Emo Phillips - Golden Gate Bridge

>> We should all learn to love each other.

Once I was in San Francisco, walking along the Golden Gate Bridge,

and I saw this guy on the bridge about to jump.

I thought I'd try to stall him, detain him, long enough for me to put the film in.

I said, "Don't jump!"

And he turns.

You heard of the elephant man,

he had the head like the head of a horse.

My heart went out to him,

and I said, "Why the long face? "

He said, "All my life,

people have called me cruel names like flicka, or trigger, silver,

chess piece." I says, "Well,

don't worry about it, Ed.

They can't be that bad." He said, "Oh yeah? How would you

like to go through your whole life as a freak?"

I said, "Well. " He said, "Well,

you're a bad example."

I said, "Come on,

you're not the only person in this world sad over their few problems.

Don't be mule-headed. Stop horsing around,

and get down from there, you silly mini."

He said, "Why go on? In a 100 years,

the planet will be uninhabitable.

In 10 million years the sun will burn out.

In a 100 billion years all matter will disintegrate from the universe."

I said, "Perhaps,

but in the meantime, in-between time.

Besides, you're forgetting about God."

He said, "How do you know there's a God?"

I said, "Of course there is a God.

Do you think billions of years ago a bunch of

molecules floating around at random without rhyme or

reason could someday have had the sense of humor to make you

look like that?"

He said, "I used to believe in God."

I said, "That's good.

Were you a Christian or a Jew?"

He said, "A Christian."

I said, "Me too.

Protestant or Catholic?"

He said, "Protestant."

I said, "Me too.

What franchise?"

He said, "Baptist."

I said, "Me too.

Northern Baptist or a Southern Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Baptist."

I said, "Me too.

Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"

He said, "Northern conservative Baptist."

I said, "Me too.

Northern conservative fundamentalist Baptist to Northern Conservative Reformed Baptist?"

He says, "Northern conservative fundamentalist Baptist."

I said, "Me too.

North conservative fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes region

or Northern conservative fundamentalist Baptist Eastern region?"

He said, "Northern conservative fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes region."

I said, "Me too.

Northern conservative fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes region Council of 1879,

or Northern Conservative fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes region council of 1912?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Fundamentals part because

Great Lakes region council of 1912."

I said, "Die, you heretic!"

And I pushed him off.