Breaking Bad Habits

<Breaking Bad Habits>

(Questioner) I'm very glad
to see you again.

Thank you for all the help you've provided
for me and a lot of people.

Definitely, your wisdom is very much
appreciated and accepted.

I'm doing pretty good lately
and, at times, I feel a lot of equanimity.

While there is a lot of peace of mind, there's
always a nagging voice in the background.

I'm afraid to go back to my old habits.

Even though I've improved a lot,
I do revert back to my old habits at times,

and feel frustrated in those moments.

Practice has been incredible
in easing my mental afflictions,

especially as doing many reflections has
allowed me to experience equanimity.

I have been able to enjoy
the peace for a few weeks.

Still, there's always a nervousness
that I'm going to fall back

to the old habitual patterns,
and I worry about how easy it is

to go back to the old patterns.

Why is it so difficult to break
these habits?

(Sunim) Has your relationship
with your daughter improved and

were you able to let go of the issues
that were hanging over that relationship?

(Questioner) Yes.

(Sunim) That's great.
Let me ask you a question.

Which one is more likely to succeed,
trying something for the first time,

or trying what you have succeeded
previously and going at it again?

(Questioner) Sometimes it's more difficult
to go back and repeat all these patterns.

Sometimes it's a little easier, but let's
call it easier to go through new things.

Still there's some difficulty in that too,
but it gives a better outcome.

(Sunim) You've experienced
some tough times in your life.

Nevertheless, you have applied
yourself to practice

and came to a place
where you have a peace of mind.

You mentioned that you're still
worried about reverting back.

Even if you do go back to your old habits,
would it be as severe as it once had been

or would be a little better than
what it used to be?

(Questioner) I'll be definitely
better knowing what I now know.

Through everything I did to overcome
my mental attachments,

I'm much better off in many ways.

I am so glad that
I went through the work,

because I definitely think
I am in a better place.

(Sunim) Let's say,
you started off at minus 10,

then you worked yourself
all the way up to plus 10.

Even if you relapse, as you are concerned,
you won't relapse all the way to minus 10,

you'll relapse maybe to minus 5,
but your starting point is now at minus 5.

Getting to plus 10 or 15 from that point
will be much easier than the first time.

So, what I'm trying to say is
that even if you relapse,

the intensity is not as bad as before,
and you have already built up

the capacity to bring
yourself back up.

So there's no reason
for you to be concerned.

You need to practice being awake
as much as possible in order to not relapse,

but you do not need to worry about
falling all the way back to the beginning.

It will be much easier to get back up
as you now have the capacity.

So, I'm saying that
you should not be scared.

First, you won't relapse.

Second, even if you do, it's going to be
easier for you to come back.

You'll do well,
there's no need for worries.

Ultimately what I'm trying to say is that
there's nothing there for you to be afraid of.

(Questioner) Thank you.
You're right and I really get your point.

I cannot say it's greed,
but definitely understand now

that even when I relapse to
some kind of a mental affliction

or attachment to these habitual patterns,
their intensity is much less by far.

I definitely agree with you that from
a minus position, possibly I work up to 10.

I agree, you are right.
I have already experienced that.

It's good that you mentioned
because I do fall but I don't feel

that I fall that deep anymore.

It's good to know,
thank you very much.

(Sunim) The fear comes because you are
attached to the current state of positivity.

You should just observe that you are
in a good state and you are maintaining

equanimity and peace of mind
instead of being attached to that state.

Our mind is always dynamic,
it's constantly moving.

Just because you are in a good state now,
you can't try to grab onto it.

All you can do is just observe it
as it fluctuates and moves in dynamic ways

The fear comes from your attachment
and desire to hold on to that good state.

First, you need to avoid attaching yourself to
or obsessing over the current state.

Second, it is for you to realize
that even if you go back,

it's not something
for you to be afraid of.