T: Hi
She: Thank you.
Um,
Hi everybody.
So I've been working with fertility issues,
T: ah.
She: And...
I just wanna know, what the resistance is.
That I'm holding on to,
because I'm ready to have a baby.
I think.
I've been through like, five miscarriages.
And a bunch of IVF rounds.
And just a bunch,
and I think I'm to the point where I'm like,
letting go enough that I can just live in this life that I have now.
Cuz, I was just telling the ladies down there,
I mean, I was on my way to a fashion show,
crying, just like, Why?
Why can't I just be changing a diaper right now?
Going to a fashion show, being excited about my life...
and it's like..
So, I feel like, 90% of me says,
" Yeah I'm ready, life is awesome. "
and there's this 10% that just, is stuck.
And I wanna let it go.
And here I am and yeah.
Is that a question?
T: oh well, it's a good enough issue yes, that you've presented.
She: Hi.
I can't believe I'm here with you.
T: Hi.
She: Haa.
I know you probably get that every time.
T: your relationship with your mother is the reason.
She: Yeah. hum.
T: That relationship has made it so that a great many aspects of you
want nothing to do with motherhood.
and unless those aspects are directly delt with
nothing will occur.
Because they've got the majority of it.
And not only that,
They've been fed with the resistance that you have to not getting pregnant.
She: Yeah.
T: Does that make sense?
She: Totally.
T: So they're like, monsters in the basement.
So dealing with those directly is how to do this.
She: Ok.
T: But I don't think it's a good idea to give up on it.
Personally.
Because I don't think you could even if you tried.
She: That's good news.
Yeah, I don't think, I'm not to the giving up point,
I'm actually trying to be in the, like, moving on.
Where it's like, I can focus on the other things in my life.
That I...
T: Yeah, no.
She: That's just distraction. I got it.
You're looking at me like I'm crazy,
you've got that like: "uhum"
T: Yeah.
She: OK, I'm ready, lay it on me.
T: Well, even as you're saying, you're like,
" I think I'm in that place where I'm ready to just..."
Like, I understand that you want to do that for your own best interest.
But those parts of you that want a kid...
if they could voice themselves when you say those statements
they might as well kill you.
Like that's the degree of intensity there is there.
So would you like me to assist you
by taking on the primary aspect that's preventing this?
She: Yes please.
T: OK.
Ok are you ready? Because in talking to me,
Teal Swan is about to go bye bye.
Ok?
In talking to me you'll be talking to the part of you that is resisting this.
She: OK.
I'm scared.
and I'm angry, I don't wanna do it again
and I'm just like, really hopeless.
T: About what?
She: About failing again. I don't...
T: I have no idea why you'd ever want a kid.
She: Say it again?
T: I have no idea why you would ever want a child.
She: Because they're amazing and fun,
and having the ability to carry on my legacy
would be amazing.
And I wanna be a Mom.
Sorry you guys, I'll keep it up here.
Um...
Yeah.
T: See that's the problem, I have a completely view...
of what parenting and childhood looks like than you do.
When you say: " Oh it's gonna be so amazing."
I'm like: "No it's not."
It's gonna be hours and hours of hell.
She: Yeah.
T: Yeah.
And I know that, And I know that's the part that I'm excited about.
Like, the hell.
Seriously.
I know, you guys,
all the parents in the room look at me like I'm nuts.
But, the people that don't have kids that want them, want that.
That's what I'm talking about.
Like I'm sitting there in the car,
driving and going:
"God, I wish I was somewhere else right now but I'm not."
And I just wanna be OK with where I'm at.
T: I don't want that, I feel like this is just a strings attached relationship.
I actually can't conceptualize of parenthood without strings attached.
And the second that something starts feeding on me,
I feel the same feeling I felt when I was little.
That's what makes me get rid of it.
She: like, I always have to be perfect.
when I was a kid. I don't think...
yeah.
T: I don't wanna feel used.
She: I don't wanna feel used.
I was the big sister so I always was doing things for everyone else.
T: That's what I feel like, so I don't wanna do it anymore.
But that's what you're not getting. I don't wanna do it anymore.
So you keep telling me,
"Let's do this, let's take care of a baby,
Let's make our life about the baby."
I don't want that, that was my whole life.
She: Yeah.
T: I want freedom.
She: So How do I get both?
How do I create this life of like...
fullness and family and you know?
T: It's not gonna happen because I already know you,
because you're not gonna let it happen.
You're gonna make it so that you have to be perfect.
So let's say that, I...
it's too much for me.
I don't want to have my entire life be dedicated to someone else anymore.
You're gonna say: " Well you have to be."
Because if we're not then we're not a good mother.
So, like I'm not gonna let it happen.
She: So how can I make you feel comfortable with it happening?
Or...?
T: OK, like, from this part I feel like it's impossible.
there is no earthly way that you're gonna convince me
that one day you're going to be OK with me doing a mediocre job
which is what you would judge me as if I did anything
less than dedicate every minute of my life to someone.
She: I feel stuck.
T: um hum.
She: Like this immense amount of sadness and fear and...
T: Why do you want a kid so bad?
I can't even relate to this.
Why is this so important?
She: Why can't I answer that?
I want to.
T: That's not a good enough reason.
She: I don't wanna be alone.
T: So you don't really want a kid, you just don't want to be alone?
She: Yeah.
I mean I think I um...
T: This is what I'm saying, like, you're...
She: No.
T: grrr... You're basically saying you have to bite off all this crap
in order to get what you want.
I won't do it anymore.
Like, and it's not just relative to babies,
It's like a whole thing with you.
I won't do it anymore.
She: Because I have to be perfect at it?
T: Yeah you have to be perfect at everything,
but it's not just that, it's like,
well, in order to have belonging or in order to have closeness,
or not be alone, I have to,
dedicate my life to someone else,
change diapers at two o'clock in the morning,
make sure that I am doing that and my job at the same time,
No.
She: We're not gonna do it?
T: No because I promised myself years ago I would never do it again.
Like taking care of other people
I promised myself never again.
She: That's the other thing too, I think is like...
I feel super selfish right now.
Like I've gone the other direction, where I just...
I just barely am like... wanting to...
T: Don't feel like that's true.
She: You don't?
T: A person who's super selfish doesn't continue to remind themselves
what a bad they are because they're selfish.
Audience: ~ Chuckles ~
She: ~ Laughs ~
Audience: ~ Laughs ~
She: You're right Teal.
You're right and I have immense guilt
I just have this like,
"My family needs me, I've gotta take care of my family"
So I guess that's just a continuation,
I know you're... I got nothing.
I got nothing.
I feel like everything I'm gonna say to myself is bullshit.
And that's why I'm here honestly.
It's fucking bullshit.
T: Well then accept what I'm saying to you as your truth.
Because this is why you don't have kids.
And unless this changes, I'm not changing.
She: because the expectation of it to be perfect and not...?
~ Deep Sigh ~
Yeah.
I feel like I don't know what else to say.
T: OK, that was pretty interesting.
What did you notice?
On a conscious level, about that?
She: That I'm not...
What I noticed I guess is that I'm...
I can't even feel that, I can't...
I see it... I hear it...
But it's so hard for me to feel it.
And it's so hard for me be in that moment. Like...
I don't even know how to explain it.
T: Can I tell you why?
She: Please.
T: Because You're terrified, this goes for everyone,
you're terrified that if you give that part of you air time,
you will never get what you want.
She: Yeah.
T: This is the single biggest reason
that people don't do work with their resistant aspects
For example: In my position... it would be the terrible...
I can't even admit to the aspect of me that doesn't want
anything to do with being on stage today.
Because if I do that I won't be on stage.
T: That's not how it works.
She: I think that's really hard for me to see my... shadows.
because I've been trained not to feel my feelings for a long time.
T: Because you've been trained that they're wrong.
She: Yeah.
T: Yes.
This is why we are unconscious of them.
Because the human ego is more attached to the way that we look
to ourselves and other people, than anything on earth.
She: Yeah.
T: so we are shooting ourselves in the foot.
Is what we're doing.
She: How do I begin to erase that?
T: what if I told you that you will not ever conceive a child unless you do that?
She: I hear you.
T: Cuz that's literally what I'm saying.
100%
Are you willing to do that work?
She: Yes.
T: OK then here is my suggestion.
You know that I have trained people in completion process right?
I would like it if you did completion process
on this element of being sucked on and used.
Especially, because when I was in that aspect of you,
My God it was like... the rebellion...
first I felt, ten thousand pounds of pressure,
then it was like, " Fuck that pressure".
Like, angry, like, violet anger.
She: I heard it described as hot lava beds of anger once.
T: Yeah
She: When I did a reading.
T: Yes.
She: And I, it's like I'm so not wanting to be angry,
that I don't even see them.
T: I know.
She: My husband tells me, "You're so angry."
I'm like: "I'm fucking not angry.
Are you kidding me? Like, I'm happy."
And it's like: "No Babe, you're being angry."
I'm like: "No, I'm fine."
And so I'm slowly starting to feel those feelings
and get OK with them.
T: And that's what I want you to be doing more of.
So I would love it if you did the completion process
But I want you to pick a facilitator who's capable of doing parts work.
Parts work.
She: Parts work. Ok.
T: Because I want you to be face to face with the aspect I was just in.
Over and over and over.
Until there starts to be some harmony.
Because the relationship, did you guys notice?
The relationship between you and this aspect
is like a really ~ Negative Gesture ~ tipe of relationship.
She: Yeah.
T: And you're like: " Why are you doing this to me?"
And that part is like, " What the fuck are you even saying?"
She: Because You hate me.
Of course, that's what I was with my partner
All I could just view was hate.
T: Yeah I actually did hate you.
I did hate you as that part.
And so when you've got that going on in your own consciousness
that is a huge issue.
That doesn't just manifest as infertility issues as well.
That affects everything.
She: um hum.
T: I want you to be doing that.
And that's like, my basic request.
She: OK.
T: But here's the thing.
Before you go to the work of doing that which extends beond this stage.
You have got to accept that this is a very real and valid part of you.
The part that literally wants nothing to do
with taking care of anyone ever again.
That that's a very valid feeling
and doesn't make you a self centered person or a bitch.
but here's the thing, when you grew up in families
like you grew up in, that's what you would be told.
If you don't take care of other people,
that's what they'd tell you.
She: I have a hard time picking out what I want to eat sometimes.
Because literally it's like: "Oh no, that? You want that?"
"No. That's not cheap, you've gotta get this."
So like, my husband will ask me:
"Where do you wanna go out for dinner?"
I'm like: " Whatever, I don't care."
But I do care, but I don't care.
So I have a hard time figuring out what I actually believe.
T: You do care but you're not allowed to care.
T: You see what I mean?
You want the things that you say you want.
But you don't want the venue through which you get them.
You're living your life through transaction
and it's not gonna work for that part.
Because you can convince yourself:
"No I want to be changing diapers at two o'clock in the morning."
You're never gonna convince this part of that.
And by raise of hands, how many of you as mothers
found this part of yourself when you were changing diapers
at two o'clock in the morning?
Trust me it's going to happen.
Like, that part, If it's not delt with before hand.
And if you don't create strategies around it,
will rear it's head in parenthood.
And then you will literally live out your mother.
She: I don't wanna be her.
T: Yeah, I know.
But like here's the thing,
if you don't resolve the aspects within you that are the result of her,
and that are the representations of her,
you are destined to be.
You will have that moment,
where with your child you are your mother.
And I want to protect you from,
I mean your body is protecting you from that.
It's not even letting you get into it in the first place.
But I want those resolved.
They have to be directly addressed.
She: OK.
T: So what I want from you today
before really committing to doing that tipe of work is,
The acknowledgement...
Part of you has no interest whatsoever in taking care of other people
or being used again.
And that's exactly what a relationship with a child is like
for the first many years.
It's not like they nurse and say:
" Oh my God, thank you."
She: Right.
I don't think they thank you until they're like fifty.
Sometimes.
T: Depends on how good the relationship was.
~ Chuckles ~
She: Thank you.
T: No more hiding behind I have to be a good person,
and so I can't have this be part of me.
Does that make sense?
She: OK.
T: It's that, it's the mentality: "I can't have this be part of me."
That makes it so that you can't move forward with these resistant aspects.
I can't have the terrorit be part of me.
And so, I'm now acting subconsciously
and everyone else sees that you're a terrorist
but you don't see it in yourself.
But for you it's not the terrorist.
It's the part of you that was an intensely enmeshed parentified child,
who wants nothing to do with that anymore.
So here's how you're... and I need this resolve now;
Because here's the thing;
Your parenting, and the situation you set up for your parenting,
has got to include those parts.
Does that make sense?
She: Yeah.
T: Most of us in this generation
were raised by mothers who took the opposite approach.
Mothers who said, I have to be a certain kind of mother.
And so they did it with resentment.
And most of us grow up looking back, going:
"I wish you wouldn't have even done it."
She: I don't wanna be that mom.
T: But that's the track you're headed on
when as this part you're unwilling to acknowledge the other part.
Does that make sense?
She: Yeah.
T: because, for that part,
for a part that's intensely enmeshed,
this may be interesting for some of you fathers or mothers,
if you're intensely enmeshed in your childhood,
and your whole life was about taking care of something else,
You've gotta set up a parenting scenario,
That doesn't make you feel like that again,
otherwise, it's just re-traumatization.
She: OK.
T: But does that make sense to you in terms of practicality or not?
She: No, yes, totally.
T: How then? I wanna know.
She: Um, I am going to start being more proactive on the thing that I wanna do
and just making decisions based on how I feel
instead of how everyone else feels.
Is what I'm hearing. One thing I can do.
T: Yes but don't get to bulldoze.
She: OK.
T: Because this is what... did you guys hear that?
because you're either, from that set point,
all you're doing either bulldozing the part of you
that wants to be a perfect mother,
or you're bulldozing the part of you that doesn't even want to be a mother.
That's not how this goes.
This is about finding a fusion between them and working through the resistance.
So, for example,
You're gonna be the tipe of mother who says:
"If I don't make my child,
like every aspect of my child's food from scratch,
then I'm a terrible mother.
And if I'm not at every PTA conference,
I'm a terrible mother."
"And if I'm not..."
You see what I mean?
And then that other part is gonna say:
" I didn't want this."
She: " I didn't even wanna go there anyway."
T: Yeah.
So you can't live your life bulldozing one or the other.
It's about, "OK, so how do we work with the mentality
around having to do this, so it's not so rigid?"
She: Yeah.
T: So that maybe you can be OK not showing up to every PTA conference.
Or just going to two of them instead of five of them.
She: Right.
T: Makes sense?
She: Yeah.
T: OK, I really want you to do this work.
She: Oh, I'm... it's an emergency.
T: Yeah it is actually.
She: Yeah.
So, I'm listening. I'm here. I'm coach-able.
T: I believe you.
She: Yeah.
T: And for what it's worth, from one to another,
Infertility is one of the worst things a person can go through.
So I get it.
She: It makes you feel like your body is against you.
T: yeah well,
She: It is, well not actually, it's with you...
T: Exactly.
She: Because the other part of you is like,
No we're actually not gonna do this now.
T: Exactly.
She: Yeah.
It's like crazy.
T: Before you get off stage, there is no such thing as self sabotage.
There is no such thing.
And like, if you guys are here, and this is your first time here,
and listening to this type of material,
I want you to write that down on a big piece of paper and circle it.
There is no such thing in this universe as self sabotage.
It is an impossibility.
The things that you think are self sabotaging
are actually trying to save your life in the way that they know how.
Are they mistaken about it?
Usually.
But I mean, can we say, given that you just saw that part of her,
can we say that it's doing something wrong right now?
No.
She: It's protecting me from diapers at two A.M.
because I don't wanna do it.
T: Exactly so two parts of you disagree about what's gonna keep you alive.
She: This relationship is in conflict.
T: Yes.
You get it.
She: I get it.
T: OK.
She: Thank you.
Transcribed by: Tanya Duarte