan from those inspirations.
In the case that I didn't know much about LGBT,
I posted the plan on website.
And then a bisexual girl I knew
from Taiwan
saw my post,
and she told me,
"It's impossible for you to make it happen right now,
as you did't have resources and social connections.
It was not realistic.
I said, "Fine, I'll start to learn and build social connections."
I participated in the Proud Festival in Shanghai,
and met the director of Shanghai Woman Love.
She encouraged me to start a local group,
and organized some activities.
I found the only one bisexual friend in my bisexual chat group.
Her name was Doudou, and then we met and chatted.
I told her my thoughts of building a group,
and she agreed to help me.
In the end, she became my best activity partner.
If she was in Hangzhou right now, maybe it'd be her that's standing here,
as she also had plenty of experiences.
Of course our team was not just for organizing parades.
I hoped it would bring hope
to the LGBT friends that are in search of directions.
Just like when I was in an agonizing, one-sided love experience,
and when I was struggling with self-identification,
if there was someone or a group out there,
that I could go to and seek help,
then it wouldn't have been so difficult.
So Doudou, my girlfriend and I built the team in the beginning.
We are all female.
At that time someone purposed us to
just build a lesbian group.
But I felt that all LGBT may have self-identification,
emotional and social-identification issues.
So I proposed that we should build a more inclusive group,
letting more people to join us.
Only when we are actually unprejudiced
and diversified that the society can accept us.
So we welcomed straight people to join our activity,
I've always felt that only when people accept their own feelings,
face their true selves, join the activities
to meet like-minded friends,
be nice to yourself and love bravely
that you can be a happy LGBT.
So some of my friends wanted me to introduce friends to them,
and I'd say, "Join us in the activities,
and meet new friends."
After building the group, I've met many people and gained knowledge.
I always think that there's no need to hide when doing these things.
We participated in the Hangzhou marathon last year.
We waved the flag in the crowd,
and I felt extremely proud.
It was like a proud gay parade in Hangzhou,
and we also joined the marathon this year.
We even shouted slogans this year.
We looked at the beautiful surroundings,
and were looked at by the people surrounding us.
I felt so proud.
Hangzhou was a brilliant place,
and many guests would come to Hangzhou,
so we also held some presentations.
In Hangzhou, we tried to find some enthusiastic friends.
We invite them to the study group go to a movie,
or go out for a run.
I don't think there should be many participants in an activity,
or how large it has to be.
As long as everyone is truthful, the activity would be successful.
It's to let everyone enjoy this activity,
and enjoy this moment.
After building the group for a while, I got used to coming out,
I would tell just people that I am bisexual.
So naturally I didn't lie to my mom about it.
Later on, my whole family knew, and it didn't go quite well.
My grandma neither supportedn or objected as she just wanted me to be happy.
But my parents and other relatives wanted me, as a girl,
to get married to a nice guy,
and have a stable life.
They didn't understand why I chose to make things difficult.
All in all, they just couldn't understand why I broke up with my boyfriend.
So I tried to be independent.
Maybe I'm just a girl but that doesn't mean I'm weak.
Many people said I am selfish,
since I can't satisfy my parents' wish of getting married and having children.
Well, if that's life for you, good. But this is my life.
Someone asked me if my girlfriend came out.
My girl gave a prouder answer.
She said, "I came out with the society.
My parents might be happier if I don't tell them.
I became independent in my company and society,
stronger and more charismatic.
It has no correlation with sexual preference.
I love her confidence.
I used my spare time to keep the group running for two years.
In work I was a dutiful accountant.
In my spare time, group activities enriched my life,
and I got to know more people fighting for public welfare,
and I tried to support them
in the effort of eliminating prejudice and inequality.
A friend complained two days ago.
He felt so tired.
Being a grassroot group organizer,
you'll need more than 100% of energy, and it's hard sometimes.
Because everyone is doing this with passion and no pay.
But at the times when you feel tired, if a friend could give encouragements,
and even a hug, it'd be my fuel to go on.
Changing from a traditional woman to a public welfare practitioner.
Besides my curiosity and love,
I have my friends' positive inspiration and courage.
So love bravely and do courageously.
Traditions and moralities are built by people,
so as long as you are having a good life, nothing else matters.
Although, getting married and having kids are still my dreams.
Thanks.
(Applause)