0:00:00.000,0:00:01.811
My name is Tabatha Coffey,

0:00:01.816,0:00:03.086
and I am a bitch.

0:00:03.086,0:00:04.414
(Laughter)

0:00:04.419,0:00:06.581
That's right, you heard it here first.

0:00:07.355,0:00:08.175
So ...

0:00:09.280,0:00:11.927
Show me your hands,[br]who thinks they are a bitch?

0:00:12.414,0:00:13.427
(Laughter)

0:00:13.427,0:00:14.787
Oh, we need to work on that.

0:00:14.787,0:00:15.957
By the end of this talk,

0:00:15.957,0:00:21.063
I want every hand up and proud[br]in this audience, all of you.

0:00:23.046,0:00:24.393
So ten years ago,

0:00:24.550,0:00:28.665
I was lucky enough[br]to fall into television,

0:00:29.032,0:00:31.609
and I say I fell into it[br]because I really did.

0:00:31.616,0:00:36.164
I tried out for a competitive show[br]that put hairdresser against hairdresser.

0:00:36.579,0:00:38.020
And it was rough;

0:00:38.026,0:00:41.740
it was 12 weeks[br]living away from your business,

0:00:41.954,0:00:43.578
away from your family,

0:00:43.761,0:00:47.446
locked in a house with 11 strangers.

0:00:47.917,0:00:51.000
You were with them 24/7.

0:00:51.554,0:00:54.624
It was an amazing experience;

0:00:54.624,0:00:55.774
I loved it.

0:00:55.775,0:00:58.942
And I am incredibly competitive,[br]like most of you.

0:00:59.535,0:01:00.575
When it was over,

0:01:00.901,0:01:01.791
I went home,

0:01:02.040,0:01:05.013
went back to my business,[br]went back on with my life.

0:01:05.498,0:01:07.831
And a couple of weeks went by,

0:01:08.356,0:01:12.856
and my clients were all thrilled[br]that I was on TV and I was competing.

0:01:14.005,0:01:16.238
Couple of more weeks went by,

0:01:16.867,0:01:20.556
and probably around four weeks in,

0:01:20.558,0:01:24.236
I was in Nordstrom[br]buying a pair of shoes.

0:01:25.124,0:01:28.126
And across the mall,

0:01:28.428,0:01:32.244
a woman looked and went,[br]"Oh, my god! You are that bitch on TV!"

0:01:32.244,0:01:33.524
(Laughter)

0:01:37.474,0:01:40.889
I did not laugh as all of you are -

0:01:41.267,0:01:44.856
I do now, but not then,[br]it was not so funny.

0:01:45.288,0:01:48.598
I was absolutely mortified,

0:01:48.598,0:01:49.605
and -

0:01:49.605,0:01:52.198
Look, it's not the first time[br]I've been called a bitch,

0:01:52.198,0:01:54.465
it is definitely not[br]going to be the last time,

0:01:54.879,0:01:59.086
but from a stranger that recognized me

0:01:59.095,0:02:03.827
and was yelling across the mall[br]that I was the bitch on TV

0:02:03.827,0:02:05.587
really stopped me in my tracks.

0:02:05.587,0:02:07.562
It was just amazing.

0:02:08.362,0:02:10.993
Well, it did not just happened once;[br]it kept happening,

0:02:11.334,0:02:12.381
and happening,

0:02:12.559,0:02:13.859
and happening

0:02:14.013,0:02:15.373
and happening.

0:02:16.500,0:02:21.687
And I went down the rabbit hole[br]of reading the blogs

0:02:21.964,0:02:24.388
and reading what people[br]were saying about me.

0:02:24.589,0:02:31.087
And there were literally thousands[br]of people that were calling me a bitch.

0:02:31.635,0:02:35.611
And to say that it was paralyizing[br]is putting it mildly.

0:02:36.099,0:02:38.610
I was paralyzed by it.

0:02:39.011,0:02:40.241
Because ...

0:02:40.248,0:02:42.258
I am tough,

0:02:42.300,0:02:43.528
and I am honest,

0:02:43.568,0:02:45.447
and I am strong,

0:02:45.447,0:02:50.826
and I am all the qualities[br]that we all should have

0:02:50.826,0:02:54.586
to be a successful business woman.

0:02:55.264,0:02:59.013
But I did not view myself[br]as a bitch whatsoever.

0:02:59.786,0:03:02.906
So, I had to sit down and really reflect

0:03:02.906,0:03:07.005
on what happened and why people[br]were calling me a bitch

0:03:07.005,0:03:10.636
and why people were thinking[br]that it was okay

0:03:10.636,0:03:13.861
to go up to a complete stranger[br]and go, "You are that bitch!"

0:03:13.861,0:03:15.610
(Laughter)

0:03:16.576,0:03:20.005
I know now that it is kind of cool

0:03:20.781,0:03:22.717
to be a bitch.[br](Laughter)

0:03:22.717,0:03:24.800
Right? Now it is kind of cool.

0:03:25.701,0:03:27.850
But even though it is cool now,

0:03:27.850,0:03:30.400
and we say to our friends,[br]"Hey bitch, how you doin'?"

0:03:30.400,0:03:32.354
(Laughter)[br]Right?

0:03:33.045,0:03:36.644
We "hashtag" on Instagram:[br]"Bitch an outfit," right?

0:03:36.647,0:03:39.470
We throw the word around

0:03:39.855,0:03:42.970
like it means nothing.

0:03:43.208,0:03:46.139
But if any of you have been called a bitch

0:03:46.625,0:03:47.835
by someone -

0:03:47.835,0:03:48.955
whether you know them,

0:03:48.955,0:03:51.504
whether it is a colleague,[br]whether it is a friend,

0:03:51.504,0:03:53.425
whether it is a random stranger -

0:03:53.705,0:03:55.096
it hurts.

0:03:55.348,0:04:00.534
There is a moment that it feels[br]like a knife going into your heart.

0:04:01.075,0:04:02.488
And it hurts.

0:04:03.497,0:04:06.736
The thing that's interesting,[br]and we talk about it all the time;

0:04:07.140,0:04:08.530
there are books about it,

0:04:08.916,0:04:10.530
there are songs about it.

0:04:10.873,0:04:15.733
If you are a strong woman,

0:04:16.545,0:04:19.779
if you speak with authority,

0:04:20.114,0:04:22.944
if you don't bow down to people,

0:04:23.090,0:04:24.855
if you speak your mind,

0:04:25.141,0:04:27.124
if you have a healthy dose of ego,

0:04:27.387,0:04:31.580
if you are really confident[br]and really, really passionate,

0:04:33.058,0:04:34.462
you are a bitch.

0:04:36.076,0:04:41.217
But those qualities in a man[br]make him a go-getter,

0:04:41.635,0:04:43.081
a great executive,

0:04:43.356,0:04:45.008
someone you want on the team,

0:04:45.274,0:04:48.934
someone really dependable[br]that would take care of a problem.

0:04:50.044,0:04:52.034
Maybe even the president.

0:04:52.696,0:04:53.936
(Laughter)

0:04:55.196,0:04:56.206
Yep.

0:04:56.206,0:04:57.766
(Applause)

0:05:00.761,0:05:06.612
But those qualities in us,[br]as women, get us called bitches.

0:05:07.812,0:05:12.282
The bigger problem to me with that[br]is that we do it to each other.

0:05:12.878,0:05:14.792
We call each other bitches.

0:05:15.218,0:05:19.004
And it is not in the cute Instagram way[br]of "Bitch an outfit!"

0:05:19.004,0:05:20.544
"I am with my bitches."

0:05:20.544,0:05:22.017
It is not in the cute way.

0:05:22.017,0:05:23.358
(Laughter)

0:05:23.358,0:05:30.215
It is in the mean let-me-tear-you-down-[br]and-put-you-in-your-box kind of way.

0:05:30.470,0:05:31.971
Because that word -

0:05:32.334,0:05:35.030
and I've looked, and I've searched -

0:05:35.532,0:05:38.150
there is not an equivalent for men;

0:05:38.150,0:05:39.554
there isn't.

0:05:40.785,0:05:43.761
And it is supposed to dim your light,

0:05:44.065,0:05:46.199
and make you not as confident,

0:05:46.199,0:05:49.362
and make you stop and second-guess[br]yourself a little bit,

0:05:49.362,0:05:51.431
and wonder if you[br]are doing the right thing:

0:05:51.436,0:05:54.009
"Should I be doing[br]something else? I don't know."

0:05:54.009,0:05:56.422
That's what it does to your head.

0:05:57.358,0:06:01.111
And we can laugh it off,[br]as we are now,

0:06:01.300,0:06:03.096
but we still now it hurts.

0:06:03.230,0:06:05.737
And when we do it to our sisters,

0:06:05.915,0:06:08.494
and I mean our sisterhood of women,

0:06:08.625,0:06:10.063
it is wrong.

0:06:10.819,0:06:14.292
How many times[br]have you walked out of a meeting,

0:06:14.548,0:06:17.332
walked away from[br]maybe doing school pickup,

0:06:17.505,0:06:20.395
or going out to a cocktail party,[br]and there is woman there,

0:06:20.395,0:06:23.377
and walked away and said,[br]"Oh, she is such a bitch!"

0:06:25.178,0:06:27.961
When really, maybe she wasn't.

0:06:28.677,0:06:33.089
Maybe she was just a little bit[br]more honest than you,

0:06:33.547,0:06:36.326
maybe she just demanded what she wanted

0:06:36.326,0:06:39.269
and made no apologies or excuses for it.

0:06:39.887,0:06:43.260
Is she a bitch because she has[br]a better pair of shoes than you?

0:06:43.934,0:06:45.983
Is that why you are calling her a bitch?

0:06:46.192,0:06:49.564
Is that why we do it to each other,[br]because we are a little jealous

0:06:49.814,0:06:52.169
and we want to cut each other[br]down a little bit?

0:06:52.693,0:06:56.115
Because we are not helping each other,

0:06:56.849,0:07:01.318
we need to promote[br]growth and gain over gossip.

0:07:01.804,0:07:05.782
We need to stop cutting[br]each other down as women.

0:07:07.272,0:07:09.694
When I look at every single woman,

0:07:09.694,0:07:12.544
and I have met hundreds of thousands

0:07:12.544,0:07:15.336
because I've been[br]a hairdresser for 36 years

0:07:15.916,0:07:20.327
and had women in my chair[br]every single time.

0:07:20.334,0:07:24.424
And the reason I am[br]so passionate about what I do

0:07:24.822,0:07:27.834
is because I understand.

0:07:29.258,0:07:31.068
I don't understand men as well,

0:07:31.068,0:07:33.005
because I am not one.

0:07:34.307,0:07:35.398
But women,

0:07:35.665,0:07:39.396
I understand us,[br]I understand our insecurities,

0:07:39.408,0:07:41.471
I understand how hard we work,

0:07:41.471,0:07:44.695
I understand that everyone wants us[br]to be perfect all the time,

0:07:44.703,0:07:47.422
and it is really, really exhausting.

0:07:48.029,0:07:50.929
I understand that when we go on a date,[br]or we go to a party,

0:07:50.929,0:07:52.249
or we go to a work event,

0:07:52.249,0:07:54.733
or we just get up in the morning,

0:07:55.134,0:07:57.078
there is pressure on us.

0:07:57.434,0:08:00.907
And that's without[br]adding children and husbands

0:08:00.907,0:08:04.763
and all the other people[br]that are grabbing at us all the time.

0:08:04.763,0:08:06.307
I get that!

0:08:06.448,0:08:09.687
So when I look at one of my sisters,

0:08:09.687,0:08:12.676
why am I going to call her a bitch?

0:08:12.969,0:08:14.938
It's like calling me a bitch.

0:08:15.524,0:08:17.483
You are doing it to yourself.

0:08:18.103,0:08:21.143
When you look at another woman,[br]you are looking in the mirror.

0:08:21.572,0:08:23.227
And let me tell you,

0:08:24.034,0:08:26.878
the fact that we are women,

0:08:27.821,0:08:30.586
and we can produce life -

0:08:30.883,0:08:35.318
because there are literally wouldn't be[br]any of us sitting here without a woman ...

0:08:37.294,0:08:38.114
True! -

0:08:38.408,0:08:40.079
is extraordinary.

0:08:40.434,0:08:42.347
That is extraordinary.

0:08:44.031,0:08:47.632
To overcome being called[br]a bitch all the time,

0:08:48.817,0:08:50.586
I like to face my fears.

0:08:50.865,0:08:52.362
The way I dissolve them

0:08:52.463,0:08:55.883
is to look right down the barrel at them[br]and just take care of them.

0:08:56.485,0:08:57.935
So after my reflection,

0:08:58.193,0:09:03.793
I came up with an acronym[br]for what my version of bitch is.

0:09:04.728,0:09:06.208
And it's Brave,

0:09:06.277,0:09:07.437
Intelligent,

0:09:07.512,0:09:08.592
Tenacious,

0:09:08.654,0:09:09.724
Creative,

0:09:09.776,0:09:11.053
and Honest.

0:09:11.710,0:09:14.039
And I defy anyone in this room,

0:09:14.039,0:09:17.827
men or women, that does not[br]want those qualities in their life.

0:09:19.023,0:09:23.023
Every single woman in here,[br]and every single man,

0:09:23.023,0:09:25.873
we are brave; you don't need to[br]go and slay dragons,

0:09:26.091,0:09:29.122
sometimes it is just brave[br]to get out of bed in the morning

0:09:29.417,0:09:30.863
and face your day.

0:09:31.427,0:09:32.902
We are warriors.

0:09:34.138,0:09:39.158
Intelligence to me is not about[br]college degrees and book-smarts,

0:09:39.494,0:09:42.681
that's part of it,[br]but there is also intuition;

0:09:43.025,0:09:44.555
there is understanding;

0:09:44.854,0:09:48.364
there is nurturing and knowing[br]when to nurture and when to pull back.

0:09:48.709,0:09:52.214
They are qualities[br]that, women, we excel at.

0:09:53.616,0:09:55.795
Being tenacious, obviously,

0:09:56.218,0:09:59.998
have you ever messed with a woman's kid?

0:10:00.932,0:10:02.971
I mean, seriously?

0:10:03.266,0:10:07.073
We are tenacious;[br]if we want something, we don't stop.

0:10:07.265,0:10:09.835
What about that pair of shoes[br]you are lusting after?

0:10:10.072,0:10:11.362
And you can't afford them,

0:10:11.362,0:10:15.282
but miraculously, the money shows up,[br]and you got new kicks on.

0:10:15.282,0:10:16.272
(Laughter)

0:10:16.669,0:10:19.105
That's tenacity, right there!

0:10:21.625,0:10:24.455
Creative is just[br]looking at things differently;

0:10:24.455,0:10:26.925
we are great at that as women.

0:10:27.255,0:10:31.165
We are the best multitaskers[br]there are: we are creative.

0:10:31.441,0:10:34.589
We find ways to not only[br]find this money for that pair of shoes -

0:10:34.589,0:10:37.109
creatively, to come out of nowhere -

0:10:37.109,0:10:41.084
but also how to juggle different[br]schedules, take care of things;

0:10:41.343,0:10:43.955
that's innate in most of us.

0:10:45.363,0:10:49.467
And honest is how I think[br]we all should live our life.

0:10:49.817,0:10:52.615
And to me that honesty[br]is being honest enough,

0:10:52.890,0:10:55.889
instead of turning around[br]and calling one of my sisters a bitch,

0:10:56.173,0:10:58.222
is to look and say,

0:10:58.558,0:11:00.679
"You know what?[br]I am a little jealous of her.

0:11:00.679,0:11:04.347
Because what she has going on[br]is a whole lot of fabolous,

0:11:04.758,0:11:06.338
and I want a little bit of it."

0:11:08.137,0:11:09.237
"You know what?

0:11:09.730,0:11:11.308
I didn't get that job,

0:11:11.317,0:11:13.856
or I didn't get that gig[br]that I really wanted.

0:11:13.856,0:11:17.335
She did. Kudos to her.[br]How can I learn from that?

0:11:17.335,0:11:18.748
How can I be better?

0:11:18.751,0:11:22.892
How can I learn from what she did[br]to elevate myself,

0:11:23.457,0:11:26.012
instead of looking and go, 'Bitch.'"

0:11:26.953,0:11:29.506
That is not going to elevate any of us.

0:11:29.857,0:11:34.853
That is not going to solve the problems[br]that I believe we as women can solve.

0:11:35.319,0:11:37.569
So, if you take my acronym

0:11:37.569,0:11:41.116
of being Brave, Intelligent,[br]Tenacious, Creative, and Honest,

0:11:41.545,0:11:46.051
I encourage you all[br]to think about that in every choice,

0:11:46.519,0:11:49.796
and the next time someone[br]says to you, "You are a bitch,"

0:11:50.024,0:11:53.631
smile and say, "Yes,[br]thank you very much. I am.

0:11:53.913,0:11:56.543
And I am the best damn bitch I can be."

0:11:57.063,0:11:58.531
Thank you, Saint Louis.

0:11:58.531,0:11:59.581
(Applause)