Watch Aziz Ansari: Dangerously Delicious (Stand Up Comedy)

[cheers and applause] >> Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you so much.

Thank you very much.

All right.

Washington, d.c.

Thank you so much for coming out
to the taping for my second stand-up special.

[cheers and applause]
Very excited to be here.

Before we start the show,
I know there's probably

some signs up saying,
no photos and things of that nature,

and that's just because
obviously we're taping this.

And also, when I do these shows,
people can start taking photos,

and there'll be a lot of
flashing and orange lights,

and it can be a little distracting
when I'm trying to focus on the performance.

But what I've realized is that people don't give a shit,

and they take photos anyway,
because there are some shitty people

that come to these shows.

An, look how many e.

Some of you are shitty people.

There's no question.

If we met in any other context
besides you paying me money

to see me tell jokes, I'm sure there are some

of you I would hate with a passion.

No question about it.

I really hate some of you a lot.

So what I thought we could do as a compromise--

right now, before I start the show,

I understand people like photos and stuff,

so right now, before we start the show,

I'm gonna pretend like
I'm in the middle of a joke,

and you can take as many photos as you want,

er that, we'll have a great show, okay?

So here we go.

If you want to snap a photo, go for it.

Some fake joke where I need to go through a crawlspace.

Let's act like--let's act like an incident

happened with an audience member.

Like, sir, could you stand up and

act like you're yelling at me about something?

So you can show that photo
to people and tell 'em, eah,

at one point in the show,
this guy just stood up and was like,

'whites are ' and aziz was like,
'whoa, that's not cool, sir.

'" all right, cool.

Everybody good with photos and everything?

Thank you so much for coming out.

I really appreciate you coming out.

Thank you so much.

I live, uh--i live ..

[audience cheers] And--yes.

And I'm single right now, and--

[audience cheers] Oh, shut up.

You don't mean that shit.

And whenever I go out to bars there,

I have this one friend of mine.

He's he's like, "aw, man.

Any cute girl you see,
just go talk to her, man.

What's gonna happen?

What's gonna happen?

What's gonna happen?

Any cute girl you see,
just say something,

anything, it doesn't matter what.

What's gonna happen?

What's gonna happen?

" I'll tell you what's gonna happen.

That girl is gonna be mean as shit
to me for no reason at all.

Why do I want to deal with that?

" " "all right.

I'll see you later.

I'll go talk to my friend brian.

" and, sure, that's a little bit of an exaggeration,

but that is how it feels sometimes.

I once went up to this girl 'cause I thought

she had a cool purse on her shoulder.

I said, "hey, that's " and she said, "thank you,"

and we started talking, and she seemed nice.

Then at one point, her friend comes over,

and when the girl's friend comes over,

she goes, "oh, hey. this is aziz.

He came to talk to me 'cause " and rolled her eyes.

And I thought, "wow, that's really rude.

No reason to do that.

I was just being nice," right?

So I said to myself right there,

"whenever I leave this conversation,

I'm gonna make sure this girl knows
I don't give a shit about her,

" so, at one point, we're sitting there talking,

and I was like, .." [feigns laughter] "

and then I stole her purse.

Yeah.

That bag's mine now.

I never know what to say
to girls in situations like that.

It's always so awkward.