1
00:00:08,773 --> 00:00:12,437
Letting go can make you unstoppable.

2
00:00:13,271 --> 00:00:17,570
I know because I let go
of a relationship and reclaimed my life.

3
00:00:18,039 --> 00:00:21,159
And I know that letting go
can create the best of change

4
00:00:21,484 --> 00:00:23,167
for each and everyone of you.

5
00:00:23,921 --> 00:00:25,591
Let me tell you a story.

6
00:00:26,341 --> 00:00:31,927
When I was 41, the death of a relationship
showed me how to truly let go

7
00:00:32,316 --> 00:00:34,985
of what wasn't working.

8
00:00:35,571 --> 00:00:39,144
See, up until that time,
I didn't really think about the future.

9
00:00:39,771 --> 00:00:41,916
I kind of lived my life like a dog -

10
00:00:41,916 --> 00:00:43,110
moment to moment.

11
00:00:43,115 --> 00:00:45,908
I chased balls, I ate
whatever I could find on the ground.

12
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(Laughter)

13
00:00:46,964 --> 00:00:48,329
And life was good.

14
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I had a great job, great friends,
a great apartment,

15
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a great actual dog, and a great boyfriend.

16
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Well, sort of.

17
00:01:00,379 --> 00:01:04,506
See, Hector didn't have any skin
in the game, and I felt that.

18
00:01:05,089 --> 00:01:07,351
He danced around
the very idea of marriage,

19
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and after 12 years,
we didn't even live together.

20
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Still, he gave me hope.

21
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Well, sometimes.

22
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More like living in a situation
that had no hope just felt normal.

23
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Don't get me wrong.

24
00:01:23,640 --> 00:01:24,727
I stayed

25
00:01:24,727 --> 00:01:29,650
because Hector was a good looking, smart,
reliable, and sensitive guy who cared,

26
00:01:30,063 --> 00:01:33,362
and while our relationship
wasn't perfect, it worked in theory.

27
00:01:34,354 --> 00:01:38,054
Until a wake-up call from a friend
changed everything.

28
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So my realtor friend called
to tell me about a condo

29
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coming up for sale
in my Chicago neighborhood.

30
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She knew that I was looking
for Hector to commit and thought,

31
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''Well, maybe this could inspire
a little forward motion.''

32
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Still, my first inclination was to say,
"We're not ready. Not yet."

33
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Haha, "Not yet."

34
00:02:01,796 --> 00:02:04,091
That was Hector's favorite catchphrase.

35
00:02:04,504 --> 00:02:07,084
I would say, ''I want to get married.''

36
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He'd say, ''Not yet.''

37
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I'd say, ''Let's live together.''

38
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"Not yet."

39
00:02:13,124 --> 00:02:15,998
''Not yet'' was a hair
I couldn't get out of my eye

40
00:02:16,126 --> 00:02:18,761
and a bad song
I couldn't get out of my head.

41
00:02:19,404 --> 00:02:22,974
So you could imagine my surprise
when he said "Sure''

42
00:02:22,999 --> 00:02:25,089
to meeting me at the condo at noon.

43
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Now, I arrived early and eager.

44
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But Hector?

45
00:02:29,032 --> 00:02:31,232
Haha, well that was another story.

46
00:02:31,933 --> 00:02:33,648
12:15 came.

47
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12:30.

48
00:02:35,043 --> 00:02:36,603
12:45.

49
00:02:36,603 --> 00:02:38,114
1:00 pm.

50
00:02:38,114 --> 00:02:39,158
No Hector.

51
00:02:39,579 --> 00:02:41,690
Eventually, he called,
something had come up.

52
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So we agreed to reconvene at three,
but Hector was a no-show again.

53
00:02:48,736 --> 00:02:52,103
It was in that moment that I decided,

54
00:02:52,746 --> 00:02:58,728
after 12 years, it was time to let go.

55
00:03:00,006 --> 00:03:05,168
See, I had to let go of Hector
and of the idea of marrying him or anybody

56
00:03:05,168 --> 00:03:08,317
because at 41, my options were scary.

57
00:03:09,033 --> 00:03:11,711
I could either stay with a man
who couldn't commit,

58
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but was great on
all the holidays and birthdays,

59
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or I could break up with him and be alone.

60
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Not that letting go of a good man
I truly loved was easy.

61
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No, no. I had to survive
the consequences of my epiphany,

62
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and that's when the pain stage kicked in.

63
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"You and Hector
won't be together forever.

64
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You won't be his person.

65
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In fact, he'll probably
meet somebody else fast,

66
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marry her, and she'll be his person.

67
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And then you're going to have to live
with the fact that you made a mistake."

68
00:03:45,302 --> 00:03:51,829
I ugly cried, ate a lot of pizza,
listened to a lot of Joni Mitchell.

69
00:03:51,854 --> 00:03:52,877
(Laughter)

70
00:03:52,902 --> 00:03:56,870
And then, when I couldn't rub
my eyes anymore without hitting bone

71
00:03:56,897 --> 00:03:59,852
or imagine Hector in a wedding photo
with another woman,

72
00:04:00,377 --> 00:04:02,200
probably in a size-6 dress,

73
00:04:02,923 --> 00:04:05,138
I brushed myself off.

74
00:04:06,223 --> 00:04:10,512
See, I let go of the fear
that I would grow old and die alone,

75
00:04:11,433 --> 00:04:14,336
that my friends would use me
as a cautionary tale,

76
00:04:14,896 --> 00:04:17,238
that it was too late for me.

77
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No, no. In that moment,

78
00:04:19,645 --> 00:04:23,746
I had to finally admit
what I really wanted,

79
00:04:24,151 --> 00:04:25,746
which was more.

80
00:04:26,499 --> 00:04:28,302
You see, Hector not showing up,

81
00:04:28,302 --> 00:04:29,566
that was a gift,

82
00:04:29,566 --> 00:04:32,923
and that it gave me freedom
because let's face it,

83
00:04:33,516 --> 00:04:35,804
I'd been chasing that ball for 12 years.

84
00:04:36,469 --> 00:04:40,941
No, no. It was time to move on,
even if I risked rejection.

85
00:04:41,608 --> 00:04:43,224
So I made a plan,

86
00:04:43,225 --> 00:04:46,202
one that got clearer with every step.

87
00:04:48,106 --> 00:04:52,476
Of course, Hector had an excuse
for his no-show.

88
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But by then, it didn't matter.

89
00:04:54,534 --> 00:04:56,186
I told him it was over.

90
00:04:56,707 --> 00:04:59,312
I quit my job, I hugged my friends,

91
00:04:59,685 --> 00:05:02,800
I sold my beautiful condo
in the same neighborhood

92
00:05:02,825 --> 00:05:05,681
that delivered me
that life-changing epiphany.

93
00:05:06,602 --> 00:05:12,903
I let go of everything to start a whole
new life in New Hope, Pennsylvania.

94
00:05:14,667 --> 00:05:17,802
To which he said,
''Don't go, we'll get married.''

95
00:05:19,596 --> 00:05:22,493
To which I said, ''You had twelve years.''

96
00:05:23,573 --> 00:05:25,943
To which he said, ''I'll come visit.''

97
00:05:26,937 --> 00:05:30,023
To which I said, ''Not yet.''

98
00:05:30,599 --> 00:05:32,153
(Laughter)

99
00:05:33,780 --> 00:05:34,799
Was it hard?

100
00:05:34,824 --> 00:05:36,379
Ha ha, you bet.

101
00:05:37,110 --> 00:05:38,384
Was it worth it?

102
00:05:40,931 --> 00:05:44,939
Within a year of leaving,
I met my husband Dan online.

103
00:05:45,407 --> 00:05:46,687
(Laughter)

104
00:05:46,919 --> 00:05:49,605
I knew when he showed up
for our first date,

105
00:05:49,937 --> 00:05:52,431
in the most wrinkled shirt
I have ever seen,

106
00:05:52,456 --> 00:05:53,461
(Laughter)

107
00:05:53,486 --> 00:05:57,515
with a rain hat to keep me dry
walking from the restaurant to the car,

108
00:05:57,895 --> 00:05:59,574
that this was my guy.

109
00:05:59,841 --> 00:06:00,937
(Laughter)

110
00:06:01,083 --> 00:06:04,196
You see, umbrellas were for people
who wanted distance.

111
00:06:04,379 --> 00:06:06,918
Too heavy a wind, you know,
turned them inside out,

112
00:06:07,004 --> 00:06:10,198
and even the best of them
only lasted so long.

113
00:06:10,579 --> 00:06:11,798
But a rain hat,

114
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you know, the kind with a string,
and you tie it under your chin,

115
00:06:15,221 --> 00:06:16,324
(Laughter)

116
00:06:16,609 --> 00:06:18,125
Now, that's personal.

117
00:06:18,675 --> 00:06:21,958
And after four dates, it turned to love.

118
00:06:23,312 --> 00:06:27,708
Finally, I understood
why I had to wait so long.

119
00:06:28,228 --> 00:06:32,272
Dan was handsome and wise
and soulful and kind,

120
00:06:32,297 --> 00:06:35,517
and he made me feel
like I could do and be anything.

121
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We could.

122
00:06:37,292 --> 00:06:39,223
And we got married a year later.

123
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(Sigh)

124
00:06:42,631 --> 00:06:47,647
When I turned 50, Hector died of cancer.

125
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And as you can imagine,
I grieved for a very long time.

126
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But his death reaffirmed for me

127
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the promise I made
to myself when I was 41:

128
00:07:00,532 --> 00:07:04,749
that I would never
take time for granted again.

129
00:07:05,837 --> 00:07:10,462
Instead, I would use it
to let go, to create space

130
00:07:10,572 --> 00:07:14,112
for the things I really wanted
and for what mattered most.

131
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Here are five ways
to let go I know work

132
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because I still use them every single day.

133
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One.

134
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Let go of taking things personally.

135
00:07:27,854 --> 00:07:31,592
I spent a lot of time wondering why Hector
didn't love me enough to marry me

136
00:07:31,617 --> 00:07:36,116
until I realized that his inability
to commit had less to do with me

137
00:07:36,236 --> 00:07:38,899
and more to do
with his duty to his family.

138
00:07:39,591 --> 00:07:42,230
Now, I'm not saying that was not
a hard pill to swallow,

139
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but there was a lot of peace

140
00:07:43,815 --> 00:07:47,631
in knowing that it was his issue
and not some defect in me.

141
00:07:48,774 --> 00:07:53,506
If people aren't giving you what you want,
or if they're just behaving badly,

142
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most times, that's their problem,

143
00:07:56,616 --> 00:07:58,076
not yours.

144
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Two.

145
00:08:00,344 --> 00:08:03,144
Let go of what other people think.

146
00:08:04,693 --> 00:08:07,273
So after my husband and I
dated for a couple of months,

147
00:08:07,298 --> 00:08:09,020
I took him home to meet my parents.

148
00:08:09,323 --> 00:08:10,361
(Laughter)

149
00:08:10,829 --> 00:08:12,923
''He's very good-looking,''
my mother said.

150
00:08:13,666 --> 00:08:17,203
''You know, Ted Bundy
is very good looking.''

151
00:08:17,228 --> 00:08:18,588
(Laughter)

152
00:08:20,168 --> 00:08:24,353
Now, I could've let this
influence my actions,

153
00:08:24,378 --> 00:08:25,487
(Laughter)

154
00:08:25,488 --> 00:08:27,520
could have let my imagination run wild


155
00:08:27,520 --> 00:08:30,710
with thoughts of my new beau
stabbing me while I slept.

156
00:08:30,735 --> 00:08:31,791
(Laughter)

157
00:08:31,816 --> 00:08:34,779
But instead, I just
chalked it up to my mother.

158
00:08:36,023 --> 00:08:39,005
There is a rule in business that states:

159
00:08:39,645 --> 00:08:41,756
Whenever you are putting
something out there,

160
00:08:42,368 --> 00:08:43,815
10% of people will hate it,

161
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80% will be indifferent,

162
00:08:46,466 --> 00:08:49,425
and 10% will be your raving fans.

163
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And raving fans are awesome,

164
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but if somebody's not a raving fan,
let that be okay too.

165
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Three.

166
00:08:58,616 --> 00:09:02,000
Let go of trying
to be something you're not.

167
00:09:03,317 --> 00:09:08,085
Now, I have this crazy big personality
that I actually call "the Big."

168
00:09:09,339 --> 00:09:11,355
Some people really like the Big.

169
00:09:11,380 --> 00:09:12,474
(Laughter)

170
00:09:12,499 --> 00:09:15,137
Some people are fascinated by it,

171
00:09:15,384 --> 00:09:18,486
kind of the way they are
fascinated by jugglers.

172
00:09:18,511 --> 00:09:19,963
(Laughter)

173
00:09:22,411 --> 00:09:25,110
And others just run away.

174
00:09:25,911 --> 00:09:27,964
But it’s who I am.

175
00:09:28,373 --> 00:09:31,140
I have tried to turn down
the current on the Big,

176
00:09:31,431 --> 00:09:33,705
but hard as I try, there it is.

177
00:09:34,266 --> 00:09:37,567
There are some things
we just can't change about ourselves,

178
00:09:37,592 --> 00:09:39,062
and that's a good thing.

179
00:09:40,209 --> 00:09:41,219
Four.

180
00:09:42,080 --> 00:09:45,743
Let go of the need to be perfect.

181
00:09:47,413 --> 00:09:50,652
Many years ago, I wrote
a column for Shape Magazine,

182
00:09:50,677 --> 00:09:53,059
and I got a lot of mail from readers,

183
00:09:53,084 --> 00:09:56,355
including a very sad letter
from this teenage girl

184
00:09:56,380 --> 00:09:59,872
asking for my advice
on how to improve herself

185
00:09:59,897 --> 00:10:03,866
after her absolutely horrid boyfriend
had her strip down

186
00:10:03,891 --> 00:10:05,691
so he could critique her body.

187
00:10:06,347 --> 00:10:07,765
This is a true story.

188
00:10:08,284 --> 00:10:10,226
I said, ''Dump him immediately,

189
00:10:10,226 --> 00:10:14,048
and never let anybody
make you feel bad about yourself again."

190
00:10:14,710 --> 00:10:17,195
But we all know that feeling
the need for perfection

191
00:10:17,195 --> 00:10:19,191
is not just about our weight.

192
00:10:19,500 --> 00:10:22,881
It's also about keeping the house clean
and the dogs groomed

193
00:10:22,906 --> 00:10:25,281
and the kids healthy
and the bosses happy

194
00:10:25,591 --> 00:10:27,330
and all the balls in the air.

195
00:10:27,603 --> 00:10:30,492
It's even about keeping our youth intact.

196
00:10:31,608 --> 00:10:36,001
And yet, who wants to be friends
with someone who's perfect?

197
00:10:36,570 --> 00:10:38,055
Think about that.

198
00:10:39,258 --> 00:10:41,177
And lastly, five -

199
00:10:41,345 --> 00:10:43,433
my favorite!

200
00:10:44,672 --> 00:10:48,693
Let go of ''Not yet.''

201
00:10:49,972 --> 00:10:52,876
You know, when I left Chicago,
my life was pretty good,

202
00:10:52,901 --> 00:10:55,064
it just wasn't good enough.

203
00:10:55,639 --> 00:10:59,986
If there is something you want to do,
make a plan and act, but don't wait.

204
00:11:01,356 --> 00:11:04,821
I still grieve for Hector, you know,
it just comes in waves now.

205
00:11:05,731 --> 00:11:08,285
But it’s the phone call I can't make

206
00:11:08,285 --> 00:11:12,530
that reminds me to make every day count.

207
00:11:12,997 --> 00:11:15,248
And I encourage you all to do the same.

208
00:11:15,621 --> 00:11:18,740
Whatever that is, I say,
''Let go for it.''

209
00:11:19,383 --> 00:11:20,422
Thank you.

210
00:11:20,831 --> 00:11:23,036
(Applause)