[TRANSLATED] Eastern Philosophers vs Western Philosophers. Epic Rap Battles of History. [CC]

I'm coming off the Acropolis

to start some pandemonium

don't bring limp raps

to a pimp slap symposium

the mad gadfly

philosophy was my invention

rolling with the flyest nihilist

and me their French henchman

we've got the wisdom

and the wit

that even I couldn't question

dropping Western medicine

on these East infections

it's evident

you've never been

our type of mental brethren

we're better thinkers

better speakers

better lovers

better men

This type of arrogance

is sure to be expected

from men who speak of wisdom

with no clue of what respect is

you Westerners are sloppy

needing discipline in life

you lack control of yourselves

and of the mic

while we use precise strikes

to disrupt your concentration

hand you an ass whipping

our descendants

will honor for generations

we filled a nation

with patience

and the presence

for living

and you'll never hold a candle

to the wisdom

we've

written

Oh, I'll give you something

you can bow and kowtow to

when I squat down and squeeze out

a Tao of Pooh on Lao Tzu

you need to take control

of the life you're given

they call me Ubermensch

cause I'm so driven

and I'm a free thinker

so confronting conformists like you

it's my job

got a sharp wit like a spit

that'll skewer you

like a Confu-shish kebab

you flubbed the mission

I'm beating your submissive ass

into submission

dishing out more disses

than letters and pamphlets and plays

I've been publishing

now that we've covered the two

Yin and Yang twins

I can move on to Jackie Chan

Sun Tzu I'll be picking apart your Wu

with my method, man

the seminal general

isn't so tough on the mic

all your men must be like

yo what happened?

you're pitiful lyrically

lucky for history

you didn't author The Art of Rapping

Bitch I wrote the Art of War

so you better get your guns out

these white boys getting burned

cause guess what

now the Sun's out

Asians spitting sick

but no this isn't SARS

Laozi kick the beat

now Confucius drop some bars

let me be Candide with you Voltaire

French drip with the egg noodle hair

your ego's just so distracting

free speech doesn't mean just keep yapping

and you killed God so I gotta ask

did he die of shame

when he made your mustache?

you tried to plant a new German psyche

but you just grew hate

me no Third Reichy

and it all starts with you

you're the father Socrates

honestly I think you owe

both of your students here an apology

I wouldn't exactly call myself

a student of this plebe

don't make Nietzsche come over

and put a knee up in your chi

cause I'm

N-I-E-T-Z-S-C-H-E

and I'll end any mother fucker

like my name in a spelling bee

plebe bitch?

I'm toxic like a hemlock sip

hang a sandal on the door

cause you can suck Soc's dick

sacré bleu Socrates

you're making things a little tense

come let's blind these Chinese heinies

with some shiny bright enlightenment

I'll not be taught camaraderie

from a frog who rigged the lottery

you make a mockery of ethics

so keep your fat nose in your coffee

let me be frank

don't start beef with the Frank

who hangs with B. Franks

giving ladies beef franks

I have turned them on themselves

their chaos is our opportunity

we must remember

a bowl is most useful when it is empty

Laozi I don't mean no disrespect

but you need to fill your bowl

with some shit that makes some sense

oh you don't wanna stand

in the path of Lao Tzu today

I'll make you move bitch

get out the way

yo, where in the tradition

of rap battles is it written

that two dudes on the same team

should squabble

like some clucking chickens

man Confucius

you always try to put

something in its place

why don't you tell your eyebrows

they need to fit better on your face

okay I see

you wanna make it like that?

I'll smack that warmongering head

out of your to go box hat

so here's the real golden rule

I'm way above you weak rookies

Confucius say

you can all hold these fortune cookies

What is winning?

Who is next?

You decide