Jeff Dunham - Achmed the Dead Terrorist

-Achmed the Dead Terrorist.

[cheers and applause]

[laughter]

-Good evening, Achmed.

-Good evening... infedel.

-So you're a terrorist.

-Yes, I am a terrorist.

-What kind of terrorist?

-A terrifying... terrorist.

[laughter]

Are you scared?

-Not really, no.

-[growls]

[laughter]

And now?

-Not really, no.

-Ah-ha!!

How 'bout now?

-No.

-God damn it.

Oh, oh...

I mean... Allah damn it.

[laughter]

Silence!

I kill you!

[laughter]

-So, Achmed.

-No no, it's Accchmed.

-That's what I said.

-No, you said Achmed.

it's Accchmed.

[laughter]

Silence!

I kill you!

[laughter]

-How do you spell it?

-What?

[laughter]

-How do you spell your name?

-Oh let's see now,

A, C...

phlegm...

[laughter]

Silence!

I kill you!

[laughter]

-So Achmed, if you're a terrorist, I suppose you have some sort of specialty.

-Yes, I am a suicide bomber.

-Ah, so you're finished.

-What?

-You've done your job.

-No I haven't.

-But you're dead.

-No I'm not.

I feel fine.

[laughter]

-But you're all bone.

-It's a flesh wound.

[laughter]

Silence!

I kill you!

[laughter]

What the hell happened to my feet?

Son of bitch, what the hell?

Oh wait a minute, what the hell--

what the-- stop it- what are you doing to me?

Stop touching me!

[laughter]

I kill you!

-Just hold on, we'll fix this.

-What are you doing? Holy crap, I'm in the air.

Wait, something is tangled.

I need some ligaments.

[laughter]

-Just sit still.

-Okay.

I will not move my ass.

-You idiot, you don't have an ass.

[laughter]

-Is that Walter?

He scares the crap out of me.

[laughter]

Please do not put me back in the same suitcase.

-Why?

-He has gas.

[laughter]

Saddam's mustard gas was nothing compared to a Walter fort.

[laughter]

[Walter laughs]

[laughter and applause]

It's not funny!

He will kill us.

-Listen, Achmed, I have something to tell you.

-What?

-You really are dead.

-Are you sure?

-Yes.

-I just got my flu shot.

-You really are dead.

-Wait, if i'm dead,

[gasps] that means I get my 72 virgins!

[laughter]

Are you my virgins?

I hope not.

-Why?

-There's a bunch of ugly-ass guys out there.

[laughter]

If this is paradise, I've been screwed.

-Well, did they say it would be only female virgins?

-Holy crap!

[laughter]

Wait, I could have Clay Aiken.

[laughter and shocked reactions]

-I told a joke.

-So listen Achmed, where did you come from?

-Your freakin' suitcase.

[mimicks laughter]

I told another one.

-Look, if you've been in my suitcase all this time,

how did you get through security in the airports?

-Oh that's easy,

they open the case and I go, "Hello!

I am Lindsay Lohan!"

[laughter]

I told another joke.

I can do this crap too.

Okay, here's another one.

Two jews walk into bar.

-No.

-What? You don't let jews in your bar?

You racist bastard.

-What I mean is I don't want racist jokes in my act.

-Okay, what if I kill the Jews?

-No.

-I'm kidding, I would not kill the Jews, no.

I would toss a penny between them and watch them fight to the death.

[laughter]

[mimics laughter]

Yes yes, I did the same thing with two Catholic priests,

but I tossed in a small boy.

[laughter]

Yes, yes, and the winner had to fight Michael Jackson.

[laughter]

-Achmed.

-What?

-Stop doing this, you can't tell jokes like that.

-Why not? I'm killing, so to speak.

-No, you can't tell jokes like that.

-Why?

-It offends people.

-Oh, I'm dead, what do I care?

What do you want me to do, knock-knock jokes?

-That'd probably be better.

-Okay, knock-knock.

-Who's there?

-Me. I kill you.

[laughter]

-So look, as a suicide bomber, have you had training?

-Of course, we had the suicide bomber training camp.

-Ah, is that a nice facility?

-It used to be.

[laughter]

-What happened?

-New guy.

[laughter]

The idiot tried to practice.

-And what did you guys learn from that?

-Location, location, location.

-So you guys have any kind of motto?

-Like what?

-Like, "We're looking for a few good men."

-"We're looking for some idiots with no future."

[laughter]

-So where do you get your recruits?

-The suicide hotline.

[mimics laughter]

That was dark, was it not?

-So what exactly happened to you?

-Huh?

-What happened?

-Oh, if you must know,

I am a horrible suicide bomber.

-What happened?

-I had a premature detonation.

[laughter]

I set the timer for 30 minutes, but it went off in four seconds.

You know what that's like, right?

[shocked laughter]

Mr. Hurricane.

[Walter laughs]

-So Achmed, what exactly happened to you?

-I was getting gasoline and I answered my cell phone.

Can you hear me now--

At first I thought it was because I went over my minutes.

-That's too bad.

-It's okay, I took that Verizon bastard with me.

[laughter]

-So what's it like to die?

Do you see a white light?

-If you're dumb enough to watch the explosion, yes.

-No, some people say when they die, they see a white light.

What did you see?

-I saw flying car parts.

-What the last thing that went through your mind?

-My ass.

[laughter]

[mimics laughter]

Walter told me to tell that joke.

-So you never saw a white light.

-No, but I saw a blue Prius.

Do you really have one of those vehicles?

[laughs]

That is not a car, that's a lunchbox.

Did you know when you're going down a highway in a Prius,

if you put your hand out the window, the vehicle would turn?

-You did all this for a bunch of virgins?

-Are you kidding me, I'd kill you for a Klondike bar.

[laughter]

-So I guess you're Muslim.

-I don't think so.

-You're not Muslim?

-No.

-Why?

-Look on my ass, it says "Made in China."

[laughter]

Walter says I'm just a stinking Halloween decoration.

[laughter]

-So do you like being in DC?

-I think some idiots must live here.

-Why?

-For example, the Washington Monument.

-Yes.

-It looks nothing like the guy.

[laughter]

It looks more like a tribute to Bill Clinton.

[wild laughter]

-What do you think of Bush?

-Oh, I love-- Oh you mean the president, I'm sorry.

-And that's Achmed the Dead Terrorist, there you go!

[cheers and applause]

Captioned by SpongeSebastian