Masturbation Talk

>> All right, listen closely, I'm
not going to beat around the bush.

Your little body is changing.

It's all good, believe me.

Problem now is every time we jerk
the gherkin, we end up with a lot

of unwanted sticky white stuff everywhere.

Right? Right.

So first order of business, no more socks.

They're expensive, gumming
up the works, plumbing-wise.

Now you might be thinking to yourself, "But
Uncle Andy, what do I do with all the pearl jam

if I can't spew it into Mr. Sock?"

Glad you asked.

You can have a lovely time tugging
the Tiger in the shower each morning.

That eliminates the need for a goo glove,
but the day is long, masturbation is fun.

So unless we want to take four
or five showers every day,

we're going to need some other options here.

So let's start with the basics.

Tissues, perfectly acceptable
backstop for all that creamy Italian.

They can be rough and dry on such soft,
sensitive skin, not to mention they can stick

to your dickhead like a fucking band-aid.

Ouch. From there, we move on to more lubricative
flack catchers, specifically bananas.

Step one, peel the banana.

Step two, slip the peel over your
Andy Johnson, start pitching.

Now, for extra credit, warm up the
peel in the microwave - not too hot.

Serious yowzah.

Also, olive oil, moisturizer, honey,
spit, butter, hair conditioner,

and Vaseline can all be used for lube.

In my opinion, the best lube is lube.

So save your allowance, invest in some soon.

All right, moving on.

When you tug your Thomas on the
toilet, shoot right into the bowl.

In bed, a soft t-shirt, perhaps a
downy hand towel of your very own

that you don't mind tossing after tossing.

There's no such thing as polishing
the raised scepter of love too much.

It reduces stress, it enhances immune function.

Also, practice makes perfect.

So work on your control now
while you're a solo artist,

you'll be playing some long
happy duets in the future.

All right, class dismissed.

Hey, homework.

[ Music ]