(1/2) Fawlty Towers - The Builders (S01 E02)

Fawlty Towers - The Builders

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I deliver perfection...
and don't brag about it! :D

Sorry,
I forgot my key.

Oh, thanks...

Hello, Fawlty Towers.

Yes.

Yes.

No, this afternoon,
that would be fine.

No, it's 16 Elwood Avenue.

16, that's it.
Thank you.

I'll just put
these outside, shall I, dear?

Polly, this is where
we'll be if you need us.

There's the number.

If Mr. Stubbs wants
to know anything,

just ring, but don't
if you don't have to.

It's the first weekend
we've had off

since Audrey had
her hysterectomy.

Don't worry,
I know what they've got to do.

Somebody called
about a garden gnome.

They're going
to deliver it this afternoon.

Oh, good.
Golf shoes.

Good morning, Major.

Very well, thank you.

Does everyone know
about dinner tonight?

I think so.

But you'll be able to manage
breakfast tomorrow?

There's just the ladies
and the Major.

Where are
those shoes?

"One moment, please.
I will het your vill."

Manuel,
"Get your bill."

I will het
your bill.

Get. Get.
Ga... ga.

Get. Get.
Ga... ga.

- That's it.
- I will get your vill.

Polly... oh, Manuel,
put those in the cases.

Ah, Manuel...

"One moment, please.
I will get your bill."

What?

"I will get
your bill," Sí?

What are you
talking about?

Listen.
No, please.

"Today we have veef,
beal or sothages."

- What?
- Bangers.

- Shut up.
- Eh?

- Shut up.
- Oh, Sí, sí, shut up.

- Yes, I understand.
- Well, will you please shut up?

- Sí, sí, I shut up.
- Now, while we're away...

- Shut up.
- Shut up!

While we're away...
gone...

Clean the windows.

Oh, look...
Cuando nosotoros somos away...

What's "away" in Spanish?
You know,"away." "away!"

- Oh, sí, sí.
- No, not you.

While we're away,
clean the windows.

- Green?
- No, no. Look...

Clean the windows.

- Clean the windows.
- Clean.

- Good morning, Fawlty.
- Good morning, Major.

See?
Clean the windows.

Comprendo. Comprendo.

Oh, Mr. Fawlty.

Good morning, Ladies.

Ursula and I think
you're a very naughty boy.

- Don't we, Ursula?
- Oh, God.

Oh, really?

Going away for the weekend,
leaving us all alone.

Tsk, tsk, tsk.

But we know
where you're going.

The cat's
out of the bag.

- You and your wife.
- It's only Paignton.

Have a lovely time.
It'll do you good.

You need to get
away from things.

Well, we're going
together.

Don't you worry
about us.

Oh, all right.

You know men are coming
to do some work here?

- Yes.
- You'll have to go to Gleneagles

for your din-dins
tonight.

And Polly will be in charge,
if you need anything.

Have a lovely
weekend.

Don't do anything
we wouldn't do.

Just a little
breathing, surely.

I must buzz off now.

- "Buzz"?
- Yes, you know,

- Like babbity-bumble.
- Oh, buzz-buzz-buzz...

Polly, I have
asked you, please,

not to leave your strange
drawings lying around.

What is this
supposed to be?

It's just a sketch.

What are you trying to do?
This is a junkyard, isn't it?

- Can I have it?
- Why's it got a collar and tie under it?

- It's not finished.
- It's very good...

old soup tins,
broken down car,

dustbins, mattresses,
hoovers,

and a nice smart collar
and tie underneath.

I mean, what's it
supposed to be?

It's not important.
Can I have it back?

It's irritating.
Do you ever sell any of those?

I sell a few portraits
now and again, thank you.

I haven't much hope
for this one.

Would you give me
that stapler?

What is the point
of something like that?

- No point.
- No point?

What's the point
in being alive?

Beats me.
We're stuck with it, I suppose.

Would you give me
the stapler?

- If you don't go on at me.
- The stapler.

Sorry.

What's the matter
with you today?

I didn't get much sleep
last night.

We are leaving you in charge.

I didn't do it
to spite you, I promise.

Good, you won't feel
so tired, then.

Fawlty Towers.

- Basil.
- Who is it?

It's Mr. O'Reilly.

That's odd.
It must be about the garden wall.

Hello, O'Reilly?

When are you coming
to finish our garden wall?

We are tired
of having that pile of bricks blocking...

I told you not to call.

My wife thinks Stubbs
is doing the doors.

What time will they
be here, then?

All right, 4:00.
If there are any problems

tell your men to get Polly
to call me.

Do you understand?

Next week's
definite, is it?

That would be nice,
won't it?

We've waited
for that wall about as long as Hadrian.

No, Hadrian.
The Emperor Hadrian.

It doesn't matter.
I'll explain next week.

Thank you so much.
Goodbye.

You don't really
believe all that?

We've been waiting
four months.

Why should he
do it now?

- I think he will this time.
- If you had used Stubbs...

- We'd have had a huge bill.
- You get what you pay for.

O'Reilly's a cut-price,
cock-up artist.

- Oh, Sybil.
- With Stubbs you may pay a little more...

A "little more"?

Yes, but he does
a really professional job

and he does it
when he says he will.

You'll see.

When's he coming?

About 4:00, I think.

You're going to wear
that jacket?

Yes, I am,
thank you, dear.

You just haven't
a clue, have you?

You wouldn't understand.
It's called style.

Yoo-hoo!
They're here.

How fabulous.

Do try to be agreeable
this weekend.

Have I got
everything?

Handbag, knuckle dusters,
flick knife.

Come on, Basil,
don't hang about.

I'm just coming, dear.

Quick, Polly.

The men will be here at 4:00.
You know what they're doing?

They're putting the door
through to the kitchen.

At the bottom
of the stairs, and...?

- And?
- And blocking the drawing room door.

- Blocking it?
- So we can have privacy

away from the plebs.
Don't you take anything in?

Where's my cap?
One other thing,

when the men come,
they won't be Stubbs',

they'll be O'Reilly's.
Where is it?

- What? O'Reilly?
- Yes!

Does Mrs. Fawlty know?

I wouldn't mention it.
They don't quite hit off.

I had to change it!
Stubbs has a virus, or something.

She said you were never
using him again. I don't...

He's sending his best man.
All you have to do

is take a quick look
when they finish.

Any problems, call me.
Have a nice weekend.

If she asks me,
I'll tell her.

Thank you so much.

I've always been
a great admirer of loyalty.

I forget!

It doesn't matter, Manuel.
De nada.

Oh.

Oh, is Mr. Fawlty.

- Shh.
- Shh.

Windows, por favor.

Oh, Polly, finish.
I tired.

That's wonderful.
Hold it a second.

Qué?

Quiero subir
para dormir.

No, speak me English.
Is good. I learn.

I want to go upstairs
in a moment.

Er... Qué?

I - Go-upstairs.

Ah, sí. Is easy.

- For a little sleep.
- Is difficult.

For siesta.

- Siesta? Little sleep?
- Yes.

Ah, same in Spanish.

When O'Reilly's men come,
you must wake me.

When orelly men
come... Sí.

Manuel, listen.
When men come here,

- Seňor O'Reilly...
- Ah, when men come...?

You come upstairs
and wake me up.

Despiérteme.

Sí. When men come,
subiré a tu cuarto a despertarte.

Antes que empiecen
a trabajar aquí.

- Sí?
- Comprendo.

- Finished.
- Eh? Oh.

Manuel!

Manuel Towers.
How are you?

Is nice today?
Good.

Goodbye.

Oh, good day.
Hello. How are you?

- Number 16.
- Sí, 16,

- But no eat.
- What?

16 is free,
but not possible...

Is this number 16?

No, no. This lobby.
16 upstairs, on right.

Who's in charge here?

No, charge later.
After sleep.

Where's the boss?

Boss is...

Oh... I boss.

No, no.
Where's the real boss?

Qué?

The generalissimo.

In Madrid.

Look, just sign this,
will you?

Sí, sí.

- 16.
- What?

- You want room 16?
- I don't want a room, mate.

I'm just
leaving him.

You want room 16
for him?

Yeah. With a bath,
you dago twit.

You mad.
You pay for room first.

He crazy. "For room 16."
No room 16.

No pay,
no room 16.

Fawlty Towers,
How are you? Nice day.

What?
No, no. He not here.

He not here.
Very sorry. Goodbye.

- Hello, men.
- Good day, now.

You are men.

What?

- You are men.
- Are you trying to be funny?

Huh?

- I said, you trying to be funny?
- Not here, spud.

- You are men with orelly.
- What?

- You orelly men.
- What does that mean?

- You orelly.
- You watch it!

- Where orelly?
- What's he going on about?

He means O'Reilly.

Oh...

That's right, yeah.
We are "orelly" men.

Thick as a plank.

Wait here, please.
I go, you wait.

You wait, too,
please.

Polly? Polly?

Hello, Fawlty Towers.
How are you? Is nice day.

You again.
I say, he not here.

He not here.
Very, very sorry. Goodbye.

Wicked.

You men know
what to do?

I think so.
This is the dining room.

You are certain
you know?

It looks straightforward.
We've got to block this off.

Yes, yes, yes!

Is you again?
Now, listen...

He not here.
How many times?

Where are your ears,
you great, big half-wit!

He no here!
Listen!

Now you understand?
He...

Oh! Oh, Mr. Fawlty!

I very sorry.
Very sorry. Is you!

Yes, is me,
Mr. Fawlty.

Polly?
No, no, she very busy.

Men?
Yes, men are here.

Men are work...
you work, men.

Yes.

What? Ah, yes.

Please, which one
is man with beard?

Sí, sí. Hid... agh... ang...
Sí, comprendo.

Sí.
One moment, please.

You are...

a hideous
orang-utang.

Yeow!

...Manuel, thank you
very much.

Polly?

Polly?!

Polly?!

Polly!!

Manuel!

Polly, what have you done
with my hotel?

Polly, what have you done
to my hotel?

- What?
- Look.

Oh, it's nice.
I like it there...

Ouch!
You're hurting me!

What have you done
with my dining room door?

- Where is it?
- I don't know.

Why don't you know?
I left you in charge!

- I fell asleep.
- You fell asleep?

It's not my fault!

You fell asleep,
and it's not your fault?

- He forgot to wake me.
- Who forgot to wake you?

- It is my fault.
- Manuel! I knew it!

- Manuel!!
- Don't blame him!

- Why not?
- It's not really his fault.

Whose fault is it,
you cloth-eared bint,

Dennis Compton's?

Well, you hired
O'Reilly, didn't you?

We warned you.
Who else would do this?

- I beg your pardon?
- You hired O'Reilly.

I see.
It's my fault?

Of course.

I was thinking
it was your fault

because you'd been
left in charge,

or Manuel's for not
waking you,

and all the time,
it was my fault.

It so obvious,
I've seen the light.

I must be punished,
mustn't I?

You're a naughty boy,
Fawlty.

Don't do it ag...
What am I gonna do?!

She's going to be back
at lunchtime!

Now, wait...

I'm a dead man!
Do you realize?

You're dead, too!
We're all dead!

Don't panic!

What else is there
to do?!

We'll call O'Reilly.

He made this mess,
he can clear it up.

Just pull yourself
together!

Come on!

Again!

Harder!

Right!
I'll call O'Reilly.

What is this?
What is this doing here?

What is
going on here?!

Your wife ordered it.
Call O'Reilly.

That golfing puff adder?
What does she want...?

- Call O'Reilly!
- What?

- Shall I call him?
- No, I'll do it.

I'll call him.
See if that roof is still on.

- What are you doing?
- Stay there.

- You can't do that now.
- Hold it, hold it.

See if they've started
breakfast... now!

Ah, hello, Mr. O'Reilly.

How are you this morning?

Oh, good. Good.
No rare diseases or anything?

I do beg your pardon.
Basil fawlty.

You remember?
The poor sod you do jobs for?

How are things
on your end?

Good.

Good, good, good.

How would you like
to hear about things my end?

Up to your usual standard,
I think I could say...

A few holes in the floor...

The odd door missing,
but nothing you can't be sued for.

- Good morning.
- I beg your pardon?

- Good morning.
- One moment, please.

Did you say,
"Good morning?"

- Sí.
- I see.

What are you going
to do now?

Qué?

What... you...
do... now?

I serve breakfast.

Let's see you, then.

Sí.

- Where is door?
- A-ha.

Door is gone.

Door was here!

Where? Here?
Or here? Or here?

- Morning, Fawlty.
- Morning, Major.

I'm so sorry,
but I'm afraid

the dining room door
seems to have disappeared.

Oh, yes, so it has.
It used to be there.

I was silly enough
to leave the hotel for a few minutes...

These things happen,
you know?

I wonder where
it's got to.

Don't worry,
it's bound to turn up.

Have the newspapers
arrived yet?

Not yet, Major.
Manuel, would you please show the Major

how to get into the dining room
via the kitchen?

Is difficult.

Major, will you please
show Manuel how to get

into the dining room
via the kitchen?

Yes, of course.
Come here. Come on.

Now, look here, O'Reilly,
I want my dining room door

put back and this other one
taken away by 1:00,

do you understand?

No, I don't want
to debate about it.

If you're not over here
in 20 minutes with my door,

I shall come over there
and insert

a large garden gnome in you.
Good day.

I'm sorry, but my men
won't work on Sunday.

That's the way it is.

There's nothing
I can do about it.

How long is it
going to take you?

I'm working as fast
as I can.

It had better be fast enough.
She's here in four hours.

- Tea up.
- What?

I brewed a cup for him.

He hasn't got time
to drink that now.

- Biscuits?
- These look good.

Give them to me.
Will you get on with it?

Look, this lot here...
an hour and a half.

This one easy...
lick of paint, lick of paint,

lick of paint, one hour.

- What time is it now?
- Ten to 9:00.

All right, 10 to 9:00
and two and a half hours is

plenty of time.
Give us a biscuit.

Not until you've done the door.
Polly, take them away.

You can have that when
you've finished the door, too.

The trouble with you,
is that you worry too much.

Keep it up like this,
you'll have a stroke before you're 50.

- Stone dead you'll be.
- Suits me.

That's a dreadful
thing to say.

Not at all.
I'll get a bit of peace.

Don't be so morbid.
The good Lord made the world

so we could all
enjoy ourselves.

My wife enjoys herself,
I worry.

If the good Lord
meant us to worry

he would have given us
things to worry about.

He has!
My wife!

She will be back here
in four hours,

and she can kill a man
at 10 paces

with one blow of her tongue.

How am I supposed
not to worry?

Just remember,

there's always someone
worse off than yourself.

I'd like to meet him.
I could do with a laugh.

You'll just have to worry
for the both of us.

I'm telling you,
if the good Lord...

Is mentioned once more,

I shall move you
closer to him.

Now, please!

Mr. Fawlty, she's here.

- What?
- She's here.

Oh, God.

Quick! Hide! Hide!

I'll try to get rid of her.
Hide!

- Where?
- In there.

I'll try and stall her.
God help me.

- Hello, Sybil.
- Hello, Basil.

You finished
your golf early.

We haven't started yet.

- Where are you going?
- Up these steps.

Oh, don't.
It's such a lovely day.

Let's go for a walk.
We haven't done that for years.

I nearly forgot.
You're not going to believe this.

Let me show you.

There.
Look at that.

That's Stubbs for you.

Mind you, I warned you,

but still, a reputable builder like that.
Tsk, tsk, tsk.

Stubbs?

Wicked. Pfft.

- Where's O'Reilly?
- Criminal.

Tsk. Pfff.

Hmm?

Where's O'Reilly?

- O'Reilly?
- Yes, O'Reilly.

Sybil, you never cease
to amaze me.

Just because of this,
you automatically assume

it has to be O'Reilly.
Right

You just assume that
I have been lying all along.

Right?
I mean, why O'Reilly?

Because his van's outside.

Well, he's here now.
Of course he's here now.

He's here to clear up
this mess your Stubbs has made!

That's why
his van's outside!

On a Sunday.
That's what I call service.

- I agree.
- You do?

Yes, but if Stubbs
has made this mess

then I think
they should come and clear it up.

But there's no point
now that O'Reilly's here.

We want it done
straightaway.

There's no point
in paying O'Reilly

when Stubbs would
have to do it for free.

- I'll call him now.
- He won't be there on Sunday.

Then I'll call him at home.

Ooh! Ah-hh!

Getting a bit of gyp
from the ol' leg this morning.

Not to worry.

I've called him at home,
and he's not there.

When did you
call him?

First thing.
Before I called O'Reilly.

Wasn't that early
for a Sunday?

I called him just
before you arrived.

There's nobody there.

Yes, hello.
Fawlty Towers. Yes?

Who?

I think you'd better
have a word with my wife.

It's somebody from Mr. Stubbs, dear.

Hello, Sybil Fawlty.

Well, it is
a complete mess.

Could you come
straight round and put it right?

Would you like
to deal with this, Basil?

...you see, we couldn't
possibly manage it

for at least
three weeks.

But if you want it
done straightaway,

I suggest you try
someone like...

Oh, what's his name?
It's... uh...

O'Reilly?

Bravo, Polly. Well done.

Listen, where are
you speaking from?

She's in here
with me, Basil.

- It's partly my fault.
- No, it isn't.

Is somebody there
trying to pretend

they're from Mr. Stubbs' company?
What game are you playing?

I mean, really!
Really!

Would you believe what
some people will do?

I'm going to make you
regret this for the rest of your life.

Fair enough, but Stubbs
is partly to blame...

- Basil!
- Yes, dear?

Don't you dare give me any more
of those pathetic lies.

Oh, right.

What do you take me for?
Did you really think

that I would believe
this shambles

is the work
of professional builders?

People who do it
for a living?

No, not really.

Why did I trust you?

Why did I let you make
the arrangements?

I could have seen what was going to happen.
Why did I do it?

We all make mistakes, dear.

I'm sick to death of you.
You never learn, do you?

You never, ever, learn.

We have used O'Reilly
three times in the last year

and each time
it has been a fiasco!

That wall out there
is still not done!

You got him in to
change a washer in november

and we didn't have any running water
for two weeks!

He's not really
a plumber.

Then why did you
hire him?

- Because he's cheap.
- I wouldn't call him cheap.

What would you
call him, then?

Well, cheapish.

The reason he's cheapish
is he's no bloody good!

Oh, you do exaggerate.
He's not brilliant.

Not brilliant?
He belongs in a zoo!

You never give anyone
the benefit of the doubt.

He's shoddy,
he doesn't care,

he's a liar, he's incompetent,
he's lazy,

he's nothing but a half-witted,
thick, irish joke!

Hello, O'Reilly.
We were just talking about you.

Then we got on to another Irish builder
we used to know.

God, he was awful!

I was talking about you,
Mr. O'Reilly.

Were you, dear?
I thought...

Come, come,
Mrs. Fawlty...

I'm coming.

Dear me,
what have I done now?

That and that.

Not to worry.
I'm putting it right.

Not to worry?

You've heard of the genie
of the lamp? That's me.

You think I'm joking,
don't you?

Oh, don't smile.

Why are you smiling,
Mr. O'Reilly?

To be perfectly honest,
I like a woman with spirit.

Oh, do you?
Is that what you like?

I do. I do.

Oh, good.

Now, Sybil,
that's enough.

Come on, then.
Give us a smile.

I have seen more
intelligent creatures

lying on their backs
at the bottom of ponds.

I've seen better organized
creatures than you

running around farmyards
with their heads cut off.

Now collect your things,
and get out.

I never want to see you
or any of your men

in my hotel again.

If you'll excuse me,
I have to speak

to a professional builder.

Hello, Mr. Stubbs?
It's Sybil Fawlty here.

I'm sorry to disturb you
on a Sunday morning.

We have a slight problem
with a couple of doors

we'd like you to take care of.

When do you think you could
come take a look at them?

Tomorrow morning at 9:00?
That would be fine.

See you then.
Thank you very much.

Goodbye.

I think I shall
go over to Audrey's now.

I shan't be back
till the morning.

- Oh, Basil.
- Yes, dear?

What is that doing here?

Your garden gnome.
Isn't it nice?

Don't you think it would
be better in the garden?

Yes, dear.
Good idea.

Oh, no, no, Basil.
Put him back.

On second thought,
I'll leave him in charge.

I'm sure he's cheap and he'll certainly
be better at it than you.

Have a nice day, dear.

Don't drive over
any mines or anything.

Toxic midget.

Where are you going?

Please take your tools back
and continue.

In view of what
Mrs. Fawlty was saying...

You're not going
to take that seriously?

I thought I might.

What sort of a man
are you?

Are you going to let her
speak to us like that?

- She did!
- No, she didn't.

She thinks she did,
but we'll show her.

We're not going to just put that door
back and take that one out.

We'll close that one off
and put that one through as well.

We're going to do the best day's work
you've ever done.

Manuel, any sign?

No, no.

- Morning, Fawlty.
- Morning, Major.

- The papers are here.
- Ah, good.

Notice anything new,
Major?

Another car strike.

Oh, my.

- Morning, Major.
- Oh, good morning...

- Never mind.
- Oh, right.

Ah! You've found it.
I knew you would.

He lost it, you know.

Mr. Fawlty,
she come now!

Quick!

Morning, dear.

Did you have
a pleasant evening?

Oh, good.
Ah, Mr. Stubbs.

- My wife's just there.
- Thank you.

Good morning,
Mrs. Fawlty.

Mr. Stubbs.
This is most awkward.

I'm afraid
I have to apologize.

My husband has put me
in an embarrassing situation...

Once again.

I was going to ask you
to do some work here.

Yes?

But I was away,
and when I came back,

it appears
to have been done.

- Everything all right?
- Oh, I see.

It'll probably fall down
by lunchtime.

Do you think so?
Let's ask a real expert.

Do you think it'll fall down
by lunch, Mr. Stubbs?

No, no.

Mr. Stubbs wouldn't agree
with you on that one.

- It's a very good job.
- Did you hear that, dear?

- A very good job.
- Hmm?

None of us likes
being wrong.

I certainly don't.
We knocked through this door,

and we closed
this one off.

What did you use?
An Rsj?

No, four by two.
Not bad, eh, dear?

And not expensive.

I mean, for the Lintel.
Did you use an Rsj?

You know,
and iron girder?

Or did you use
a concrete lintel?

No, a wooden one.

But that's a supporting wall.

What?

Thanks very much
for coming over this morning...

Just a minute.
That isn't strong enough?

That's a supporting wall,
Mrs. Fawlty.

It could give way
at any moment.

Any moment?

God help
the floors above.

Keep this door shut
until I can get a screwjack

to prop it up
before the lot comes down.

Cowboys.

Basil?

Basil?! Basil!

Where are you
going?

I'm going to see
Mr. O'Reilly, dear.

Then I think
I might go to Canada.