-Achmed the Dead Terrorist. [cheers and applause] [laughter] -Good evening, Achmed. -Good evening... infedel. -So you're a terrorist. -Yes, I am a terrorist. -What kind of terrorist? -A terrifying... terrorist. [laughter] Are you scared? -Not really, no. -[growls] [laughter] And now? -Not really, no. -Ah-ha!! How 'bout now? -No. -God damn it. Oh, oh... I mean... Allah damn it. [laughter] Silence! I kill you! [laughter] -So, Achmed. -No no, it's Accchmed. -That's what I said. -No, you said Achmed. it's Accchmed. [laughter] Silence! I kill you! [laughter] -How do you spell it? -What? [laughter] -How do you spell your name? -Oh let's see now, A, C... phlegm... [laughter] Silence! I kill you! [laughter] -So Achmed, if you're a terrorist, I suppose you have some sort of specialty. -Yes, I am a suicide bomber. -Ah, so you're finished. -What? -You've done your job. -No I haven't. -But you're dead. -No I'm not. I feel fine. [laughter] -But you're all bone. -It's a flesh wound. [laughter] Silence! I kill you! [laughter] What the hell happened to my feet? Son of bitch, what the hell? Oh wait a minute, what the hell-- what the-- stop it- what are you doing to me? Stop touching me! [laughter] I kill you! -Just hold on, we'll fix this. -What are you doing? Holy crap, I'm in the air. Wait, something is tangled. I need some ligaments. [laughter] -Just sit still. -Okay. I will not move my ass. -You idiot, you don't have an ass. [laughter] -Is that Walter? He scares the crap out of me. [laughter] Please do not put me back in the same suitcase. -Why? -He has gas. [laughter] Saddam's mustard gas was nothing compared to a Walter fort. [laughter] [Walter laughs] [laughter and applause] It's not funny! He will kill us. -Listen, Achmed, I have something to tell you. -What? -You really are dead. -Are you sure? -Yes. -I just got my flu shot. -You really are dead. -Wait, if i'm dead, [gasps] that means I get my 72 virgins! [laughter] Are you my virgins? I hope not. -Why? -There's a bunch of ugly-ass guys out there. [laughter] If this is paradise, I've been screwed. -Well, did they say it would be only female virgins? -Holy crap! [laughter] Wait, I could have Clay Aiken. [laughter and shocked reactions] -I told a joke. -So listen Achmed, where did you come from? -Your freakin' suitcase. [mimicks laughter] I told another one. -Look, if you've been in my suitcase all this time, how did you get through security in the airports? -Oh that's easy, they open the case and I go, "Hello! I am Lindsay Lohan!" [laughter] I told another joke. I can do this crap too. Okay, here's another one. Two jews walk into bar. -No. -What? You don't let jews in your bar? You racist bastard. -What I mean is I don't want racist jokes in my act. -Okay, what if I kill the Jews? -No. -I'm kidding, I would not kill the Jews, no. I would toss a penny between them and watch them fight to the death. [laughter] [mimics laughter] Yes yes, I did the same thing with two Catholic priests, but I tossed in a small boy. [laughter] Yes, yes, and the winner had to fight Michael Jackson. [laughter] -Achmed. -What? -Stop doing this, you can't tell jokes like that. -Why not? I'm killing, so to speak. -No, you can't tell jokes like that. -Why? -It offends people. -Oh, I'm dead, what do I care? What do you want me to do, knock-knock jokes? -That'd probably be better. -Okay, knock-knock. -Who's there? -Me. I kill you. [laughter] -So look, as a suicide bomber, have you had training? -Of course, we had the suicide bomber training camp. -Ah, is that a nice facility? -It used to be. [laughter] -What happened? -New guy. [laughter] The idiot tried to practice. -And what did you guys learn from that? -Location, location, location. -So you guys have any kind of motto? -Like what? -Like, "We're looking for a few good men." -"We're looking for some idiots with no future." [laughter] -So where do you get your recruits? -The suicide hotline. [mimics laughter] That was dark, was it not? -So what exactly happened to you? -Huh? -What happened? -Oh, if you must know, I am a horrible suicide bomber. -What happened? -I had a premature detonation. [laughter] I set the timer for 30 minutes, but it went off in four seconds. You know what that's like, right? [shocked laughter] Mr. Hurricane. [Walter laughs] -So Achmed, what exactly happened to you? -I was getting gasoline and I answered my cell phone. Can you hear me now-- At first I thought it was because I went over my minutes. -That's too bad. -It's okay, I took that Verizon bastard with me. [laughter] -So what's it like to die? Do you see a white light? -If you're dumb enough to watch the explosion, yes. -No, some people say when they die, they see a white light. What did you see? -I saw flying car parts. -What the last thing that went through your mind? -My ass. [laughter] [mimics laughter] Walter told me to tell that joke. -So you never saw a white light. -No, but I saw a blue Prius. Do you really have one of those vehicles? [laughs] That is not a car, that's a lunchbox. Did you know when you're going down a highway in a Prius, if you put your hand out the window, the vehicle would turn? -You did all this for a bunch of virgins? -Are you kidding me, I'd kill you for a Klondike bar. [laughter] -So I guess you're Muslim. -I don't think so. -You're not Muslim? -No. -Why? -Look on my ass, it says "Made in China." [laughter] Walter says I'm just a stinking Halloween decoration. [laughter] -So do you like being in DC? -I think some idiots must live here. -Why? -For example, the Washington Monument. -Yes. -It looks nothing like the guy. [laughter] It looks more like a tribute to Bill Clinton. [wild laughter] -What do you think of Bush? -Oh, I love-- Oh you mean the president, I'm sorry. -And that's Achmed the Dead Terrorist, there you go! [cheers and applause] Captioned by SpongeSebastian