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Last year, I got a chance to watch
the new "Star Wars" movie,
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which was fantastic,
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but one thing kept bugging me.
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I don't know if you noticed this or not.
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In this entirely technically
advanced world,
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I did not see a single AED anywhere,
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which was totally shocking --
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almost as shocking
as not knowing what an AED is,
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which you guys do know.
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But for those at home,
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an AED is an automated
external defibrillator.
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It's the device you use
when your heart goes into cardiac arrest
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to shock it back into a normal rhythm,
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or, as one of the guys I was teaching
a class to referred to it as:
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"The shocky-hearty-box thing."
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(Laughter)
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But I really can't blame the Empire,
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since health and safety regulations
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aren't really their first
order of business.
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Though, even if we --
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I think worse than not having an AED
would be if there was one there,
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but just, no one knew where to find it.
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These devices can drastically increase
your chance of survival --
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almost like a tauntaun on Hoth.
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(Laughter)
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But I'm pretty sure
that stormtrooper is going to be toast,
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regardless if we have an AED or not,
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since what happens is the chest plate
is going to be quite hard to get off,
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and like that tauntaun,
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the AED has a very short window of time
at which it's highly effective.
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In this case -- basically, we've got
to use it within the first 10 minutes.
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The Jedi, on the other hand,
have no problems with their outfits.
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Those robes open straight up,
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you can place the pads
right onto the chest --
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so upper-right-hand side of the chest,
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lower left,
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wait for the unit to determine
if it's a shockable rhythm
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and get ready to shock.
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But, the Jedi do have a problem.
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They have a head appendage issue.
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And so I can be totally clear,
thinking I'm ready to go,
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but I'm accidentally touching a tentacle,
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and inadvertently shocking myself.
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(Laughter)
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So before you hit that button,
make sure you are clear
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and everyone else is clear.
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Going back to that stormtrooper:
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if I did get that chest plate off in time,
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what would you do if you suddenly found
there was a Wookiee under there,
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or possibly two Ewoks?
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(Laughter)
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Well, lucky for us,
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in the kit there's actually a razor,
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and we can use that to shave the chest
on the upper-right-hand side
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and the lower left.
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Wookiees also have another problem.
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They have an accessory issue.
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What we want to do is remove these --
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anything between the two pads
we want to remove,
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since it can cause
something called "ARCing."
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For those who don't know what ARCing is,
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do you remember the Emperor,
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when he shoots electricity
out the ends of his fingers --
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(Laughter)
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That would be kind of like ARCing.
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Another thing that --
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Oh! By the way, he creates that
by wearing wool socks under his robes.
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(Laughter)
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We can also get ARCing if we have
an extremely wet chest.
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The electricity travels across the surface
instead of through the heart.
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We can correct this with the immortal
words of Douglas Adams:
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"Don't panic," which most of us
have done today --
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and also always having a towel.
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So, good words to go by.
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The metal bikini -- unfortunately,
this is where panic sets in --
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like the modern bra,
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we have to make sure we remove,
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because this can cause
severe ARCing along with burns.
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But unfortunately this opens up an issue
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that's almost as controversial
as talking about the prequels.
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(Laughter)
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The mere mention of the word "nipples,"
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and people get into a little
bit of a tizzy.
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By the way, that is not a nipple,
that's a cupcake.
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(Laughter)
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Chances are, if you do have to use this,
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this is going to be on someone you know.
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And remember, everyone has nipples,
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except for Jabba.
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(Laughter)
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But he does love cupcakes.
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Speaking about Jabba,
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if we do have to use an AED on him,
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remember pad placement is the same,
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even though he doesn't have nipples.
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So it's going to be
upper-right-hand side, lower left.
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If we were going through, we're shocking,
getting ready to go --
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after we've done the shock,
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one of the things we need to do
is remember to do compression.
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The preferred method
is 30 compressions and two breaths
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in the center of the chest,
between the nipples,
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pressing down at least two inches,
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no more than two and a half,
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at a rate of at least 100 beats a minute,
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no more than 120.
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Unfortunately, due to the size
of Jabba's mouth
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and also what he puts in said mouth,
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we may not want to actually
do the mouth-to-mouth part.
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So instead, we can do
compression-only CPR.
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The way of remembering
the compression-only part
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is we can actually use the Imperial March.
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I would sing it for you --
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(Laughter)
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Unfortunately, that would be more
something an interrogation droid would do.
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Yoda.
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Small little guy, like a baby.
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What we do is basically
treat him like a baby,
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in the sense that we're going to place
one pad in the center of the chest
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and one in the back.
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If we place them both in the front,
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they can be too close
and cause severe ARCing,
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so we want to avoid that.
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Hopefully, this helped to clarify
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and put some light
on some of the darker issues
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of using an AED in the Star Wars universe,
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or any universe in total.
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I'll leave you with one point.
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Remember, if you do find yourself
dealing with a Wookiee,
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do not shave the entire Wookiee.
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This takes way too much time,
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and it only pisses them off.
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(Laughter)
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Thank you very much.
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(Applause)