The unstoppable power of letting go | Jill Sherer Murray | TEDxWilmingtonWomen

Letting go can make you unstoppable.

Jill recounts her story of love, loss and new life through the challenges with an uncommitted boyfriend, facing her fear of letting go, and becoming comfortable with the ramifications of letting go. Jill shares the 5 Steps she took to let go of what didn’t work and welcomed what she desired in life and relationships.

Jill is an award-winning journalist and communications leader who can trace every success in her career (and love life) to letting go. In her current role, she leads a team of creatives in developing education and marketing campaigns for the national consulting firm Trion Group, a Marsh & McLennan Agency, LLC. A writer, marketer, blogger, and speaker, Jill spent a year studying improvisation comedy at the famous Second City Training Center. She also let go of just about everything to put her weight in Shape Magazine 12 times as part of an assignment to document her year-long weight loss for six million readers. Her talk helps others realize what letting go really means: winning.

This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at http://ted.com/tedx

Letting go can make you unstoppable.

I know because I let go
of a relationship and reclaimed my life.

And I know that letting go
can create the best of change

for each and everyone of you.

Let me tell you a story.

When I was 41, the death of a relationship
showed me how to truly let go

of what wasn't working.

See, up until that time,
I didn't really think about the future.

I kind of lived my life like a dog -

moment to moment.

I chased balls, I ate
whatever I could find on the ground.

(Laughter)

And life was good.

I had a great job, great friends,
a great apartment,

a great actual dog, and a great boyfriend.

Well, sort of.

See, Hector didn't have any skin
in the game, and I felt that.

He danced around
the very idea of marriage,

and after 12 years,
we didn't even live together.

Still, he gave me hope.

Well, sometimes.

More like living in a situation
that had no hope just felt normal.

Don't get me wrong.

I stayed

because Hector was a good looking, smart,
reliable, and sensitive guy who cared,

and while our relationship
wasn't perfect, it worked in theory.

Until a wake-up call from a friend
changed everything.

So my realtor friend called
to tell me about a condo

coming up for sale
in my Chicago neighborhood.

She knew that I was looking
for Hector to commit and thought,

''Well, maybe this could inspire
a little forward motion.''

Still, my first inclination was to say,
"We're not ready. Not yet."

Haha, "Not yet."

That was Hector's favorite catchphrase.

I would say, ''I want to get married.''

He'd say, ''Not yet.''

I'd say, ''Let's live together.''

"Not yet."

''Not yet'' was a hair
I couldn't get out of my eye

and a bad song
I couldn't get out of my head.

So you could imagine my surprise
when he said "Sure''

to meeting me at the condo at noon.

Now, I arrived early and eager.

But Hector?

Haha, well that was another story.

12:15 came.

12:30.

12:45.

1:00 pm.

No Hector.

Eventually, he called,
something had come up.

So we agreed to reconvene at three,
but Hector was a no-show again.

It was in that moment that I decided,

after 12 years, it was time to let go.

See, I had to let go of Hector
and of the idea of marrying him or anybody

because at 41, my options were scary.

I could either stay with a man
who couldn't commit,

but was great on
all the holidays and birthdays,

or I could break up with him and be alone.

Not that letting go of a good man
I truly loved was easy.

No, no. I had to survive
the consequences of my epiphany,

and that's when the pain stage kicked in.

"You and Hector
won't be together forever.

You won't be his person.

In fact, he'll probably
meet somebody else fast,

marry her, and she'll be his person.

And then you're going to have to live
with the fact that you made a mistake."

I ugly cried, ate a lot of pizza,
listened to a lot of Joni Mitchell.

(Laughter)

And then, when I couldn't rub
my eyes anymore without hitting bone

or imagine Hector in a wedding photo
with another woman,

probably in a size-6 dress,

I brushed myself off.

See, I let go of the fear
that I would grow old and die alone,

that my friends would use me
as a cautionary tale,

that it was too late for me.

No, no. In that moment,

I had to finally admit
what I really wanted,

which was more.

You see, Hector not showing up,

that was a gift,

and that it gave me freedom
because let's face it,

I'd been chasing that ball for 12 years.

No, no. It was time to move on,
even if I risked rejection.

So I made a plan,

one that got clearer with every step.

Of course, Hector had an excuse
for his no-show.

But by then, it didn't matter.

I told him it was over.

I quit my job, I hugged my friends,

I sold my beautiful condo
in the same neighborhood

that delivered me
that life-changing epiphany.

I let go of everything to start a whole
new life in New Hope, Pennsylvania.

To which he said,
''Don't go, we'll get married.''

To which I said, ''You had twelve years.''

To which he said, ''I'll come visit.''

To which I said, ''Not yet.''

(Laughter)

Was it hard?

Ha ha, you bet.

Was it worth it?

Within a year of leaving,
I met my husband Dan online.

(Laughter)

I knew when he showed up
for our first date,

in the most wrinkled shirt
I have ever seen,

(Laughter)

with a rain hat to keep me dry
walking from the restaurant to the car,

that this was my guy.

(Laughter)

You see, umbrellas were for people
who wanted distance.

Too heavy a wind, you know,
turned them inside out,

and even the best of them
only lasted so long.

But a rain hat,

you know, the kind with a string,
and you tie it under your chin,

(Laughter)

Now, that's personal.

And after four dates, it turned to love.

Finally, I understood
why I had to wait so long.

Dan was handsome and wise
and soulful and kind,

and he made me feel
like I could do and be anything.

We could.

And we got married a year later.

(Sigh)

When I turned 50, Hector died of cancer.

And as you can imagine,
I grieved for a very long time.

But his death reaffirmed for me

the promise I made
to myself when I was 41:

that I would never
take time for granted again.

Instead, I would use it
to let go, to create space

for the things I really wanted
and for what mattered most.

Here are five ways
to let go I know work

because I still use them every single day.

One.

Let go of taking things personally.

I spent a lot of time wondering why Hector
didn't love me enough to marry me

until I realized that his inability
to commit had less to do with me

and more to do
with his duty to his family.

Now, I'm not saying that was not
a hard pill to swallow,

but there was a lot of peace

in knowing that it was his issue
and not some defect in me.

If people aren't giving you what you want,
or if they're just behaving badly,

most times, that's their problem,

not yours.

Two.

Let go of what other people think.

So after my husband and I
dated for a couple of months,

I took him home to meet my parents.

(Laughter)

''He's very good-looking,''
my mother said.

''You know, Ted Bundy
is very good looking.''

(Laughter)

Now, I could've let this
influence my actions,

(Laughter)

could have let my imagination run wild

with thoughts of my new beau
stabbing me while I slept.

(Laughter)

But instead, I just
chalked it up to my mother.

There is a rule in business that states:

Whenever you are putting
something out there,

10% of people will hate it,

80% will be indifferent,

and 10% will be your raving fans.

And raving fans are awesome,

but if somebody's not a raving fan,
let that be okay too.

Three.

Let go of trying
to be something you're not.

Now, I have this crazy big personality
that I actually call "the Big."

Some people really like the Big.

(Laughter)

Some people are fascinated by it,

kind of the way they are
fascinated by jugglers.

(Laughter)

And others just run away.

But it’s who I am.

I have tried to turn down
the current on the Big,

but hard as I try, there it is.

There are some things
we just can't change about ourselves,

and that's a good thing.

Four.

Let go of the need to be perfect.

Many years ago, I wrote
a column for Shape Magazine,

and I got a lot of mail from readers,

including a very sad letter
from this teenage girl

asking for my advice
on how to improve herself

after her absolutely horrid boyfriend
had her strip down

so he could critique her body.

This is a true story.

I said, ''Dump him immediately,

and never let anybody
make you feel bad about yourself again."

But we all know that feeling
the need for perfection

is not just about our weight.

It's also about keeping the house clean
and the dogs groomed

and the kids healthy
and the bosses happy

and all the balls in the air.

It's even about keeping our youth intact.

And yet, who wants to be friends
with someone who's perfect?

Think about that.

And lastly, five -

my favorite!

Let go of ''Not yet.''

You know, when I left Chicago,
my life was pretty good,

it just wasn't good enough.

If there is something you want to do,
make a plan and act, but don't wait.

I still grieve for Hector, you know,
it just comes in waves now.

But it’s the phone call I can't make

that reminds me to make every day count.

And I encourage you all to do the same.

Whatever that is, I say,
''Let go for it.''

Thank you.

(Applause)