StrucciMovies 4 YEAR ANNIVERSARY: looking back and looking forward

- [Shannon] So, four years ago today,

I uploaded the first "So You Wanna Be A Film Nerd" video,

which was the first StrucciMovies video essay,

and the first video on this channel.

I was working a video production job at the time,

and vaguely knew that I was gonna be laid off,

and the first day I found out my layoff date,

I wrote the essay,

and the day after that

I cut it and I put it up.

For something like that--

I definitely made it in response to

"I'm being laid off from this job,

"what am I gonna do next?"

Four years is a long time.

I know I've been through a lot

and changed a lot in the past four years,

and, of course, the channel has changed plenty as well.

Fake Friends 2 is very different

from anything I had made before

in scope and in tone,

and while it's only about half a year old,

putting it out doubled my subscriber count

and almost tripled my Patreon pledges,

which I'm all still adjusting to.

That one video took me from

"Oh no, do I have to eventually give this up,

"and get, like, a real job

"at Starbucks or something?

"Am I wasting my time?

"Am I deluding myself?

"Is this just a glorified hobby?

"Will I ever get past this level

"of working so hard--"

A lot of the videos I made I was making--

the longer videos averaged out

to maybe two or three dollars an hour, if that,

for the work that I put into 'em.

To, all of a sudden,

"Oh, I guess this is a career

"and not a hobby"

which as been a huge boost for me psychologically,

and has already massively changed my life

and my outlook,

and it gives me so much excitement

and hope for the future

of what I'll be able to do with this channel

and with my work in general.

A lot of viewers interpreted the Fake Friends series

as me hating fans

or the idea of having fans,

or me being super resentful of my audience,

but that's pretty far from the truth

of how I feel about my audience

and how I feel about my platform.

I positioned Burnham and McLoughlin as antithetical,

but they aren't really 100% antithetical.

Burnham, as presented in his specials and music,

doesn't straight up hate his fans.

He hates the parasocial,

exploitative aspect of the relationship

and how much validation

he still continues to draw from it.

Particularly his Kanye song:

"Part of me loves you,

"part of me hates you,

"part of me needs you,

"part of me fears you"

through a layer of Auto-Tune

for ironic detachment,

seems to me to be a perfect distillation

of that internal conflict.

Someone antithetical to Jacksepticeye

would straight up hate fans

and feel no guilt when exploiting them,

as many people on this platform do,

whereas Burnham cycles through

those conflicted feelings.

I used those clips to really hammer home

the idea of that conflict

because it was how I felt,

and how I continue to feel as well.

I don't derive validation from my view counts

or how many comments I get or whatever,

and I'm lucky that I don't

because I'd have a very low opinion

of myself if I did,

but I have always taken

a lot of self-worth

from how much I feel I can help other people,

or what impact I'm having

on the world around me.

There's always an element, for me,

of "what am I doing here,

"how can I justify what I'm doing here,

"what am I failing at,

"what could I be doing better?"

And the response to the Film Nerd

and Fake Friends videos

and some of my other videos got,

people saying I made them totally rethink

their relationship with media

and the internet

and helped them realise they were in a bad situation,

people saying I helped them

rethink bigoted language,

people saying I made them more excited

and less elitist about art,

specifically film.

I'm not trying to self-aggrandize,

at all, trust me,

and I know I could do better

and have the potential to do better

and everything,

but every single one of those comments

has been tremendously meaningful to me,

honestly some of them made me cry,

and I take my platform

and its impact

and the responsibilities I have

very seriously,

and the idea of teaching someone

something helpful

or improving someone's life in some way,

or making someone more aware

or more empathetic,

is the highest accomplishment I can imagine

for my work to have.

And I just wanted to say, sincerely,

thank you

to anyone who has ever let their guard down

and engaged with my work in that way,

or who has supported or encouraged my work

or left a thoughtful comment,

whether in agreement

or with constructive criticism,

everyone who said I mumbled

and talked too fast

in my old videos was right

and I should've listened to them sooner (laughs),

because I am grateful.

I'm not entitled to this job

or to this platform

and I am so incredibly lucky to have it,

and I am often blown away

by the support I've gotten.

And this includes other creators, too,

people who have been so kind to me

and so accommodating to me,

and who have shouted out my work

or have been a part of my work

or have had me work with them,

and just the fact that I can sit here

and write a review

for an obscure Korean fantasy webcomic

about a skeleton,

and people will,

instead of laughing me off of the platform,

enjoy it and be on board

and respond to it,

is absolutely wild,

and I don't ever want to lose touch

with how lucky I am

and how weird and fortunate

my life and situation are.

I'm still not your friend,

and I still don't want comments on my appearance

or on who I'm dating

or who I'm friends with,

that's weird.

Especially for someone who is just naturally shy

and wary of attention,

having an audience is weird

and scary

and uncomfortable.

I get a lot more death and rape threats

or, like, pseudo death and rape threats,

and just generally weird, disturbing messages

than I let on that I get,

and I basically have since I started,

that's what being a woman on YouTube is,

but I still really love what I do

and I'm happy to do it,

and it's made possible by my audience.

I've been putting my writing and drawings online

since I was in elementary school,

and putting my videos online

since I was probably in middle school,

and I was often shouting into a void

and getting mostly mean, dismissive feedback,

if there was feedback at all,

but I kept doing it

because I love making art for the sake of making art,

and I would make it either way,

regardless of if anyone paid attention.

The fact that I got my start

making AMVs that nobody watched

and did that for years

before ever editing a video essay

is proof of that.

But because of the support I've gotten,

I'm able to make art for a living,

and the potential for what I'm able to do

is so much wider,

and that's-- I can't--

I don't even know how to internalize that,

or my gratitude in relation to that,

or the feedback that I get,

or the kindness and patience

that people show me,

it's just, it's really incredible,

it's really crazy!

I've been asked what my end goal

or my dream job

or whatever is a few times,

when I've been interviewed

or when I've been on podcasts

or whatever,

and while I would love

to also do work in TV or feature film,

the answer has pretty much always been:

This. YouTube.

But maybe with more money

so that I can do more. (laughs)

Which is becoming--

that's actually becoming a reality now,

which is really wild,

and I'm so happy that I get to do what I want

and talk about what I care about,

and that people are open to responding to it,

no matter how heavy

or weird it gets.

I still have my boundaries,

I'm gonna do what I want

whether or not people respond to it,

people definitely prefer

some videos more than others,

but I dunno,

I debated on what I wanted--

I knew I wanted to do a video

for my four year anniversary,

I thought about what I wanted to do

and I just wanted to--

not necessarily directly at people

who criticize Fake Friends

and say I hate my audience

cos I think that's a bad faith interpretation,

but I did just want to reassess

that I am grateful

and that I do appreciate it,

and that I don't think I'm entitled

to a thousand dollars a video

which is, uh, a lot of money,

or that I'm entitled

to all of the very supportive,

very vulnerable comments that I get,

of people who--

it's hard to leave a comment

saying that something changed your life

cos you might just get some responses

calling you a loser or whatever,

it's hard to be vulnerable in that way,

the internet discourages people

from being vulnerable in that way,

and the fact that people reach out anyway

because they want want to express

that the work that I made helped them

or changed them,

it's really wild,

so thank you!

I'm gonna keep doing this

as long as I can,

maybe Patreon will collapse,

maybe YouTube will get shut down

cos there's so much horrible stuff on the platform

and advertisers seem to be pulling out,

but for now,

I'm gonna keep doing it,

and, um, now I'm just rambling.

I am, of course,

working on more reviews

and more video essays,

I always say that,

and I'm working on more short films,

Critical Bits has been going really well,

Critical Bits has been going super well,

I know that it's very different

from what my YouTube audience is accustomed to,

but it's been such a great creative outlet

and I've really enjoyed having the opportunity

to kind of start over with a fanbase,

with more boundaries

and with a character that people can focus on,

versus people being weird

and focusing on me.

We're actually-- we're about to have Jack Packard on

from Red Letter Media,

that'll be late March

when that episode comes out, I think.

Jack's been very-- a bunch of people

have been very supportive of the show.

- Thanks for listening to our dumb (bleep) show.
(laughing)

It was crazy

whenever you tweeted about us,

cos I was like "why is he doing this?"

- [Shannon] Obviously there's a horrible dark side

to the internet

and to being a content creator

and to putting yourself out there,

and so many dangers about

seeking that kind of validation,

and empty validation and everything,

but this year so far,

it's been so fun,

and just awesome,

and I have so much cool stuff

that I'm excited to put on the channel,

and so much cool stuff

that I hope to make in the future.

I think I've said this outside of Youtube,

but for Fake Friends 3

I want to make a real documentary

with interviews of people,

hopefully academics,

maybe some content creators,

maybe some bigger name people,

I want to actually go out and film

and record interviews,

that is not within my scope yet,

I think just as soon as I realized

I was making more money

my plans for it got way bigger

and now I'm not going to settle

so it might take a while to make it.

I'm so excited that that's even a possibility

and it just--

thinking of the person

that I was in 2015

when I started this channel,

I'm a much happier person now

and I believe in myself

and the work that I'm doing a lot more,

and I'm a much more confident person.

And I complain a lot,

and there's a lot to complain about

with harassment and everything,

but I for real am really happy

and really grateful

and really excited

over the next couple of years.

I really sincerely would be happy

to just keep doing this forever.

I don't need to transition into television

or whatever,

or transition into feature filmmaking

with wide distribution

to feel validated

because, like I said,

I get validation when I feel like

my work has meant something to someone

and so many people have been so kind

in their responses,

so I'm really happy, for now.

I'm really happy with the work that I do

and with its potential,

and I had a script and I've just gone off of it

and I'm just rambling, um,

yeah.

So, thanks!