The power of listening | William Ury | TEDxSanDiego

This talk was given at a local TEDx event, produced independently of the TED Conferences.
William Ury explains how listening is the essential, and often overlooked, half of communication. His stories of candid conversations with presidents and business leaders provide us with impactful lessons, such as understanding the power of a human mind opening up. He asks us to join a listening revolution, and promises that if we all just listen a little bit more, we can transform any relationship.

William Ury, cofounder of Harvard’s Program on Negotiation, is one of the world’s best-known and most influential experts on negotiation. He is the coauthor of Getting to Yes, the bestselling negotiation book in the world, and has taught negotiation to tens of thousands of people, has consulted for dozens of Fortune 500 companies, and has served as a consultant to the White House. An internationally sought-after speaker, he is also the author of seven other books, including two New York Times bestsellers, Getting Past No and The Power of a Positive No.

There's an ancient and well-known
philosophical riddle that asks:

"If a tree falls in the forest
and no one is around to hear it,

does it still make a sound?"

A scientific view is that,
while a tree will make waves in the air,

to make a sound,
it takes an ear to hear it.

My question is,

if a person speaks and offers
a TED Talk, for example,

and no one listens,
is that really communication?

I believe that listening is
the missing half of communication.

It is absolutely necessary
but often overlooked.

We live in an age we call
the Age of Communication.

Certainly, with cell phones,
texts, tweets, and emails,

there is a lot of talking going on.

But how much listening can there really be

with so much interruption and distraction?

My passion for the last 30 years
has been helping people get to "yes"

in very tough negotiations.

From family feuds to boardroom battles,
from labor strikes to civil wars.

I hear a lot of talking, but I don't hear
a lot of real listening.

We think of negotiation
as being about talking.

In fact, it's really about listening.

If you study the behavior
of successful negotiators,

you find that they listen
far more than they talk.

After all, we're given two ears
and one mouth for a reason.

We should listen at least
twice as much as we speak.

Why listen? Why is it so important?
Let me tell you a story.

Some years ago, I was in the country
of Venezuela serving as a third party

between the government
and the political opposition

at a time of intense conflict,
with a lot of people fearing a civil war.

My colleague, Francisco Diaz and I
had an appointment

with the President, Hugo Chavez,
at 9:00 PM at the Presidential Palace.

Finally, at midnight,

we were ushered in
to see the President

who had his entire cabinet
arrayed behind him.

He asked me: "So, Ury, what do you think
of the situation going on here?"

I said: "Mr. President, I've been talking
to your ministers here, to the opposition.

I think you're making some progress."

"Progress? What do you mean
progress?" he shouted.

"You're blind.

You're not seeing all the dirty tricks
those traitors are up to."

He leaned in very close to my face
and proceeded to shout.

What was I going to do?

Part of me felt like
defending myself, naturally.

But what good would it do for me

to get into an argument
with the President of Venezuela?

(Laughter)

How would that advance peace?
So I just listened.

I gave him my full attention.
I listened to where he was coming from.

President Chavez was famous
for making eight hour speeches.

After 30 minutes of me
just nodding and listening,

I saw his shoulders slowly sag.

He said to me in a very weary tone
of voice: "So, Ury, what should I do?"

That's the sound of a human
mind opening to listen.

I said: "Mr. President,
it's almost Christmas.

The country needs a break.

Last year, all the festivities
were canceled because of the conflict.

Why not propose a truce this time

so that people can enjoy
the holidays with their families?

After that, maybe everybody
will be in a better mood to listen."

He said: "That's a great idea. I'm going
to announce that in my next speech."

His mood has completely shifted.

How? Through the simple
power of listening.

Because I listened to him,
he was more ready to listen to me.

There are at least three important reasons

why it's important to listen
in any negotiation or conflict.

The first is that it helps us
understand the other side.

Negotiation, after all,
is an exercise in influence.

You're trying to change
someone else's mind.

How can you possibly change
someone else's mind

if you don't know where their mind is?

Listening is key.

The second reason is just as important.

It helps us connect with
the other human being.

It helps us build rapport.
It builds trust. It shows we care.

After all, everybody wants to be heard.

The third reason is,
as with President Chavez,

it makes it more likely that the other
person will listen to us.

It helps get to "yes."

In short, listening may be
the cheapest concession

we can make in a negotiation.

It costs us nothing,
and it brings huge benefits.

Listening may be the golden key
that opens the door to human relationship.

How do we listen?

It turns out that we often
take listening for granted

as something easy and natural.

But in fact, at least in my experience,
real genuine listening is something

that needs to be learned
and practiced every day.

In ordinary listening,
we're hearing the words.

We're often thinking, "Where do I agree?
Where do I disagree?

What am I going to say in response?"
In other words, the focus is on us.

In genuine listening, however,
the spotlight moves to the other person.

We put ourselves in their shoes.
We tune into their wavelength.

We listen from within their frame
of reference, not just ours.

That's not easy.

In genuine listening, we listen
not just for what's being said,

but for what's not being said.

We listen not just to the words,
but to what's behind the words.

We listen for the underlying
emotions, feelings, and needs.

We listen for what that person
really needs or wants.

Let me give you an example.

About a year and a half ago, I was
invited to help a Brazilian entrepreneur

by the name of Abilio Diniz.

He was trapped in a titanic legal dispute

with his French business partner over
the control of Brazil's largest retailer.

The Financial Times called it perhaps

the biggest cross-continental boardroom
showdown in recent history.

It had gone on for two and a half years.

It was immensely costly and stressful,

not only to both parties
but to their families

and the 150,000 employees
of the company.

When I sat down with Abilio
in his home, I listened to his story.

After that, I had a question.

I said: "Abilio, help me understand here.
What do you really want?"

He said: "Well, I want
the stock at a certain price.

I want the company headquarters.

I want the elimination
of the non-compete clause."

He gave me a list. As I listened, I heard
something deeper there that was unspoken.

I asked him: "Abilio, you're a man
who seems to have everything.

What are these things
really going to give you?

What do you most want in your life?"

He paused for a moment
and thought about it.

Finally, he said: "Freedom.
I want my freedom.

I want to be free to pursue
my business dreams.

I want to be free to spend time
with my family." That was it.

I was hearing the human being
behind the words

not just the champion businessman.

Once we were clear about his deepest need,

then the negotiation itself,
while challenging, became a lot easier.

In four short days, my colleagues and I,

by listening to the other side,

were able to take this titanic dispute

and resolve it with a settlement
that left both sides highly satisfied.

As Abilio being a friend
in the process later told me,

"I got everything I wanted.
But most importantly, I got my life back."

How did that happen?
Through the simple power of listening.

If listening is so useful,
why isn't everyone doing it?

To tell you the truth, it's not so easy.

If I reflect on my own experience
for a moment,

there are times when I feel like
I'm listening pretty well in my work,

only to go home and find out
I'm not listening so well to my wife.

It's humbling. I can tell you.

The real problem in the way,
what makes it so hard to listen

is that there is so much
going on in our minds.

There is so much noise and distraction

that we don't have the mental
and emotional space

to be able to truly listen
to the other side.

How do we clear our minds?

It may seem odd, but the secret is,

if we want to listen to the other side,

we have to learn
to listen to ourselves first.

When I was sitting there
with President Chavez,

what really helped me
was that, just beforehand,

I had taken a few moments of quiet

to pay attention to
what was going on for me.

I listened to myself to quiet my mind.

When he began shouting, I was ready.

I could notice that my cheeks
were reddening,

and my jaw was a little clenched.

I felt some fear and anxiety.

By paying attention
to those sensations and emotions,

I was able to let them go,

so that I could truly listen
to President Chavez.

What if, before an important,
delicate or sensitive conversation,

we took a moment of silence just
to tune in and listen to where we are?

I believe that if we did that,
if we truly listened to ourselves first,

we would find it a lot easier
to listen to others.

The final question is,
if we listened more,

what difference would
it make in the world?

I believe it would make a huge difference.

In the course of my mediation work,

I personally witnessed
the enormous cost of conflict,

the broken relationships, families,
the stressed out work places,

the ruinous law suits,
and the senseless wars.

What always strikes me is
the biggest opportunity we have actually,

is to prevent these conflicts
even before they start.

How do we do that?

It's not easy, but it almost always
starts with one simple step.

Listening. This is my dream.

A listening revolution that can turn

this Age of Communication
into an Age of Listening.

In other words, an age
of true communication.

Imagine for a moment a world

in which every child learns
to listen at an early age.

What if we taught listening in school,

like we teach reading, as a core skill?

After all, listening
is how you read people.

Imagine a world in which parents
learn to listen to their children.

What better way after all, is there for us
to teach our children to listen to us

than for us to listen to them?

What better way for us to show
our children that they truly matter?

What better way is there to show our love?

As an extra bonus,

maybe we'd see happier marriages
and fewer divorces,

as couples learned
to listen to each other.

Imagine a world in which leaders
learned how to listen to their people.

What if we chose leaders based
on their ability to listen, not just talk?

What if listening became
the norm in our organizations

and not just the exception?

What if on radio and TV

we had not just talk shows,
but listen shows?

(Laughter)

What if we had not just
peace talks, but peace listens?

I firmly believe that we'd get
to 'yes' a lot more often.

We might not eliminate all conflict,

but we would avert
a lot of fights and wars.

Everybody would be much better off.

I, very happily, might be out of a job.

That's my dream.

While it may seem audacious,
it's not that complicated.

Listening can be a chain reaction

in which each person
who is genuinely listened to

feels naturally inspired
to listen to the next.

Listening can be contagious.

I invite you to start

this chain reaction today,
right here, right now.

In your next conversation
with a colleague,

client, partner, or child,
a friend or a stranger,

give them your full attention.

Listen to the human being
behind the words.

One of the biggest gifts we can give
anyone is the gift of being heard.

With the simple power of listening now,

we can transform our relationships,

our families, and our world
for the better, ear by ear.

Thank you for listening.

(Applause)