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<Breaking Bad Habits>

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(Questioner) I'm very glad[br]to see you again.

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Thank you for all the help you've provided[br]for me and a lot of people.

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Definitely, your wisdom is very much[br]appreciated and accepted.

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I'm doing pretty good lately [br]and, at times, I feel a lot of equanimity.

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While there is a lot of peace of mind, there's [br]always a nagging voice in the background.

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I'm afraid to go back to my old habits.

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Even though I've improved a lot,[br]I do revert back to my old habits at times,

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and feel frustrated in those moments.

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Practice has been incredible[br]in easing my mental afflictions,

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especially as doing many reflections has[br]allowed me to experience equanimity.

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I have been able to enjoy[br]the peace for a few weeks.

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Still, there's always a nervousness[br]that I'm going to fall back

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to the old habitual patterns, [br]and I worry about how easy it is

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to go back to the old patterns.

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Why is it so difficult to break[br]these habits?

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(Sunim) Has your relationship [br]with your daughter improved and

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were you able to let go of the issues [br]that were hanging over that relationship?

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(Questioner) Yes.

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(Sunim) That's great. [br]Let me ask you a question.

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Which one is more likely to succeed,[br]trying something for the first time,

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or trying what you have succeeded[br]previously and going at it again?

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(Questioner) Sometimes it's more difficult [br]to go back and repeat all these patterns.

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Sometimes it's a little easier, but let's [br]call it easier to go through new things.

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Still there's some difficulty in that too,[br]but it gives a better outcome.

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(Sunim) You've experienced[br]some tough times in your life.

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Nevertheless, you have applied[br]yourself to practice

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and came to a place [br]where you have a peace of mind.

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You mentioned that you're still[br]worried about reverting back.

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Even if you do go back to your old habits,[br]would it be as severe as it once had been

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or would be a little better than[br]what it used to be?

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(Questioner) I'll be definitely[br]better knowing what I now know.

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Through everything I did to overcome[br]my mental attachments,

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I'm much better off in many ways.

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I am so glad that [br]I went through the work,

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because I definitely think[br]I am in a better place.

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(Sunim) Let's say, [br]you started off at minus 10,

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then you worked yourself [br]all the way up to plus 10.

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Even if you relapse, as you are concerned, [br]you won't relapse all the way to minus 10,

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you'll relapse maybe to minus 5,[br]but your starting point is now at minus 5.

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Getting to plus 10 or 15 from that point[br]will be much easier than the first time.

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So, what I'm trying to say is [br]that even if you relapse,

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the intensity is not as bad as before, [br]and you have already built up

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the capacity to bring[br]yourself back up.

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So there's no reason [br]for you to be concerned.

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You need to practice being awake [br]as much as possible in order to not relapse,

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but you do not need to worry about[br]falling all the way back to the beginning.

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It will be much easier to get back up[br]as you now have the capacity.

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So, I'm saying that [br]you should not be scared.

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First, you won't relapse.

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Second, even if you do, it's going to be[br]easier for you to come back.

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You'll do well, [br]there's no need for worries.

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Ultimately what I'm trying to say is that [br]there's nothing there for you to be afraid of.

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(Questioner) Thank you.[br]You're right and I really get your point.

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I cannot say it's greed,[br]but definitely understand now

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that even when I relapse to[br]some kind of a mental affliction

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or attachment to these habitual patterns,[br]their intensity is much less by far.

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I definitely agree with you that from [br]a minus position, possibly I work up to 10.

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I agree, you are right.[br]I have already experienced that.

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It's good that you mentioned[br]because I do fall but I don't feel

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that I fall that deep anymore.

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It's good to know,[br]thank you very much.

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(Sunim) The fear comes because you are [br]attached to the current state of positivity.

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You should just observe that you are [br]in a good state and you are maintaining

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equanimity and peace of mind [br]instead of being attached to that state.

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Our mind is always dynamic,[br]it's constantly moving.

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Just because you are in a good state now, [br]you can't try to grab onto it.

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All you can do is just observe it [br]as it fluctuates and moves in dynamic ways

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The fear comes from your attachment [br]and desire to hold on to that good state.

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First, you need to avoid attaching yourself to[br]or obsessing over the current state.

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Second, it is for you to realize [br]that even if you go back,

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it's not something [br]for you to be afraid of.