Meeting the enemy: a feminist comes to terms with the men's rights movement | Cassie Jaye | TEDxMarin

By facing long-held assumptions, one woman reevaluates her own gender biases. Documentary Filmmaker, The Red Pill Cassie Jaye founded Jaye Bird Productions in 2008, which has since produced a collection of documentary films that have been praised for being thought-provoking, entertaining and respectful in representing multiple competing views within each film.

Jaye is known for tackling complex and often controversial subject matters. Her latest film is The Red Pill. Prior to The Red Pill, Jaye's most notable films were the award-winning feature documentaries Daddy I Do (which examined the Abstinence-Only Movement versus Comprehensive Sex Education) and The Right to Love: An American Family (which followed one family’s activism fighting for same-sex marriage rights in California).

This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at https://www.ted.com/tedx

In 2013, I decided to meet my enemies.

I was a 27-year-old, award-winning
documentary filmmaker

and a proud feminist.

And I was determined
to expose the dark underbelly

of the men's rights movement.

At that point, all I knew
of the men's rights movement

was from what I'd read online,

that it's a misogynistic hate group
actively working against women's equality.

Well, the vast majority
of my previous work

was about women's issues.

I directed documentaries
about reproductive rights,

single motherhood,

and the need for more girls
to get into STEM education.

So when I learned that no one had ever
documented the men's rights movement

in a film before,

I saw it as an opportunity
to continue fighting for women's equality

by exposing those preventing it.

So for one year, I traveled North America

meeting the leaders and followers
of the men's rights movement.

I spent anywhere
from two hours up to eight hours,

interviewing each individual
men's rights activist,

also known as MRA,

and I filmed 44 people total.

And there is an important rule
in documentary filmmaking.

As an interviewer, you do not interrupt.

So I'm asking questions,
and I'm getting their full life story.

And in the moment, I didn't realize it,

but now looking back I can see,

that while I was conducting my interviews,
I wasn't actually listening.

I was hearing them speak,

and I knew the cameras were recording,

but in those moments
of sitting across from my enemy,

I wasn't listening.

What was I doing?

I was anticipating.

I was waiting to hear a sentence,

or even just a couple
of words in succession

that proved what I wanted to believe:

that I had found the misogynist.

The ground zero of the war on women.

A couple of times, I thought I had it.

There was one men's rights activist

that said to me,

"Just walk outside and look around,

everything you see was built by a man."

Oh!

That statement felt anti-women.

I felt my jaw clench,

but I sat quietly,
as a documentarian should,

while removing all the space
between my upper and lower molars.

(Laughter)

After my year of filming,

I was reviewing the 100 hours
of footage I had gathered,

replaying and transcribing it,

which believe me when I say

no one will ever listen to you more
than someone who transcribes your words.

You should write that down.

(Laughter)

So,

I was typing out every word meticulously,

and through that process,
I began to realize

that my initial knee-jerk reactions
to certain statements

weren't really warranted,

and my feeling offended
did not hold up to intense scrutiny.

Was that statement about men

having built the skyscrapers
and the bridges anti-women?

I thought, well, what would
be the gender-reverse scenario?

Maybe a feminist saying:

Just look around,

everyone you see was birthed by a woman.

Wow!

That's a powerful statement.

And it's true.

Is it anti-male?

I don't think so.

I think it's acknowledging our unique
and valued contributions to our society.

Well, luckily,

while I was making The Red Pill movie,

I kept a video diary which ended up
tracking my evolving views,

and in looking back on the 37 diaries
I recorded that year,

there was a common theme.

I would often hear
an innocent, valid point

that a men's rights activist would make,

but in my head,

I would add on to their statements,
a sexist or anti-woman spin,

assuming that's what they
wanted to say but didn't.

So here are two examples
of how that would go.

A men's rights activist,
an MRA, would say to me,

"There are over 2,000
domestic violence shelters

for women in the United States.

But only one for men.

Yet, multiple reputable studies show
that men are just as likely to be abused."

I would hear them say,

"We don't need 2,000 shelters for women.

They're all lying about being abused.

It's all a scam."

But in looking back
on all the footages I've gathered

of men's rights activists
talking about shelters

and all the blogs they've written

and the video live-streams
they have posted on YouTube,

they are not trying
to defund women's shelters.

Not at all.

All they're saying
is that men can be abused too,

and they deserve care and compassion.

Second example.

A men's rights activist would say to me,

"Where is justice for the man
who was falsely accused of raping a woman,

and because of this accusation,

he loses his college scholarship

and is branded with the inescapable
title of a rapist."

I would hear them say,

"A woman being raped isn't a big deal."

It's as if I didn't hear the word
"falsely" accused of rape.

All I heard was, "He was accused of rape."

Of course, rape is a big deal,

and all the men's rights activists I met
agreed it is a horrible thing

to have happened to anyone.

I eventually realized what they are saying

is they are trying to add
to the gender equality discussion,

who is standing up

for the good-hearted, honorable man
that loses his scholarship, his job,

or worse yet, his children,

because he is accused of something
he absolutely did not do?

(Sighs)

Well, I couldn't keep denying
the points they were making.

There are real issues.

But in my effort to avoid agreeing
with my enemy completely,

I changed from putting words
in their mouth

to acknowledging the issue
but insisting they are women's issues.

So here are two examples
of how that would go.

A men's rights activist would say to me,

"Men are far more likely
to lose their child in a custody battle."

And I would counter:

"Well, because women are unfairly
expected to be the caretaker.

It's discrimination against women
that women get custody more often."

Yes.

(Laughter)

I am not proud of that.

(Laughter)

Second example.

An MRA would say to me,

"Men are roughly 78% of all suicides
throughout the world."

And I would counter with:

"But women attempt suicide more often.

So ha!

(Laughter)

Ha?

It's not a contest.

But I kept making it into one.

Why couldn't I simply learn
about men's issues

and have compassion for male victims

without jumping at the opportunity
to insist that women are the real victims.

Well, after years of researching
and fact-checking,

what the men's rights activists
were telling me,

there is no denying that there are
many human rights issues

that disproportionately
or uniquely affect men.

Paternity fraud uniquely affects men.

The United States Selective Service
in the case of a draft

still uniquely affects men.

Workplace deaths: disproportionately men.

War deaths: overwhelmingly men.

Suicide: overwhelmingly men.

Sentencing disparity, life expectancy,

child custody, child support,

false rape allegations,
criminal court bias,

misandry, failure launched,

boys falling behind in education,

homelessness, veterans issues,

infant male genital mutilation,

lack of parental choice
once a child is conceived,

lack of resources for male victims
of domestic violence,

so many issues that are heartbreaking,

if you are the victim

or you love someone who is the victim
unto any one of these issues.

These are men's issues.

And most people can't name one

because they think,

"Well, men have all their rights;
they have all the power and privilege."

But these issues
deserve to be acknowledged.

They deserve care, attention,

and motivation for solutions.

Before making The Red Pill movie,
I was a feminist of about ten years,

and I thought I was well-versed
on gender equality issues.

But it wasn't until I met
men's rights activists

that I finally started
to consider the other side

of the gender equality equation.

It doesn't mean I agree
with all that they've said.

But I saw the immense value
in listening to them

and trying to see the world
through their eyes.

I thought if I could get my audience
to also listen to them,

it could serve as a rung on the ladder,

bringing us all up
to a higher consciousness

about gender equality.

So in October 2016,

the film was released in theaters,

and articles and critic reviews
started to roll in.

And that's when I experienced
how engaged the media is

in group think around gender politics.

And I learned a difficult lesson.

When you start to humanize your enemy,

you, in turn, may be dehumanized
by your community.

And that's what happened to me.

Rather than debating the merit
of the issues addressed in the film,

I became the target of a smear campaign,

and people who had never seen the movie
protested outside the theater doors,

chanting that it was harmful to women.

It certainly is not.

But I understand their mindset.

If I never made this movie,

and I heard that there was
a documentary screening

about men's rights activists
that didn't show them as monsters,

I too would have protested the screenings

or at least sign the petitions
to ban the film

because I was told
that they were my enemy.

I was told that men's rights activists
were against women's equality.

But all the men's rights activists I met
support women's rights

and are simply asking the question:

"Why doesn't our society
care about men's rights?"

Well, the greatest challenge I faced
through this whole process,

it wasn't the protests against my film,

and it wasn't how I was treated
by the mainstream media -

even though it got
pretty disgusting at times.

The greatest challenge I faced

was peeling back the layers
of my own bias.

It turns out I did meet
my enemy while filming.

It was my ego saying that I was right,

and they were subhuman.

It's no secret now that I no longer
call myself a feminist,

but I must clarify I am not anti-feminist,

and I am not a men's rights activist.

I still support women's rights,

and I now care about men's rights as well.

However,

I believe if we want
to honestly discuss gender equality,

we need to invite all voices to the table.

Yet, this is not what is happening.

Men's groups are continually vilified,

falsely referred to as hate groups,

and their voices
are systematically silenced.

Do I think either movement
has all the answers?

No.

Men's rights activists
are not without flaws,

neither are feminists.

But if one group is being silenced,

that's a problem for all of us.

If I could give advice to anyone
in our society at large,

we have to stop expecting to be offended,

and we have to start truly,
openly, and sincerely listening.

That would lead
to a greater understanding

of ourselves and others,

having compassion for one another,

working together towards solutions

because we all are in this together.

And once we do that,
we can finally heal from the inside out.

But it has to start with listening.

Thank you for listening.

(Applause)

(Cheering)