- [Shannon] So, four years ago today,
I uploaded the first "So You Wanna Be A Film Nerd" video,
which was the first StrucciMovies video essay,
and the first video on this channel.
I was working a video production job at the time,
and vaguely knew that I was gonna be laid off,
and the first day I found out my layoff date,
I wrote the essay,
and the day after that
I cut it and I put it up.
For something like that--
I definitely made it in response to
"I'm being laid off from this job,
"what am I gonna do next?"
Four years is a long time.
I know I've been through a lot
and changed a lot in the past four years,
and, of course, the channel has changed plenty as well.
Fake Friends 2 is very different
from anything I had made before
in scope and in tone,
and while it's only about half a year old,
putting it out doubled my subscriber count
and almost tripled my Patreon pledges,
which I'm all still adjusting to.
That one video took me from
"Oh no, do I have to eventually give this up,
"and get, like, a real job
"at Starbucks or something?
"Am I wasting my time?
"Am I deluding myself?
"Is this just a glorified hobby?
"Will I ever get past this level
"of working so hard--"
A lot of the videos I made I was making--
the longer videos averaged out
to maybe two or three dollars an hour, if that,
for the work that I put into 'em.
To, all of a sudden,
"Oh, I guess this is a career
"and not a hobby"
which as been a huge boost for me psychologically,
and has already massively changed my life
and my outlook,
and it gives me so much excitement
and hope for the future
of what I'll be able to do with this channel
and with my work in general.
A lot of viewers interpreted the Fake Friends series
as me hating fans
or the idea of having fans,
or me being super resentful of my audience,
but that's pretty far from the truth
of how I feel about my audience
and how I feel about my platform.
I positioned Burnham and McLoughlin as antithetical,
but they aren't really 100% antithetical.
Burnham, as presented in his specials and music,
doesn't straight up hate his fans.
He hates the parasocial,
exploitative aspect of the relationship
and how much validation
he still continues to draw from it.
Particularly his Kanye song:
"Part of me loves you,
"part of me hates you,
"part of me needs you,
"part of me fears you"
through a layer of Auto-Tune
for ironic detachment,
seems to me to be a perfect distillation
of that internal conflict.
Someone antithetical to Jacksepticeye
would straight up hate fans
and feel no guilt when exploiting them,
as many people on this platform do,
whereas Burnham cycles through
those conflicted feelings.
I used those clips to really hammer home
the idea of that conflict
because it was how I felt,
and how I continue to feel as well.
I don't derive validation from my view counts
or how many comments I get or whatever,
and I'm lucky that I don't
because I'd have a very low opinion
of myself if I did,
but I have always taken
a lot of self-worth
from how much I feel I can help other people,
or what impact I'm having
on the world around me.
There's always an element, for me,
of "what am I doing here,
"how can I justify what I'm doing here,
"what am I failing at,
"what could I be doing better?"
And the response to the Film Nerd
and Fake Friends videos
and some of my other videos got,
people saying I made them totally rethink
their relationship with media
and the internet
and helped them realise they were in a bad situation,
people saying I helped them
rethink bigoted language,
people saying I made them more excited
and less elitist about art,
specifically film.
I'm not trying to self-aggrandize,
at all, trust me,
and I know I could do better
and have the potential to do better
and everything,
but every single one of those comments
has been tremendously meaningful to me,
honestly some of them made me cry,
and I take my platform
and its impact
and the responsibilities I have
very seriously,
and the idea of teaching someone
something helpful
or improving someone's life in some way,
or making someone more aware
or more empathetic,
is the highest accomplishment I can imagine
for my work to have.
And I just wanted to say, sincerely,
thank you
to anyone who has ever let their guard down
and engaged with my work in that way,
or who has supported or encouraged my work
or left a thoughtful comment,
whether in agreement
or with constructive criticism,
everyone who said I mumbled
and talked too fast
in my old videos was right
and I should've listened to them sooner (laughs),
because I am grateful.
I'm not entitled to this job
or to this platform
and I am so incredibly lucky to have it,
and I am often blown away
by the support I've gotten.
And this includes other creators, too,
people who have been so kind to me
and so accommodating to me,
and who have shouted out my work
or have been a part of my work
or have had me work with them,
and just the fact that I can sit here
and write a review
for an obscure Korean fantasy webcomic
about a skeleton,
and people will,
instead of laughing me off of the platform,
enjoy it and be on board
and respond to it,
is absolutely wild,
and I don't ever want to lose touch
with how lucky I am
and how weird and fortunate
my life and situation are.
I'm still not your friend,
and I still don't want comments on my appearance
or on who I'm dating
or who I'm friends with,
that's weird.
Especially for someone who is just naturally shy
and wary of attention,
having an audience is weird
and scary
and uncomfortable.
I get a lot more death and rape threats
or, like, pseudo death and rape threats,
and just generally weird, disturbing messages
than I let on that I get,
and I basically have since I started,
that's what being a woman on YouTube is,
but I still really love what I do
and I'm happy to do it,
and it's made possible by my audience.
I've been putting my writing and drawings online
since I was in elementary school,
and putting my videos online
since I was probably in middle school,
and I was often shouting into a void
and getting mostly mean, dismissive feedback,
if there was feedback at all,
but I kept doing it
because I love making art for the sake of making art,
and I would make it either way,
regardless of if anyone paid attention.
The fact that I got my start
making AMVs that nobody watched
and did that for years
before ever editing a video essay
is proof of that.
But because of the support I've gotten,
I'm able to make art for a living,
and the potential for what I'm able to do
is so much wider,
and that's-- I can't--
I don't even know how to internalize that,
or my gratitude in relation to that,
or the feedback that I get,
or the kindness and patience
that people show me,
it's just, it's really incredible,
it's really crazy!
I've been asked what my end goal
or my dream job
or whatever is a few times,
when I've been interviewed
or when I've been on podcasts
or whatever,
and while I would love
to also do work in TV or feature film,
the answer has pretty much always been:
This. YouTube.
But maybe with more money
so that I can do more. (laughs)
Which is becoming--
that's actually becoming a reality now,
which is really wild,
and I'm so happy that I get to do what I want
and talk about what I care about,
and that people are open to responding to it,
no matter how heavy
or weird it gets.
I still have my boundaries,
I'm gonna do what I want
whether or not people respond to it,
people definitely prefer
some videos more than others,
but I dunno,
I debated on what I wanted--
I knew I wanted to do a video
for my four year anniversary,
I thought about what I wanted to do
and I just wanted to--
not necessarily directly at people
who criticize Fake Friends
and say I hate my audience
cos I think that's a bad faith interpretation,
but I did just want to reassess
that I am grateful
and that I do appreciate it,
and that I don't think I'm entitled
to a thousand dollars a video
which is, uh, a lot of money,
or that I'm entitled
to all of the very supportive,
very vulnerable comments that I get,
of people who--
it's hard to leave a comment
saying that something changed your life
cos you might just get some responses
calling you a loser or whatever,
it's hard to be vulnerable in that way,
the internet discourages people
from being vulnerable in that way,
and the fact that people reach out anyway
because they want want to express
that the work that I made helped them
or changed them,
it's really wild,
so thank you!
I'm gonna keep doing this
as long as I can,
maybe Patreon will collapse,
maybe YouTube will get shut down
cos there's so much horrible stuff on the platform
and advertisers seem to be pulling out,
but for now,
I'm gonna keep doing it,
and, um, now I'm just rambling.
I am, of course,
working on more reviews
and more video essays,
I always say that,
and I'm working on more short films,
Critical Bits has been going really well,
Critical Bits has been going super well,
I know that it's very different
from what my YouTube audience is accustomed to,
but it's been such a great creative outlet
and I've really enjoyed having the opportunity
to kind of start over with a fanbase,
with more boundaries
and with a character that people can focus on,
versus people being weird
and focusing on me.
We're actually-- we're about to have Jack Packard on
from Red Letter Media,
that'll be late March
when that episode comes out, I think.
Jack's been very-- a bunch of people
have been very supportive of the show.
- Thanks for listening to our dumb (bleep) show. (laughing)
It was crazy
whenever you tweeted about us,
cos I was like "why is he doing this?"
- [Shannon] Obviously there's a horrible dark side
to the internet
and to being a content creator
and to putting yourself out there,
and so many dangers about
seeking that kind of validation,
and empty validation and everything,
but this year so far,
it's been so fun,
and just awesome,
and I have so much cool stuff
that I'm excited to put on the channel,
and so much cool stuff
that I hope to make in the future.
I think I've said this outside of Youtube,
but for Fake Friends 3
I want to make a real documentary
with interviews of people,
hopefully academics,
maybe some content creators,
maybe some bigger name people,
I want to actually go out and film
and record interviews,
that is not within my scope yet,
I think just as soon as I realized
I was making more money
my plans for it got way bigger
and now I'm not going to settle
so it might take a while to make it.
I'm so excited that that's even a possibility
and it just--
thinking of the person
that I was in 2015
when I started this channel,
I'm a much happier person now
and I believe in myself
and the work that I'm doing a lot more,
and I'm a much more confident person.
And I complain a lot,
and there's a lot to complain about
with harassment and everything,
but I for real am really happy
and really grateful
and really excited
over the next couple of years.
I really sincerely would be happy
to just keep doing this forever.
I don't need to transition into television
or whatever,
or transition into feature filmmaking
with wide distribution
to feel validated
because, like I said,
I get validation when I feel like
my work has meant something to someone
and so many people have been so kind
in their responses,
so I'm really happy, for now.
I'm really happy with the work that I do
and with its potential,
and I had a script and I've just gone off of it
and I'm just rambling, um,
yeah.
So, thanks!