<Breaking Bad Habits>
(Questioner) I'm very glad to see you again.
Thank you for all the help you've provided for me and a lot of people.
Definitely, your wisdom is very much appreciated and accepted.
I'm doing pretty good lately and, at times, I feel a lot of equanimity.
While there is a lot of peace of mind, there's always a nagging voice in the background.
I'm afraid to go back to my old habits.
Even though I've improved a lot, I do revert back to my old habits at times,
and feel frustrated in those moments.
Practice has been incredible in easing my mental afflictions,
especially as doing many reflections has allowed me to experience equanimity.
I have been able to enjoy the peace for a few weeks.
Still, there's always a nervousness that I'm going to fall back
to the old habitual patterns, and I worry about how easy it is
to go back to the old patterns.
Why is it so difficult to break these habits?
(Sunim) Has your relationship with your daughter improved and
were you able to let go of the issues that were hanging over that relationship?
(Questioner) Yes.
(Sunim) That's great. Let me ask you a question.
Which one is more likely to succeed, trying something for the first time,
or trying what you have succeeded previously and going at it again?
(Questioner) Sometimes it's more difficult to go back and repeat all these patterns.
Sometimes it's a little easier, but let's call it easier to go through new things.
Still there's some difficulty in that too, but it gives a better outcome.
(Sunim) You've experienced some tough times in your life.
Nevertheless, you have applied yourself to practice
and came to a place where you have a peace of mind.
You mentioned that you're still worried about reverting back.
Even if you do go back to your old habits, would it be as severe as it once had been
or would be a little better than what it used to be?
(Questioner) I'll be definitely better knowing what I now know.
Through everything I did to overcome my mental attachments,
I'm much better off in many ways.
I am so glad that I went through the work,
because I definitely think I am in a better place.
(Sunim) Let's say, you started off at minus 10,
then you worked yourself all the way up to plus 10.
Even if you relapse, as you are concerned, you won't relapse all the way to minus 10,
you'll relapse maybe to minus 5, but your starting point is now at minus 5.
Getting to plus 10 or 15 from that point will be much easier than the first time.
So, what I'm trying to say is that even if you relapse,
the intensity is not as bad as before, and you have already built up
the capacity to bring yourself back up.
So there's no reason for you to be concerned.
You need to practice being awake as much as possible in order to not relapse,
but you do not need to worry about falling all the way back to the beginning.
It will be much easier to get back up as you now have the capacity.
So, I'm saying that you should not be scared.
First, you won't relapse.
Second, even if you do, it's going to be easier for you to come back.
You'll do well, there's no need for worries.
Ultimately what I'm trying to say is that there's nothing there for you to be afraid of.
(Questioner) Thank you. You're right and I really get your point.
I cannot say it's greed, but definitely understand now
that even when I relapse to some kind of a mental affliction
or attachment to these habitual patterns, their intensity is much less by far.
I definitely agree with you that from a minus position, possibly I work up to 10.
I agree, you are right. I have already experienced that.
It's good that you mentioned because I do fall but I don't feel
that I fall that deep anymore.
It's good to know, thank you very much.
(Sunim) The fear comes because you are attached to the current state of positivity.
You should just observe that you are in a good state and you are maintaining
equanimity and peace of mind instead of being attached to that state.
Our mind is always dynamic, it's constantly moving.
Just because you are in a good state now, you can't try to grab onto it.
All you can do is just observe it as it fluctuates and moves in dynamic ways
The fear comes from your attachment and desire to hold on to that good state.
First, you need to avoid attaching yourself to or obsessing over the current state.
Second, it is for you to realize that even if you go back,
it's not something for you to be afraid of.