The Power of Polarities - Shoshana Boyd Gelfand at TEDxJerusalem

Shoshana Boyd Gelfand is the Director of JHub, an operating programme of the London-based Pears Foundation. She received her rabbinic ordination in 1993 and has since served as Chief Executive of the UK Movement for Reform Judaism and Vice President of the Wexner Heritage Foundation in New York. She writes a monthly column for the Jewish Chronicle, and also appears regularly on BBC Radio Two Pause for Thought. Her first children's book, The Barefoot Book of Jewish Folk Tales, will be published in 2013.

What if I told you

that there exsists, a single concept

that's completely changed

the way I think about solving problems?

What if I told you

that you instinctively

know this concept, and in fact

you're using it, right here, right now

without even thinking about it.

What if I told you

that if you could hone your natural ability
to use this concept,

it could change your life,

or even the world.

And what if I told you

that this wouldn't involve

joining a cult, taking illegal drugs
or converting to a new religion?

The concept is called:

"Polarity Management".

I learned it twenty years ago
when I was a Rabbi in Chicago.

And since then, I've lost count

of the number of times

I've scribbled a crash course
on the back of a napkin.

Applying it to problems

as diverse as organizational change issues,

theological dilemmas,

and even raising my own children.

I also know that it works with larger,
global issues

because the person who developed this tool,

and taught it to me --
Dr. Berry Johnson --

has used it with the US Department of Defense,

the International Atomic Energy Agency,

and even the BBC.

Although I agree they could use
a refresh course at the moment.

So let me invite you,

to come on a journey with me,
into the world of polarities.

Now, the best gateway,
is this very famous sketch.

Have a look and tell me --
how many of you

initially saw the two white faces
looking at each other?

Wow, a lot.

How many of you, initially, immediately,
saw the black goblet in the middle?

All right, a few...

Well, whenever I show this sketch some people
see one and some see the other

but no one ever sees both simultaneously

because the human brain isn't designed to be able
to see those two images at the same time.

All we can do is flow, back and forth
to see both perspectives

and acknowledge that this is both,
two faces and a goblet.

That insight is at the very heart of polarities,

and I ask that you hold on to it,
and keep it with you as we continue

because put simply, a polarity is an
ongoing problem with two correct answers

that are interdependent.

The polarities aren't just some cute optical illusion,
they're a natural force

like magnetism or gravity,

the part of the very fabric of the universe

and because they are part of nature,
there are rules that govern their behavior.

Once you know these rules, you can predict
what's going to happen next with the polarity

and then you can proactively decide
what you want to do about it.

So lets see how this works, with a very simple polarity
that you do all the time:

breathing consists of two interdependent actions

inhale and exhale.
It's like the goblet sketch.

You can't do both at the same time,
but both are vital and necessary.

But what would happen
if we go through this slowly?

We choose one pole and
it feels good for a few seconds

and then starts to feel uncomfortable

which forces us to shift to the opposite pole

which also feels good for a few seconds,
and then becomes uncomfortable,

which forces us to shift back once again

This ongoing motion happens because

breathing is an ongoing problem with
two correct answers that are interdependent.

The only choice we have with a polarity is
whether we're going to manage that flow

back and forth in a way
that's positive and life-enhancing

or whether we're going to flow
back and forth in a way

that's negative and uncomfortable.

Now this may seem simple, and obvious

because we're all fairly good at
managing the breathing polarity

we've been doing it for a long time.

But, the same concept and principles
that apply to breathing

we can apply to any other polarity.

So let's look at another familiar one:

think of a relationship in your life,

an important relationship.

I'd be willing to bet, that if
this relationship is going well,

it's because your constantly managing
the flow between meeting your own needs

and meeting your partner's needs.

In a good relationship both
people look after themselves

and they look after each other,

creating a wonderfully, virtuous cycle.

But when relationships go bad,
it's often because

someone is either over-focused
on themself

at the expense of their partner

and they're left feeling selfish,
isolated and lonely

or they've over-focused
on their partner's needs

at the expense of their own,
and they're feeling unappreciated and resentful.

Or, even worse, they're feeling resentful
because they're feeling lonely

which makes them feel more resentful,
which makes them feel more lonely

and the relationship deteriorates
and ultimately fails.

I think the great sage Hillel, expressed this
polarity perfectly 2000 years ago

when he said: "if I'm not for myself,
who will be for me...

...but if I'm only for myself, what am I?"

He would've been a great marriage counselor,

or even a good polarity coach.

Now, polarities don't just work with things like
breathing or one-to-one relationships,

they also play out in larger institutional structures

particularly around issues like
organizational change,

because there's always one group that
wants things to stay the same

and another group that wants things to change.

Its a tradition change polarity.

And I remember the first time
I hit up against it full force

it was 1987, and I had just begun
my studies to become a Rabbi.

The debate had been raging for years whether
or not to ordain women as Rabbis.

Some said, that Judaism
needed to be responsive

to the modern world, where
men and women are equal

and if it didn't it risked becoming
outdated and irrelevant.

But there was another camp, that worried

that a female Rabbi
was a contradiction in terms

an inauthentic expression of a tradition
that was thousands of years old.

This group argued that continuity
with the past was important

and that ordaining woman would
endanger Judaism's authenticity.

Which group was right?

Well, you can see as well as me,
that it was just like the goblet sketch

one group saw the pink boxes and
one group saw the blue.

Both groups saw one aspect of
a complex problem.

Both groups had a valid fear
that concerned them,

and a sincere value
that they were holding onto.

Each group had difficulty shifting view point,
to see the perspective of the other

but that's what was needed if my community
was going to thrive.

We would need to both pursue continuity

and be responsive to change.

Well in the end, a vote was taken

a decision was made,
and here I stand

a female Rabbi.

On the surface, it may look like change won,

but with the polarity, if either side

wins conclusively, the community looses,

because it ends up in the
downside of the pole that won.

Because I understand polarities,

I've spent my entire rabbinic career consciously,

embracing continuity with
whatever part of tradition I can

so is not to fall into the downside of change.

I may not have been successful in
growing that traditional rabbinic beard

but, I am deeply committed

both to maintaining an authentic
continuation with the past

and being responsive to the present.

Because that's the only way
my community will thrive

in the future.

The same rules that apply to breathing,
to relationships and to organizational change

apply to any of these polarities,
and many more.

But there's one more that
I want to look with you today:

because its so relevant to Jerusalem

and also, because I believe if we could
just manage this one better,

it could change the world.

Here's the problem:

How can I maintain my identity as part of
a particular group, with a particular set

of believes, values and behaviors,

while also acknowledging my
shared humanity with all people?

Each of us, belongs to particular groups,

national, cultural, religious, ethnic.

That's the particular part of who we are

and each of us is also part of
something so much bigger

than any one group can express on its own.

That's the universal part of who we are.

Over-focusing on either one of these

is dangerous.
Let me explain:

I grew up in the deep south
of the United States,

in a town where in many ways,
they were still fighting the civil war.

I'll never forget being cornered on
the playground by a group of children

who threatened to beat me up if
they ever saw me hugging my black nanny again.

These children had been taught
that their particular group

whites, were better that everyone else.

And that kind of particularism is dangerous.

But so is the downside of the universal pole,

if we over-focus on our commonalities

we loose our distinctiveness, and
we paper over that which makes

each group unique and special.

It's one of the dangers of
globalization or communism.

They assume that we are all the same,

but we're not.

I for one, don't want to see
a city like Jerusalem

loose those unique aspects
which makes it so special.

I don't want to see McDonald's
built next to the Temple Mount.

Instead, I want to walk through
the streets of Jerusalem

and listen to the distinctive voices of
each particular community that lives here.

Don't get me wrong, I love being part of
a diverse global world,

but I also cherish that which makes me, me.

And by now, you know enough about
polarities to realize we have to do both.

We have to be passionate about those things
which make us unique and distinctive.

And also be open to diversity and to
the universal values that we share.

I like to call this:
"Passionate Openness"

and I can't think about a better place
to work on this polarity than Jerusalem

because so many diverse groups live together here.

Just imagine, if we, here in Jerusalem

could demonstrate to the world what it looks like

to be passionate about our unique identities,

and also, be open to something that none of us,
can possibly achieve on our own.

Now, that's a messianic vision for you.

And like I promised at the beginning

no cults, no drugs,
no conversions necessarily.

Just the recognition
that sometimes complexity

requires us to seek out and
embrace both sides of a problem

instead of trying to solve it.

So next time you're faced with
an intractable problem,

take a deep breath, and remember:

just because inhale is true,
doesn't mean that exhale isn't also true.

Thank you.

(Applause)