>> All right, listen closely, I'm not going to beat around the bush.
Your little body is changing.
It's all good, believe me.
Problem now is every time we jerk the gherkin, we end up with a lot
of unwanted sticky white stuff everywhere.
Right? Right.
So first order of business, no more socks.
They're expensive, gumming up the works, plumbing-wise.
Now you might be thinking to yourself, "But Uncle Andy, what do I do with all the pearl jam
if I can't spew it into Mr. Sock?"
Glad you asked.
You can have a lovely time tugging the Tiger in the shower each morning.
That eliminates the need for a goo glove, but the day is long, masturbation is fun.
So unless we want to take four or five showers every day,
we're going to need some other options here.
So let's start with the basics.
Tissues, perfectly acceptable backstop for all that creamy Italian.
They can be rough and dry on such soft, sensitive skin, not to mention they can stick
to your dickhead like a fucking band-aid.
Ouch. From there, we move on to more lubricative flack catchers, specifically bananas.
Step one, peel the banana.
Step two, slip the peel over your Andy Johnson, start pitching.
Now, for extra credit, warm up the peel in the microwave - not too hot.
Serious yowzah.
Also, olive oil, moisturizer, honey, spit, butter, hair conditioner,
and Vaseline can all be used for lube.
In my opinion, the best lube is lube.
So save your allowance, invest in some soon.
All right, moving on.
When you tug your Thomas on the toilet, shoot right into the bowl.
In bed, a soft t-shirt, perhaps a downy hand towel of your very own
that you don't mind tossing after tossing.
There's no such thing as polishing the raised scepter of love too much.
It reduces stress, it enhances immune function.
Also, practice makes perfect.
So work on your control now while you're a solo artist,
you'll be playing some long happy duets in the future.
All right, class dismissed.
Hey, homework.
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