Torn Between The Things | #withcaptions @paulidin

Isn’t it funny how my last video was about
Spoon Theory and then I went almost a month

without uploading a new video because I didn’t
have the spoons to do it?

And by funny, I mean: son of a --

[music]

Hi PaulTalkers and other viewers, I'm Paul,
I’m 41, I live in LA, and this is where

PaulTalks.

Now, I attended a YouTube event a month ago
where a bunch of us creators were advised

to give a call to action right at the beginning
of a video where the greatest audience retention

is.

Not to be too Perd Hapley about it, but now
is when I do that:

Please click on the subscribe link on your
screen so you don’t miss my videos and so

I can reach my goal of 10,000 subscribers.

It’s a long way off, but if I reach it, then
I can record at the YouTube Space!

Speaking of lots of people supporting something,
if you’re in the US, please vote for Hillary

Clinton for President of the United States!

And other representatives & ballot propositions!

As I’ve been away a long time, I thought
a lot about what I wanted to put in this video.

I want to tell you about why I haven’t uploaded
videos and what’s bringing me back to uploading

videos now.

Up until August, I had a full-time job with
a steady decent paycheck.

I could work my 6 to 10 hours each day, then
completely disconnect and focus on building

my youtube channel.

When I shifted in August to being an independent
contractor, suddenly part of my “job”

was to look for another job.

I haven’t looked for a job in over thirteen
years and though I wasn’t afraid to do it…

I didn’t want to do it.

But I’m supposed to have a job, aren’t
I?

I don’t know what I want to do.

My last job was perfect for me and I don’t
know how to find another job that’s perfect

for me.

So suddenly, I felt torn between what I want
to do (make stuff on youtube) and what I have

to do (make money to live).

Each day, I’d look at the things I could
do: make videos that I like to make, or hunt

for a job, that I didn’t want to do.

And with those choices, I… watched Netflix
and didn’t do much of anything.

Or explored LA.

Or went out to spend time with friends.

And that kept happening.

Finally, October came along and out of nowhere,
I felt like giving Inktober a try: that’s

where you draw something in ink each day.

Suddenly, I could do a creative thing each
day!

I’d spend anywhere from half an hour to
two hours being creative!

And I did it!

The whole month!

And I think I did a pretty good job of it!

That’s what I want to do.

Not drawing, specifically, but making stuff.

So, here we are and I’m making this video.

And it’s because I decided that it’s okay
for me to do this instead of hunting for a

job, which I’ve been crap at doing anyway.

Just writing the script for this, I felt better.

I’m going to give myself permission to focus
on creating videos first (at least once a

week) and then hunting for a job after that,
if I can.

It’s not the sensible thing to do, money-wise.

But it might keep me functional?

Which I want to be.

And what kind of videos do I want to make?

First of all: I want to help people.

Second thing: I want to enjoy myself.

Thirdly: I’d like to provide unique perspectives
on things in the world.

Finally: I want to provide transparency on
what it’s like for me as a youtuber.

That’s what this video is about.

The third thing used to be the first thing
and I think that stopped me, too.

I kept thinking my videos weren’t good enough
so I wouldn’t do them.

I think I have to give myself permission to
make crappy videos, too.

I don’t want to do that to you, my viewers.

But I’m afraid if I don’t give you crappy
videos sometimes, I’ll fall back into not

giving you any videos.

And I really want to make videos.

Almost as much as I want to pet dogs and visit
beaches.

It’s right up there.

BTW: if anyone’s hiring dog petting vloggers
on a beach somewhere, um.

Let me know?

We’re approaching the end of my video so
let me point out if you want to make a one-time

donation to support me, you can do that on
this Card here.

You can also support me by sharing this video
on Twitter, Tumblr, or Facebook.

And how about a question you can answer in
the comments?

Have you ever been torn between doing some
things so much that you ended up doing nothing?

Tell me about what you went through in the
comments.

Or tell me anything that matters to you, because
I want to know what matters to you!

And you’ve made it to the end of my video!

Thank you so much!

I’m going to try to use a new thing called
an End Card on this video, so…

In the lower left, you can click there to
subscribe if you haven’t yet.

In the lower right, you can click to go to
my patreon and support me.

In the upper left is my last video.

And in the upper right is a youtube-chosen
selection from my videos.

And I always finish my videos by saying,

“Tomorrow

will be even better!”