The Link Between Infertility and Self Sabotage

T: Hi

She: Thank you.

Um,

Hi everybody.

So I've been working
with fertility issues,

T: ah.

She: And...

I just wanna know,
what the resistance is.

That I'm holding on to,

because I'm ready to have a baby.

I think.

I've been through like,
five miscarriages.

And a bunch of IVF rounds.

And just a bunch,

and I think I'm to the
point where I'm like,

letting go enough that I can just
live in this life that I have now.

Cuz, I was just telling the
ladies down there,

I mean, I was on my
way to a fashion show,

crying, just like, Why?

Why can't I just be changing
a diaper right now?

Going to a fashion show, being
excited about my life...

and it's like..

So, I feel like, 90% of me says,

" Yeah I'm ready, life is awesome. "

and there's this 10%
that just, is stuck.

And I wanna let it go.

And here I am and yeah.

Is that a question?

T: oh well, it's a good enough
issue yes, that you've presented.

She: Hi.

I can't believe I'm
here with you.

T: Hi.

She: Haa.

I know you probably
get that every time.

T: your relationship with your
mother is the reason.

She: Yeah. hum.

T: That relationship has made it so
that a great many aspects of you

want nothing to do
with motherhood.

and unless those aspects
are directly delt with

nothing will occur.

Because they've got
the majority of it.

And not only that,

They've been fed with the resistance
that you have to not getting pregnant.

She: Yeah.

T: Does that make sense?

She: Totally.

T: So they're like, monsters
in the basement.

So dealing with those directly
is how to do this.

She: Ok.

T: But I don't think it's a
good idea to give up on it.

Personally.

Because I don't think you
could even if you tried.

She: That's good news.

Yeah, I don't think, I'm
not to the giving up point,

I'm actually trying to be
in the, like, moving on.

Where it's like, I can focus on
the other things in my life.

That I...

T: Yeah, no.

She: That's just distraction.
I got it.

You're looking at
me like I'm crazy,

you've got that like: "uhum"

T: Yeah.

She: OK, I'm ready,
lay it on me.

T: Well, even as you're
saying, you're like,

" I think I'm in that place
where I'm ready to just..."

Like, I understand that you want to
do that for your own best interest.

But those parts of
you that want a kid...

if they could voice themselves
when you say those statements

they might as
well kill you.

Like that's the degree of
intensity there is there.

So would you like me to assist you

by taking on the primary
aspect that's preventing this?

She: Yes please.

T: OK.

Ok are you ready? Because
in talking to me,

Teal Swan is about
to go bye bye.

Ok?

In talking to me you'll be talking to
the part of you that is resisting this.

She: OK.

I'm scared.

and I'm angry, I don't
wanna do it again

and I'm just like, really hopeless.

T: About what?

She: About failing again. I don't...

T: I have no idea why
you'd ever want a kid.

She: Say it again?

T: I have no idea why you
would ever want a child.

She: Because they're
amazing and fun,

and having the ability
to carry on my legacy

would be amazing.

And I wanna be a Mom.

Sorry you guys,
I'll keep it up here.

Um...

Yeah.

T: See that's the problem,
I have a completely view...

of what parenting and childhood
looks like than you do.

When you say: " Oh it's
gonna be so amazing."

I'm like: "No it's not."

It's gonna be hours and hours of hell.

She: Yeah.

T: Yeah.

And I know that, And I know that's
the part that I'm excited about.

Like, the hell.

Seriously.

I know, you guys,

all the parents in the room
look at me like I'm nuts.

But, the people that don't have
kids that want them, want that.

That's what I'm
talking about.

Like I'm sitting there
in the car,

driving and going:

"God, I wish I was somewhere
else right now but I'm not."

And I just wanna be
OK with where I'm at.

T: I don't want that, I feel like this is
just a strings attached relationship.

I actually can't conceptualize of
parenthood without strings attached.

And the second that something
starts feeding on me,

I feel the same feeling
I felt when I was little.

That's what makes me get rid of it.

She: like, I always have to be perfect.

when I was a kid. I don't think...

yeah.

T: I don't wanna feel used.

She: I don't wanna feel used.

I was the big sister so I always was
doing things for everyone else.

T: That's what I feel like, so
I don't wanna do it anymore.

But that's what you're not getting.
I don't wanna do it anymore.

So you keep telling me,

"Let's do this, let's
take care of a baby,

Let's make our life
about the baby."

I don't want that, that
was my whole life.

She: Yeah.

T: I want freedom.

She: So How do I get both?

How do I create this life of like...

fullness and family and you know?

T: It's not gonna happen
because I already know you,

because you're not
gonna let it happen.

You're gonna make it so
that you have to be perfect.

So let's say that, I...

it's too much for me.

I don't want to have my entire life be
dedicated to someone else anymore.

You're gonna say:
" Well you have to be."

Because if we're not then
we're not a good mother.

So, like I'm not gonna let it happen.

She: So how can I make you feel
comfortable with it happening?

Or...?

T: OK, like, from this part
I feel like it's impossible.

there is no earthly way that
you're gonna convince me

that one day you're going to be
OK with me doing a mediocre job

which is what you would
judge me as if I did anything

less than dedicate every
minute of my life to someone.

She: I feel stuck.

T: um hum.

She: Like this immense amount
of sadness and fear and...

T: Why do you want
a kid so bad?

I can't even relate to this.

Why is this so important?

She: Why can't I answer that?

I want to.

T: That's not a good enough reason.

She: I don't wanna be alone.

T: So you don't really want a kid,
you just don't want to be alone?

She: Yeah.

I mean I think I um...

T: This is what I'm
saying, like, you're...

She: No.

T: grrr... You're basically saying you
have to bite off all this crap

in order to get
what you want.

I won't do it anymore.

Like, and it's not just
relative to babies,

It's like a whole
thing with you.

I won't do it anymore.

She: Because I have
to be perfect at it?

T: Yeah you have to be
perfect at everything,

but it's not just
that, it's like,

well, in order to have belonging
or in order to have closeness,

or not be alone, I have to,

dedicate my life to someone else,

change diapers at two
o'clock in the morning,

make sure that I am doing that
and my job at the same time,

No.

She: We're not gonna do it?

T: No because I promised myself
years ago I would never do it again.

Like taking care of other people

I promised myself never again.

She: That's the other thing
too, I think is like...

I feel super selfish right now.

Like I've gone the other
direction, where I just...

I just barely am like...
wanting to...

T: Don't feel like that's true.

She: You don't?

T: A person who's super selfish doesn't
continue to remind themselves

what a bad they are
because they're selfish.

Audience: ~ Chuckles ~

She: ~ Laughs ~

Audience: ~ Laughs ~

She: You're right Teal.

You're right and I
have immense guilt

I just have this like,

"My family needs me, I've gotta
take care of my family"

So I guess that's just a continuation,

I know you're... I got nothing.

I got nothing.

I feel like everything I'm gonna
say to myself is bullshit.

And that's why I'm here honestly.

It's fucking bullshit.

T: Well then accept what I'm
saying to you as your truth.

Because this is why
you don't have kids.

And unless this changes,
I'm not changing.

She: because the expectation
of it to be perfect and not...?

~ Deep Sigh ~

Yeah.

I feel like I don't know
what else to say.

T: OK, that was pretty interesting.

What did you notice?

On a conscious level, about that?

She: That I'm not...

What I noticed I guess is that I'm...

I can't even feel that, I can't...

I see it... I hear it...

But it's so hard for me to feel it.

And it's so hard for me
be in that moment. Like...

I don't even know
how to explain it.

T: Can I tell you why?

She: Please.

T: Because You're terrified,
this goes for everyone,

you're terrified that if you
give that part of you air time,

you will never get
what you want.

She: Yeah.

T: This is the single
biggest reason

that people don't do work
with their resistant aspects

For example: In my position...
it would be the terrible...

I can't even admit to the aspect
of me that doesn't want

anything to do with
being on stage today.

Because if I do that
I won't be on stage.

T: That's not how it works.

She: I think that's really hard
for me to see my... shadows.

because I've been trained not to
feel my feelings for a long time.

T: Because you've been trained
that they're wrong.

She: Yeah.

T: Yes.

This is why we are unconscious of them.

Because the human ego is more
attached to the way that we look

to ourselves and other people,
than anything on earth.

She: Yeah.

T: so we are shooting
ourselves in the foot.

Is what we're doing.

She: How do I begin
to erase that?

T: what if I told you that you will not
ever conceive a child unless you do that?

She: I hear you.

T: Cuz that's literally
what I'm saying.

100%

Are you willing to
do that work?

She: Yes.

T: OK then here is my suggestion.

You know that I have trained people
in completion process right?

I would like it if you did
completion process

on this element of being
sucked on and used.

Especially, because when
I was in that aspect of you,

My God it was like...
the rebellion...

first I felt, ten thousand
pounds of pressure,

then it was like,
" Fuck that pressure".

Like, angry, like, violet anger.

She: I heard it described as
hot lava beds of anger once.

T: Yeah

She: When I did a reading.

T: Yes.

She: And I, it's like I'm so
not wanting to be angry,

that I don't even see them.

T: I know.

She: My husband tells me,
"You're so angry."

I'm like: "I'm fucking not angry.

Are you kidding me?
Like, I'm happy."

And it's like: "No Babe,
you're being angry."

I'm like: "No, I'm fine."

And so I'm slowly starting
to feel those feelings

and get OK with them.

T: And that's what I want
you to be doing more of.

So I would love it if you
did the completion process

But I want you to pick a facilitator
who's capable of doing parts work.

Parts work.

She: Parts work. Ok.

T: Because I want you to be face to
face with the aspect I was just in.

Over and over and over.

Until there starts to
be some harmony.

Because the relationship,
did you guys notice?

The relationship between
you and this aspect

is like a really ~ Negative Gesture ~
tipe of relationship.

She: Yeah.

T: And you're like: " Why are
you doing this to me?"

And that part is like, " What the
fuck are you even saying?"

She: Because
You hate me.

Of course, that's what
I was with my partner

All I could just
view was hate.

T: Yeah I actually
did hate you.

I did hate you
as that part.

And so when you've got that going
on in your own consciousness

that is a huge issue.

That doesn't just manifest
as infertility issues as well.

That affects everything.

She: um hum.

T: I want you to be doing that.

And that's like, my
basic request.

She: OK.

T: But here's the thing.

Before you go to the work of doing
that which extends beond this stage.

You have got to accept that this
is a very real and valid part of you.

The part that literally
wants nothing to do

with taking care of
anyone ever again.

That that's a very valid feeling

and doesn't make you a self
centered person or a bitch.

but here's the thing, when
you grew up in families

like you grew up in, that's
what you would be told.

If you don't take care
of other people,

that's what they'd tell you.

She: I have a hard time picking
out what I want to eat sometimes.

Because literally it's like:
"Oh no, that? You want that?"

"No. That's not cheap,
you've gotta get this."

So like, my husband will ask me:

"Where do you wanna
go out for dinner?"

I'm like: " Whatever,
I don't care."

But I do care, but
I don't care.

So I have a hard time figuring
out what I actually believe.

T: You do care but you're
not allowed to care.

T: You see what I mean?

You want the things
that you say you want.

But you don't want the venue
through which you get them.

You're living your life
through transaction

and it's not gonna
work for that part.

Because you can convince yourself:

"No I want to be changing diapers
at two o'clock in the morning."

You're never gonna convince
this part of that.

And by raise of hands, how
many of you as mothers

found this part of yourself when
you were changing diapers

at two o'clock in the morning?

Trust me it's going to happen.

Like, that part, If it's not
delt with before hand.

And if you don't create
strategies around it,

will rear it's head
in parenthood.

And then you will literally
live out your mother.

She: I don't wanna be her.

T: Yeah, I know.

But like here's the thing,

if you don't resolve the aspects within
you that are the result of her,

and that are the
representations of her,

you are destined to be.

You will have that moment,

where with your child
you are your mother.

And I want to protect you from,

I mean your body is
protecting you from that.

It's not even letting you
get into it in the first place.

But I want those resolved.

They have to be
directly addressed.

She: OK.

T: So what I want
from you today

before really committing to
doing that tipe of work is,

The acknowledgement...

Part of you has no interest whatsoever
in taking care of other people

or being used again.

And that's exactly what a
relationship with a child is like

for the first many years.

It's not like they
nurse and say:

" Oh my God, thank you."

She: Right.

I don't think they thank
you until they're like fifty.

Sometimes.

T: Depends on how good
the relationship was.

~ Chuckles ~

She: Thank you.

T: No more hiding behind
I have to be a good person,

and so I can't have
this be part of me.

Does that make sense?

She: OK.

T: It's that, it's the mentality:
"I can't have this be part of me."

That makes it so that you can't move
forward with these resistant aspects.

I can't have the terrorit be part of me.

And so, I'm now acting subconsciously

and everyone else sees
that you're a terrorist

but you don't see it in yourself.

But for you it's not the terrorist.

It's the part of you that was an
intensely enmeshed parentified child,

who wants nothing to
do with that anymore.

So here's how you're...
and I need this resolve now;

Because here's the thing;

Your parenting, and the situation
you set up for your parenting,

has got to include those parts.

Does that make sense?

She: Yeah.

T: Most of us in this generation

were raised by mothers who
took the opposite approach.

Mothers who said, I have to
be a certain kind of mother.

And so they did it with resentment.

And most of us grow
up looking back, going:

"I wish you wouldn't
have even done it."

She: I don't wanna be that mom.

T: But that's the track
you're headed on

when as this part you're unwilling
to acknowledge the other part.

Does that make sense?

She: Yeah.

T: because, for that part,

for a part that's intensely enmeshed,

this may be interesting for
some of you fathers or mothers,

if you're intensely enmeshed
in your childhood,

and your whole life was about
taking care of something else,

You've gotta set up
a parenting scenario,

That doesn't make you
feel like that again,

otherwise, it's just re-traumatization.

She: OK.

T: But does that make sense to
you in terms of practicality or not?

She: No, yes, totally.

T: How then? I wanna know.

She: Um, I am going to start being more
proactive on the thing that I wanna do

and just making decisions
based on how I feel

instead of how everyone else feels.

Is what I'm hearing.
One thing I can do.

T: Yes but don't get to bulldoze.

She: OK.

T: Because this is what...
did you guys hear that?

because you're either,
from that set point,

all you're doing either
bulldozing the part of you

that wants to be a perfect mother,

or you're bulldozing the part of you
that doesn't even want to be a mother.

That's not how this goes.

This is about finding a fusion between
them and working through the resistance.

So, for example,

You're gonna be the tipe
of mother who says:

"If I don't make my child,

like every aspect of my
child's food from scratch,

then I'm a terrible mother.

And if I'm not at every PTA conference,

I'm a terrible mother."

"And if I'm not..."

You see what I mean?

And then that other
part is gonna say:

" I didn't want this."

She: " I didn't even wanna
go there anyway."

T: Yeah.

So you can't live your life
bulldozing one or the other.

It's about, "OK, so how do
we work with the mentality

around having to do
this, so it's not so rigid?"

She: Yeah.

T: So that maybe you can be OK not
showing up to every PTA conference.

Or just going to two of
them instead of five of them.

She: Right.

T: Makes sense?

She: Yeah.

T: OK, I really want you
to do this work.

She: Oh, I'm... it's an emergency.

T: Yeah it is actually.

She: Yeah.

So, I'm listening. I'm here.
I'm coach-able.

T: I believe you.

She: Yeah.

T: And for what it's worth,
from one to another,

Infertility is one of the worst
things a person can go through.

So I get it.

She: It makes you feel like
your body is against you.

T: yeah well,

She: It is, well not actually,
it's with you...

T: Exactly.

She: Because the other
part of you is like,

No we're actually not
gonna do this now.

T: Exactly.

She: Yeah.

It's like crazy.

T: Before you get off stage, there
is no such thing as self sabotage.

There is no such thing.

And like, if you guys are here,
and this is your first time here,

and listening to this
type of material,

I want you to write that down on
a big piece of paper and circle it.

There is no such thing in this
universe as self sabotage.

It is an impossibility.

The things that you think
are self sabotaging

are actually trying to save your
life in the way that they know how.

Are they mistaken about it?

Usually.

But I mean, can we say, given
that you just saw that part of her,

can we say that it's doing
something wrong right now?

No.

She: It's protecting me
from diapers at two A.M.

because I don't wanna do it.

T: Exactly so two parts of you disagree
about what's gonna keep you alive.

She: This relationship
is in conflict.

T: Yes.

You get it.

She: I get it.

T: OK.

She: Thank you.

Transcribed by: Tanya Duarte