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<The Essence of Friendship Is Equality>

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(Questioner) I want to thank you[br]for your helpful Dharma talks.

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(Sunim) Sure.

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(Questioner) My question is, when I'm with[br]my friends and talk with them,

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there is a lack of reaction,[br]which brings the mood down.

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Then, the conversation gets boring.

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I try hard to get along with others, [br]but the more I try,

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the more timid [br]and withdrawn I get.

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Now, instead of going out [br]to meet people,

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I prefer spending time[br]alone at home.

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The more I try to talk with people,[br]the more intimidated and uncomfortable I feel.

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I don't know how to fix this,[br]or how to shift my perspective.

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That's my concern.

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(Sunim) Why do you[br]feel intimidated?

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(Questioner) It's just...

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When they seem unimpressed by what I say,[br]I feel like they don't care about me.

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I think, "Why bother talking to them?" [br]And I feel deflated and insignificant.

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(Sunim) So, you feel discouraged[br]depending other's reactions?

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(Questioner) Yes.

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(Sunim) But they don't have[br]any obligation to respond.

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(Questioner) That's true, [br]but when I have an expectation

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but don't get the expected [br]reaction, then I feel...

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(Sunim) Isn't that normal?[br](Questioner) Yes, I agree.

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(Sunim) If you think it's normal that they don't react [br]the way you want, you shouldn't feel discouraged.

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It seems you expect them to react [br]the way you want when you speak.

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You feel discouraged [br]when that expectation isn't met.

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Whether to react or not,[br]is their choice.

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If you don't expect anything,[br]there's no need to feel discouraged.

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Speak your piece[br]and be done.

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They have no obligation[br]to show any reaction.

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If you have to force enthusiasm[br]from your friends,

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they are not true friends.

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That is not a good way[br]to build friendships.

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(Questioner) When I am with my friends,[br]talking and spending time together,

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I keep finding myself separated[br]from the rest of the group.

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(Sunim) What do you mean?

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I have a friend who hardly talks.

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Whenever we're together,[br]he stays quiet but smiles.

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He just replies here [br]and there with a smile.

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He gets along with [br]everyone very well.

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You either want to be[br]a leader in control,

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or desire to be the most popular[br]person in the group.

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That is not friendship.

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True friends have fun, listen, laugh, [br]and sympathize with one another.

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Why does friendship need so much talking?[br]Why do you want to talk so much?

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Why do you feel the need to [br]take the lead among friends?

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(Questioner) It's not so much that, [br]but, how can I say this...

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be the life of the party?

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(Sunim) Why should you be [br]the center of attention?

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(Audience Laughter)[br](Questioner) You have a point.

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(Sunim) Being the life of the party is[br]no different than wanting more control.

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The only difference is [br]you are mixing in some English.

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(Audience Laughter) I can tell [br]even though I don't know English.

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You have to let go of that kind of [br]desire among friends.

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Do you need to prepare what to say[br]before you meet your friends?

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No, you don't. [br]If you have nothing to say, stay quiet.

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You can just listen and smile[br]or talk if you have something to say.

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If one person mainly[br]leads the friendship,

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or is predominantly popular, [br]the friendship doesn't last.

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Friendship is about equality. [br]That's how friends should be.

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If you don't drink, does that make you [br]less of a drinking buddy? No, it doesn't.

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Friends will love you even if you don't drink, [br]as long as you're buying, right?

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(Audience Laughter)[br]You get that, right?

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You can accompany your friends[br]when they go out to drink at any time.

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If you buy, nobody will complain[br]even if you don't drink.

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It is wrong to think that you can't be[br]friends because you don't drink.

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It's just like being friends [br]with a smoker.

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Smoking is now subject to disapproval[br]but in the past, there were more smokers.

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You could carry a pack of cigarettes [br]to offer and light up for your friends

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without smoking yourself.

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The questioner has[br]the wrong mindset.

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Friendship should be [br]based on equality.

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The essence of friendship[br]is equality.

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Whether you're a congressman[br]or holding a high position,

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flaunting wealth or status to [br]friends is frowned upon

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because friendship [br]is rooted in equality.

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So, if you can let go of such notions,[br]your problem will be resolved.

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You don't need to talk, but you shouldn't [br]sulk alone in a corner all day.

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If you don't feel like talking, [br]you can stay quiet,

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but you still need to make eye contact[br]and listen to others, nodding your head.

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If you want to say something [br]or are asked to speak, you can do that.

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What's so difficult [br]about that?

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(Questioner) You're right. [br]Thank you.

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(Sunim) Sure.[br](Audience Applause)

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I am hope.