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There's an ancient and well-known
philosophical riddle that asks:

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"If a tree falls in the forest
and no one is around to hear it,

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does it still make a sound?"

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A scientific view is that,
while a tree will make waves in the air,

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to make a sound,
it takes an ear to hear it.

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My question is,

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if a person speaks and offers
a TED Talk, for example,

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and no one listens,
is that really communication?

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I believe that listening is
the missing half of communication.

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It is absolutely necessary
but often overlooked.

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We live in an age we call
the Age of Communication.

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Certainly, with cell phones,
texts, tweets, and emails,

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there is a lot of talking going on.

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But how much listening can there really be

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with so much interruption and distraction?

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My passion for the last 30 years
has been helping people get to "yes"

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in very tough negotiations.

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From family feuds to boardroom battles,
from labor strikes to civil wars.

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I hear a lot of talking, but I don't hear
a lot of real listening.

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We think of negotiation
as being about talking.

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In fact, it's really about listening.

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If you study the behavior
of successful negotiators,

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you find that they listen
far more than they talk.

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After all, we're given two ears
and one mouth for a reason.

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We should listen at least
twice as much as we speak.

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Why listen? Why is it so important?
Let me tell you a story.

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Some years ago, I was in the country
of Venezuela serving as a third party

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between the government
and the political opposition

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at a time of intense conflict,
with a lot of people fearing a civil war.

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My colleague, Francisco Diaz and I
had an appointment

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with the President, Hugo Chavez,
at 9:00 PM at the Presidential Palace.

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Finally, at midnight,

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we were ushered in
to see the President

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who had his entire cabinet
arrayed behind him.

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He asked me: "So, Ury, what do you think
of the situation going on here?"

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I said: "Mr. President, I've been talking
to your ministers here, to the opposition.

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I think you're making some progress."

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"Progress? What do you mean
progress?" he shouted.

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"You're blind.

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You're not seeing all the dirty tricks
those traitors are up to."

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He leaned in very close to my face
and proceeded to shout.

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What was I going to do?

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Part of me felt like
defending myself, naturally.

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But what good would it do for me

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to get into an argument
with the President of Venezuela?

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(Laughter)

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How would that advance peace?
So I just listened.

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I gave him my full attention.
I listened to where he was coming from.

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President Chavez was famous
for making eight hour speeches.

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After 30 minutes of me
just nodding and listening,

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I saw his shoulders slowly sag.

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He said to me in a very weary tone
of voice: "So, Ury, what should I do?"

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That's the sound of a human
mind opening to listen.

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I said: "Mr. President,
it's almost Christmas.

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The country needs a break.

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Last year, all the festivities
were canceled because of the conflict.

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Why not propose a truce this time

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so that people can enjoy
the holidays with their families?

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After that, maybe everybody
will be in a better mood to listen."

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He said: "That's a great idea. I'm going
to announce that in my next speech."

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His mood has completely shifted.

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How? Through the simple
power of listening.

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Because I listened to him,
he was more ready to listen to me.

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There are at least three important reasons

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why it's important to listen
in any negotiation or conflict.

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The first is that it helps us
understand the other side.

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Negotiation, after all,
is an exercise in influence.

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You're trying to change
someone else's mind.

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How can you possibly change
someone else's mind

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if you don't know where their mind is?

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Listening is key.

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The second reason is just as important.

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It helps us connect with
the other human being.

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It helps us build rapport.
It builds trust. It shows we care.

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After all, everybody wants to be heard.

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The third reason is,
as with President Chavez,

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it makes it more likely that the other
person will listen to us.

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It helps get to "yes."

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In short, listening may be
the cheapest concession

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we can make in a negotiation.

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It costs us nothing,
and it brings huge benefits.

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Listening may be the golden key
that opens the door to human relationship.

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How do we listen?

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It turns out that we often
take listening for granted

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as something easy and natural.

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But in fact, at least in my experience,
real genuine listening is something

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that needs to be learned
and practiced every day.

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In ordinary listening,
we're hearing the words.

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We're often thinking, "Where do I agree?
Where do I disagree?

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What am I going to say in response?"
In other words, the focus is on us.

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In genuine listening, however,
the spotlight moves to the other person.

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We put ourselves in their shoes.
We tune into their wavelength.

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We listen from within their frame
of reference, not just ours.

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That's not easy.

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In genuine listening, we listen
not just for what's being said,

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but for what's not being said.

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We listen not just to the words,
but to what's behind the words.

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We listen for the underlying
emotions, feelings, and needs.

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We listen for what that person
really needs or wants.

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Let me give you an example.

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About a year and a half ago, I was
invited to help a Brazilian entrepreneur

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by the name of Abilio Diniz.

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He was trapped in a titanic legal dispute

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with his French business partner over
the control of Brazil's largest retailer.

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The Financial Times called it perhaps

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the biggest cross-continental boardroom
showdown in recent history.

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It had gone on for two and a half years.

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It was immensely costly and stressful,

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not only to both parties
but to their families

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and the 150,000 employees
of the company.

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When I sat down with Abilio
in his home, I listened to his story.

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After that, I had a question.

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I said: "Abilio, help me understand here.
What do you really want?"

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He said: "Well, I want
the stock at a certain price.

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I want the company headquarters.

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I want the elimination
of the non-compete clause."

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He gave me a list. As I listened, I heard
something deeper there that was unspoken.

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I asked him: "Abilio, you're a man
who seems to have everything.

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What are these things
really going to give you?

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What do you most want in your life?"

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He paused for a moment
and thought about it.

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Finally, he said: "Freedom.
I want my freedom.

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I want to be free to pursue
my business dreams.

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I want to be free to spend time
with my family." That was it.

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I was hearing the human being
behind the words

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not just the champion businessman.

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Once we were clear about his deepest need,

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then the negotiation itself,
while challenging, became a lot easier.

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In four short days, my colleagues and I,

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by listening to the other side,

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were able to take this titanic dispute

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and resolve it with a settlement
that left both sides highly satisfied.

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As Abilio being a friend
in the process later told me,

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"I got everything I wanted.
But most importantly, I got my life back."

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How did that happen?
Through the simple power of listening.

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If listening is so useful,
why isn't everyone doing it?

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To tell you the truth, it's not so easy.

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If I reflect on my own experience
for a moment,

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there are times when I feel like
I'm listening pretty well in my work,

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only to go home and find out
I'm not listening so well to my wife.

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It's humbling. I can tell you.

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The real problem in the way,
what makes it so hard to listen

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is that there is so much
going on in our minds.

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There is so much noise and distraction

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that we don't have the mental
and emotional space

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to be able to truly listen
to the other side.

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How do we clear our minds?

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It may seem odd, but the secret is,

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if we want to listen to the other side,

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we have to learn
to listen to ourselves first.

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When I was sitting there
with President Chavez,

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what really helped me
was that, just beforehand,

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I had taken a few moments of quiet

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to pay attention to
what was going on for me.

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I listened to myself to quiet my mind.

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When he began shouting, I was ready.

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I could notice that my cheeks
were reddening,

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and my jaw was a little clenched.

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I felt some fear and anxiety.

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By paying attention
to those sensations and emotions,

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I was able to let them go,

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so that I could truly listen
to President Chavez.

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What if, before an important,
delicate or sensitive conversation,

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we took a moment of silence just
to tune in and listen to where we are?

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I believe that if we did that,
if we truly listened to ourselves first,

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we would find it a lot easier
to listen to others.

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The final question is,
if we listened more,

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what difference would
it make in the world?

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I believe it would make a huge difference.

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In the course of my mediation work,

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I personally witnessed
the enormous cost of conflict,

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the broken relationships, families,
the stressed out work places,

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the ruinous law suits,
and the senseless wars.

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What always strikes me is
the biggest opportunity we have actually,

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is to prevent these conflicts
even before they start.

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How do we do that?

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It's not easy, but it almost always
starts with one simple step.

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Listening. This is my dream.

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A listening revolution that can turn

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this Age of Communication
into an Age of Listening.

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In other words, an age
of true communication.

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Imagine for a moment a world

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in which every child learns
to listen at an early age.

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What if we taught listening in school,

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like we teach reading, as a core skill?

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After all, listening
is how you read people.

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Imagine a world in which parents
learn to listen to their children.

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What better way after all, is there for us
to teach our children to listen to us

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than for us to listen to them?

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What better way for us to show
our children that they truly matter?

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What better way is there to show our love?

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As an extra bonus,

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maybe we'd see happier marriages
and fewer divorces,

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as couples learned
to listen to each other.

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Imagine a world in which leaders
learned how to listen to their people.

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What if we chose leaders based
on their ability to listen, not just talk?

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What if listening became
the norm in our organizations

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and not just the exception?

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What if on radio and TV

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we had not just talk shows,
but listen shows?

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(Laughter)

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What if we had not just
peace talks, but peace listens?

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I firmly believe that we'd get
to 'yes' a lot more often.

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We might not eliminate all conflict,

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but we would avert
a lot of fights and wars.

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Everybody would be much better off.

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I, very happily, might be out of a job.

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That's my dream.

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While it may seem audacious,
it's not that complicated.

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Listening can be a chain reaction

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in which each person
who is genuinely listened to

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feels naturally inspired
to listen to the next.

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Listening can be contagious.

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I invite you to start

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this chain reaction today,
right here, right now.

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In your next conversation
with a colleague,

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client, partner, or child,
a friend or a stranger,

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give them your full attention.

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Listen to the human being
behind the words.

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One of the biggest gifts we can give
anyone is the gift of being heard.

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With the simple power of listening now,

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we can transform our relationships,

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our families, and our world
for the better, ear by ear.

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Thank you for listening.

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(Applause)