0:00:11.381,0:00:12.071
T: Hi

0:00:12.071,0:00:13.353
She: Thank you.

0:00:13.653,0:00:14.693
Um,

0:00:16.032,0:00:17.512
Hi everybody.

0:00:20.496,0:00:22.836
So I've been working [br]with fertility issues,

0:00:22.836,0:00:23.606
T: ah.

0:00:24.110,0:00:25.620
She: And...

0:00:25.620,0:00:28.970
I just wanna know, [br]what the resistance is.

0:00:28.970,0:00:30.730
That I'm holding on to,

0:00:30.730,0:00:33.250
because I'm ready to have a baby.

0:00:33.250,0:00:34.400
I think.

0:00:35.802,0:00:38.852
I've been through like, [br]five miscarriages.

0:00:39.442,0:00:42.562
And a bunch of IVF rounds.

0:00:42.562,0:00:43.712
And just a bunch,

0:00:43.712,0:00:45.922
and I think I'm to the [br]point where I'm like,

0:00:46.192,0:00:50.312
letting go enough that I can just [br]live in this life that I have now.

0:00:50.312,0:00:52.532
Cuz, I was just telling the [br]ladies down there,

0:00:52.532,0:00:54.552
I mean, I was on my [br]way to a fashion show,

0:00:54.552,0:00:57.052
crying, just like, Why?

0:00:57.052,0:00:59.592
Why can't I just be changing [br]a diaper right now?

0:00:59.992,0:01:03.082
Going to a fashion show, being [br]excited about my life...

0:01:03.082,0:01:04.102
and it's like..

0:01:04.102,0:01:07.182
So, I feel like, 90% of me says,

0:01:07.182,0:01:09.312
" Yeah I'm ready, life is awesome. "

0:01:09.312,0:01:12.412
and there's this 10% [br]that just, is stuck.

0:01:13.257,0:01:14.997
And I wanna let it go.

0:01:16.167,0:01:18.347
And here I am and yeah.

0:01:18.347,0:01:19.637
Is that a question?

0:01:19.637,0:01:22.727
T: oh well, it's a good enough [br]issue yes, that you've presented.

0:01:22.727,0:01:23.437
She: Hi.

0:01:23.437,0:01:25.277
I can't believe I'm [br]here with you.

0:01:25.277,0:01:25.977
T: Hi.

0:01:25.977,0:01:26.887
She: Haa.

0:01:27.329,0:01:29.979
I know you probably [br]get that every time.

0:01:32.844,0:01:35.484
T: your relationship with your [br]mother is the reason.

0:01:35.810,0:01:37.450
She: Yeah. hum.

0:01:40.231,0:01:43.711
T: That relationship has made it so [br]that a great many aspects of you

0:01:43.711,0:01:46.051
want nothing to do [br]with motherhood.

0:01:46.279,0:01:49.769
and unless those aspects [br]are directly delt with

0:01:50.009,0:01:51.629
nothing will occur.

0:01:51.629,0:01:54.669
Because they've got [br]the majority of it.

0:01:54.669,0:01:55.959
And not only that,

0:01:55.959,0:02:00.819
They've been fed with the resistance [br]that you have to not getting pregnant.

0:02:00.819,0:02:01.809
She: Yeah.

0:02:02.077,0:02:03.567
T: Does that make sense?

0:02:03.567,0:02:04.437
She: Totally.

0:02:04.437,0:02:07.307
T: So they're like, monsters [br]in the basement.

0:02:07.307,0:02:09.867
So dealing with those directly [br]is how to do this.

0:02:09.867,0:02:10.727
She: Ok.

0:02:10.727,0:02:13.657
T: But I don't think it's a [br]good idea to give up on it.

0:02:14.297,0:02:15.607
Personally.

0:02:15.934,0:02:18.734
Because I don't think you [br]could even if you tried.

0:02:19.141,0:02:20.930
She: That's good news.

0:02:20.930,0:02:23.440
Yeah, I don't think, I'm [br]not to the giving up point,

0:02:23.440,0:02:26.750
I'm actually trying to be [br]in the, like, moving on.

0:02:26.750,0:02:30.620
Where it's like, I can focus on [br]the other things in my life.

0:02:30.620,0:02:31.800
That I...

0:02:31.800,0:02:32.760
T: Yeah, no.

0:02:32.760,0:02:34.740
She: That's just distraction. [br]I got it.

0:02:34.740,0:02:36.510
You're looking at [br]me like I'm crazy,

0:02:36.510,0:02:38.150
you've got that like: "uhum"

0:02:38.150,0:02:39.120
T: Yeah.

0:02:39.120,0:02:40.710
She: OK, I'm ready, [br]lay it on me.

0:02:40.710,0:02:42.820
T: Well, even as you're [br]saying, you're like,

0:02:42.820,0:02:44.780
" I think I'm in that place [br]where I'm ready to just..."

0:02:44.780,0:02:48.170
Like, I understand that you want to [br]do that for your own best interest.

0:02:48.170,0:02:50.170
But those parts of [br]you that want a kid...

0:02:50.170,0:02:53.110
if they could voice themselves [br]when you say those statements

0:02:53.110,0:02:54.510
they might as [br]well kill you.

0:02:54.510,0:02:58.010
Like that's the degree of [br]intensity there is there.

0:03:00.308,0:03:02.478
So would you like me to assist you

0:03:02.478,0:03:05.398
by taking on the primary [br]aspect that's preventing this?

0:03:05.398,0:03:06.798
She: Yes please.

0:03:06.798,0:03:07.638
T: OK.

0:03:16.682,0:03:19.472
Ok are you ready? Because [br]in talking to me,

0:03:19.472,0:03:21.342
Teal Swan is about [br]to go bye bye.

0:03:21.342,0:03:22.082
Ok?

0:03:22.265,0:03:25.765
In talking to me you'll be talking to [br]the part of you that is resisting this.

0:03:25.765,0:03:26.835
She: OK.

0:03:35.475,0:03:37.155
I'm scared.

0:03:38.271,0:03:41.551
and I'm angry, I don't [br]wanna do it again

0:03:41.739,0:03:44.739
and I'm just like, really hopeless.

0:03:45.535,0:03:46.925
T: About what?

0:03:47.937,0:03:50.257
She: About failing again. I don't...

0:03:53.987,0:03:56.447
T: I have no idea why [br]you'd ever want a kid.

0:03:56.447,0:03:57.537
She: Say it again?

0:03:57.537,0:04:00.337
T: I have no idea why you [br]would ever want a child.

0:04:01.007,0:04:03.297
She: Because they're [br]amazing and fun,

0:04:03.297,0:04:06.787
and having the ability [br]to carry on my legacy

0:04:06.787,0:04:08.977
would be amazing.

0:04:08.977,0:04:10.857
And I wanna be a Mom.

0:04:10.857,0:04:13.047
Sorry you guys, [br]I'll keep it up here.

0:04:13.047,0:04:14.397
Um...

0:04:16.146,0:04:17.396
Yeah.

0:04:21.710,0:04:24.330
T: See that's the problem, [br]I have a completely view...

0:04:24.590,0:04:29.210
of what parenting and childhood [br]looks like than you do.

0:04:29.210,0:04:31.350
When you say: " Oh it's [br]gonna be so amazing."

0:04:31.350,0:04:32.860
I'm like: "No it's not."

0:04:32.860,0:04:35.960
It's gonna be hours and hours of hell.

0:04:35.960,0:04:36.830
She: Yeah.

0:04:36.830,0:04:37.630
T: Yeah.

0:04:37.630,0:04:40.980
And I know that, And I know that's [br]the part that I'm excited about.

0:04:40.980,0:04:42.600
Like, the hell.

0:04:42.600,0:04:43.730
Seriously.

0:04:43.730,0:04:45.030
I know, you guys,

0:04:45.030,0:04:47.630
all the parents in the room [br]look at me like I'm nuts.

0:04:47.630,0:04:51.000
But, the people that don't have [br]kids that want them, want that.

0:04:51.000,0:04:52.440
That's what I'm [br]talking about.

0:04:52.440,0:04:54.090
Like I'm sitting there [br]in the car,

0:04:54.090,0:04:55.170
driving and going:

0:04:55.170,0:04:58.870
"God, I wish I was somewhere [br]else right now but I'm not."

0:04:58.870,0:05:01.350
And I just wanna be [br]OK with where I'm at.

0:05:02.806,0:05:06.926
T: I don't want that, I feel like this is [br]just a strings attached relationship.

0:05:08.016,0:05:12.526
I actually can't conceptualize of [br]parenthood without strings attached.

0:05:13.033,0:05:17.463
And the second that something [br]starts feeding on me,

0:05:17.683,0:05:20.443
I feel the same feeling [br]I felt when I was little.

0:05:23.795,0:05:26.395
That's what makes me get rid of it.

0:05:26.689,0:05:29.509
She: like, I always have to be perfect.

0:05:29.944,0:05:32.544
when I was a kid. I don't think...

0:05:32.986,0:05:34.086
yeah.

0:05:36.742,0:05:38.542
T: I don't wanna feel used.

0:05:38.542,0:05:40.112
She: I don't wanna feel used.

0:05:40.112,0:05:43.392
I was the big sister so I always was [br]doing things for everyone else.

0:05:43.392,0:05:46.232
T: That's what I feel like, so [br]I don't wanna do it anymore.

0:05:46.232,0:05:48.822
But that's what you're not getting.[br]I don't wanna do it anymore.

0:05:48.822,0:05:49.942
So you keep telling me,

0:05:49.942,0:05:51.992
"Let's do this, let's [br]take care of a baby,

0:05:51.992,0:05:53.762
Let's make our life [br]about the baby."

0:05:53.762,0:05:55.782
I don't want that, that [br]was my whole life.

0:05:55.782,0:05:56.622
She: Yeah.

0:05:56.622,0:05:58.282
T: I want freedom.

0:05:58.282,0:06:00.652
She: So How do I get both?

0:06:03.252,0:06:05.672
How do I create this life of like...

0:06:07.309,0:06:10.149
fullness and family and you know?

0:06:10.149,0:06:12.659
T: It's not gonna happen [br]because I already know you,

0:06:12.659,0:06:14.539
because you're not [br]gonna let it happen.

0:06:14.539,0:06:17.069
You're gonna make it so [br]that you have to be perfect.

0:06:17.069,0:06:18.639
So let's say that, I...

0:06:18.639,0:06:19.949
it's too much for me.

0:06:19.949,0:06:23.949
I don't want to have my entire life be [br]dedicated to someone else anymore.

0:06:23.949,0:06:26.799
You're gonna say:[br]" Well you have to be."

0:06:26.799,0:06:29.999
Because if we're not then [br]we're not a good mother.

0:06:31.702,0:06:34.002
So, like I'm not gonna let it happen.

0:06:38.212,0:06:41.382
She: So how can I make you feel [br]comfortable with it happening?

0:06:42.713,0:06:43.783
Or...?

0:06:44.222,0:06:47.452
T: OK, like, from this part [br]I feel like it's impossible.

0:06:48.901,0:06:51.461
there is no earthly way that [br]you're gonna convince me

0:06:51.461,0:06:54.961
that one day you're going to be [br]OK with me doing a mediocre job

0:06:55.383,0:06:59.793
which is what you would [br]judge me as if I did anything

0:06:59.793,0:07:03.883
less than dedicate every [br]minute of my life to someone.

0:07:12.943,0:07:14.773
She: I feel stuck.

0:07:15.033,0:07:16.303
T: um hum.

0:07:17.184,0:07:21.884
She: Like this immense amount [br]of sadness and fear and...

0:07:21.884,0:07:23.684
T: Why do you want [br]a kid so bad?

0:07:23.684,0:07:25.104
I can't even relate to this.

0:07:25.104,0:07:27.414
Why is this so important?

0:07:29.979,0:07:32.349
She: Why can't I answer that?

0:07:39.311,0:07:40.831
I want to.

0:07:41.330,0:07:43.660
T: That's not a good enough reason.

0:07:47.518,0:07:49.968
She: I don't wanna be alone.

0:07:50.415,0:07:53.965
T: So you don't really want a kid, [br]you just don't want to be alone?

0:07:53.965,0:07:55.055
She: Yeah.

0:07:55.055,0:07:57.515
I mean I think I um...

0:08:02.916,0:08:05.046
T: This is what I'm [br]saying, like, you're...

0:08:05.046,0:08:05.796
She: No.

0:08:05.796,0:08:09.796
T: grrr... You're basically saying you [br]have to bite off all this crap

0:08:09.796,0:08:11.496
in order to get [br]what you want.

0:08:11.496,0:08:13.326
I won't do it anymore.

0:08:13.982,0:08:16.712
Like, and it's not just [br]relative to babies,

0:08:16.712,0:08:18.412
It's like a whole [br]thing with you.

0:08:18.412,0:08:20.192
I won't do it anymore.

0:08:21.896,0:08:24.166
She: Because I have [br]to be perfect at it?

0:08:24.200,0:08:26.350
T: Yeah you have to be [br]perfect at everything,

0:08:26.350,0:08:27.990
but it's not just [br]that, it's like,

0:08:27.990,0:08:31.390
well, in order to have belonging [br]or in order to have closeness,

0:08:31.390,0:08:33.420
or not be alone, I have to,

0:08:33.420,0:08:35.310
dedicate my life to someone else,

0:08:35.310,0:08:37.520
change diapers at two [br]o'clock in the morning,

0:08:37.520,0:08:40.600
make sure that I am doing that [br]and my job at the same time,

0:08:40.600,0:08:41.660
No.

0:08:44.203,0:08:46.403
She: We're not gonna do it?

0:08:46.403,0:08:49.713
T: No because I promised myself [br]years ago I would never do it again.

0:08:49.713,0:08:51.633
Like taking care of other people

0:08:51.633,0:08:53.803
I promised myself never again.

0:08:53.803,0:08:56.263
She: That's the other thing [br]too, I think is like...

0:08:56.263,0:08:58.893
I feel super selfish right now.

0:08:58.893,0:09:01.993
Like I've gone the other [br]direction, where I just...

0:09:01.993,0:09:04.513
I just barely am like... [br]wanting to...

0:09:04.646,0:09:06.266
T: Don't feel like that's true.

0:09:06.266,0:09:07.624
She: You don't?

0:09:07.624,0:09:11.034
T: A person who's super selfish doesn't [br]continue to remind themselves

0:09:11.034,0:09:13.264
what a bad they are [br]because they're selfish.

0:09:13.264,0:09:15.174
Audience: ~ Chuckles ~

0:09:15.993,0:09:17.513
She: ~ Laughs ~

0:09:17.513,0:09:19.153
Audience: ~ Laughs ~

0:09:19.153,0:09:20.943
She: You're right Teal.

0:09:20.943,0:09:23.433
You're right and I [br]have immense guilt

0:09:23.433,0:09:25.263
I just have this like,

0:09:26.553,0:09:29.953
"My family needs me, I've gotta [br]take care of my family"

0:09:29.953,0:09:32.343
So I guess that's just a continuation,

0:09:32.343,0:09:34.803
I know you're... I got nothing.

0:09:34.803,0:09:36.253
I got nothing.

0:09:36.253,0:09:40.253
I feel like everything I'm gonna [br]say to myself is bullshit.

0:09:40.253,0:09:42.423
And that's why I'm here honestly.

0:09:42.423,0:09:43.793
It's fucking bullshit.

0:09:43.793,0:09:47.033
T: Well then accept what I'm [br]saying to you as your truth.

0:09:48.220,0:09:51.000
Because this is why [br]you don't have kids.

0:09:52.892,0:09:55.752
And unless this changes, [br]I'm not changing.

0:09:57.173,0:10:00.603
She: because the expectation [br]of it to be perfect and not...?

0:10:02.593,0:10:04.453
~ Deep Sigh ~

0:10:06.273,0:10:07.343
Yeah.

0:10:07.933,0:10:10.673
I feel like I don't know [br]what else to say.

0:10:17.024,0:10:21.024
T: OK, that was pretty interesting.

0:10:24.689,0:10:26.529
What did you notice?

0:10:26.529,0:10:29.519
On a conscious level, about that?

0:10:33.605,0:10:35.385
She: That I'm not...

0:10:36.396,0:10:38.886
What I noticed I guess is that I'm...

0:10:39.664,0:10:42.064
I can't even feel that, I can't...

0:10:42.064,0:10:45.184
I see it... I hear it...

0:10:46.583,0:10:49.363
But it's so hard for me to feel it.

0:10:49.363,0:10:51.833
And it's so hard for me [br]be in that moment. Like...

0:10:52.443,0:10:54.693
I don't even know [br]how to explain it.

0:10:54.693,0:10:55.773
T: Can I tell you why?

0:10:55.773,0:10:56.603
She: Please.

0:10:56.603,0:10:59.153
T: Because You're terrified, [br]this goes for everyone,

0:10:59.153,0:11:02.083
you're terrified that if you [br]give that part of you air time,

0:11:02.083,0:11:03.723
you will never get [br]what you want.

0:11:03.723,0:11:04.433
She: Yeah.

0:11:04.433,0:11:06.233
T: This is the single [br]biggest reason

0:11:06.233,0:11:09.043
that people don't do work [br]with their resistant aspects

0:11:09.251,0:11:12.671
For example: In my position... [br]it would be the terrible...

0:11:12.671,0:11:15.411
I can't even admit to the aspect [br]of me that doesn't want

0:11:15.411,0:11:17.391
anything to do with [br]being on stage today.

0:11:17.391,0:11:19.591
Because if I do that [br]I won't be on stage.

0:11:19.591,0:11:21.434
T: That's not how it works.

0:11:21.434,0:11:25.334
She: I think that's really hard [br]for me to see my... shadows.

0:11:25.334,0:11:28.664
because I've been trained not to [br]feel my feelings for a long time.

0:11:28.664,0:11:31.424
T: Because you've been trained [br]that they're wrong.

0:11:31.424,0:11:32.744
She: Yeah.

0:11:32.744,0:11:33.754
T: Yes.

0:11:33.754,0:11:36.554
This is why we are unconscious of them.

0:11:36.554,0:11:40.414
Because the human ego is more [br]attached to the way that we look

0:11:40.414,0:11:43.074
to ourselves and other people, [br]than anything on earth.

0:11:43.074,0:11:44.214
She: Yeah.

0:11:44.214,0:11:46.834
T: so we are shooting [br]ourselves in the foot.

0:11:47.430,0:11:49.440
Is what we're doing.

0:11:50.274,0:11:51.914
She: How do I begin [br]to erase that?

0:11:51.914,0:11:56.024
T: what if I told you that you will not [br]ever conceive a child unless you do that?

0:11:56.024,0:11:57.294
She: I hear you.

0:11:57.294,0:11:59.204
T: Cuz that's literally [br]what I'm saying.

0:11:59.204,0:12:00.104
100%

0:12:00.104,0:12:01.794
Are you willing to [br]do that work?

0:12:01.794,0:12:02.664
She: Yes.

0:12:02.664,0:12:04.704
T: OK then here is my suggestion.

0:12:04.704,0:12:07.924
You know that I have trained people [br]in completion process right?

0:12:08.523,0:12:10.813
I would like it if you did [br]completion process

0:12:10.813,0:12:14.913
on this element of being [br]sucked on and used.

0:12:14.913,0:12:17.853
Especially, because when [br]I was in that aspect of you,

0:12:17.853,0:12:20.833
My God it was like... [br]the rebellion...

0:12:22.315,0:12:25.385
first I felt, ten thousand [br]pounds of pressure,

0:12:25.385,0:12:29.155
then it was like, [br]" Fuck that pressure".

0:12:30.066,0:12:32.816
Like, angry, like, violet anger.

0:12:32.816,0:12:35.906
She: I heard it described as [br]hot lava beds of anger once.

0:12:35.906,0:12:36.796
T: Yeah

0:12:36.796,0:12:38.056
She: When I did a reading.

0:12:38.056,0:12:38.916
T: Yes.

0:12:38.916,0:12:41.946
She: And I, it's like I'm so [br]not wanting to be angry,

0:12:41.946,0:12:43.536
that I don't even see them.

0:12:43.536,0:12:44.326
T: I know.

0:12:44.326,0:12:46.246
She: My husband tells me, [br]"You're so angry."

0:12:46.246,0:12:47.846
I'm like: "I'm fucking not angry.

0:12:47.846,0:12:50.266
Are you kidding me? [br]Like, I'm happy."

0:12:50.266,0:12:52.706
And it's like: "No Babe, [br]you're being angry."

0:12:52.706,0:12:54.656
I'm like: "No, I'm fine."

0:12:54.656,0:12:58.656
And so I'm slowly starting [br]to feel those feelings

0:12:58.656,0:13:00.266
and get OK with them.

0:13:00.266,0:13:02.656
T: And that's what I want [br]you to be doing more of.

0:13:02.656,0:13:05.216
So I would love it if you [br]did the completion process

0:13:05.216,0:13:08.616
But I want you to pick a facilitator [br]who's capable of doing parts work.

0:13:08.616,0:13:09.506
Parts work.

0:13:09.506,0:13:10.736
She: Parts work. Ok.

0:13:10.736,0:13:15.416
T: Because I want you to be face to [br]face with the aspect I was just in.

0:13:15.416,0:13:17.726
Over and over and over.

0:13:17.726,0:13:19.616
Until there starts to [br]be some harmony.

0:13:19.616,0:13:21.876
Because the relationship, [br]did you guys notice?

0:13:21.876,0:13:23.996
The relationship between [br]you and this aspect

0:13:23.996,0:13:27.436
is like a really ~ Negative Gesture ~ [br]tipe of relationship.

0:13:27.436,0:13:28.326
She: Yeah.

0:13:28.326,0:13:30.806
T: And you're like: " Why are [br]you doing this to me?"

0:13:30.806,0:13:32.636
And that part is like, " What the [br]fuck are you even saying?"

0:13:32.636,0:13:33.896
She: Because [br]You hate me.

0:13:33.896,0:13:36.086
Of course, that's what [br]I was with my partner

0:13:36.086,0:13:37.016
All I could just [br]view was hate.

0:13:37.016,0:13:38.316
T: Yeah I actually [br]did hate you.

0:13:38.316,0:13:39.936
I did hate you [br]as that part.

0:13:39.936,0:13:44.185
And so when you've got that going [br]on in your own consciousness

0:13:44.185,0:13:46.925
that is a huge issue.

0:13:47.243,0:13:50.563
That doesn't just manifest [br]as infertility issues as well.

0:13:50.563,0:13:52.363
That affects everything.

0:13:52.363,0:13:53.173
She: um hum.

0:13:53.173,0:13:55.113
T: I want you to be doing that.

0:13:55.113,0:13:56.903
And that's like, my [br]basic request.

0:13:56.903,0:13:57.603
She: OK.

0:13:57.603,0:13:59.323
T: But here's the thing.

0:13:59.323,0:14:03.713
Before you go to the work of doing [br]that which extends beond this stage.

0:14:05.844,0:14:09.284
You have got to accept that this [br]is a very real and valid part of you.

0:14:09.284,0:14:11.654
The part that literally [br]wants nothing to do

0:14:11.654,0:14:14.594
with taking care of [br]anyone ever again.

0:14:18.613,0:14:20.583
That that's a very valid feeling

0:14:20.583,0:14:23.353
and doesn't make you a self [br]centered person or a bitch.

0:14:23.353,0:14:25.783
but here's the thing, when [br]you grew up in families

0:14:25.783,0:14:28.243
like you grew up in, that's [br]what you would be told.

0:14:28.243,0:14:30.133
If you don't take care [br]of other people,

0:14:30.133,0:14:32.353
that's what they'd tell you.

0:14:33.876,0:14:37.236
She: I have a hard time picking [br]out what I want to eat sometimes.

0:14:37.236,0:14:40.486
Because literally it's like: [br]"Oh no, that? You want that?"

0:14:40.486,0:14:43.246
"No. That's not cheap, [br]you've gotta get this."

0:14:43.246,0:14:44.796
So like, my husband will ask me:

0:14:44.796,0:14:46.796
"Where do you wanna [br]go out for dinner?"

0:14:46.796,0:14:48.576
I'm like: " Whatever, [br]I don't care."

0:14:48.576,0:14:50.136
But I do care, but [br]I don't care.

0:14:50.136,0:14:52.966
So I have a hard time figuring [br]out what I actually believe.

0:14:52.966,0:14:55.566
T: You do care but you're [br]not allowed to care.

0:14:55.566,0:14:57.356
T: You see what I mean?

0:14:57.356,0:15:00.746
You want the things [br]that you say you want.

0:15:00.746,0:15:03.806
But you don't want the venue [br]through which you get them.

0:15:05.516,0:15:07.716
You're living your life [br]through transaction

0:15:07.716,0:15:09.766
and it's not gonna [br]work for that part.

0:15:10.261,0:15:12.571
Because you can convince yourself:

0:15:12.571,0:15:15.731
"No I want to be changing diapers [br]at two o'clock in the morning."

0:15:15.731,0:15:18.131
You're never gonna convince [br]this part of that.

0:15:18.131,0:15:20.891
And by raise of hands, how [br]many of you as mothers

0:15:20.891,0:15:23.671
found this part of yourself when [br]you were changing diapers

0:15:23.671,0:15:26.841
at two o'clock in the morning?

0:15:27.968,0:15:29.838
Trust me it's going to happen.

0:15:29.838,0:15:32.298
Like, that part, If it's not [br]delt with before hand.

0:15:32.298,0:15:34.498
And if you don't create [br]strategies around it,

0:15:34.498,0:15:36.308
will rear it's head [br]in parenthood.

0:15:36.308,0:15:39.038
And then you will literally [br]live out your mother.

0:15:39.038,0:15:40.488
She: I don't wanna be her.

0:15:40.488,0:15:41.708
T: Yeah, I know.

0:15:41.708,0:15:42.948
But like here's the thing,

0:15:42.948,0:15:46.448
if you don't resolve the aspects within [br]you that are the result of her,

0:15:46.448,0:15:48.378
and that are the [br]representations of her,

0:15:48.378,0:15:50.338
you are destined to be.

0:15:50.338,0:15:51.858
You will have that moment,

0:15:51.858,0:15:54.258
where with your child [br]you are your mother.

0:15:54.258,0:15:55.778
And I want to protect you from,

0:15:55.778,0:15:57.918
I mean your body is [br]protecting you from that.

0:15:57.918,0:16:00.658
It's not even letting you [br]get into it in the first place.

0:16:00.658,0:16:02.388
But I want those resolved.

0:16:02.388,0:16:04.128
They have to be [br]directly addressed.

0:16:04.128,0:16:04.928
She: OK.

0:16:04.928,0:16:06.508
T: So what I want [br]from you today

0:16:06.508,0:16:09.198
before really committing to [br]doing that tipe of work is,

0:16:09.198,0:16:11.498
The acknowledgement...

0:16:11.498,0:16:14.818
Part of you has no interest whatsoever [br]in taking care of other people

0:16:14.818,0:16:16.138
or being used again.

0:16:16.138,0:16:18.958
And that's exactly what a [br]relationship with a child is like

0:16:18.958,0:16:20.758
for the first many years.

0:16:20.758,0:16:22.358
It's not like they [br]nurse and say:

0:16:22.358,0:16:23.968
" Oh my God, thank you."

0:16:23.968,0:16:24.768
She: Right.

0:16:24.768,0:16:27.738
I don't think they thank [br]you until they're like fifty.

0:16:28.468,0:16:29.478
Sometimes.

0:16:29.478,0:16:31.748
T: Depends on how good [br]the relationship was.

0:16:31.748,0:16:33.328
~ Chuckles ~

0:16:33.328,0:16:34.648
She: Thank you.

0:16:36.246,0:16:39.106
T: No more hiding behind [br]I have to be a good person,

0:16:39.106,0:16:42.036
and so I can't have [br]this be part of me.

0:16:42.693,0:16:44.653
Does that make sense?

0:16:44.880,0:16:45.720
She: OK.

0:16:45.720,0:16:49.030
T: It's that, it's the mentality: [br]"I can't have this be part of me."

0:16:49.030,0:16:53.030
That makes it so that you can't move [br]forward with these resistant aspects.

0:16:53.253,0:16:55.413
I can't have the terrorit be part of me.

0:16:55.413,0:16:58.423
And so, I'm now acting subconsciously

0:16:58.423,0:17:00.643
and everyone else sees [br]that you're a terrorist

0:17:00.643,0:17:03.063
but you don't see it in yourself.

0:17:03.673,0:17:05.533
But for you it's not the terrorist.

0:17:05.533,0:17:09.533
It's the part of you that was an [br]intensely enmeshed parentified child,

0:17:10.717,0:17:13.547
who wants nothing to [br]do with that anymore.

0:17:15.680,0:17:18.550
So here's how you're... [br]and I need this resolve now;

0:17:18.550,0:17:19.780
Because here's the thing;

0:17:19.780,0:17:23.190
Your parenting, and the situation [br]you set up for your parenting,

0:17:23.190,0:17:25.340
has got to include those parts.

0:17:25.340,0:17:26.520
Does that make sense?

0:17:26.520,0:17:27.400
She: Yeah.

0:17:27.400,0:17:29.470
T: Most of us in this generation

0:17:29.470,0:17:32.250
were raised by mothers who [br]took the opposite approach.

0:17:32.250,0:17:35.270
Mothers who said, I have to [br]be a certain kind of mother.

0:17:35.270,0:17:37.730
And so they did it with resentment.

0:17:38.071,0:17:40.491
And most of us grow [br]up looking back, going:

0:17:40.491,0:17:42.781
"I wish you wouldn't [br]have even done it."

0:17:44.175,0:17:46.225
She: I don't wanna be that mom.

0:17:46.225,0:17:48.185
T: But that's the track [br]you're headed on

0:17:48.185,0:17:51.695
when as this part you're unwilling [br]to acknowledge the other part.

0:17:51.837,0:17:53.267
Does that make sense?

0:17:53.267,0:17:54.257
She: Yeah.

0:17:54.257,0:17:55.757
T: because, for that part,

0:17:55.757,0:17:57.547
for a part that's intensely enmeshed,

0:17:57.547,0:18:00.527
this may be interesting for [br]some of you fathers or mothers,

0:18:00.527,0:18:03.237
if you're intensely enmeshed [br]in your childhood,

0:18:03.237,0:18:06.407
and your whole life was about [br]taking care of something else,

0:18:06.625,0:18:09.415
You've gotta set up [br]a parenting scenario,

0:18:09.415,0:18:11.485
That doesn't make you [br]feel like that again,

0:18:11.485,0:18:14.445
otherwise, it's just re-traumatization.

0:18:15.475,0:18:16.624
She: OK.

0:18:16.624,0:18:19.844
T: But does that make sense to [br]you in terms of practicality or not?

0:18:19.844,0:18:21.434
She: No, yes, totally.

0:18:21.434,0:18:22.924
T: How then? I wanna know.

0:18:22.924,0:18:28.264
She: Um, I am going to start being more [br]proactive on the thing that I wanna do

0:18:28.264,0:18:30.734
and just making decisions [br]based on how I feel

0:18:30.734,0:18:33.044
instead of how everyone else feels.

0:18:33.377,0:18:35.817
Is what I'm hearing.[br]One thing I can do.

0:18:35.817,0:18:37.837
T: Yes but don't get to bulldoze.

0:18:37.837,0:18:38.597
She: OK.

0:18:38.597,0:18:40.927
T: Because this is what...[br]did you guys hear that?

0:18:40.927,0:18:43.007
because you're either, [br]from that set point,

0:18:43.007,0:18:45.427
all you're doing either [br]bulldozing the part of you

0:18:45.427,0:18:47.487
that wants to be a perfect mother,

0:18:47.487,0:18:51.117
or you're bulldozing the part of you [br]that doesn't even want to be a mother.

0:18:51.117,0:18:52.317
That's not how this goes.

0:18:52.317,0:18:56.097
This is about finding a fusion between [br]them and working through the resistance.

0:18:56.097,0:18:57.117
So, for example,

0:18:57.117,0:18:59.257
You're gonna be the tipe [br]of mother who says:

0:18:59.257,0:19:00.807
"If I don't make my child,

0:19:00.807,0:19:03.717
like every aspect of my [br]child's food from scratch,

0:19:04.173,0:19:06.123
then I'm a terrible mother.

0:19:06.740,0:19:09.200
And if I'm not at every PTA conference,

0:19:09.200,0:19:10.570
I'm a terrible mother."

0:19:10.570,0:19:11.390
"And if I'm not..."

0:19:11.390,0:19:12.440
You see what I mean?

0:19:12.440,0:19:14.260
And then that other [br]part is gonna say:

0:19:14.260,0:19:15.430
" I didn't want this."

0:19:15.430,0:19:17.570
She: " I didn't even wanna [br]go there anyway."

0:19:17.570,0:19:18.330
T: Yeah.

0:19:18.330,0:19:20.250
So you can't live your life [br]bulldozing one or the other.

0:19:20.250,0:19:22.460
It's about, "OK, so how do [br]we work with the mentality

0:19:22.460,0:19:24.960
around having to do [br]this, so it's not so rigid?"

0:19:24.960,0:19:25.870
She: Yeah.

0:19:25.870,0:19:30.390
T: So that maybe you can be OK not [br]showing up to every PTA conference.

0:19:31.544,0:19:34.684
Or just going to two of [br]them instead of five of them.

0:19:34.684,0:19:35.804
She: Right.

0:19:35.804,0:19:36.704
T: Makes sense?

0:19:36.704,0:19:37.554
She: Yeah.

0:19:37.554,0:19:40.524
T: OK, I really want you [br]to do this work.

0:19:40.524,0:19:42.604
She: Oh, I'm... it's an emergency.

0:19:42.604,0:19:43.754
T: Yeah it is actually.

0:19:43.754,0:19:45.014
She: Yeah.

0:19:45.634,0:19:48.634
So, I'm listening. I'm here. [br]I'm coach-able.

0:19:49.612,0:19:51.332
T: I believe you.

0:19:51.332,0:19:52.292
She: Yeah.

0:19:52.292,0:19:56.502
T: And for what it's worth, [br]from one to another,

0:19:56.502,0:19:59.772
Infertility is one of the worst [br]things a person can go through.

0:20:00.944,0:20:02.644
So I get it.

0:20:02.644,0:20:05.204
She: It makes you feel like [br]your body is against you.

0:20:05.204,0:20:06.414
T: yeah well,

0:20:06.414,0:20:08.674
She: It is, well not actually, [br]it's with you...

0:20:08.674,0:20:09.574
T: Exactly.

0:20:09.574,0:20:11.674
She: Because the other [br]part of you is like,

0:20:11.674,0:20:13.594
No we're actually not [br]gonna do this now.

0:20:13.594,0:20:14.514
T: Exactly.

0:20:14.514,0:20:15.624
She: Yeah.

0:20:15.935,0:20:17.745
It's like crazy.

0:20:18.873,0:20:22.873
T: Before you get off stage, there [br]is no such thing as self sabotage.

0:20:23.733,0:20:25.033
There is no such thing.

0:20:25.033,0:20:28.173
And like, if you guys are here, [br]and this is your first time here,

0:20:28.173,0:20:30.053
and listening to this [br]type of material,

0:20:30.053,0:20:32.663
I want you to write that down on [br]a big piece of paper and circle it.

0:20:32.663,0:20:35.513
There is no such thing in this [br]universe as self sabotage.

0:20:35.513,0:20:37.181
It is an impossibility.

0:20:37.181,0:20:39.641
The things that you think [br]are self sabotaging

0:20:39.641,0:20:43.011
are actually trying to save your [br]life in the way that they know how.

0:20:43.011,0:20:44.901
Are they mistaken about it?

0:20:44.901,0:20:46.271
Usually.

0:20:47.899,0:20:51.899
But I mean, can we say, given [br]that you just saw that part of her,

0:20:51.899,0:20:54.499
can we say that it's doing [br]something wrong right now?

0:20:54.499,0:20:55.839
No.

0:20:55.839,0:20:58.299
She: It's protecting me [br]from diapers at two A.M.

0:20:58.299,0:20:59.709
because I don't wanna do it.

0:20:59.709,0:21:03.279
T: Exactly so two parts of you disagree [br]about what's gonna keep you alive.

0:21:03.279,0:21:05.149
She: This relationship [br]is in conflict.

0:21:05.149,0:21:05.929
T: Yes.

0:21:05.929,0:21:06.849
You get it.

0:21:06.849,0:21:07.919
She: I get it.

0:21:08.651,0:21:09.531
T: OK.

0:21:09.531,0:21:11.301
She: Thank you.

0:21:33.731,0:21:36.511
Transcribed by: Tanya Duarte