Gad Elmaleh - The restaurant

Gad Elmaleh is a Moroccan-Canadian-French stand-up comedian and actor (From his show "Papa est en haut")

So, I arrive in this restaurant,

so chic, so classy...

that no one talks.

I think it is so expensive that everybody is just frozen..

There's no: "hey man", "what's up"...

No! Even the laughters,

are like a 130 euros laugh

It is so classy, so elegant, that there is lady playing the harp.

And you act like it's perfectly normal.. no problem

Stop kidding me, last time you were in a burger joint, there was nobody playing the f... harp!

We arrived at our table, the waiter pulled my chair,

but in these restaurants, not only do they pull your chair,

but when you bend your legs, the move it forward for you...

I've never fully understood that:

they want to coincide... exactly to the moment when you sit... with your landing...

WTF! You think I don't know I need to bend my legs to sit!

It irritates me so much, that I fake the moment I sit,

I trick him...

So the waiter is on the Olympic Games of the Chair!

He's like: "when the f... is he gonna sit?"

I finally sat.

We each had 5 plates, 6 knives, 7 glasses and 9 forks.

I called the waiter: "We're only 2!"

He gave us the menus

In these restaurants, on the menu that they give to you, the guy, the prices are listed.

But on the girl's there are no prices... I've never understood that.

Are they afraid to scare the women?

So you see the prices, you face reality!

And you wait...

you're pending...

You don't know where it's gonna go..

And in that moment, you can be the greatest gentleman that ever was,

whenever she says the name of a dish

you go left to right on the menu...

When a waiter tells you what you're gonna eat, you have the impression he's acting in a play:

Ladies and Gentlemen,

For you tonight, triple grapefruit flip,

on a sleeping bed of berries coulis,

pirouette and omelette in pineapple,

and catamaran of banana confit,

softly placed on a thin pastry shell...

They finally bring the food... under a dome!

I've never understood this concept: it's chic, it's under a dome

Why do you hide the food? Is it a game? Should I guess?

That's an idiotic game! I'm the one who ordered, I know what under the f... dome!

You're gonna ask me to guess, i'm gonna say: "Grapefruit"

You're gonna uncover, and daah! "grapefruit!"

Think man!

These guys arrive with their dish covered by domes..

The specialists.... The dommers...

They lift them all together, like a ballet,

"The Dome Choregraphy"

And there you see a single shrimp! A tiny one!

You're looking around, you ask the shrimp: 'Are you alone there?'

Even the shrimp looked at us and admitted: "It's really ridiculous!"

So we ate,

The guy came at the end and dared to ask us: "A digestive maybe?" (after-dinner liqueur)

What do you want me digesting!

He brought us the check, and I thought "F..., we should have asked for an estimate"