1
00:00:05,626 --> 00:00:07,966
>> All right, listen closely, I'm
not going to beat around the bush.

2
00:00:10,186 --> 00:00:11,316
Your little body is changing.

3
00:00:11,316 --> 00:00:12,726
It's all good, believe me.

4
00:00:12,726 --> 00:00:17,216
Problem now is every time we jerk
the gherkin, we end up with a lot

5
00:00:17,216 --> 00:00:20,066
of unwanted sticky white stuff everywhere.

6
00:00:20,226 --> 00:00:20,676
Right? Right.

7
00:00:20,886 --> 00:00:24,126
So first order of business, no more socks.

8
00:00:24,316 --> 00:00:27,376
They're expensive, gumming
up the works, plumbing-wise.

9
00:00:27,576 --> 00:00:31,336
Now you might be thinking to yourself, "But
Uncle Andy, what do I do with all the pearl jam

10
00:00:31,336 --> 00:00:32,946
if I can't spew it into Mr. Sock?"

11
00:00:33,156 --> 00:00:33,936
Glad you asked.

12
00:00:33,996 --> 00:00:37,206
You can have a lovely time tugging
the Tiger in the shower each morning.

13
00:00:37,206 --> 00:00:42,706
That eliminates the need for a goo glove,
but the day is long, masturbation is fun.

14
00:00:42,706 --> 00:00:45,586
So unless we want to take four
or five showers every day,

15
00:00:45,586 --> 00:00:47,086
we're going to need some other options here.

16
00:00:47,336 --> 00:00:48,676
So let's start with the basics.

17
00:00:49,676 --> 00:00:54,176
Tissues, perfectly acceptable
backstop for all that creamy Italian.

18
00:00:54,346 --> 00:00:58,506
They can be rough and dry on such soft,
sensitive skin, not to mention they can stick

19
00:00:58,506 --> 00:01:00,126
to your dickhead like a fucking band-aid.

20
00:01:00,346 --> 00:01:06,926
Ouch. From there, we move on to more lubricative
flack catchers, specifically bananas.

21
00:01:07,116 --> 00:01:08,636
Step one, peel the banana.

22
00:01:08,776 --> 00:01:13,066
Step two, slip the peel over your
Andy Johnson, start pitching.

23
00:01:13,316 --> 00:01:16,986
Now, for extra credit, warm up the
peel in the microwave - not too hot.

24
00:01:17,366 --> 00:01:18,406
Serious yowzah.

25
00:01:18,676 --> 00:01:22,656
Also, olive oil, moisturizer, honey,
spit, butter, hair conditioner,

26
00:01:22,656 --> 00:01:24,726
and Vaseline can all be used for lube.

27
00:01:24,816 --> 00:01:27,606
In my opinion, the best lube is lube.

28
00:01:27,946 --> 00:01:30,446
So save your allowance, invest in some soon.

29
00:01:30,446 --> 00:01:31,416
All right, moving on.

30
00:01:31,416 --> 00:01:35,136
When you tug your Thomas on the
toilet, shoot right into the bowl.

31
00:01:35,236 --> 00:01:39,726
In bed, a soft t-shirt, perhaps a
downy hand towel of your very own

32
00:01:39,726 --> 00:01:41,866
that you don't mind tossing after tossing.

33
00:01:41,986 --> 00:01:45,856
There's no such thing as polishing
the raised scepter of love too much.

34
00:01:45,856 --> 00:01:48,736
It reduces stress, it enhances immune function.

35
00:01:49,476 --> 00:01:51,656
Also, practice makes perfect.

36
00:01:51,706 --> 00:01:54,306
So work on your control now
while you're a solo artist,

37
00:01:54,306 --> 00:01:57,016
you'll be playing some long
happy duets in the future.

38
00:01:57,016 --> 00:01:58,476
All right, class dismissed.

39
00:02:00,196 --> 00:02:03,426
Hey, homework.

40
00:02:04,516 --> 00:02:09,500
[ Music ]