The strange world of perfect people | Ruth Manus | TEDxSãoPaulo

Ruth Manus talks about the messages we receive on social media and the importance of choosing what we watch and post, since the burden of transmitting an image of perfection can negatively impact our self-esteem and our happiness.

Ruth Manus is a PhD student in international law at the University of Lisbon, a lawyer, writer and columnist, and a university professor. She published the books "Pega lá uma chave de fenda" ("Take a screwdriver there") (2015), "Um dia ainda vamos rir de tudo isso" ("One day we will still laugh about it all") (2018), "Coisas que ninguém conta a um estudante de direito" ("Things that no one tells a law student") (2019), "Modéstia à parte: coisas que o mundo inteiro deveria aprender com Portugal" ("Modesty aside: things that the whole world should learn from Portugal") (2018), "Mulheres não são chatas, mulheres estão exaustas" ("Women are not boring, women are exhausted") (2019), and "40 desabafos da quarentena" ("Getting 40 things off your chest in quarantine") (2020).

This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at http://ted.com/tedx

I came here to say

that I can't take it anymore.

I can't take it anymore, guys.

I can't stand seeing so many people who
supposedly succeed at life all the time.

I can't stand seeing so many winners,
and wonderful people ...

I can't take it.

I can't stand seeing people who say
they meditate at five in the morning,

people who have their hair
always washed, tidy, clean,

never have dirty hair;

people who say they read an 800-page
Russian novel over the weekend;

people who post a picture
of a salmon filet,

with a crust of Brazil nut
"castanha-do-pará"

with mashed "mandioquinha,"
a Brazilian root from the savannah,

accompanied by asparagus in the oven,

for Tuesday lunch!

Tuesday, a working day, at lunch ...

I can't take any more people
who supposedly always succeed,

because honestly,
especially in this quarantine,

I'm just focused on surviving, right?

Currently, my biggest goal of success

is to have a day that ends
with clean toilets,

a fed child,

and a marriage that doesn't look
like the Third World War.

A day that ends like this, for me,
is a day of glory.

But sometimes it seems
like we're the only ones with problems

and who are full of flaws,
vulnerabilities, difficulties ...

the only ones!

But there's something
wrong with that, right?

The truth is that things
have always been like that, right?

People use social media
to post their big successes,

their big achievements,

not their failures.

But in quarantine, where everyone
is having a reasonably chaotic life,

it seems that more and more
people appear out there

to show that their life remains perfect,

that their success remains intact.

So I open my Instagram,
and I only see people shining, right?

Shining in physical exercise,

family harmony,

housekeeping, mental balance,

food ...

And then I start to ask myself,

"Am I the only one?

Am I the only one whose life is a mess?

Am I the only one
with clothes on the clothesline

that's been dry for three days?

But I don't take them off
because if I do, I have to fold them,

and if I fold them, I have to store them,
and I don't want to do that.

Am I the only one who dines
on frozen pizza, bad pizza?

Am I the only one who cries
in the bathroom from time to time,

or every time?"

When we start making these comparisons,

we start to feel a little indebted,

a little defeated,

and worst of all, we start to think
that normality is a life of plenty,

and our normal life is strange.

So this is the question:

Who are we helping

when we show ourselves
as good-looking and fit,

with the perfect marriage, wonderful
children, and a beautiful house?

Who are we contributing to
when we do this?

Who do we connect with

when we put ourselves
in this place of perfection,

of false perfection?

Some people already use
the term "toxic influencers"

to talk about these celebrities
who, even involuntarily,

make us feel terrible,

make us feel like nothing.

We see an amazing number
of slim and tanned people,

in bikinis, by the pool at home,
with a drink, in quarantine ...

I'm not tanned,

I'm not slim,

and I don't have a pool at home.

And then we start to get
weirdly frustrated.

So we need to identify,

especially at this time,
when we're vulnerable,

who's good for us, and who's bad.

But there's another problem.

As much as we've seen this toxic pattern

of behavior, life, house, body,

sometimes we end up behaving like that

in our networks, in our relationships.

We only externalize,

only post that picture
of the beautiful and great cake.

When the cake is bad, we don't show it.

We only show that angle of the picture
where the belly doesn't fold, you know?

I don't know because I've never found
that angle on my belly,

but a lot of people have.

Some people only post that picture
with their sweetheart on a great day,

when, in fact, every other day
was a fight, a conflict situation.

Sometimes we're the ones
who don't post humanity,

the ones who don't show normality,

and we need normal people, real people.

So let's think about a few things -
five little things ... five little things.

First thing:

No one has to be mega-productive
in this quarantine.

Everyone is distressed, tired, afraid.

We have to fulfill our obligations
at work and home, and so forth,

but do what you have to do,

and only do more if it's pleasurable.

We shouldn't be looking
for more agonizing situations.

Second thing:

No one is obligated to learn
how to cook 500 new recipes,

no one is obligated to dance Zumba
in the living room

to try to stay healthy,

and no one is obligated to learn
how to be upside down in yoga.

We have to look now
for what brings us comfort,

what gives us peace of mind.

I'll make a confession to you:
Do you know what brings me peace of mind?

Doing a puzzle,

especially one I have of Shrek.

The moment I finish
putting Princess Fiona's face together

is the moment I have peace of mind.

I think the world will be OK,

the coronavirus will go away,
and everything will be OK.

Some people achieve this
by being upside down in yoga.

I get this with Shrek's puzzle.

Some people get that frying a hamburger.

It doesn't matter.

Search for what makes sense to you.

Maybe one day, I'll learn yoga,

but I won't challenge myself
any more than I do now.

Third thing:

Nobody has to be beautiful,
fit, or great right now.

Although we see this
ostensibly on social media,

it's okay to be in pajamas,

and it's okay not to wear makeup.

Look for your well-being,
not things that generate more anxiety.

Fourth thing:

Don't find it strange

that your relationship is going
through a difficult period.

I'll tell you a secret:

You're not alone.

When we took a wedding vow,

no one took a vow to be at home
locked in with their partner.

We made a vow imagining

that in the morning we'd say,
"Kisses, honey! Good morning!,"

then we'd meet about 8,
10 hours later, and have a beer.

It was cool.

Now, enforced imprisonment?
Nobody was counting on that.

It's natural, guys, that we're fed up,

that we have conflicts,

that we're full of questions,

but this is not the time for us
to make big projections

or make big decisions.

Take a deep breath.

It's only time to make big decisions
in the case of domestic violence.

At that time, the decision
must be immediate.

Don't forget that.

Fifth thing:

We don't have to think

that life only makes sense
if it's all perfect!

Life is never perfect!

This farce of 360-degree success,

that everything is fine
in all walks of life at the same time,

doesn't exist.

Life is made up of imperfections,
and that's the grace of life.

It's okay if your life isn't perfect.

That's how we must live,

and we don't have to carry
the burden of seeking that perfection.

Brené Brown explains
that showing yourself vulnerable

has nothing to do with exposing
your private life, your intimate life,

or your problems.

Showing yourself vulnerable
has to do with being brave enough

so you don't need to pretend
to be perfect.

When I accept my vulnerability,

that's when I connect
with people the most.

On my social networks,

the most-welcomed posts
by my followers are those -

for example, one that I made
recently, in which I say,

"I've been wearing a sock
of each pair for 15 days!"

I don't know anymore
where my sock pairs are.

I wear white with gray,
I wear black with white ...

I gave up!

The successful posts are not selfies,

all wonderful, with my best makeup,

because I can't do that.

Humanity generates connection,

vulnerability generates identity,

and showing our faults makes people accept

that their faults are absolutely normal.

So let's show our dirty hair,
our sink full of dishes,

our sweatpants, our unique socks.

Let's make our presence
in other people's lives

a comfort, not a thorn in their side,

because our lives are full of thorns,

and all we need is a little comfort.

Thank you.

(Applause) (Cheers)

Audience: Wonderful! Powerful!

(Applause) (Cheers)

Audience: Beautiful! You rock! Very good!