0:00:05.626,0:00:07.966
>> All right, listen closely, I'm[br]not going to beat around the bush.

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Your little body is changing.

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It's all good, believe me.

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Problem now is every time we jerk[br]the gherkin, we end up with a lot

0:00:17.216,0:00:20.066
of unwanted sticky white stuff everywhere.

0:00:20.226,0:00:20.676
Right? Right.

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So first order of business, no more socks.

0:00:24.316,0:00:27.376
They're expensive, gumming[br]up the works, plumbing-wise.

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Now you might be thinking to yourself, "But[br]Uncle Andy, what do I do with all the pearl jam

0:00:31.336,0:00:32.946
if I can't spew it into Mr. Sock?"

0:00:33.156,0:00:33.936
Glad you asked.

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You can have a lovely time tugging[br]the Tiger in the shower each morning.

0:00:37.206,0:00:42.706
That eliminates the need for a goo glove,[br]but the day is long, masturbation is fun.

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So unless we want to take four[br]or five showers every day,

0:00:45.586,0:00:47.086
we're going to need some other options here.

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So let's start with the basics.

0:00:49.676,0:00:54.176
Tissues, perfectly acceptable[br]backstop for all that creamy Italian.

0:00:54.346,0:00:58.506
They can be rough and dry on such soft,[br]sensitive skin, not to mention they can stick

0:00:58.506,0:01:00.126
to your dickhead like a fucking band-aid.

0:01:00.346,0:01:06.926
Ouch. From there, we move on to more lubricative[br]flack catchers, specifically bananas.

0:01:07.116,0:01:08.636
Step one, peel the banana.

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Step two, slip the peel over your[br]Andy Johnson, start pitching.

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Now, for extra credit, warm up the[br]peel in the microwave - not too hot.

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Serious yowzah.

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Also, olive oil, moisturizer, honey,[br]spit, butter, hair conditioner,

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and Vaseline can all be used for lube.

0:01:24.816,0:01:27.606
In my opinion, the best lube is lube.

0:01:27.946,0:01:30.446
So save your allowance, invest in some soon.

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All right, moving on.

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When you tug your Thomas on the[br]toilet, shoot right into the bowl.

0:01:35.236,0:01:39.726
In bed, a soft t-shirt, perhaps a[br]downy hand towel of your very own

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that you don't mind tossing after tossing.

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There's no such thing as polishing[br]the raised scepter of love too much.

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It reduces stress, it enhances immune function.

0:01:49.476,0:01:51.656
Also, practice makes perfect.

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So work on your control now[br]while you're a solo artist,

0:01:54.306,0:01:57.016
you'll be playing some long[br]happy duets in the future.

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All right, class dismissed.

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Hey, homework.

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