Half Baked (1998) Full Movie

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(# Scratchy hip hop breaks)

Hey, what's up, everybody?
I'm Thurgood Jenkins.

It's funny,
but I can trace the entire path of my life

to one childhood memory.

My last clear memory, really.
It was the summer before ninth grade.

There was me, Brian, Kenny, Scarface
and, of course, the loveable Old James.

Hold on, wait a minute, Old James?
Old James wasn't there.

I don't even know nobody named
Old James. Shoot.

Go on!

- Why don't you light it up there, brother?
- All right, here goes nothing.

(Whoosh, brass fanfare)

(Coughs)

I don't remember graduating. My first sexual
experience - I don't remember that either.

But, man, I will never, ever forget the first
time I smoked that sweet, sweet chiba.

- Feel anything?
- Yeah, I feel my chest cavin' in.

- Man, this stuff didn't even work.
- Man!

Come on, let's get some candy
and get out of here, B.

I've heard people say they don't get high
the first time they smoke.

Not me. No, not us.

We were really, really high.

We was tore up!

- Do you guys feel different?
- A little.

How about you, Scarface?

(Raygun blast)

- And you, Kenny?
- (Slurping)

I haven't been so thirsty in my entire life.

- (# Easy-listening rock)
- Do you guys hear that?

Feels like Jerry Garcia's in my head.

Am I going crazy?

We look at that day as the day we met
the fifth member of our crew... marijuana!

- Oh, Lord, we was hooked!
- (Thud)

So now we all live together in New York.

I myself am a master of the custodial arts.

Or a janitor, if you want to be a dick about it.

Anyway, I work at this lab,
Frankensense and Burr Pharmaceutical.

They do pharmaceutical testing
for the government and big corporations.

And I am the happiest custodian alive.

# To the water... #

This job sucks.

Abba-Zaba...
you are my only friend.

It could be worse.
I could have Scarface's job.

- Heifer with cheese.
- You son of a bitch, I'm right behind you!

Turn and ask me
for a Heifer with cheese, yo!

Why you gotta make me feel inferior
cos I'm on the grill, B? Damn!

Scarface is a hyper guy for a pothead.

Sorry.

Kenny is probably doing the best
out of all of us.

He's a kindergarten teacher downtown,

which I know might scare parents,
seeing as how he's a weedhead.

Let me tell you, man, that guy does wonders
for those children's self-esteem.

- Thank you.
- I love you so much, little one.

All of you. All of you are so good.

Brian works at a new and used record
store. He gets to talk about music all day.

Perfect job for a stoner.

Lady, you want seven bucks
for a used Kenny Loggins record?

- I'll give you five.
- Uh-uh, he autographed it himself.

- All right, I'll give you four.
- (Suppressed laughter)

Jan, stop it, man.

As far as herb goes,
you can get it all over this town.

They might call it the city that never sleeps,
but I'll tell you this,

it takes a lot of fuckin' weed naps.

Free!

You can get the stuff at corner stores
called bodegas. Say it with me.

Bodegas. Yes, very good.

These places always have
incredibly old products,

but the weed ain't bad.

- Let me get four dime bags.
- I have no idea what you're talking about.

Jose, you crazy, man.
Come on, man, let me get them dimes.

The problem is they never remember you.

You have to do something extreme
to let 'em know you're cool.

- Hey, fellas. Y'all know me. Look at this.
- Hey, black ass!

- Why you didn't moon us earlier?
- It's a little degrading.

You can get it from the Rastas
at Washington Square Park.

But their stuff ain't weed most of the time.
I don't fall for that shit any more.

Then there's a delivery service
run by Samson Simpson.

When you can afford it, this is the best way.
You can get anything from weed to heroin.

- I don't do drugs, though, just weed.
- (Doorbell)

Coming.

You call them up and a half-hour later
you got a delivery guy at your house.

- (Knock)
- What a country!

You called about your plumbing?
Empty pipes?

- (Whispers) Secret code.
- Come on in.

- Highs, mediums or lows?
- How are the highs, man?

I'd say they got a piney taste, almost minty.
Notice the little red hairs and rich greenery?

- I see those.
- The highest grade hydroponics in the city.

What, did you go to weed college? Damn,
nigger. All right, give me a 50 bag of that.

- Been a pleasure.
- Pleasure's all mine.

- Tell Samson I say hello, would you?
- Sure thing.

Everybody has their own little ritual when
it comes to smoking. We were no different.

- Break out Billy Bong Thornton.
- Yeah!

Billy, good to see you, man!

All right, light it up.

Shoes off.

- Oh. Brian, put yours back on, man.
- For real, amigo. Do your sock laundry, yo.

Gentlemen...

assume your positions.

(# Blissed-out reggae)

Fire in the hole.

- Yo, who's on munchies tonight, yo?
- Not me.

I guess that'd be me.

What do you guys want?

Get some...

sour cream and onion chips
with some dip, man.

Some beef jerky, some peanut butter.
Get some H�agen-Dazs ice-cream bars.

Make sure, chocolate.
Gotta have chocolate, man.

Some popcorn, bread popcorn.
Graham crackers.

Graham crackers with the marshmallows,
chocolate bars. We'll make smores, man!

That's what I was sayin'!

Also celery, grape jelly,
Cap'n Crunch with the crunch berries.

Pizzas. We need two big pizzas, man.
Everything on 'em.

With water, a whole lot of water.

And...

Funyuns.

Yeah.

- That's it?
- Yeah.

Anyone want anything else?

Oh, yeah. Get me a box of condoms

and... what's that stuff?

We used to eat it all the time
back in the day. Pussy!

- You got it.
- Thanks, man.

And, hey...

If I'm not back in ten minutes, call the police.

If he ain't back in ten minutes,
we callin' Domino's!

(Whinnying)

Hey, girl, you hungry?

Fuck you, nigger!

Hey, I'm sorry.
I was talking to the horse here.

See the trouble you're gettin' me into?

You're hungry, aren't ya? Here.

Oh-h! Huh-h?

You like popcorn.

It makes your teeth go pop, pop, pop!

This is Buster Phillips
and coming in at No.8 like El Ni�o -

"Samson Gets Me Lifted"
by my main man! Who? Sir Smoka Lot.

Rrrrrr!

(# Rap beats)

This guy is weed crazy! Look at that!

- What do you want, master?
- Bitch, you know what I want.

(Cackling)

# I wanna talk to Samson! Fly me
to the moon like that bitch Alice Kramden!

# Cos it's hard bein' black and gifted!

# Sometimes I just wanna throw it all down
and get lifted! #

That is so cool, man.
He got the same dealer as us.

Who do you mean?

Samson!

Oh, right.

# Everybody knows in my neighbourhood
it's the bestest around

# Samson's shit is blessed
Got the whole town on lockdown

I wanna get right here.

# Legalise this shit, please! #

I'm all out.

I'm all out of food. You ate it all.

Gee, you must've been so hungry.

Uh-oh!

Oh!

Buttercup! Buttercup!

I need an ambulance, now! Officer down!

I repeat, officer down!
What the hell did you give my Buttercup?

I just gave him some candy and some chips,
some pink popcorn and some Funyuns...

This horse is a diabetic!

Arrrgh!

Buttercup, Buttercup!

- Don't you leave me. Breathe, Buttercup!
- (Pounding)

Breathe, breathe!

(Howls) Why?!

- Why? (Sobs)
- Why?

- You're under arrest.
- What?

- You dumb son of a bitch!
- No!

I'm a... I'm a peaceful man.

- I'm a schoolteacher!
- Shut up! You're a cop killer!

Cop killer? I love horses!

- I love horses.
- I love horses.

- I love Buttered Stuff.
- Buttercup! Say it!

- Butter nuts.
- Cup, cup, cup!

(Sirens wailing)

Why must you rage? Stop the hate, child.

Bail is set at one million dollars
for the crime of killing an officer of the law.

And may God have mercy on your soul,
young man. This court is adjourned.

(PA) Back to your cells. Lockdown.

(Another inmate) Good night, fish.

(All) Fish! Fish! Fish! Fish...

My weed's wearing off.

Fish! Fish! Fish!

(Snoring)

- Guess who!
- Yo, Thurgood.

Oh, ho-ho!

- Hey, nigger, what time is it?
- 8.30.

Kenny didn't come home last night.

- We are worried, man.
- Worried, yo.

Where the hell is he?

Did he just move?

"Kenny called. He's in jail.
He didn't leave a number.

"Sincerely, The Guy on the Couch."

Come on, guys.
We gotta get Kenny out of jail, man.

Hey, Kenny, how they treating you?

Let's just say I'm not gettin'
the respect a cop killer deserves.

All right, time's up. Break off.

I was up all night...

getting harassed!

- Hi, there, fish.
- See what I mean?

I think they're mistaking my kindness
for weakness. I'm scared!

Hey, Kenny,
we're gonna get you out of there, man.

All we gotta do is raise ten per cent
of one million, which, by our calculations...

Is fucking impossible, man!

Hey!

Sorry, man. I'm sorry.

All my life, I did everything right.
I never screwed up.

I fed the horse.
I didn't know it was a diabetic.

I'm scared!

Kenny, stop crying.
Stop crying, Kenny! Look at me.

Don't let 'em see you cry in there.

- Show me your mean face.
- No.

Yes, show me your mean face!

(Sniggers)

That's good.
I mean, work on it a little bit, but it's good.

- Kenny, how long can you make it in there?
- I don't know.

Maybe five...

6.30.

Man, it's gotta be a little longer than that.

But... but we'll get you out, right, guys?

- Yeah, you're out. You're outta here.
- Free as a bird.

Number nine, time's up.

- Time's up, number nine.
- That's me.

I love you guys.

Have fun, Ken.

- He looked all right, man.
- They're gonna kill him in there, yo.

Hey, lady.

Miss, is this your purse?

- Yes.
- I'm sexy.

I'm a scholar. People like me.

Give it to me. Bye.

- Hey, where are you going?
- I'm leaving.

Well, can I leave with ya?

Follow me.

- And your name is?
- Mary Jane.

Really?

Yes. So what's up with this?

- Is that your work uniform?
- Nah, this is my costume.

Tomorrow I'll be a cowboy,
the day after that I'll be an Indian.

Every day of the week, I dress up like a
different Village Person. It's a thing I'm into.

No, I'm a custodian.

So, what are you here for?

- Possession of narcotics.
- Wow.

- My father's a drug dealer.
- That must've been the shit.

- It ruined his life.
- That must've been shitty.

I don't do drugs. Drugs make me sick.

They're bad for your body.
Up with hope, down with dope!

Thurgood, come on, man. We gotta go.

Get on the train.
Toke up before we go to work.

- Yo, let's go.
- What are you doing, man?

Bouncy. Body. Is that Prell?
Do you use Prell?

Yeah, that's what I'm talkin' about!

Hey, guys, meet Mary Jane.

That's what he's sayin'.
We wanna burn one.

No, no.

This is Mary Jane.

Meet her. Say hello to her.
Shake her hand, even.

- Oh, dear, my fault. What's up?
- Hi.

- All right.
- Hey.

Do you guys need a ride? I have a car.
You don't have to take the subway.

- You smoke?
- No, my grandmother died of lung cancer.

- I'm sorry to hear that.
- All the more reason to toke up, man.

Ease the pain.
That's what I'm talkin' about.

You know, I think what they're really trying
to say is that we'd love a ride home.

Great.

- What's wrong?
- She look good!

- Mary Jane! What is that about, man?
- I hate y'all.

Shotgun!

- Thanks for this ride. We appreciate it.
- Sure.

Guys, shut up about the weed.
I don't want this girl to know I smoke.

- Yeah, it's bad enough you're a janitor, yo.
- Custodian, dick!

(Bleeping)

- Hey.
- Hey.

# It's the riddle of Rio

# Said I'm looking for brains,
good looks and skills

# Step on up if you think you fit the bill

# I know what you look like,
but looks can be deceivin'

# Let me tap the brain
so I can justify the reason

- # Yay
- # Mr Funk... #

- Is this good for you?
- Could you drop me in the lobby? Perfect.

She wanted me to say something. I had to
make my move while the guys were asleep.

I'm real bad at this, but you think
sometime we could get together,

maybe go out for some ice cream
or something?

Aggghhh-eee!

- Motherfucker said, "Ice cream"!
- Ice cream!

- Damn.
- OK.

- All the boys in the car need to get out.
- Such a dork, man.

Thanks a lot, fellas.

- Thanks for the ride.
- Thurgood!

- I knew it.
- You forgot your hat.

I knew it.

You know, I mighta came on too strong
with the whole ice cream thing.

- Let me give you my number. Is that cool?
- OK.

Don't call too late cos you know
I be strippin' in the evenings! Joking!

- Here you go. You can call me any time.
- Maybe.

"Maybe" is acceptable. It's that "no" thing
that gets me. Maybe I'll hear from you.

- Bye.
- Be thinking about you.

Dr Koplesky,
please report to Clinical Studies.

- Dr Koplesky...
- Janitor?

- ... clinical studies.
- Uh, Janitor?

Ahhh!

- Sorry about that. What is it, scientist?
- Could you...

I know this isn't your responsibility,

but would you run this down
to the supply department for me?

- Second floor.
- Just run this down?

Yes. But make sure you bring the order
right back to me. I need it ASAP.

Gotcha. I know this isn't your responsibility,
but mop this shit up. I'll be right back.

(Sniffs) It smell like... It smell like...

No... (Sniffs) No... (Laughs)

I smell weed, man.

Hey, here you go.

(Sniffing)

- This all you need?
- I guess. I don't know.

- Just a sec.
- OK.

Damn.

Either someone's having a party
or somebody gotta do their shirt laundry.

Here you go. One pound of marijuana
and you can sign for it right here.

(Choking)

I sign for this and it's mine? And I take it?

Oh, yeah!

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Some good shit.

Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you.

Look, here's...

Here's a... little something for your troubles.

- Thank you, thank you.
- Shhh.

- Let's not tell anyone about it, OK?
- Sure.

Why didn't you tell me you were into this?
We coulda been hanging out.

No, no, the Food and Drug Administration
are having us do a study

to determine what, if any,
are the medicinal purposes of marijuana.

Mmm. Wow.

If you ever need a guinea pig, let me know.

My grandpa
was in the Tuskegee experiments.

Oh, really?

Anyway, thank you, janitor. Enjoy.

Thank you, scientist. Got any papers?

No cocktail party would be complete
without the ice plant.

Hey, fellas, what's going on?

- Nothing, man.
- Bummin', thinking about Kenny.

Yeah.

I got some weed at work today
if y'all wanna try it out.

Nah, we don't feel like smokin' right now.

Me neither.

- Me neither.
- (TV) It belongs to the nicotine family

and we know it as the tobacco plant.

Well, here's a chap
contemplating a purchase...

- So y'all want to smoke?
- I'll get Billy Bong Thornton.

No, Scarface. No Billy Bong Thornton
without Kenny. That would not be right.

Use Wesley Pipes. Yeah!

They got a bunch of this stuff at work.
One of them scientists gave it to me.

Ain't tried the shit out yet,
but it smells like the bomb.

- All right!
- Yeah, man, yeah.

- I'll do the honours.
- Please do.

Yo, this shit must be good, B. My man ain't
coughed like that since back in the day.

You sure I should do this, man?

Oh, yeah. That shit made my head hot.

Oh, man.

Pass it this way. Don't break the cipher.

Hold it. I gotta give the Guy some of this.
The Guy gotta taste this.

Hey, Guy. Hey, man.

Sorry to wake you, but you gotta try this.

(Cursory cough)

I'm taking it slow, man.

Hey, who's on munchies tonight?

We should make that lazy bitch,
the Guy, go.

For real. I don't know about y'all,
but I can't even move.

For real, B, right?

It's like I feel stuck here, yo.

Like I'm glued to the floor.

(# Tchaikovsky: Dance
of the Sugar Plum Fairy)

You guys feel like you're floating?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Wanna go outside?
- Yeah.

I don't need to tell you this, but this weed
was the shiz-nittle-bam-snip-snap-sack!

Look at that!

Hey, you guys,
let's go check in on Kenny, huh?

(Kenny) You're not a fish, you're a man.

You're not a fish, you're a man.

(Sobs)

Where did that come from?

We really gotta get this guy outta jail.

You walk around on both legs,
homo erectus!

Did I say "homo"? I didn't mean that!

Thurgood! Thurgood!

I got it! I know how we could get Kenny out!

- How?
- Weed, man. We'll sell weed.

Man, you can't up and decide to sell weed.
You gotta know people to plug you into that.

- I do!
- Who?

- You, yo.
- Me?

You think I can just walk in and take this
shit? I gotta get a form from a scientist.

Well, how hard can it be, man?
There's gotta be forms laying around.

I mean, they are scientists.

What the fuck are you talkin' about, man?

Look, I'm not stealing weed.
We are not selling weed.

- We are reasonably bright young men.
- Bully, man.

There has got to be a legitimate way
to come up with this money.

We just gotta think, that's all that is.

Wait, wait, I think I got an idea.

Why don't we sell that shit
we smoked the other night, yo?

- You suggested that already.
- For real, B?

- (Number unavailable tone)
- Marijuana affects the memory.

It won't take us hardly any time, B.

- Too risky, man.
- Stop being such a wuss, yo!

- What other choice do we have, right?
- Yeah.

OK, fine, we'll do it.

- Yeah.
- We'll do it till Kenny's out and we're done.

We're not drug dealers, we're fundraisers.

- Of course, B.
- Bully, man.

OK.

Scarface, lay it on me, brother.

Check it out, yo. It's like this...

Scarface's plan wasn't that bad.

- Good night, Mike.
- See you tomorrow.

Good night...

All I had to do was get forms from
that scientist that kept calling me janitor,

- forge one and put the order in like before.
- Thank you.

Then we scraped together our money and
bought bikes to help us move the product

and then stapled samples of our weed
on the back of our business cards.

We called the company Mr Nice Guy
in honour of our friend Kenny.

Hey, you guys believe in angels or...

Man, give me your fruit cocktail.

Well, I can't.

If I did that, then I'd have to give it to you
every day and I won't get all my vitamins.

- Do you know who you're dealing with?
- Chill, Nasty Nate.

He's my bitch. Anybody gonna stab him, it's
gonna be me. You got a problem with that?

Watch your back, fish. Squirrel Master
won't be there for you all the time.

Cos next time I come for you,
I'm gonna want some cocktail, fruit!

Take it.

I'm somebody's bitch.

You gotta do something. This guy,
Nasty Nate, is after my cocktail fruit.

Everyone here likes fresh fish, then the
Squirrel Master told me I'm his bitch and...

- Help!
- Ken, listen, man. We got a plan.

- What is it?
- It's not honest. You might not like it.

- We gonna sell weed, yo.
- Yeah, great, weed, good, go.

- All right, man.
- Go!

No more window love. Go and sell it.

We figured the best way to spread the word
was to hit the streets...

and hit the streets we did.

# How y'all feel about Mary Jane?

# Y'all don't know about Mary Jane
# Mary Ja-ane

# She's my main thing

# Don't listen to what they say
Cos Mary never contrary

# Mary very very necessary extraordinary
Me and Mary to the mortuary

# Just one kiss on her sweet lips
and I become a visionary... #

Three for dinner. Ha, ha-ha!

Smoke that and get back to us.

Mr Nice Guy has arrived, baby.

He's on.

- All right!
- # I'm in love with Mary Jane

# I'm not the only one...

- Oh, yes!
- # Mary likes to play around...

Look at all these people, man!

All right, be quick.
Let's just do this and get out of here.

- Let's go.
- Let's go, man.

# Mary likes to spread her love
and turn my head around

# I'm in love with Mary Jane

# She's my main thing

# She make me feel all right
She make my heart sing...

- How did you guys make out?
- I'm out of cards.

- Me, too.
- That would make three of us.

All right. We did our part, right?
Let's just hope they smoke it.

# Do you love me, Mary Jane?
# Mary Ja-ane

# How do y'all feel about Mary Jane?
# Mary Ja-ane

# She's my main thing

# What do y'all know about Mary Jane...

- Damn, this weed is good!
- Yeah!

# Y'all don't know about Mary Jane
# Mary Ja-ane

# She make my heart sing...

# Mary Ja-ane... #

(Phone rings)

We are in business, man.

- Mr Nice Guy.
- Oh, I may have the wrong number.

- Um, is Thurgood around?
- Speaking.

Hey, it's Mary Jane. Do you remember
I gave you a ride home from prison?

Well, could you be a little more specific?
I get so many rides home from prison.

That was a joke. What happened?
I didn't think you were gonna call me.

I wasn't, but then I decided
I don't care what my friends think.

See, that was a joke. Get it? A little joke.

(Whispers) Not funny.
So, you wanna get together?

OK, sure. When?

How about right now?
Meet me at the place you dropped us off at.

OK. Can you give me half an hour?

- Yeah, half an hour's cool.
- Great. I'll see you there.

OK.

- Bye.
- Bye-bye.

(Dialling tone)

Ha, ha, ha-ha!

Ha, ha, ha-ha!

- I've got a date with Mary Jane! Yes!
- Word, yo!

- All right, man.
- Y'all got money?

The date couldn't have come
at a worse time, man. I was flat broke.

All my money was tied up
in our drug-dealing venture.

I only had eight bucks. This was gonna take
some careful budgeting and manoeuvring.

Watch the master at work.

- You look great, wonderful.
- Thank you.

You know what? I was thinking,
it's so nice out, wanna go for a walk?

- Yeah, sure. We can go for a walk.
- Good, good. Let's.

- So far, so good.
- (Cash register dings)

Three hours and 14 miles later,
I hadn't spent one penny.

Damn, I was good! And then it happened.

I'm hungry too.
Hey, you wanna eat at the Happy Palace?

- How about a hot dog, huh? Hey, what luck!
- Hot dog.

- Hey, what can I get you?
- A hot dog with ketchup and sauerkraut.

- Sauerkraut's 50 cents extra.
- Damn!

I have not had a hot dog in so long.

- Let's get outta here.
- (Vendor) Anything to drink?

- Son of a bitch!
- Could I have a Pepsi, please?

- Anything for you, sir?
- No. I'm fine. Thank you.

- Greedy bastard!
- You promised me ice cream the other day.

I know a really good place uptown.

Great. Let's hoof it.

Um, would you mind if we take a cab
this time?

Sure.

- Thanks a lot, buddy(!)
- You should be happy with the tip!

- You should be kissing my ass.
- You guys are greedy.

- Best ice cream in town.
- Spare change for some food?

- Don't mind if I do.
- Thanks, brother.

No, thank you.

(Cash register dings)

Yeah, I mean, I do miss my dad.

But he deserves to be where he is.

Drug dealers belong in jail.

Yeah. Yeah, wow. Yeah.

- Um, how long has he been in there?
- Four years, next month.

- Four years. What exactly was he selling?
- Marijuana.

Four years just for weed?! Damn!

Just? No, no, no, no. Not just.

Marijuana is terrible. It's a gateway drug.
Everybody knows it leads to other stuff.

Yeah, mostly junk food. (Laughs)

You don't smoke weed, do you?

Come on, Mary Jane. I mean, do I look like
somebody that would smoke marijuana?

- So you swear you don't.
- Yeah, sure.

OK, well, swear on this banana split
that you don't do marijuana.

What? Oh, my...

Do you swear?

Yes, Mary Jane, I swear...

That you got pretty eyes!

That's good.

That's real good.

I got some booty. I got some booty.

I got some booty. It was really good, too.

She was a giver, a caring nurturer.

She held me in her arms and it was like
I was 15 years old all over again.

- I was hooked on Mary Jane.
- (Phone ringing)

The next day, the phones blew up
like we were having a fuckin' telethon!

Everybody in New York was calling
to get down with Mr Nice Guy.

We met all kinds of customers,
like this guy here.

He's what we call an enhancement smoker.

He thinks marijuana
makes every activity that much better.

- Mi casa su casa.
- Observe.

You're Scarface, right?
I love Al Pacino, man.

- Did you ever see Scent Of A Woman?
- Yep.

Have you ever seen Scent Of A Woman

on weed?

That's the way to see it, man!
It's just whacked! Pow!

- 60 bucks, yo.
- That's cool, man.

I got it, I got it.

- Did you ever see the back of a $20 bill?
- No, I don't know, yo.

Did you ever see the back of a $20 bill...

on weed?

Some weird shit in there. A dude sitting
in the bushes. Does he have a gun?

I don't know, man! What? What?
Red team, go! Red team, go!

- Just some weird shit, man.
- You're fucking crazy, yo. Take your shit.

That's cool. Thanks, man. Hey, yo, wait.

Dude, I'm gonna check out the stars later.

It's really trippy. Especially on weed, man.

A scavenger smoker
never has weed of their own.

As soon as you smoke it, here they come.

- Damn!
- What up?

What's up, dogs? Let me get in here.
What y'all doing?

Nothin'. Just chilling.

I smell it. Let me inhale it.
Let me have some.

All right, man. Just one hit, you scavenger.
Always come around.

Can't even smoke weed in peace.

- I ain't even into the motherfucker yet.
- You know we sell this? Did you know that?

It's too bad, man.
I just stopped smoking yesterday.

I'm gonna get up outta here.
Nice seeing y'all.

Yeah...

Then there's
the "You Should've Been There" smoker.

Love talking about the old days
back when weed was grass.

In the '60s,
we were smoking shit on the street.

Cops didn't say nothing. They was
getting high, too. Everybody did it.

It wasn't the thing to do because it was
the thing to do, but because it got you high.

- Can you dig?
- I feel ya. That's why I'm doing it. I feel it.

Man, you're cool as shit, mister. I hate to do
it, but I gotta charge you. That's 60 bucks.

- 60 bucks?
- Yeah.

Man, I remember when a dime bag cost
a dime, you know what I mean?

- You know how much condoms cost then?
- How much?

I don't know. We never used 'em.

We call this kid
the After School Special smoker.

He spends all of his allowance on reefer.
Thanks, little buddy.

In the next room, his father,
an "I'm 40, But Still Cool"smoker,

is toking up, trying to figure out a way
to bond with his son.

Isn't that ironic, don't you think?

Across town, the kid's nana's smoking
to ease her glaucoma.

And it's good for arthritis, too.

We made over 20 grand that first week,
man.

Because we were stealing the weed,
not buying it, it was all profit.

But if we were gonna save Kenny, we had
to deliver full-time. Scarface quit his job.

Still waiting on that Heifer, Julio.

Fuck you. Fuck you.

Fuck you. You're cool.

- And fuck you. I'm out!
- (Feedback whistles)

Brian was gonna quit,
but they fired him before he could.

Don't worry.

Don't worry.

I'm not gonna do what everyone thinks
I'm gonna do...

Flip out, man!

All I wanna know is...

who's coming with me?

Who's coming, man?
Who's coming with me?

Huh?

Who's coming with me, man?

I will.

Jan.

Thank you, Jan. Yeah!

That's what I'm talking about!
Bully, man! Yeah!

Oh, Jan,

will you be my girlfriend?

I would, um...

- but I'm gay, you know?
- Ah.

- I'm a big dyke.
- What's that like?

Thank you for calling. Thank you. Bye-bye.

We had to hire Jan cos she followed Brian,
but it actually worked out.

She was more organised than we were
and she was willing to work for weed.

Mr Nice Guy was blowing up, man.

We got customers from all over New York.
We even stole a few from Samson.

What's up, nigger? Come on in, man.
Come on, weed man.

Thanks, baby.
Get on. Beat it. You're scaring him.

Yeah...

Sir Smoka Lot...

- What can I get you today, Smoka Lot?
- Love weed.

- Let me get a pound of your sweetest chiba.
- Something told me to bring a lot of weed!

Aw, shit.

A pound of my sweetest chiba.
Don't get no better than that.

- Can smell it through the bag, baby.
- That's gonna be 9,600 bucks, bro.

Let's see what I got here.

Come on, hang out. Smoke with me.
I got weed, got my bong out. Come on.

For you, man, I'll stay for a minute,
but then I gotta be... gotta be going.

I understand.

Man, Smoka Lot opened up to me like
I was Barbara Walters. It was ridiculous.

- He told me about his lawyer...
- He had sex with my mama! Why?

- ... his spirituality...
- God, if you listenin', help!

- ... his bad back...
- Doctor said I need a backeotomy.

- ... his love life.
- I'm impotent! Get away from me, bitch!

- Talk about a guy with problems.
- Tough break.

- I can't take it no more.
- No wonder he smokes a pound a week.

Somebody wanna?

- So now we had a famous clientele and...
- Green-eyes gonna miss ya!

- And guess what else?
- Call me next week. About weed.

I got more booty! I got more booty!

I don't mean to rub it in, folks,
but it's just that I liked this so much.

When I was with her,
I didn't think about weed. Didn't have to.

- Bye.
- She was all the Mary Jane I needed.

# When I was young

# I never needed anyone

# And makin' love was just for fun

# Those days are gone

(# Mimics slow drumroll)

# (Screeching) All by-y my-self

(Resounding thud)

- (# Shark-approach theme from Jaws)
- (Shrieks)

What did I tell you, Nate?
Come on, come on.

Come on. Come on, Nate.

- He had to stay vigilant.
- Wash off your...

Kenny's butt-hole was in constant jeopardy.

- But we were making money.
- Hey, what's up, mates?

- What's up, boy?
- Nada. Just chilling.

Hey, guys,
why is there a dog biting the Guy?

- Cos I bought a dog, B.
- You bought a dog? For how much?

It's cool, yo. He's used.
Including the house, it was only 250, yo.

You spent $250 on a used dog?

And a dog house.
Brian bought something, too.

For $400,
I got Jerry Garcia in a pouch, man.

- Who the hell told you that?
- The guy who sold it to me. Barry Garcia.

- Is he supposed to be Jerry's brother?
- No.

Actually, it's Andy Garcia's brother.

Why the hell are you guys spendin' money?
We're not drug dealers, we're fundraisers.

You said you gave Mary Jane
a pearl necklace.

- How much did that cost, man?
- Ah.

Obviously, you missed the point of that
story. Come on, guys, return this shit.

- We can't, yo.
- Why am I telling Mary Jane I've no money?

- Cos you're a fibber.
- No, because we don't have any money.

The money we have is not for spending,

it's for saving Kenny's sweet virgin ass,
man!

If you guys spend one more dime,
I swear I will bitch-slap you!

Gimme that.

Sorry for yelling

but I'm serious.

We gotta start being more responsible
and focused, all right? Let's be sharp.

- (Growling)
- Scarface, your dog is mean, man.

I know, all right.

Somebody gotta do something
about this shit right now.

Come here, doggie.

- (Growling)
- Hey, little fella. Smell it.

Hey! Smell it. OK, all right.

- Good boy.
- (Whimper)

He likes it! He loves it, man.

- Of course he loves it.
- Your paws are tingling, aren't they?

- (Panting)
- Now you're one of us.

- (Snarl)
- Hey. All right.

Get it, Killer.

- (Sniggering) He likes it, yo.
- Yeah, man, he really likes it.

- Look at him, man.
- Good for you, man.

- What did you guys do to him?
- Nothing.

Killer, kill! Killer, kill, yo!

(Barking)

This weed is fantastic!

We kept delivering the weed and meeting
different kinds of smokers, like this lady,

an "I'm Only Creative If I Smoke"smoker.

She believes weed, and only weed,
brings out the artist in her.

- Like to hear my poetry?
- Not really.

You really should.

I have killed, I have helped kill

I have killed part of myself,
I cannot change this, I

I must seek Buddha. I must seek Christ

You must seek therapy. That's what
I would go with, but that's my own...

The MacGyver smoker
is a very handy guy to have around,

especially when it comes to reefer.

- Hey, man, we're out of papers.
- Get a toilet roll, a corkscrew and tinfoil.

We don't have a corkscrew.

All right. Then get me
an avocado, an ice pick and my snorkel.

Trust me, bro. I've made bongs with less.
Hurry up!

Then you got straight-up potheads. You
can spot them by their lack of motivation,

mood swings, forgetfulness and, of course,
the dreaded low sperm count.

I don't know which category we fall into,

but I'll tell you this,
we ain't goddamn potheads!

Shit.

Then you have the avid non-smoker.

Often they'll get your number accidentally
from one of their girlfriends,

call with an order,
knowing they don't smoke weed,

and request that you deliver it.

Then when you get there,
they're all mad that it's you sellin' weed.

You smoke weed?
At last we can share everything!

Get off me, you lying son of a bitch!

- What is this?
- Looks like some sort of a business card.

Yeah, with your number on it.
I can't believe this.

I can't believe I fell for
another one of you lowlife assholes!

God, what is wrong with me?

Hey, Mary Jane,
I can explain everything, all right?

- Goodbye, Thurgood.
- Hold up. Hey, Mary Jane.

The only reason I lied to you was because
I like you and I wanted to be with you.

Mary Jane.

(# Knight Rider theme)

Knight Rider, a shadowy flight
into the dangerous world

of a man who does not exist.

- Thurgood, why the long face, man?
- Mary Jane dumped me.

- Quiet down, yo. Sir Smoka Lot's on TV.
- Cecil?

# When life is hard, I pick up that card with
the smiley face, call him over to my place...

Oh, damn it!

# And it gets you high... #

That's when things started going wrong.

Samson, looks like somebody
is cutting into your business, baby.

- Shit.
- Do you like what you see, Samson?

Do I look like I like what I see?

Who is this Mr Nice Guy?

- I'd imagine he's some sort of drug dealer.
- Go get me this Mr Nice Guy.

I wanna sit him down
and ask him some questions.

- Hey, Squirrel Master.
- Kenny.

Listen, I... just wanted to say thank you
for protecting me back there.

- We didn't mind, did we, Fuzzy Nuts?
- (Squeaking)

I hope there's some way I can pay you back
when we get on the outside.

- Better hurry up cos I get out in 11 days.
- Is that right?

(# Jaws theme)

Kenny, 11 days?
That seems a little stiff, man.

11 days, Thurgood.
I'm as good as skewered.

Ever take your clothes off
and run backwards through a cornfield?

Oof...

Hurry, Thurgood, I'm counting on you, man.
Please! Please!

11 days didn't give us much time.
We really had to hustle.

That meant taking on new customers.

(# Piano flourish)

(Air whistling)

Damn, B, I been set up.

We'll get back to that, but meanwhile
I hadn't seen Mary Jane in, like, a week.

I couldn't stop thinking about her, man.
I missed her.

I started thinking about the fact that she was
the only girl I'd slept with in five years.

Then I thought about the girl I slept with
before her.

(# Horror-movie jingle)

I had to get Mary Jane back.

(Knock)

- What do you want?
- I want you back, Mary Jane.

I miss you.
I'll do whatever it takes to get you back.

I can't quit selling it yet,
but I'll quit smoking it. I'll change for you.

- Heard that before.
- Said that before, but this time I mean it.

I'm gonna come back, I'm gonna be clean,
sober. No more weed, no more nothing.

Mary Jane, you'll see. I'll be back.
I'll be a changed man.

There's a new Thurgood Jenkins today!

I love you.

Man, that first day of sobriety sucked.

I realised something. I was an irritable guy
when I wasn't smoking marijuana.

I couldn't stop thinking about getting high
so I decided It was time to get help.

- Hi, everyone, my name is Thurgood.
- (All) Hi, Thurgood.

Hi.

I'm here today because
I'm addicted... to marijuana.

(Groans of disapproval)

You in here because of marijuana?
Marijuana?!

Man, this is some bullshit!

Marijuana is not a drug.
I used to suck dick for coke.

- (Man) I seen him!
- Damn!

That's an addiction.
Ever suck dick for marijuana?

Huh?

- No, no, I can't say I have.
- I didn't think so.

- Boo this man!
- (All) Boo!

No! No!

No!

Devil man.

Devil... 666. The mark of the beast!

No! Naughty!

Naughty jungle of love!

- The man is serious, B.
- Calm down. How serious can he be?

He wants to see Mr Nice Guy. He told me.

(# Psycho theme)

Oh, man.

No, yo!

They killed Killer, B.

Yo, Samson did this, man.

Yo, he killed Killer, man.

- Hey.
- He killed...

I'm gonna call Brian.

Let's just give him a proper burial, all right?
I'm sorry, man.

- Jesus Christ.
- (Thump)

- Watch it, man! You stepped on his head!
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I didn't even see him.

(# The Last Post)

I gotta smoke. I have got to smoke.

- What happened, man?
- You wanna know? I'll tell you.

Samson and his girls came rolling up
looking for me.

They said they'd mess me up
if I didn't bring them Mr Nice Guy.

They probably roughed the Guy up, then
started going to war with the apartment.

They had nunchucks, bolos, they be doing
Indian burns and Killer paid the price, yo.

He got the wrath.
He got the wrath of the nunchucks, yo.

- I think it's more complex than that.
- More complex than that?

You know what I think happened?

You want to hear what I think, man?

First of all, to understand
what happened to Killer,

you gotta understand
who Killer the dog was.

Now, Killer was born
to a three-legged bitch of a mother.

He was always ashamed of this, man.

And right after that,
he's adopted by this man, Tito Liebowitz.

He's a small-time gunrunner
and Rottweiler fight promoter.

So he puts Killer into training.
They see Killer's good. He is damn good.

But then he had the fight of his life.

They pit him against his brother, Nibbles.

Killer said, "No, that's my brother. I can't
fight Nibbles!" He made 'em fight anyway.

And then Killer, he killed Nibbles.

And Killer said, "That's it."

He called off all his fights and he started
doing crack and he freaked out.

And then, in a rage...

he collapsed

and his heart...

no longer beat.

Wow.

You know, I never thought
I'd say this to anybody,

but you two smoke entirely too much reefer.

What if the Guy did it?

No way. You think?

Yo, the Guy, did you kill my dog?

I believe him, yo. I don't know why, but I do.

(Phone)

Samson did this shit, yo.

- Mr Nice Guy, Party Accessories.
- Did you get my message?

- Who is this?
- This is Samson, smarty-pants!

(Changes voice) Operator. It's your sister.

- (High-pitched voice) Samson, Mama fell...
- Shut up, bitch!

You tell Mr Nice Guy
to get his Jamaican ass

over to my place at three o'clock tomorrow!

- Now, you don't want me to get ugly.
- No, sir.

- Shit.
- All right. I'll tell him.

Oh, my God. We're in a lot of trouble.

Scarface, perhaps you could help me.

Why do you think Samson thinks
Mr Nice Guy's a Jamaican?

Oh...

- I told him Mr Nice Guy was Jamaican, yo.
- Why?

I just thought he sounded Jamaican
inside my head.

We're in trouble, guys. We have a meeting
with Samson tomorrow at three.

- Where will we get a Jamaican from?
- I'll pretend I'm Jamaican, man.

Yeah!

You have smoked yourself retarded.

Well, well, well...

if it isn't Mr Nice Guy.

Welcome to my lair.

Well, now, tell me a little bit about yourself.

(Clearing throat)

(Thick Caribbean accent) Well, I be
from Jamaica, mon. Lord have mercy!

What part of Jamaica?

Right near the beach. Boy!

I think you're bullshitting me.

Samson Simpson, I stick by my story.
I'm from Jamaica.

If I wasn't Jamaican,

then why would I wear this hat?

Delilah...

get me 814.

814.

(Mutters) What the fuck is 814?

Aaagh!

I'm sorry, y'all. I don't want to be
the first nigger to die from a crossbow.

I have been lying to you.
I'm sorry. Samson, I'm sorry. OK?

We just started this because our friend
got locked up. You know how that is.

- We had to get him outta jail.
- Now, this is what's gonna happen.

- You make about 40 to 50,000 a week.
- Shit. I wish.

Well, I want half!

$20,000 a week or you're dead!
Do you understand?

20,000 seems fair.
That seems fair, right, guys.

Class dismissed.

Man, we are in trouble, man.

Jerry, I really need your help, man. Feel us!

Brian, will you stop praying
to a bag of sand, man! Come on!

You heard the man. If we don't get
this money, we're dead. All of us!

Thurgood, get your boy, the Guy,
to lend you some money, yo.

- You let him stay here long enough.
- He's Brian's boy. I didn't let him stay here.

I don't know him, man.

- (Guy, unzipping fly) Hey, what day is it?
- Saturday.

- Is it January?
- No, man, it's August.

- (Gurgle of urine)
- Oh, wow. August.

Hey, I couldn't help overhearing you guys.

If you want to double your profits,
you should go in there and rob that lab.

Tomorrow's Sunday. There'll be no one
in there. Just go in and rob the place blind.

It'll work, I promise you.

(Urine continues to flow)

Hey, seeing as how
we don't know who you are,

are you planning on moving out soon?

Thurgood, why don't you just focus
on one thing at a time? I'll be fine.

The robbery is what's important now.

(# Mission lmpossible-style theme)

(Chuckles)

Phase One is complete, yo!

All we gotta do is go down this hatch
to the second floor supply room,

grab all the weed and we are outta here!

- Sick, man! This is it?
- Let's do it.

Watch your step.

- You didn't say nothing about no door.
- Chill out, man.

I smoke weed here all the time.
This door's never locked.

- (Alarm sounds)
- But I didn't say the alarm would be off!

Hurry, yo!

You guys, wait up!

Hold up!

- Isn't that Thurgood, the custodian?
- Yeah.

- Want me to call the cops?
- No, this is too much fun.

Right up here!

I hope there's some left.

(# Angelic, euphoric music)

"Maui Wowie!"

(Laughing dementedly)

I never seen this much weed in my life!
Let's go!

(Whistling)

Get down on your knees
with your hands behind your head.

Yo, I'm gonna make a run for it, B.

Just get down, man.

At least Brian got away, yo.

My nads!

Hey, thank God, man!

Get down on your knees
with your hands behind your head.

Move in.

Breaking and entering. You got me?
Open and shut. I say we book 'em.

- You got me? We book 'em.
- Hey, wait a minute, guys.

It's not open and shut.
What do you guys do for a living?

- I'm a detective.
- We're detectives.

Oh, OK, then detect. Ask us something.

What do you know about
this Jamaican, this Mr Nice Guy?

Aw, shit, yo!

Well, I heard he's got great weed,
but that's neither here nor there.

- I mean, we can't bring him down.
- Crazy.

But we can bring you Samson.
Just ask me how. Ask me!

- How will you bring Samson down?
- Got a meeting with him in a few days.

I'll wear a wire. Hm?

All right, listen to me.
There's $30,000 in this knapsack.

Give him the 20 grand you owe him.

With the remaining ten, buy whatever
narcotics he's got around. Got me?

- You paying attention?
- No. Sorry, man.

Unless you say out loud
what you're buying, we got nothing.

Make sure you that say it and that you get
Samson to say it. No codes. No slang.

As soon as you got the stuff, or if anything
goes wrong, say the phrase "abracadabra".

- Abracadabra.
- Abracadabra?

- OK, OK.
- Make sure that you are relaxed.

- Just act completely normal.
- That's gonna be a problem.

- What do you mean?
- We haven't smoked any weed today, man.

If the three of us go in there all clear-eyed,
Samson is gonna know something's up.

- If you think it's gonna help.
- Yeah, I think that's gonna help. Got a light?

Mmm. H-hmm.

Thanks, Officer.

I just wanna say,
that was a great idea, Thurgood.

- Wow! I mean, where do you even...
- Just smoke it, yo!

If something' happens to us, could you
give this letter to Mary Jane Potman?

- Sure thing, kid.
- Tell our friend Kenny Davis we love him.

- He's in prison.
- Let's go, come on!

Let's move.

Just remember to speak clearly.
Get him to say what he's selling you.

You know, it ain't always good to get high
before you have important things to do,

but lucky for us, the cops had our backs.

- Hello, boys.
- Hi, Samson.

So... where's the money?

Right here in my bag.

- Samson, can I ask you a question?
- Go ahead.

Do you know where we can score
some cocaine?

- You want some candy?
- Uh, no, thanks.

But it'd be great if we can get some cocaine.

- What's so funny?
- Those guys... those guys are doomed!

I can't feel my hands!

I can feel 'em.

Aggghhh!

What we have here
is some Columbian heaven.

- Pure cocaine.
- Candy makes you dandy.

This is all the cocaine we get for ten G's, B?

- We have other product.
- Like more cocaine?

And that is?

(Samson) Fine China. Babaloo.

- Looks like heroin to me, yo.
- Yeah. Is that heroin?

You've got to be the dumbest dealers
in the dope game.

- You mean the game that you run, yo?
- Yeah.

Just call me Jesse Owens.

Jesse, can we get some cocaine
and get outta here?

- OK.
- Can I buy some of your heroin, too?

OK!

All right, it's been a pleasure
doing business with you.

Thank you very much for the heroin
and the cocaine. Here's your money.

Abracadabra.

Yeah, man!

Abracadabra!

"You're all the Mary Jane I'll ever need."

- Abracadabra, yo!
- Abracadabra, man.

- Abracadabra.
- Boy, why do you keep saying that?

What? Abracadabra?

Yes, abracadabra.

It's the latest thing, man. All the kids
are saying it. Abracadabra, my nigger!

- What's up? Abracadabra.
- Abracadabra.

Slim, take off your shirt.

- Samson, Samson, I hardly know you.
- Ladies.

- Abracadabra, man!
- Abracadabra, yo!

- Abracadabra! Abra...
- You're dead!

- All of you!
- Hey, fellas, let's beat these bitches!

(# Batman theme)

(Yowling)

Let's work it out.

Oh, your titty.

(Silence)

- Now, that's a titty.
- Fully, man. That is an official fully.

Aaggh!

(# Batman theme resumes)

- These are mean people. Mean, mean.
- Look out!

(Screams)

This is for Killer, B.

Surprise, surprise, surprise!

Look who's walking.

I thought you said you was crippled.

Well, sweet pea,
we're all crippled in some way.

- Put it down!
- You win.

Now, this is the way it's gonna work.

I'm gonna take your little Mexican friend
with me and I'm gonna kill him.

- I'm Cuban, B.
- Yes, Cuban B.

Is there anything you want to say...

Jerry, we need you.

Abracadabra, B!

Oh, man!

Wow!

(Giggles)

Sucks to be you, man!

Oh, man! Oh, man!

What did I... I told you he was real, man!

Jerry, thank you, man.

You're welcome, Brian.

Peace.

(Cackling)

- Well, abracadabra.
- Whoa!

- All right.
- What the hell's going on here?

- Our job is done. These guys can go home.
- You guys are wasted, man.

Thurgood, Thurgood. Nice letter.

- Gimme that back.
- Queer!

- Everybody, freeze!
- Oh, shit!

Nobody move!

The cops took the credit for busting
Samson, but that's not important.

What was important is that we cut a deal,
and Kenny was finally free. Hallelujah!

(# Handel: Hallelujah Chorus)

Which brings me to the Brooklyn Bridge,

where I had to make things right
with Mary Jane.

- Hi.
- Are you?

A little bit from yesterday when Kenny got...
But, Mary Jane, listen.

I'm done. I'm done selling it.
I'm done smoking it.

This is the last of it right here.
I just wanted you to see me get rid of it.

Could we just have a moment alone?

Do what you gotta do. Be strong.

Thanks, baby.

Mary Jane,

being with you these past 11 years
has been wonderful, but I gotta move on.

Come on, smoke me.
We'll have a quickie for old times' sake.

(Under breath) No. She's looking.

She's looking. All right, real quick.

No. No, it wouldn't be right! God damn you!

(The joint) You'll be back!

- Everything work out OK?
- Yeah.

- Mary Jane, I love you.
- I love you, too.

I know. I know what you're thinking.
That old Thurgood sold out, right?

- I'm your girl now.
- But let me tell you something. I love weed.

OK? I love it.

But not as much as I love pussy!

The End.

(# UB40: I Get Lifted)

# I get lifted up

# High, high
High, high

# I get lifted up

# High, high
High, high

# Sitting here together, baby

# We're all alone

# Now I can tell you, girl

# You turn me on

# I get lifted up

# High, high
High, high

# I get lifted up

# High, high
High, high

# Bring out the lovin', the lovin' desire, baby

# You got the match, ooh, that lights my fire

# I get lifted up

# High, high
High, high

# I get lifted up

# High, high
High, high

# I get lifted up

# High, high
High, high

# I get lifted up

# High, high
High, high

# Bring out the lovin', the lovin' desire, baby

# You've got the match, ooh

# That lights my fire

# I get lifted up

# High, high
High, high

# I get lifted up

# High, high
High, high

# I get lifted up

# High, high
High, high

# I get lifted up

# High, high
High, high #

I'm Dave Chappelle.

To learn more about marijuana or other
illegal substances, go to your local library.

- Remember, the more you read...
- The smarter you are.

(All cheer)

All right!