Why you need to be a bitch | Tabatha Coffey | TEDxStLouisWomen
-
0:00 - 0:02My name is Tabatha Coffey,
-
0:02 - 0:03and I am a bitch.
-
0:03 - 0:04(Laughter)
-
0:04 - 0:07That's right, you heard it here first.
-
0:07 - 0:08So ...
-
0:09 - 0:12Show me your hands,
who thinks they are a bitch? -
0:12 - 0:13(Laughter)
-
0:13 - 0:15Oh, we need to work on that.
-
0:15 - 0:16By the end of this talk,
-
0:16 - 0:21I want every hand up and proud
in this audience, all of you. -
0:23 - 0:24So ten years ago,
-
0:25 - 0:29I was lucky enough
to fall into television, -
0:29 - 0:32and I say I fell into it
because I really did. -
0:32 - 0:36I tried out for a competitive show
that put hairdresser against hairdresser. -
0:37 - 0:38And it was rough;
-
0:38 - 0:42it was 12 weeks
living away from your business, -
0:42 - 0:44away from your family,
-
0:44 - 0:47locked in a house with 11 strangers.
-
0:48 - 0:51You were with them 24/7.
-
0:52 - 0:55It was an amazing experience;
-
0:55 - 0:56I loved it.
-
0:56 - 0:59And I am incredibly competitive,
like most of you. -
1:00 - 1:01When it was over,
-
1:01 - 1:02I went home,
-
1:02 - 1:05went back to my business,
went back on with my life. -
1:05 - 1:08And a couple of weeks went by,
-
1:08 - 1:13and my clients were all thrilled
that I was on TV and I was competing. -
1:14 - 1:16Couple of more weeks went by,
-
1:17 - 1:21and probably around four weeks in,
-
1:21 - 1:24I was in Nordstrom
buying a pair of shoes. -
1:25 - 1:28And across the mall,
-
1:28 - 1:32a woman looked and went,
"Oh, my god! You are that bitch on TV!" -
1:32 - 1:34(Laughter)
-
1:37 - 1:41I did not laugh as all of you are -
-
1:41 - 1:45I do now, but not then,
it was not so funny. -
1:45 - 1:49I was absolutely mortified,
-
1:49 - 1:50and -
-
1:50 - 1:52Look, it's not the first time
I've been called a bitch, -
1:52 - 1:54it is definitely not
going to be the last time, -
1:55 - 1:59but from a stranger that recognized me
-
1:59 - 2:04and was yelling across the mall
that I was the bitch on TV -
2:04 - 2:06really stopped me in my tracks.
-
2:06 - 2:08It was just amazing.
-
2:08 - 2:11Well, it did not just happened once;
it kept happening, -
2:11 - 2:12and happening,
-
2:13 - 2:14and happening
-
2:14 - 2:15and happening.
-
2:16 - 2:22And I went down the rabbit hole
of reading the blogs -
2:22 - 2:24and reading what people
were saying about me. -
2:25 - 2:31And there were literally thousands
of people that were calling me a bitch. -
2:32 - 2:36And to say that it was paralyizing
is putting it mildly. -
2:36 - 2:39I was paralyzed by it.
-
2:39 - 2:40Because ...
-
2:40 - 2:42I am tough,
-
2:42 - 2:44and I am honest,
-
2:44 - 2:45and I am strong,
-
2:45 - 2:51and I am all the qualities
that we all should have -
2:51 - 2:55to be a successful business woman.
-
2:55 - 2:59But I did not view myself
as a bitch whatsoever. -
3:00 - 3:03So, I had to sit down and really reflect
-
3:03 - 3:07on what happened and why people
were calling me a bitch -
3:07 - 3:11and why people were thinking
that it was okay -
3:11 - 3:14to go up to a complete stranger
and go, "You are that bitch!" -
3:14 - 3:16(Laughter)
-
3:17 - 3:20I know now that it is kind of cool
-
3:21 - 3:23to be a bitch.
(Laughter) -
3:23 - 3:25Right? Now it is kind of cool.
-
3:26 - 3:28But even though it is cool now,
-
3:28 - 3:30and we say to our friends,
"Hey bitch, how you doin'?" -
3:30 - 3:32(Laughter)
Right? -
3:33 - 3:37We "hashtag" on Instagram:
"Bitch an outfit," right? -
3:37 - 3:39We throw the word around
-
3:40 - 3:43like it means nothing.
-
3:43 - 3:46But if any of you have been called a bitch
-
3:47 - 3:48by someone -
-
3:48 - 3:49whether you know them,
-
3:49 - 3:52whether it is a colleague,
whether it is a friend, -
3:52 - 3:53whether it is a random stranger -
-
3:54 - 3:55it hurts.
-
3:55 - 4:01There is a moment that it feels
like a knife going into your heart. -
4:01 - 4:02And it hurts.
-
4:03 - 4:07The thing that's interesting,
and we talk about it all the time; -
4:07 - 4:09there are books about it,
-
4:09 - 4:11there are songs about it.
-
4:11 - 4:16If you are a strong woman,
-
4:17 - 4:20if you speak with authority,
-
4:20 - 4:23if you don't bow down to people,
-
4:23 - 4:25if you speak your mind,
-
4:25 - 4:27if you have a healthy dose of ego,
-
4:27 - 4:32if you are really confident
and really, really passionate, -
4:33 - 4:34you are a bitch.
-
4:36 - 4:41But those qualities in a man
make him a go-getter, -
4:42 - 4:43a great executive,
-
4:43 - 4:45someone you want on the team,
-
4:45 - 4:49someone really dependable
that would take care of a problem. -
4:50 - 4:52Maybe even the president.
-
4:53 - 4:54(Laughter)
-
4:55 - 4:56Yep.
-
4:56 - 4:58(Applause)
-
5:01 - 5:07But those qualities in us,
as women, get us called bitches. -
5:08 - 5:12The bigger problem to me with that
is that we do it to each other. -
5:13 - 5:15We call each other bitches.
-
5:15 - 5:19And it is not in the cute Instagram way
of "Bitch an outfit!" -
5:19 - 5:21"I am with my bitches."
-
5:21 - 5:22It is not in the cute way.
-
5:22 - 5:23(Laughter)
-
5:23 - 5:30It is in the mean let-me-tear-you-down-
and-put-you-in-your-box kind of way. -
5:30 - 5:32Because that word -
-
5:32 - 5:35and I've looked, and I've searched -
-
5:36 - 5:38there is not an equivalent for men;
-
5:38 - 5:40there isn't.
-
5:41 - 5:44And it is supposed to dim your light,
-
5:44 - 5:46and make you not as confident,
-
5:46 - 5:49and make you stop and second-guess
yourself a little bit, -
5:49 - 5:51and wonder if you
are doing the right thing: -
5:51 - 5:54"Should I be doing
something else? I don't know." -
5:54 - 5:56That's what it does to your head.
-
5:57 - 6:01And we can laugh it off,
as we are now, -
6:01 - 6:03but we still now it hurts.
-
6:03 - 6:06And when we do it to our sisters,
-
6:06 - 6:08and I mean our sisterhood of women,
-
6:09 - 6:10it is wrong.
-
6:11 - 6:14How many times
have you walked out of a meeting, -
6:15 - 6:17walked away from
maybe doing school pickup, -
6:18 - 6:20or going out to a cocktail party,
and there is woman there, -
6:20 - 6:23and walked away and said,
"Oh, she is such a bitch!" -
6:25 - 6:28When really, maybe she wasn't.
-
6:29 - 6:33Maybe she was just a little bit
more honest than you, -
6:34 - 6:36maybe she just demanded what she wanted
-
6:36 - 6:39and made no apologies or excuses for it.
-
6:40 - 6:43Is she a bitch because she has
a better pair of shoes than you? -
6:44 - 6:46Is that why you are calling her a bitch?
-
6:46 - 6:50Is that why we do it to each other,
because we are a little jealous -
6:50 - 6:52and we want to cut each other
down a little bit? -
6:53 - 6:56Because we are not helping each other,
-
6:57 - 7:01we need to promote
growth and gain over gossip. -
7:02 - 7:06We need to stop cutting
each other down as women. -
7:07 - 7:10When I look at every single woman,
-
7:10 - 7:13and I have met hundreds of thousands
-
7:13 - 7:15because I've been
a hairdresser for 36 years -
7:16 - 7:20and had women in my chair
every single time. -
7:20 - 7:24And the reason I am
so passionate about what I do -
7:25 - 7:28is because I understand.
-
7:29 - 7:31I don't understand men as well,
-
7:31 - 7:33because I am not one.
-
7:34 - 7:35But women,
-
7:36 - 7:39I understand us,
I understand our insecurities, -
7:39 - 7:41I understand how hard we work,
-
7:41 - 7:45I understand that everyone wants us
to be perfect all the time, -
7:45 - 7:47and it is really, really exhausting.
-
7:48 - 7:51I understand that when we go on a date,
or we go to a party, -
7:51 - 7:52or we go to a work event,
-
7:52 - 7:55or we just get up in the morning,
-
7:55 - 7:57there is pressure on us.
-
7:57 - 8:01And that's without
adding children and husbands -
8:01 - 8:05and all the other people
that are grabbing at us all the time. -
8:05 - 8:06I get that!
-
8:06 - 8:10So when I look at one of my sisters,
-
8:10 - 8:13why am I going to call her a bitch?
-
8:13 - 8:15It's like calling me a bitch.
-
8:16 - 8:17You are doing it to yourself.
-
8:18 - 8:21When you look at another woman,
you are looking in the mirror. -
8:22 - 8:23And let me tell you,
-
8:24 - 8:27the fact that we are women,
-
8:28 - 8:31and we can produce life -
-
8:31 - 8:35because there are literally wouldn't be
any of us sitting here without a woman ... -
8:37 - 8:38True! -
-
8:38 - 8:40is extraordinary.
-
8:40 - 8:42That is extraordinary.
-
8:44 - 8:48To overcome being called
a bitch all the time, -
8:49 - 8:51I like to face my fears.
-
8:51 - 8:52The way I dissolve them
-
8:52 - 8:56is to look right down the barrel at them
and just take care of them. -
8:56 - 8:58So after my reflection,
-
8:58 - 9:04I came up with an acronym
for what my version of bitch is. -
9:05 - 9:06And it's Brave,
-
9:06 - 9:07Intelligent,
-
9:08 - 9:09Tenacious,
-
9:09 - 9:10Creative,
-
9:10 - 9:11and Honest.
-
9:12 - 9:14And I defy anyone in this room,
-
9:14 - 9:18men or women, that does not
want those qualities in their life. -
9:19 - 9:23Every single woman in here,
and every single man, -
9:23 - 9:26we are brave; you don't need to
go and slay dragons, -
9:26 - 9:29sometimes it is just brave
to get out of bed in the morning -
9:29 - 9:31and face your day.
-
9:31 - 9:33We are warriors.
-
9:34 - 9:39Intelligence to me is not about
college degrees and book-smarts, -
9:39 - 9:43that's part of it,
but there is also intuition; -
9:43 - 9:45there is understanding;
-
9:45 - 9:48there is nurturing and knowing
when to nurture and when to pull back. -
9:49 - 9:52They are qualities
that, women, we excel at. -
9:54 - 9:56Being tenacious, obviously,
-
9:56 - 10:00have you ever messed with a woman's kid?
-
10:01 - 10:03I mean, seriously?
-
10:03 - 10:07We are tenacious;
if we want something, we don't stop. -
10:07 - 10:10What about that pair of shoes
you are lusting after? -
10:10 - 10:11And you can't afford them,
-
10:11 - 10:15but miraculously, the money shows up,
and you got new kicks on. -
10:15 - 10:16(Laughter)
-
10:17 - 10:19That's tenacity, right there!
-
10:22 - 10:24Creative is just
looking at things differently; -
10:24 - 10:27we are great at that as women.
-
10:27 - 10:31We are the best multitaskers
there are: we are creative. -
10:31 - 10:35We find ways to not only
find this money for that pair of shoes - -
10:35 - 10:37creatively, to come out of nowhere -
-
10:37 - 10:41but also how to juggle different
schedules, take care of things; -
10:41 - 10:44that's innate in most of us.
-
10:45 - 10:49And honest is how I think
we all should live our life. -
10:50 - 10:53And to me that honesty
is being honest enough, -
10:53 - 10:56instead of turning around
and calling one of my sisters a bitch, -
10:56 - 10:58is to look and say,
-
10:59 - 11:01"You know what?
I am a little jealous of her. -
11:01 - 11:04Because what she has going on
is a whole lot of fabolous, -
11:05 - 11:06and I want a little bit of it."
-
11:08 - 11:09"You know what?
-
11:10 - 11:11I didn't get that job,
-
11:11 - 11:14or I didn't get that gig
that I really wanted. -
11:14 - 11:17She did. Kudos to her.
How can I learn from that? -
11:17 - 11:19How can I be better?
-
11:19 - 11:23How can I learn from what she did
to elevate myself, -
11:23 - 11:26instead of looking and go, 'Bitch.'"
-
11:27 - 11:30That is not going to elevate any of us.
-
11:30 - 11:35That is not going to solve the problems
that I believe we as women can solve. -
11:35 - 11:38So, if you take my acronym
-
11:38 - 11:41of being Brave, Intelligent,
Tenacious, Creative, and Honest, -
11:42 - 11:46I encourage you all
to think about that in every choice, -
11:47 - 11:50and the next time someone
says to you, "You are a bitch," -
11:50 - 11:54smile and say, "Yes,
thank you very much. I am. -
11:54 - 11:57And I am the best damn bitch I can be."
-
11:57 - 11:59Thank you, Saint Louis.
-
11:59 - 12:00(Applause)
- Title:
- Why you need to be a bitch | Tabatha Coffey | TEDxStLouisWomen
- Description:
-
Tabatha Coffey speaks to the importance of being true to yourself and owning it. Tabatha Coffey has devoted her professional life to achieving excellence, as a successful business woman, company owner, hair dresser, educator, motivational speaker and business consultant. Drawing on her years of hands-on experience, Tabatha traveled the country helping struggling business owners turn their lives and businesses around for five season’s of Bravo’s, Tabatha Takes Over. With her signature edgy style, tough love approach and exceptional skills as an artist and as a business woman, Tabatha is without question the golden girl of small businesses. She proves that her professional instincts transcend the realm of beauty and can transform owners and staffs across all kinds of businesses.
This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at https://www.ted.com/tedx
- Video Language:
- English
- Team:
- closed TED
- Project:
- TEDxTalks
- Duration:
- 12:00
Raissa Mendes commented on English subtitles for Why you need to be a bitch | Tabatha Coffey | TEDxStLouisWomen | ||
Peter van de Ven approved English subtitles for Why you need to be a bitch | Tabatha Coffey | TEDxStLouisWomen | ||
Peter van de Ven accepted English subtitles for Why you need to be a bitch | Tabatha Coffey | TEDxStLouisWomen | ||
Peter van de Ven edited English subtitles for Why you need to be a bitch | Tabatha Coffey | TEDxStLouisWomen | ||
Peter van de Ven edited English subtitles for Why you need to be a bitch | Tabatha Coffey | TEDxStLouisWomen | ||
Peter van de Ven edited English subtitles for Why you need to be a bitch | Tabatha Coffey | TEDxStLouisWomen | ||
Peter van de Ven edited English subtitles for Why you need to be a bitch | Tabatha Coffey | TEDxStLouisWomen | ||
Esra Çakmak edited English subtitles for Why you need to be a bitch | Tabatha Coffey | TEDxStLouisWomen |
Raissa Mendes
I wonder if she said below: (both cases):
" bitchin' outfit" or "bitch'n outfit,"
instead of "bitch an outfit."
3:33 - 3:37
We "hashtag" on Instagram:
"Bitch an outfit," right?
5:15 - 5:19
And it is not in the cute Instagram way
of "Bitch an outfit!"