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- Oh dad! Look who's come to see us. I'ts our Ken!
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- Aye, and about bloody time if you ask me.
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- Aren't you pleased to see me, father?
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- Yes, 'course he's pleased to see you, Ken.
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All right, woman, all right. I've got a tongue in my head. I'll do 'talkin'.
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- Aye ... I like yer fancy suit. Is that what they're wearing up in Yorkshire now?
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- It's just an ordinary suit, father... it's all I've got apart from the overalls.
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- How are you liking it down the mine, Ken?
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- Oh it's not too bad, mum...
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We're using some new tungsten carbide drills for the preliminary coal-face scouring operations.
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- Oh that sounds nice, dear...
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- Tungsten carbide drills! What the bloody hell's tungsten carbide drills?
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- It's something they use in coal-mining, father.
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- 'It's something they use in coal-mining, father'. You're all bloody fancy talk since you left London.
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- Oh not that again.
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- He's had a hard day dear... his new play opens at the National Theatre tomorrow.
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- Oh that's good.
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- Good! Good? What do you know about it?
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What do you know about getting up at five o'clock in t'morning to fly to Paris...
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back at the Old Vic for drinks at twelve, sweating the day through press interviews,
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television interviews and getting back here at ten to wrestle with the problem of a
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homosexual nymphomaniac drug-addict involved in the ritual murder of a well known Scottish footballer.
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That's a full working day, lad, and don't you forget it!
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- Oh, don't shout at the boy, father.
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- Aye, 'ampstead wasn't good enough for you, was it?...
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you had to go poncing off to Barnsley, you and yer coal-mining friends.
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- Coal-mining is a wonderful thing father, but it's something you'll never understand.
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Just look at you!
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- Oh Ken! Be careful! You know what he's like after a few novels.
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- Oh come on lad! Come on, out wi' it! What's wrong wi' me?... yet tit!
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- I'll tell you what's wrong with you.
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Your head's addled with novels and poems,
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you come home every evening reeling of Chateau La Tour...
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- Oh don't, don't.
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- And look what you've done to mother!
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She's worn out with meeting film stars, attending premieres and giving gala luncheons...
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- There's nowt wrong wi' gala luncheons, lad!
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I've had more gala luncheons than you've had hot dinners!
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- Oh please!
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- Aaaaaaagh!
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- Oh no!
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- What is it?
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- Oh, it's his writer's cramp!
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- You never told me about this...
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- No, we didn't like to, Kenny.
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- I'm all right! I'm all right, woman. Just get him out of here.
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- Oh Ken! You'd better go...
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- All right. I'm going.
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- After all we've done for him...
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- Get out! Get out! Get OUT! You ... LABOURER!
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- Hey, you know, mother, I think there's a play there.... get t'agent on t'phone.
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Aye I think you're right, Frank, it could express, it could express a vital theme of our age...
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- Aye.
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Oh shut up!
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Shut up!
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Oh, that's better.
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And now for something completely different... a man with three buttocks...
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- We've done that!
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Oh all right. All right! A man with nine legs.
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- He ran away.
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Oh... Bloody Hell! Er ... a Scotsman on a horse!
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Harold! Come back, Harold! Harold! Come back, Harold! Oh, blast!
Film & TV