The Essence of Friendship Is Equality

#friendship #intimidation #relationships #conversations #equality

Question: When I'm with my friends, and they don't show much reaction to what I say, I feel down. I try hard to get along with others, but the more I try, the more timid and withdrawn I get. Now, I prefer spending time alone at home. The more I try to talk with people, the more intimidated and uncomfortable I feel. I don't know how to fix this or how to shift my perspective.

<The Essence of Friendship Is Equality>

(Questioner) I want to thank you
for your helpful Dharma talks.

(Sunim) Sure.

(Questioner) My question is, when I'm with
my friends and talk with them,

there is a lack of reaction,
which brings the mood down.

Then, the conversation gets boring.

I try hard to get along with others,
but the more I try,

the more timid
and withdrawn I get.

Now, instead of going out
to meet people,

I prefer spending time
alone at home.

The more I try to talk with people,
the more intimidated and uncomfortable I feel.

I don't know how to fix this,
or how to shift my perspective.

That's my concern.

(Sunim) Why do you
feel intimidated?

(Questioner) It's just...

When they seem unimpressed by what I say,
I feel like they don't care about me.

I think, "Why bother talking to them?"
And I feel deflated and insignificant.

(Sunim) So, you feel discouraged
depending other's reactions?

(Questioner) Yes.

(Sunim) But they don't have
any obligation to respond.

(Questioner) That's true,
but when I have an expectation

but don't get the expected
reaction, then I feel...

(Sunim) Isn't that normal?
(Questioner) Yes, I agree.

(Sunim) If you think it's normal that they don't react
the way you want, you shouldn't feel discouraged.

It seems you expect them to react
the way you want when you speak.

You feel discouraged
when that expectation isn't met.

Whether to react or not,
is their choice.

If you don't expect anything,
there's no need to feel discouraged.

Speak your piece
and be done.

They have no obligation
to show any reaction.

If you have to force enthusiasm
from your friends,

they are not true friends.

That is not a good way
to build friendships.

(Questioner) When I am with my friends,
talking and spending time together,

I keep finding myself separated
from the rest of the group.

(Sunim) What do you mean?

I have a friend who hardly talks.

Whenever we're together,
he stays quiet but smiles.

He just replies here
and there with a smile.

He gets along with
everyone very well.

You either want to be
a leader in control,

or desire to be the most popular
person in the group.

That is not friendship.

True friends have fun, listen, laugh,
and sympathize with one another.

Why does friendship need so much talking?
Why do you want to talk so much?

Why do you feel the need to
take the lead among friends?

(Questioner) It's not so much that,
but, how can I say this...

be the life of the party?

(Sunim) Why should you be
the center of attention?

(Audience Laughter)
(Questioner) You have a point.

(Sunim) Being the life of the party is
no different than wanting more control.

The only difference is
you are mixing in some English.

(Audience Laughter) I can tell
even though I don't know English.

You have to let go of that kind of
desire among friends.

Do you need to prepare what to say
before you meet your friends?

No, you don't.
If you have nothing to say, stay quiet.

You can just listen and smile
or talk if you have something to say.

If one person mainly
leads the friendship,

or is predominantly popular,
the friendship doesn't last.

Friendship is about equality.
That's how friends should be.

If you don't drink, does that make you
less of a drinking buddy? No, it doesn't.

Friends will love you even if you don't drink,
as long as you're buying, right?

(Audience Laughter)
You get that, right?

You can accompany your friends
when they go out to drink at any time.

If you buy, nobody will complain
even if you don't drink.

It is wrong to think that you can't be
friends because you don't drink.

It's just like being friends
with a smoker.

Smoking is now subject to disapproval
but in the past, there were more smokers.

You could carry a pack of cigarettes
to offer and light up for your friends

without smoking yourself.

The questioner has
the wrong mindset.

Friendship should be
based on equality.

The essence of friendship
is equality.

Whether you're a congressman
or holding a high position,

flaunting wealth or status to
friends is frowned upon

because friendship
is rooted in equality.

So, if you can let go of such notions,
your problem will be resolved.

You don't need to talk, but you shouldn't
sulk alone in a corner all day.

If you don't feel like talking,
you can stay quiet,

but you still need to make eye contact
and listen to others, nodding your head.

If you want to say something
or are asked to speak, you can do that.

What's so difficult
about that?

(Questioner) You're right.
Thank you.

(Sunim) Sure.
(Audience Applause)

I am hope.