WEBVTT 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:15.160 <The Essence of Friendship Is Equality> 00:00:15.160 --> 00:00:18.923 (Questioner) I want to thank you for your helpful Dharma talks. 00:00:18.923 --> 00:00:20.726 (Sunim) Sure. 00:00:20.726 --> 00:00:25.337 (Questioner) My question is, when I'm with my friends and talk with them, 00:00:25.337 --> 00:00:28.871 there is a lack of reaction, which brings the mood down. 00:00:28.871 --> 00:00:31.741 Then, the conversation gets boring. 00:00:31.741 --> 00:00:35.092 I try hard to get along with others, but the more I try, 00:00:35.092 --> 00:00:37.785 the more timid and withdrawn I get. 00:00:37.785 --> 00:00:40.965 Now, instead of going out to meet people, 00:00:40.965 --> 00:00:44.671 I prefer spending time alone at home. 00:00:44.671 --> 00:00:49.140 The more I try to talk with people, the more intimidated and uncomfortable I feel. 00:00:49.140 --> 00:00:52.934 I don't know how to fix this, or how to shift my perspective. 00:00:52.934 --> 00:00:54.961 That's my concern. 00:00:54.961 --> 00:00:58.891 (Sunim) Why do you feel intimidated? 00:00:58.891 --> 00:01:02.647 (Questioner) It's just... 00:01:02.647 --> 00:01:10.077 When they seem unimpressed by what I say, I feel like they don't care about me. NOTE Paragraph 00:01:10.077 --> 00:01:16.468 I think, "Why bother talking to them?" And I feel deflated and insignificant. 00:01:16.468 --> 00:01:20.118 (Sunim) So, you feel discouraged depending other's reactions? 00:01:20.118 --> 00:01:21.492 (Questioner) Yes. 00:01:21.492 --> 00:01:24.853 (Sunim) But they don't have any obligation to respond. 00:01:24.853 --> 00:01:27.827 (Questioner) That's true, but when I have an expectation 00:01:27.827 --> 00:01:30.830 but don't get the expected reaction, then I feel... 00:01:30.830 --> 00:01:33.518 (Sunim) Isn't that normal? (Questioner) Yes, I agree. 00:01:33.518 --> 00:01:39.211 (Sunim) If you think it's normal that they don't react the way you want, you shouldn't feel discouraged. 00:01:39.211 --> 00:01:43.688 It seems you expect them to react the way you want when you speak. 00:01:43.688 --> 00:01:47.804 You feel discouraged when that expectation isn't met. 00:01:47.804 --> 00:01:51.278 Whether to react or not, is their choice. 00:01:51.278 --> 00:01:54.808 If you don't expect anything, there's no need to feel discouraged. 00:01:54.808 --> 00:01:57.530 Speak your piece and be done. 00:01:57.530 --> 00:02:00.787 They have no obligation to show any reaction. 00:02:00.787 --> 00:02:04.622 If you have to force enthusiasm from your friends, 00:02:04.622 --> 00:02:07.579 they are not true friends. 00:02:07.579 --> 00:02:10.618 That is not a good way to build friendships. 00:02:10.618 --> 00:02:14.287 (Questioner) When I am with my friends, talking and spending time together, 00:02:14.287 --> 00:02:17.201 I keep finding myself separated from the rest of the group. 00:02:17.201 --> 00:02:19.602 (Sunim) What do you mean? 00:02:19.602 --> 00:02:23.000 I have a friend who hardly talks. 00:02:23.000 --> 00:02:26.816 Whenever we're together, he stays quiet but smiles. 00:02:26.816 --> 00:02:31.064 He just replies here and there with a smile. 00:02:31.064 --> 00:02:34.753 He gets along with everyone very well. 00:02:34.753 --> 00:02:38.663 You either want to be a leader in control, 00:02:38.663 --> 00:02:41.980 or desire to be the most popular person in the group. 00:02:41.980 --> 00:02:45.059 That is not friendship. 00:02:45.059 --> 00:02:50.510 True friends have fun, listen, laugh, and sympathize with one another. 00:02:50.510 --> 00:02:57.387 Why does friendship need so much talking? Why do you want to talk so much? 00:02:57.387 --> 00:03:06.390 Why do you feel the need to take the lead among friends? 00:03:06.390 --> 00:03:10.427 (Questioner) It's not so much that, but, how can I say this... 00:03:10.427 --> 00:03:13.439 be the life of the party? 00:03:13.439 --> 00:03:16.418 (Sunim) Why should you be the center of attention? 00:03:16.418 --> 00:03:19.042 (Audience Laughter) (Questioner) You have a point. 00:03:19.042 --> 00:03:23.466 (Sunim) Being the life of the party is no different than wanting more control. 00:03:23.466 --> 00:03:26.574 The only difference is you are mixing in some English. 00:03:26.574 --> 00:03:30.579 (Audience Laughter) I can tell even though I don't know English. 00:03:30.579 --> 00:03:35.007 You have to let go of that kind of desire among friends. 00:03:35.007 --> 00:03:42.674 Do you need to prepare what to say before you meet your friends? 00:03:42.674 --> 00:03:46.407 No, you don't. If you have nothing to say, stay quiet. 00:03:46.407 --> 00:03:52.362 You can just listen and smile or talk if you have something to say. 00:03:52.362 --> 00:03:55.617 If one person mainly leads the friendship, 00:03:55.617 --> 00:03:59.600 or is predominantly popular, the friendship doesn't last. 00:03:59.600 --> 00:04:03.430 Friendship is about equality. That's how friends should be. 00:04:03.430 --> 00:04:07.533 If you don't drink, does that make you less of a drinking buddy? No, it doesn't. 00:04:07.533 --> 00:04:12.271 Friends will love you even if you don't drink, as long as you're buying, right? 00:04:12.271 --> 00:04:14.872 (Audience Laughter) You get that, right? 00:04:14.872 --> 00:04:18.217 You can accompany your friends when they go out to drink at any time. 00:04:18.217 --> 00:04:22.301 If you buy, nobody will complain even if you don't drink. 00:04:22.301 --> 00:04:27.761 It is wrong to think that you can't be friends because you don't drink. 00:04:27.761 --> 00:04:31.530 It's just like being friends with a smoker. 00:04:31.530 --> 00:04:35.952 Smoking is now subject to disapproval but in the past, there were more smokers. 00:04:35.952 --> 00:04:39.858 You could carry a pack of cigarettes to offer and light up for your friends 00:04:39.858 --> 00:04:41.678 without smoking yourself. 00:04:41.678 --> 00:04:44.470 The questioner has the wrong mindset. 00:04:44.470 --> 00:04:47.410 Friendship should be based on equality. 00:04:47.410 --> 00:04:50.781 The essence of friendship is equality. 00:04:50.781 --> 00:04:54.875 Whether you're a congressman or holding a high position, 00:04:54.875 --> 00:05:01.041 flaunting wealth or status to friends is frowned upon 00:05:01.041 --> 00:05:05.620 because friendship is rooted in equality. 00:05:05.620 --> 00:05:09.755 So, if you can let go of such notions, your problem will be resolved. 00:05:09.755 --> 00:05:13.963 You don't need to talk, but you shouldn't sulk alone in a corner all day. 00:05:13.963 --> 00:05:16.806 If you don't feel like talking, you can stay quiet, 00:05:16.806 --> 00:05:21.086 but you still need to make eye contact and listen to others, nodding your head. 00:05:21.086 --> 00:05:25.034 If you want to say something or are asked to speak, you can do that. 00:05:25.034 --> 00:05:27.655 What's so difficult about that? 00:05:27.655 --> 00:05:30.037 (Questioner) You're right. Thank you. 00:05:30.037 --> 00:05:33.235 (Sunim) Sure. (Audience Applause) 00:05:36.505 --> 00:05:43.684 I am hope.