LACKADAISY (Pilot)

[crickets chirping]

[distant riverboat horn]

[violin solo]

ROCKY: Old Man River!

That seems far too austere a name
for something made of mirth and rage.

[rapid bowing]

O, roiling red-blood river vein.
If chief among your traits is age,

[plucks violin]
you’re a wily, convoluted sage.

[Rocky laughs and plays a note]

Is “old” the thing to call what rings
the vernal heart of wester-lore?

What brings us
brassy myth-made kings.

[triumphant stroke]

And a preponderance
of bug-type things.

[whining vibrato]

[echoing]
To challenge titans come before!

[violin playing continues]

O, demiurge
to a try at Avalon-once-more?

And what august vitality

in your wide aorta stream.

You must have had to oversee

alchemic change of timber beam

to iron, brick and engine steam!

Your umber whiskey waters
lance the prideful, sober sovereignty

of faulty-haloed temperance,

and wilt her self-sure countenance;

Yes, righteousness is vanity.

[chuckling]
But sport’s for imps, not elderly.

So if there’s a name for migrant mass

of veteran frivolity

That snakes through seas
of prairie grass

and groves of summer sassafras;

A name that flows as roguishly

as wild waters, fast and free,

[violin stops]
It’s your true name:

Mississippi.

IVY: Ahem!

[melodramatic] It’s abundantly clear!

You forgot us down here.

ROCKY: Encore?

Uh, no encore?

IVY: Please, no. No, that’s plenty.
FRECKLE: It’s fine. We’re fine.

Eh, should I, eh, add a d- dance?

ROCKY: Extra stanzas?

[wheezing laugh]
There’s more where that came from!

Please don’t ruin musical theater
for everyone.

I’m not sure lookouts

are supposed to make
such a ruckus anyway.

IVY: Why don’t you come down here
and grab a shovel?

ROCKY: Alas, Miss Pepper.

I was cursed,
cursed with these spaghetti arms!

So, I do what I can.

I provide the a-!

[crashing violin noises]

I provide the ambiance.

Baby-Face provides the muscle.

Look at him digging
his way to martyrdom,

the little go-getter!

Now, how about a little
rhapsody in G minor for company?

Fine!
If you’re not going to help us work,

you’re going to have to
double as the dirt rag.

[shovel hits wood]
FRECKLE: Rocky?

ROCKY: Ah!
FRECKLE: I think I fou-

[cackling]

IVY: Is that it?
ROCKY: Well, if it isn’t,

we’ll have some awkward explaining
to do to the family of, uh…

[struggling to read]
Herman Hapfamschfeel?

[frogs croaking]

[horned owl calls]

What was that?
Did you hear something?

It’s all these unresting spirits!

ROCKY: We’re trespassin’
on their turf.

[over-the-top Irish accent]
But there’s naught ye can do about it,

ye feisty devils!

FRECKLE: [sighs]
I wish my mum was here.

What? Blasphemy! That force
of nature, she’d stop us dead.

I know.

Oh, Freckle.

Don’t tell me you aren’t having
a good time

showing off your shoveling skills
for hotsy-totsy over here.

[train horn]

ROCKY: [laughing] Begorra!

For a moment there,
I thought it was your mom.

This is why you don’t go
rilin’ up spirits

and digging up graves
and sacrilegin’ and

ROCKY: Settle down, cousin.

The spirits are all bottled up.
[laughs]

Hundred years past,
Burke and Hare were up to much worse.

And things turned out just fine
for them.

FRECKLE: D- didn’t they ge- hang ‘em?
ROCKY: Details, Freckle. Details.

Now show me your crowbar skills.

[shy laughter]

[coffin opening]

[whispering] Oh, thank the saints.
[glass bottles clattering]

Ah, liquid gold! Dionysian delight!

Better still, Canadian whiskey!

ROCKY: [humming]

I think we should hurry.

IVY: I’ll start the car.
ROCKY: [singing] Whiskey in the jar.

Uh, leave the headlamps off.
Can’t be too careful.

Right.
We’ve been so discreet up until now.

FRECKLE: Oh, uh. Ah, dang it.
ROCKY: No!

ROCKY: Don’t let that get away!
Miss M can’t spare a drop!

Murderation!

Where’s that spotlight
when we need it, Miss Pepper?

ROCKY: Well now the spirits are afoot.
FRECKLE: Hold on! I got it! I got it!

ROCKY: That is my foot!
That’s not what I meant!

FRECKLE: Well, I can’t see!

ROCKY: Ah! There it is!

FRECKLE: Gah! Stop it!
ROCKY: Y- you!

FRECKLE: Get off me, Rocky!
ROCKY: Ow!

FRECKLE: Hey! Ah! Get off!

Ah!

[car door opens]

[car engine revs]

Excuse me hee!
[gunfire]

IVY: [confused screaming]

[gunshot]
SERAFINE: [laughs]

[gunfire]

Ah!

NICODEME: [laughs]
IVY: [confused screaming continues]

Look like we got
some live ones tonight.

SERAFINE: [laughs] Yeah. C’est bon.

The chase is the best part.

[gunfire]

Get in!

Get in get in get in!

MORDECAI: [sighs]
Let’s not prolong this.

This is a trifling matter.

We have other business to tend to.

Yeah. But none of it
near as fun as this gon’ be.

Mm! Can’t let the competition
go unchecked.

Even a little vermin,
they got a way of

festering.

Allons!

Where’d you learn to drive like that?

I didn’t!

[Music: “Olive Branch” by Sepiatonic]

ROCKY: Didn’t?
IVY: Learn to drive!

Well, you’re so bad at it,
you’ve confounded the enemy!

Nicely done.

[car horn]

[gasps]

Keep confounding! Keep confounding!

[grunts]

Now we need a performance from you,
torpedo boy!

Ah!

No no no no!

ROCKY: Yes yes yes!

FRECKLE: No no!

Don’t be modest!

I, I, I g- I, um

[shaky] I…

Play us a symphony.

[gunfire]
[glass shatters]

IVY: Holy simoleon!
SERAFINE: [laughs]

[gasps] No!

[screams]

IVY: What’s going on back there?

SERAFINE: All right. What the-?
NICODEME: [laughs]

I guess this one is the bait.

Oh no stay with me!

[maniacal laughter]
[gunfire]

NICODEME: Hoo.
SERAFINE: [laughs]

NICODEME: [laughs]
SERAFINE: Whoo!

[coughs] I think I swallowed a bug.

You got a big, fat bebette for dinner?
No fair.

[coughs and spits]
Naw. Just more glass. [laughs]

Profoundly unprofessional.

Well, they got more
firepower than I expected.

But you want to take over drivin’
back there?

No.

Especially now that you
have alleviated us of our windshield.

Aw. You don’t like how we play?

How about you stop spectatin’
and throw in, cher?

Or do we have to worry
about you getting

sentimental about old times?

FRECKLE: [laughing]

Now what? Now what?

Brakes!

Gyaah ha ha!
[gunfire]

[gun clicks]

[tires squeal]

ROCKY: Turn here! Make a left!
IVY: What? What turn?

ROCKY: Hang louie! Left Hook!
IVY: Let go!

ROCKY: Sinister! Port!
IVY: There’s no left here!

[clock ticking]

ROCKY: Use your imagination,
Miss Pepper!

IVY: Dang it! Rocky! I can’t steer!

[clock ticking]

[gunshot]
[tires squeal]

IVY: Whoa! [warbling scream]

[smash]

[crash]

[maniacal laughter]

[door slams]

Oh, is it playtime now?

Do you think we’re safe?

[fabric rips]
[low growl]

[strained] Sorry! Sorry.

I didn’t mean to. It’s just that

there’s a ho- a fire.

A burning hot fire i- in, uh.

In the eh c- engine compartment!

IVY: [gasps]
FRECKLE: [sighs]

BOTH: [cough]
IVY: The radiator!

[sizzling]
IVY: [inhales sharply]

Hot hot hot!

[unhinged laughter]

[throaty cackling]

[echoing thud]

[door creaks]

[cackling]

[lights buzz]

Ooooh!

Oh, the world is full of magic things!

I just need a ticket to ride.

[light sparks]
[carnival music starts]

CARNIVAL BARKER: Step right up!
Get your tickets! Get your popcorn!

Watch the world’s
most idiotic stuntman

ride an elephant
through a flaming gauntlet of-

IVY: Well, I’m nearly out
of sleeves and ideas.

ROCKY: [laughing]
IVY: The engine is still too hot!

I don’t even know if this-

You said there was a pistol
in here somewhere?

There’s always one
wedged in the seat.

IVY: Well, I guess that’s a gun.

[gunfire]
BOTH: Ah!

I’ll draw them away.
You start the car.

Please.

[gunfire]

This is going to take
longer if you scatter them.

What happened to you
that made you hate fun?

[tiny gunshot]

MORDECAI: [sighs]
I’ll take care of that.

MORDECAI: Disable the vehicle.

[engine struggling]

Raspberries!

Aha!

[gunshots]

[clock ticking]

[gunshot]

IVY: [grunting]

[gasps]

Hi.

Ah!
[gunshots]

IVY: [screams]
FRECKLE: [gasps] No. No no no no no!

No!
[gunshots]

MORDECAI: Four, five, six.

[gun clicks]

[gunshot]
Agh!

NICODEME: [laughs]
IVY: [muffled cries]

Bonsoir, mes amis.

[rumbling]

[clock ticking]

[explosion]
ROCKY: [maniacal laughter]

[laughing]
What the hell is this?

Child, that’s eleven kinds of stupid!

[explosion]

The sudden circus comes to town!

ROCKY: [cackles]
[explosion]

The behemoth and the top-hat clown.
[explosion]

Come gather, gather all around.
[gunshot]

See them rain their fire down!
[explosions]

[laughter]
[gunshots]

Serafine!

[explosion]

[coughing]

IVY: [whimpering]

[gasps]

FRECKLE: [coughs]
IVY: What’s happening?

Rocky.

ROCKY: [maniacal laughter]

Ahh! You can brandish up
your whip and chair,

[explosion]

ROCKY: but the circus train’s
a blazin’ tear!

[explosion]
ROCKY: [cackles]

Said the clown with daring air,

“We’ll make our three rings anywhere!”

[metal clunk]

Whoop!
[fabric tears]

[coughs and spits]

[loud clang]

[metal screeching]

[cricket chirps]
[explosion]

[rushing water]

[cat hiss]

[rushing water]

[water dripping]

[engine starts]

FRECKLE: Rocky!

Come on, mudbug!

Ohhh. We got to skedaddle!

[clock ticking]

[sighs]

[panting]

Oh, are my eyebrows still on?

Uhh, yep.

Aces!

Here, Freckle. I got you a souvenir.

[screams]

ROCKY: You’re supposed
to light it first.

NICODEME: Hoo.
BOTH: [laugh]

SERAFINE: Nico! [coughs]

Brother of mine, help me up.

Cher, you look disappointed.

[sign creaking]

MITZI: “And though scrutinized
and scandalized

and troubled in the end
by depleted finances–”

Hm. Familiar story.

“–Miss Duncan leaves behind,
moreover,

a legacy of consummate artistry

and bold innovation.”

Done in by a scarf.

The comic end that makes the tragedy,
doesn’t it?

Speaking of tragedy,

we got an old supplier back.

The funeral home.

Still, it’s not the same

without you.

And that feeling that all of this

was ours.

[sighs]

Used to be we could drive
a whole convoy of trucks in.

[horrible scraping noises]

Now we’re just digging for scraps.

Well, however unbecoming, Atlas,

that’s my cue.

Meet you downstairs.

[door creaks]

[string bass music]

Miss M!

Horatio.

MITZI: The door, sweetheart.
HORATIO: Oh! Right.

[sighs]

MITZI: [sighs]
WICK: How’s the weather, madam?

Ah, right. The difficult business
of, uh, business.

You could certainly be of some help.

Except I’m supposed to be
a pillar of the community.

Baron of the industry.

WICK: Upstanding citizen, you know?
ZIB: [laughs]

He said,
bent over his illicit beverage.

Oh, thank goodness.
I wasn’t sure you were alive.

Zib!

Shouldn’t you be up on stage playing?

Pft. For who?

That guy?

How about you, Wick?

Shall I serenade you personally?

Uhh.

Once I’ve had a few more
illicit beverages, perhaps.

I suppose I could use
one of those, too.

Viktor?

[glass squeaking]

Viktor, I know it’s an adjustment,

but the bartender’s got to look
like someone

the patronage can tell
their troubles to.

[glass shatters]

More of a confidante. Less of a

coroner.

MITZI: Try smiling, honey.

[growls]

[sighs]

We’ll work on it.

ROCKY: Bum bada dum
bada bum bum bum!

FRECKLE: Hello.
ROCKY: We made it, everyone!

IVY: I drove the car!
FRECKLE: Sorry.

ROCKY: We made it!
FRECKLE: About the carpet.

[sad trombone]

J.J.!

J.J.: Sorry.
MITZI: Well,

look what the Mississippi spat up.

Miss M, you seem, uh…

…surprised.

Rocky, sweetie,

you are nothing if not
an exhausting, incomprehensible…

[cork pops]
…surprise.

Thank you!

This was supposed to be
the real McCoy.

Let’s see if that’s the surprise.

[alcohol pouring]

[glass cracking]

[shudders]

Well,
[clears throat]

it’ll certainly start your engine.

ZIB: Which is to say,
[clears throat]

it beats radiator fluid.

WICK: What’s that aftertaste?

Hm. Crisp, full-bodied, um,

reminiscent of oak wood...

WICK: Coffin varnish!
VIKTOR: Yeah.

We can call it, eh,
“Sunset Rose Cocktail.”

Sunset Rose Cocktail?

That sounds good!

[growls]

Psh!

You have no idea what I went through
to get this.

I have very good an idea.

[glass cracking]

[spits]

[coughs]

Mmm! Sophisticated flavor.

[cat trill]

[upset cat trill]

So. Not bad, then?

ALL: [mumble in agreement]

MITZI: Better than getting shot.

Still, is this all we got
for our money, honey?

You look like
you took a bath in the rest.

Well, I could probably wring some
more out of my coat for you.

There was a minor incident?

ROCKY: Incidences.

[sighs]

The likes of what?

ROCKY: Oh, just some spent ammo and-

Desecrated graves.

Fractured signage,

minor flooding,
lots of structural damage.

Uh, we may have fomented
a deadly rivalry on the way, too.

But dynamite and heavy machinery
are marvelous problem-solvers.

Eh, old sport?

[sputters] Dynamite?
What dynamite?

And the car is fine.

I fixed it!

[sounds of car falling apart]

Also,
you’ll be happy to know my violin

came through unscathed.

[string snaps]

J.J.: [starts playing “Taps”]
MITZI: I know you did your best,

honey, but we can’t keep running
ourselves ragged and into the red

to bring a meager…

J.J.: [music gets louder]
MITZI: W- what I mean is,

ah, I don’t see how this,

uh…

ALL: J.J.!

You know what?

I’m glad you and your violin are back,
honey.

We could all use some music
about now.

I mean, besides J.J.

All right, all right.
Come on, kid.

What do you say
we go lighten the mood?

Uh, about the dynamite…

ZIB: [hums “Blue Skies”]
WICK: …and the machinery.

WICK: Can you elaborate?
ROCKY: Mr. Sable.

WICK: Eh, right. Cheers.

IVY: Come on! You owe me a dance.
ZIB: Something in 4/4, Mozzie.

FRECKLE: I do?
IVY: Yes! I’ve decided.

IVY: You know the Charleston?
FRECKLE: No.

IVY: The Lindy Hop?
FRECKLE: No.

IVY: The Roundabout?
The Jingle Jangle?

IVY: The Hoopty Noodle?

FRECKLE: I have a head injury.

IVY: I’ll show you.

IVY: You just gotta
put one foot over there

IVY: and one over there.

And then swing a foot over here.

[Music: “Sunset Rose Cocktail”
by M Gewehr]

[musical transition]

[music fades]

SECRETARY: Maribel Hotel.

SECRETARY: Manager’s office.

MORDECAI: [sighs]

MORDECAI: Connect me to Mr. Sweet,

MORDECAI: please.

MORDECAI: Rather unfortunately,
we were sidetracked.

MORDECAI: The vehicle
has been disabled and,

MORDECAI: on the whole, the evening
has not gone according to plan.

ASA: Let me see if I have this right.

ASA: Ruthless, infamous hatchetman
Mordecai Heller is calling me to

ASA: ask for a ride?

Yes.

ASA: [raucous laughter]

However, Mr. Sweet. It seems-

ASA: Wha- what am I, your dad?
[laughs]

It seems we have a more
considerable problem at hand.

ASA: What? Someone mussed your hair?
You got some dirt on ya? [laughs]

As a matter of fact, yes.

But more to the point,

one of our suppliers
appears to be double dealing.

To stragglers from Lackadaisy
of all things.

They’re clumsy
and likely to draw attention.

With the feds in town-

ASA: Yeah, that’s a real liability.

And I can only stave off
so much heat from the higher-ups

before this whole city
starts smoldering.

Oh, those dragons.

Having given it some thought,

MORDECAI: It does appear
to warrant our attention.

Right, then.

Time to tie up some loose ends.

[Music: “Feathers N Fringe”
by Albert Marlowe]