-Achmed the Dead Terrorist.
[cheers and applause]
[laughter]
-Good evening, Achmed.
-Good evening... infedel.
-So you're a terrorist.
-Yes, I am a terrorist.
-What kind of terrorist?
-A terrifying... terrorist.
[laughter]
Are you scared?
-Not really, no.
-[growls]
[laughter]
And now?
-Not really, no.
-Ah-ha!!
How 'bout now?
-No.
-God damn it.
Oh, oh...
I mean... Allah damn it.
[laughter]
Silence!
I kill you!
[laughter]
-So, Achmed.
-No no, it's Accchmed.
-That's what I said.
-No, you said Achmed.
it's Accchmed.
[laughter]
Silence!
I kill you!
[laughter]
-How do you spell it?
-What?
[laughter]
-How do you spell your name?
-Oh let's see now,
A, C...
phlegm...
[laughter]
Silence!
I kill you!
[laughter]
-So Achmed, if you're a terrorist, I suppose you have some sort of specialty.
-Yes, I am a suicide bomber.
-Ah, so you're finished.
-What?
-You've done your job.
-No I haven't.
-But you're dead.
-No I'm not.
I feel fine.
[laughter]
-But you're all bone.
-It's a flesh wound.
[laughter]
Silence!
I kill you!
[laughter]
What the hell happened to my feet?
Son of bitch, what the hell?
Oh wait a minute, what the hell--
what the-- stop it- what are you doing to me?
Stop touching me!
[laughter]
I kill you!
-Just hold on, we'll fix this.
-What are you doing? Holy crap, I'm in the air.
Wait, something is tangled.
I need some ligaments.
[laughter]
-Just sit still.
-Okay.
I will not move my ass.
-You idiot, you don't have an ass.
[laughter]
-Is that Walter?
He scares the crap out of me.
[laughter]
Please do not put me back in the same suitcase.
-Why?
-He has gas.
[laughter]
Saddam's mustard gas was nothing compared to a Walter fort.
[laughter]
[Walter laughs]
[laughter and applause]
It's not funny!
He will kill us.
-Listen, Achmed, I have something to tell you.
-What?
-You really are dead.
-Are you sure?
-Yes.
-I just got my flu shot.
-You really are dead.
-Wait, if i'm dead,
[gasps] that means I get my 72 virgins!
[laughter]
Are you my virgins?
I hope not.
-Why?
-There's a bunch of ugly-ass guys out there.
[laughter]
If this is paradise, I've been screwed.
-Well, did they say it would be only female virgins?
-Holy crap!
[laughter]
Wait, I could have Clay Aiken.
[laughter and shocked reactions]
-I told a joke.
-So listen Achmed, where did you come from?
-Your freakin' suitcase.
[mimicks laughter]
I told another one.
-Look, if you've been in my suitcase all this time,
how did you get through security in the airports?
-Oh that's easy,
they open the case and I go, "Hello!
I am Lindsay Lohan!"
[laughter]
I told another joke.
I can do this crap too.
Okay, here's another one.
Two jews walk into bar.
-No.
-What? You don't let jews in your bar?
You racist bastard.
-What I mean is I don't want racist jokes in my act.
-Okay, what if I kill the Jews?
-No.
-I'm kidding, I would not kill the Jews, no.
I would toss a penny between them and watch them fight to the death.
[laughter]
[mimics laughter]
Yes yes, I did the same thing with two Catholic priests,
but I tossed in a small boy.
[laughter]
Yes, yes, and the winner had to fight Michael Jackson.
[laughter]
-Achmed.
-What?
-Stop doing this, you can't tell jokes like that.
-Why not? I'm killing, so to speak.
-No, you can't tell jokes like that.
-Why?
-It offends people.
-Oh, I'm dead, what do I care?
What do you want me to do, knock-knock jokes?
-That'd probably be better.
-Okay, knock-knock.
-Who's there?
-Me. I kill you.
[laughter]
-So look, as a suicide bomber, have you had training?
-Of course, we had the suicide bomber training camp.
-Ah, is that a nice facility?
-It used to be.
[laughter]
-What happened?
-New guy.
[laughter]
The idiot tried to practice.
-And what did you guys learn from that?
-Location, location, location.
-So you guys have any kind of motto?
-Like what?
-Like, "We're looking for a few good men."
-"We're looking for some idiots with no future."
[laughter]
-So where do you get your recruits?
-The suicide hotline.
[mimics laughter]
That was dark, was it not?
-So what exactly happened to you?
-Huh?
-What happened?
-Oh, if you must know,
I am a horrible suicide bomber.
-What happened?
-I had a premature detonation.
[laughter]
I set the timer for 30 minutes, but it went off in four seconds.
You know what that's like, right?
[shocked laughter]
Mr. Hurricane.
[Walter laughs]
-So Achmed, what exactly happened to you?
-I was getting gasoline and I answered my cell phone.
Can you hear me now--
At first I thought it was because I went over my minutes.
-That's too bad.
-It's okay, I took that Verizon bastard with me.
[laughter]
-So what's it like to die?
Do you see a white light?
-If you're dumb enough to watch the explosion, yes.
-No, some people say when they die, they see a white light.
What did you see?
-I saw flying car parts.
-What the last thing that went through your mind?
-My ass.
[laughter]
[mimics laughter]
Walter told me to tell that joke.
-So you never saw a white light.
-No, but I saw a blue Prius.
Do you really have one of those vehicles?
[laughs]
That is not a car, that's a lunchbox.
Did you know when you're going down a highway in a Prius,
if you put your hand out the window, the vehicle would turn?
-You did all this for a bunch of virgins?
-Are you kidding me, I'd kill you for a Klondike bar.
[laughter]
-So I guess you're Muslim.
-I don't think so.
-You're not Muslim?
-No.
-Why?
-Look on my ass, it says "Made in China."
[laughter]
Walter says I'm just a stinking Halloween decoration.
[laughter]
-So do you like being in DC?
-I think some idiots must live here.
-Why?
-For example, the Washington Monument.
-Yes.
-It looks nothing like the guy.
[laughter]
It looks more like a tribute to Bill Clinton.
[wild laughter]
-What do you think of Bush?
-Oh, I love-- Oh you mean the president, I'm sorry.
-And that's Achmed the Dead Terrorist, there you go!
[cheers and applause]
Captioned by SpongeSebastian