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[cheers and applause] >> Thank you.

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Thank you very much.

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Thank you so much.

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Thank you very much.

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All right.

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Washington, d.c.

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Thank you so much for coming out 
to the taping for my second stand-up special.

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[cheers and applause] 
Very excited to be here.

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Before we start the show, 
I know there's probably

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some signs up saying, 
no photos and things of that nature,

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and that's just because 
obviously we're taping this.

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And also, when I do these shows, 
people can start taking photos,

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and there'll be a lot of 
flashing and orange lights,

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and it can be a little distracting 
when I'm trying to focus on the performance.

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But what I've realized is that people don't give a shit,

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and they take photos anyway, 
because there are some shitty people

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that come to these shows.

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An, look how many e.

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Some of you are shitty people.

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There's no question.

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If we met in any other context 
besides you paying me money

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to see me tell jokes, I'm sure there are some

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of you I would hate with a passion.

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No question about it.

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I really hate some of you a lot.

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So what I thought we could do as a compromise--

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right now, before I start the show,

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I understand people like photos and stuff,

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so right now, before we start the show,

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I'm gonna pretend like 
I'm in the middle of a joke,

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and you can take as many photos as you want,

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er that, we'll have a great show, okay?

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So here we go.

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If you want to snap a photo, go for it.

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Some fake joke where I need to go through a crawlspace.

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Let's act like--let's act like an incident

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happened with an audience member.

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Like, sir, could you stand up and

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act like you're yelling at me about something?

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So you can show that photo 
to people and tell 'em, eah,

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at one point in the show, 
this guy just stood up and was like,

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'whites are ' and aziz was like, 
'whoa, that's not cool, sir.

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'" all right, cool.

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Everybody good with photos and everything?

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Thank you so much for coming out.

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I really appreciate you coming out.

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Thank you so much.

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I live, uh--i live ..

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[audience cheers] And--yes.

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And I'm single right now, and--

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[audience cheers] Oh, shut up.

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You don't mean that shit.

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And whenever I go out to bars there,

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I have this one friend of mine.

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He's he's like, "aw, man.

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Any cute girl you see, 
just go talk to her, man.

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What's gonna happen?

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What's gonna happen?

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What's gonna happen?

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Any cute girl you see, 
just say something,

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anything, it doesn't matter what.

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What's gonna happen?

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What's gonna happen?

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" I'll tell you what's gonna happen.

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That girl is gonna be mean as shit 
to me for no reason at all.

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Why do I want to deal with that?

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" " "all right.

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I'll see you later.

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I'll go talk to my friend brian.

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" and, sure, that's a little bit of an exaggeration,

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but that is how it feels sometimes.

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I once went up to this girl 'cause I thought

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she had a cool purse on her shoulder.

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I said, "hey, that's " and she said, "thank you,"

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and we started talking, and she seemed nice.

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Then at one point, her friend comes over,

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and when the girl's friend comes over,

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she goes, "oh, hey. this is aziz.

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He came to talk to me 'cause " and rolled her eyes.

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And I thought, "wow, that's really rude.

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No reason to do that.

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I was just being nice," right?

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So I said to myself right there,

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"whenever I leave this conversation,

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I'm gonna make sure this girl knows
I don't give a shit about her,

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" so, at one point, we're sitting there talking,

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and I was like, .." [feigns laughter] "

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and then I stole her purse.

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Yeah.

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That bag's mine now.

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I never know what to say 
to girls in situations like that.

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It's always so awkward.